Perpetual Ambition

3 days!

2012-02-23T15:28:00.000-06:00

Really....3 days??? Everyday it gets a little closer to the big day and yet it still seems so unreal. I guess reality is going to be slapping me in the face soon enough.

Thank you again for your advice. I decided to casually mention it to HR which than turned into a two hour long conversation with her venting just as much as I was. Our HR girl just shook her head and then did a face plant into her desk when she heard they still haven't organized my departments work schedule. HAHA. I guess I'm not the only one having problems with people not understanding how FMLA and HIPAA work. We had another co-worker out for two weeks for medical reasons before they alerted HR about it. His manager didn't realize there was paper work to fill out and worse, didn't realize that he couldn't tell everyone and their mother what medical condition this guy has, which this co-worker did not want others to know about.

I think that, in general, most people (managers and associates alike) do not how FMLA and HIPAA work. I know I didn't really know how it all works until I became pregnant. She has decided to come up with a email to provide some of the highlights of FMLA and HIPAA and when we do open enrollment seminar for our insurance in May, she said she would do a little class on it.

When it came to still trying to get me to work longer and while I'm on leave HR told me to tell them to F@CK -Off. Gotta love it :) She told me not to worry about it and keep telling them no, they got a 7 1/2 month warning and they should have figured this out a long time ago.

Yesterday I found out part of their reason for asking me to help out longer was because our department head has decided to take off for the next three weeks so he can vacation in FL. He's leaving this Friday too yet he just notified everyone of this on Monday (Yes, that's three days ago). Any sympathy or guilt I have just went out the window.

In other much more exciting news (and maybe TMI for some ppl), I lost the rest of my mucous plug last night!! Never thought I would be so excited over mucous. I went for my typical evening walk but could only get half the distance that I normally do because little man's head was so low I had to keep stopping from all the pressure. When I got back and went to the bathroom, there it was.

I know this is probably wishful thinking but I hope when they check me in to the hospital sunday night and I will be 3-4 cm dilated and get to skip the cytotec and go straight for the pitocin. Now that I think about it, I wonder how far dilated you need to be before they break your water and give you pitocin. Anyone know? 3-4 might not be enough. Oh wait, does it have more to do with what station your at? hmmm.... Dr. Google time.

Gosh, I just thought of something. This will probably be the last post before I have the baby. I will try to post a picture or something as soon as I can next week :)

5 Days!

2012-02-21T12:23:00.000-06:00

I know I can be a bit of a pushover sometimes when it comes to work but damn this is ridiculous. We had our meeting this morning. You know the meeting about a meeting, about a meeting regarding my departure. Maybe it's just my point of view, but the work load doesn't look any worse (or better for that matter) than what we discussed a month ago. We have made the progress that we planned on making for this last month. Now all of a sudden, Its not good enough even though the bosses established our to-do-list.

I do work with a couple of guys who totally understand that I am not going to be working while on maternity leave and I thought after HR talked to my managers/bosses, etc. , they understood this as well. I was first asked to come in this weekend to help. I didn't directly say no, but I said that I was really hoping to have the weekend to prepare my house and get some rest before my induction. Then this guy, whose wife just gave birth less than a year ago and should know better, says "wow. hmmmm. this is going to put us in a bind". Seriously, this pissed me off because I requested this three month maternity leave when I was only 9 weeks pregnant. It's not like I sprung this on them last week. I think one of my co-workers, who is very supportive of me, looked like he was going to jump over the table and slap him. Then he asks "are you sure you couldn't just come in once in while over your vacation (yeah buddy this is not a VACATION) to help us out". I tried to explain verbatim what HR had already discussed with nearly 90% of the people, including him, in the room. If I work, I lose my disability pay. All I got were more sighs. After 45 minutes of this, nothing changed from the original plan. I don't want to make it sound like there was yelling or anything crazy but it was more like a "oh shit, what are we going to do for the next couple of months" and a "maybe if we play the poor-us card, maybe she will reconsider the amount of time she's taking off".

The clincher was a client who called this morning, about two hours after our meeting, saying they want me to write a grant application that is due at the end of March. I told him I would love to help but couldn't because I am leaving on Friday for maternity leave, assuming that he didn't know this (he knew I was pregnant but not my due date). He tells me, yes I know but I just talked to so-and-so, another one of my bosses, and he said if I asked nicely you would probably be willing to work from home on it. Oh boy. I kept my cool but told him I wouldn't be able to guarantee that I could give it my full attention while I'm at home with a newborn and didn't want to put him in a difficult position if I couldn't deliver the quality of work that this application requires. He seemed ok with my response.

It's funny (ironic), that just a few months ago I was painted as this over-opinionated stubborn person and now they think I'm a doormat.

I'm kind of wondering if I should mention these requests to work while I'm on mat leave to HR to make them aware that the previous discussions regarding the rules of maternity leave/FMLA have gone in one ear and out the other? Or, maybe I should just let it go. Regardless, I've got a feeling I'm going to be receiving a lot of phone calls from work while I'm on "Vacation".

I walked three miles last night (I normally try to do at least 1-2 a night anyways). Results: Swollen feet. No contractions. How is it that just a month ago I was getting them all the time and now that I'm approaching my due date there is nothing?

I tried a little nipple stimulation with my breast pump (For only 15 minutes, so I wasn't trying that hard) and all that resulted in breast tissue pain (which I started feeling this morning).

I don't necessarily want to go into labor at this point (which may seem contrary to the two paragraphs above) but I would do anything to be a little more dialated and effaced than 2 cm before my induction. I think tonight I'm going to do the boucing on the ball technique. I have a growth scan and a regular ob appointment tomorrow. I'm so curious to see how big little man has gotten in the last month!

6 days!

2012-02-20T17:35:00.000-06:00

I love my aunt Sharon. She called me last night and told me that she wanted to come down to visit me when no one else was around so they are moving their visit to the end of the month. That's four less people crammed into my place on the weekend of the 10th. Whoop, Whoop. She was pretty funny about it all. She said that she had some selfish motives behind the date change, she wanted the baby all to herself. Awesome. Now I just need to convince my other aunts and my grandmother to come a week later.

I can't stop thinking about my upcoming induction. I'm excited but really nervous/curious about how it's all going to play out. The pain!! It's my biggest fear along with tearing and needing stiches. blah...

I just have to laugh. It's 4:45pm. One of my bosses just came up and asked me how long I plan on being here. I told him friday and no later (told him the same thing last Thursday). Then he says we need to sit down and talk about how I'm going to get all these projects done by the time I leave (which equals about 3 months of work for two people to do). Uuuhhhh, havent we had this conversation like 10 times in the last month and wasn't it clear that they would need to get someone else to help out? Am I trapped in the movie "Ground hogs Day"? I was in shock that he asked and didn't know how to answer so I just sat there with my mouth slightly opened. Then he asks if I have any solutions to the problem. I mentioned that we had discused getting an intern but that was back in January. I really thought they had started that process, but clearly they hadn't. At this point, by the time they hire an intern and train them, I will most likely be back within a week or two. I then tried to refresh his memory and explained that we worked together to create a realistic list of things to complete before I left (which I'm really close to finishing) so that they would be in a better position to complete the work during my absence. We also passed some of the work load to our secretary (who isn't trained to do what I do). I don't think he realized there was that much work that needed to be completed still, now he's panicking 4 days before I leave. He then pulls in my manager and asks what his schedule will be like for the next couple of months (again, 10th conversation regarding co-workers schedule). I know we haven't seen eye to eye in the past and he has kind of put himself in this situation by taking work away from me for months on end, but I truly feel sorry for this guy. We've both been staying late and coming in on weekends just to keep our heads above water, now with me leaving, he doesn't stand a chance. Now it sounds like we are going to have another department meeting about our previous meetings about me leaving. Ghaaaawwwwd! I hope I go into labor tonight!!

10 days!

2012-02-17T11:22:00.000-06:00

So the plan is as follows:

Next sunday morning my best friend arrives mid-day, then we are off to an awesome dinner (it better be awesome because I wont be able to eat until the baby is delivered). Finally, Check-in at the hospital at 9pm.

Best friend will be staying until baby is born then she is off on her 5 hour drive back home. As of now she still has to work tuesday morning but if she can get out of it she will be staying until tuesday night. I am so thankful for her!!

If I have a vaginal birth I will be released on wednesday, c-section will mean I will be released thursday or friday. My parents will be down that saturday, so that means I still need to find someone who can take me home. I'm just a dumb first-time mom and really thought I would be allowed to drive home myself (if I have a vaginal delivery) but I just found out they wont let me drive for a week :( I think a couple of my co-workers will be available to help so hopefully this will all work out. I don't know if I'm excited to have a couple days alone with the baby before the family madness begins or scared out of mind.

So my parents will be down for a week (3rd through the 10th) but they are bringing their two yapper dogs. They are cute but they don't ever shut up and they are not fully potty trained!! I told my mom they aren't allowed inside the house with out a bark collar on. Side note, Cooper (my dog) seems to have picked up this barking habit while staying at their house. I'm hoping I can break him of this fast! I'm not exactly thrilled about them bringing their dogs, afterall, my brother could easily watch them while my parents are away, but my mom said they would only stay for three days if they couldn't have the dogs with them. I was too tired to argue with her so I conceeded.

My sister and her family will only be down the 7th through the 10th and will be staying at a hotel. As of today, the rest of the family will be there from the 9th through the 11th. I'm just going to suck it up, its only for a few days and then I will have no one around. Gulp!!

I went to my first single mothers group last week and forgot to post about it. While some of the conversations were interesting (how to save money, living without sleep for the first few months, daycare centers, etc), there were some serious awkward moments. What is up with single woman calling their ex-spouses/boyfriends etc sperm donors?? Aahhh I cringed everytime I heard it! I wanted to say something, but I seemed to have lost my balls this last month (I'm normally not to afraid to say whats on my mind). I really don't know if I'm going to return for a second round with this group. Even though we are all going it alone, I just didn't feel like I could relate to many of the women. The conversation was mainly dominated by child support issues. What do I have to offer in a conversation regarding child support? I really wish I didn't live in an area where being a SMC is a novelty.

17 days......11 days!!! Update

2012-02-16T17:30:00.000-06:00

So the sonographer got it partially right. I have been scheduled for an induction but it's not for this weekend, it will be next weekend. 11 days from now I will report to the hospital at 9pm to begin the next phase of my life, mommyhood.

The doctor didn't say anything to me about the induction last time because she wanted to make sure I was ok with it. I had previously told her (when I was 5 mos along)I wouldn't be interested in it unless it was absolutely necessary. So what made me change my mind? That leads me to all the other things going on.

So my dad's knee replacement surgery went well, according to my dad. The rest of the family said it hadn't gone well at all. He was released from the hospital only to be sent to a rehabilitation center. Dad says he will only be there for a couple of more days. The rest of the family says that he will be kept there until the first full week of March. Catching on to the pattern? Dad says the best weekend to have the baby is next weekend (24th-26th), Mom says they can't come down until the weekend of March 10th because of Dad's rehab. I can't get a straight answer. It sounds like no matter when I have this little guy, they are probably not going to be around for it.

Which brings me to the whole idea that I was planning to either take a taxi to the hospital or drive myself while I'm in labor. I've mentioned it on here once before and I've talked about it at work, but the overwhelming response was not to try either. The taxi service here is really hit or miss. They could get to you in ten minutes or two hours, depending on what time of day it is. A lot of the girls at work said there was no way they would have been able to drive to the hospital without getting into a car accident. I decided to mention it to the doctor today. I literaly live 3.2 miles from the hospital (8 minutes from my door step to the lobby of the hospital, I timed it today). She said without hesitation that I could definitely do it. I have had co-workers who have generously offered to take me, but little miss independent that I am, I really don't want them to have to go out of their way to take me. Plus I feel really weird about them staying and being there for the birth. I have a strict no-co-worker/seeing my lady bits policy. It creeps me out. If I'm induced, I really don't need to worry about finding someone to drive me to the hospital, I can just do it all myself.

Work has been bananas. I can't wait to be done but you've all heard my crazy stories. I've had five meetings in the last three weeks regarding my departure. Each meeting was meant to establish who would take over my unfinished projects. Each of the meetings are carbon copies of the previous ones yet no one seems to understand whose doing what or how to complete the project. This probably stems from the fact that they chose our secretary to complete the majority of my projects. She has no background working in my field at all. I think choosing her to cover me just shows how much my boss has no clue what I do. The whole thing is like watching a train wreck. You can sense how bad the results are going to be yet you can't turn away from the horror. She's just as freaked out as I am but there is no amount of explaining that will ever help her finish this work. I feel really bad for her, she's really stressing out over it. I can tell already that I am going to have some serious messes to clean up when I come back in May. In the same aspect, I'm thankful that I can get out of here soon. Since my last day will be on the 24th, I will arrive back 2 weeks prior to the due date for 7 of my projects. Although there is no way I can finish them in that short amount of time, I can at least clean them up a bit and correct some of the mistakes before they are submitted.

Last thursday, I received a text message from my aunt saying she can't wait to come down and meet the baby. Then she goes on to say that they (her, my two cousins and my uncle) aren't car pooling with my two other aunts, their husbands and my grandmother because she would go nuts being in the car with them for that long. I had no idea that any of them were planning on coming down, no one said anything to me about it.

At that point it sounded like they weren't all coming down on the same weekend, but then I find out that they are all coming down on the weekend of the 10th. If my mom was right and not my dad, that would be the week that my parents would be down staying with me. Then my aunt tells me don't worry, we are all (aunts, uncles, grandmother) staying at a hotel. I just kept thinking even if they are staying at a hotel, during the daytime, they are going to try to cram 11 people, 13 if you include myself and the baby, into my 900sq ft townhouse. That is standing room only folks! My living room only seats four people just to indicate how small my living room is.

I didn't know what to say to my aunt and I didn't want to offend her so I just replied back that I can't wait to see them. I then called my sister to tell her my concerns and she tells me that's the weekend that her and her husband were planning on coming down with their two kids (they were also planning on staying at a hotel. Now thats 17 people trying to cram themselves into my apartment. She told me she understood why I'm freaking out, afterall she just went through this in October when she had her daughter, however this large group only stayed for a couple of hours. Due to me living out-of-state, they are all planning (except my parents who will be here for a week) on being at my place Friday afternoon and leaving Sunday afternoon. If I went past my due date, they would most likely be there the first few days I would be home from the hospital. Talk about stress!! I would be learning to breastfeed and then also trying to play hostess, no way!

So I thought I would just start calling people and explain how everyone being here at the same time would be really overwhelming and to see if they could spread out their visits over the next few weeks instead of being here all on the same weekend. My sister thought it was a great idea but when I explained the situation to my mom, she freaked and told me that it was really rude of me to suggest it. I really do love that everyone is so supportive but all my aunts have kids, I think they would understand how hard it is the first few weeks after giving birth. I still haven't made the phone calls yet because my mom is so sure this is going to hurt everyone's feelings. Then Mom drops the bomb on me and tells me that my favorite Aunt, who has been battling breast, liver and bone cancer for the last 7 years, found out in November that her cancer was back. Nobody wanted to tell me because that was around the time that I was told the baby might have down syndrome. Since November she has been going through chemo but in the last week they found out that the chemo didn't work. Basically, this trip to see the baby wasn't just for the baby but it's also to be a positive fun trip for the whole family to be together and support my aunt. How can I tell them to space their trips out after hearing that? Who knows what else they are not telling me about my aunts condition?

I figured the only way to give me some time to get settled in before the family descends on my place was to take my doctor up on the early induction offer. She said that their really wasn't any health benefits to keeping me pregnant past 39 weeks so I've decided to go for it. I've heard great things about inductions and I've heard horror stories about them. Hopefully I'm not jinxing myself when I say this, but I heard good and bad stories about getting a cerclage removed, yet it really wasn't that bad. I'm just hoping for an uneventful birth of my little boy.

For the next week I'm going to just focus on doing things that will make me prepare for my induction. Maybe some longer walks? Lots of pineapple? Sex is out of the question (Even if it was available, it doesn't sound appealing anyways). I'm already dialated to 2 cm and am 60% effaced. Lets see what I can accomplished between today and next sunday.

17 days!

2012-02-16T09:06:00.000-06:00

Sorry, I don't mean to be MIA for so long but everytime I start creating a new post, I get interrupted with work. First, I'm still pregnant. Things are going really well (Knock on Wood). I had a perinatologist appt yesterday and the fluid around the baby went up again to a 11.2 which is awesome considering just 3 weeks ago I was at a 6.9. The running joke at the office is that they are going to start charging me for water and TP. I have to be drinking well over a gallon of water every 8 hours but I'm so darn thirsty I can't help myself. At least it is keeping the fluid around the baby nice and high.

When I say I had a perinatologist appointment what that really means is that I got to spend some quality time with the sonographer while receiving a biophysical. I never saw the specialist. The sonographer had me scratching my head by the end of the appointment. In the middle of the scan she started saying how I must be so excited to be getting induced this weekend. Aaaahhhhh, what????? She read the chart again and said yeah it says right hear your getting induced this Friday. WTH?? Why? Everything is going ok? This is the first I've heard of this. She went to get the doctor but he hadn't arrived yet and told me to clarify it with my OB, who I get to see in about 50 minutes. I really think it's some kind of mistake, the doctor has already made the mistake of thinking I'm a week ahead of where I'm at. So now I'm waiting to find out what the heck is going on. I'm ready if that's what is going to happen but I'm not sure the baby is ready.

So much more has happened in the last week, which I will share in a later post but for now I'm off to the doctors office.

25 days...and turning it all around!

2012-02-08T08:58:00.000-06:00

I am smiling from ear to ear right now. I just left my biophysical and the fluid around the baby is at a 9.1. It's back in the normal range!! I was kind of hoping they would say that I wouldn't have to do these appointments anymore but I still have to go for biophysicals for the remaining weeks. I am so pumped right now! Wouldn't it be a trip if I make it past my due date? The thought of it just makes me laugh. I still have an appointment with my regular ob this afternoon but I can't imagine anything going wrong (knock on wood). I can't wait to see her face when she reads my chart!

26 days

2012-02-07T12:24:00.000-06:00

So most of the cramping tapered off by noon along with the spotting. Perfect. I'm wondering if I'm still just overdoing it somehow. I was cleaning the night before, not alot but enough were I was glad to be able to lay around afterwards. This might make a good excuse to pay for a maid to come in:)

My parents picked up my dog this morning. If it wasn't such a funny sight to see 4 adults and a big lab along with all their luggage crammed into a Nissan Ultima, I would have been bawling my eyes out. I have no idea how they are going to make that 7 hour drive in that clown car. Cooper got into the car without a problem (what dog doesn't like a car ride), but he looked a little panicked when he realized I wasn't getting in the car with him. He had his nose all pressed against the window, with the saddest brown eyes I've ever seen. I'm sure he will be fine staying at my parents for the next 3 weeks but I am going to miss that dog like crazy.. I already do.

Funny enough my remaining cat was howling for an hour after they left. She hates the dog and is always attacking him even for no reason. She was probably thinking she is the next to go....first my Evie Cat, then Cooper disappears....Oh crap, I'm next. Maybe this will make her start behaving. Wishfull thinking.

I don't think I slept a wink last night. I was a little anxious about Cooper leaving and then there was a crazy car chase through my neighborhood which ended with a manhunt for two suspects that had robbed the gas station down the street. I swear there had to be twenty squad cars searching my neighborhood with their big flood lights. At least I can say the PD where on top of things.

What really kept me up last night was me thinking about this upcoming round of doctors appointments. I'm sure I've said it before, but it really sucks going to these appts and not knowing what to expect. Is everything ok? Are they going to put me on bedrest? Are they going to induce me? The not knowing is bitterly painful. I wish there was something to keep my mind off of all of this but there isn't. I think the worse part is I'm starting to get the daily phone calls from friends and family to see if I've had him yet. I think its way too soon to be getting these phone calls. I'm only 36 weeks people!! It's nice to know that they care, but it just makes me more anxious. I would seriously consider turning off my phone if I knew it wouldn't send some people into a frenzy.

27 days and its a full moon!

2012-02-06T10:11:00.000-06:00

I started spotting last night and accompanied with a lot of pressure in my nether region. It's like I'm carrying a bowling ball with my lady bits. I should video tape how I'm walking so I will always remember how ridiculous I look right now. If I take a walk out by the lake, I think some of the ducks will start following me, thinking that I'm one of them.

I continued to have mild off and on cramping since I had my cerclage removed but this morning it has been non-stop. Now I'm not saying I'm in labor but there is something funny going on here. I called to move my appointment up with my doctor. The earliest they could get me in is wednesday morning (my original appt was that afternoon anyways). I'm still anti-triage but if this continues at this pace, I'm heading in by the end of the day. Perfect timing if something does happen because my family will be driving through my city around midnight while they are on there way back from their cruise.

Now watch all this cramping and pressure is just caused by BH's or gas pains..haha.

31 days...Surprise!

2012-02-02T13:49:00.000-06:00

No, I didn't have the baby. The better news is I got my fluid to go up by .2 so the doctor told me as long as I keep doing whatever I did this lask week he will let me stay off of bedrest. What a relief!! I don't think I could handle true bedrest without going nuts from boredom. He did remind me the increase in fluid wasn't enough to put me in the normal range and that bedrest and induction can still be on table for discussion next week. Way to bring me back down to earth doc! At least I now know that laying around and drinking gobs of water can really help. My blood pressure still looks good and the nurse was joking around that I have only gained 3lbs since November and that pregnancy will end up being a great weight loss program for me (I started off overweight so I wasn't suppose to gain more than 15lbs this pregnancy). After my sister gained 60lbs in her pregnancy, I thought that I would follow her path but I guess not. Oooh, it would be a nice surprise to not only get a baby out of all of this but also go down two pant sizes. I still have a month left which leaves plenty of time to pack on more pounds so hopefully I didn't just jinx myself.

I'm still having a lot of cramping but hopefully when the weekend comes I can just relax enough on the couch to make them go away. The doctor just told me that the cramping can last for days after the cerclage is removed and to not worry about it.

I said the stupidest thing this morning. I just have to share. I keep thinking my belly is getting smaller. I told this to one of my female co-workers and she started to laugh hysterically. I didn't think it was funny.
Why is that funny? She told me her and another co-worker just got done joking around that my boobs have gotten huge over the last week or two. Then it dawned on my that my point of reference on the belly size has been my girls. They gotten so pornographically huge, I can barely see my belly anymore. Duh...

I'm so excited that I might prove my regular OB wrong (she said if I made it past this week I would be lucky). On Saturday I will be 36 weeks, maybe I can make it to 37 weeks or later!

32 days!

2012-02-01T11:19:00.000-06:00

To say I am a nervous wreck is an understatement. I've been having contractions off and on since late Monday night which isn't helping the situation. Some of them would jolt me awake causing me to kick the dog who has been insistant on laying on my legs at night. He's been so clingy and whiney the last few days, he's kind of driving me nuts. Normally, he is super excited to go to doggy daycare and drags me through the door when we get there, but this morning he wouldn't leave my side. They had to distract him with a doggy treat so I could get out the door. As soon as the door closed behind me, he caught on to me leaving and ran for the door. I could see his sad face at the window while I was driving away. It broke my heart.

My stomach is just in a knot, to think by the morning I may be put on bedrest or (gulp) be induced is just wild! Am I ready for all of this?

34 days. We are operating without a net!

2012-01-30T15:52:00.000-06:00

The cerclage has been officially removed as of 8am this morning. The most painful part was trying to get the right speculum. The first four didn't work but the fifth one was the charm. The knot of the first stitch was imbedded so that was a little difficult but my Dr got it out within a minute. The second stitch, even though it was placed really high in there, was actually easier to remove than the first. I had very little cramping and bleeding afterwards so I was sent home after an hour and half of monitoring. Instead of going right back to work, I decided to go home and sleep for a couple of hours. There is just something fantastic about taking mid day siesta!

I took it easy all weekend. I'm not a shamed to admit that I didn't get out of my pjs until 6pm on saturday night and that was only because I needed to go to Walmart and am addamit to not ever make the "people of Walmart".

Now I'm just going to be on pins and needles until my biophysical on wednesday. I'm just crossing my fingers that all this water drinking and relaxing will help me stay pregnant at least another week or two longer.

38 days! There is never a dull moment in this pregnancy

2012-01-26T12:39:00.000-06:00

I was kind of excited to go to my round of appointments yesterday (NST, reg ob visit, and perinatologist) because I was so sure that they were going to be pleased that my bp seemed to mellowed out and I havent really been having any issues. The nonstress test was a breeze and my regular ob appointment went about the same. But then I went to the perinatologist to have a growth scan done. I know they are much more thorough during these exams and didn't really think much about the questions the nurse was asking me during my growth scan. Do you have gestational diabetes? not to my knowledge, I was tested at 24 weeks and passed. How much water do you drink each day? Gallons. My bff is the bathroom and my workplace watercooler. How's the baby's movement? Hit or miss, the last week I've noticed the baby's movements slowing down a bit but I thought that was normal towards the end of pregnancy. Have you noticed that your leaking any fluid? No.

I finally just asked what was going on and she told me the baby was measuring a little on the big side for his gestational age (6.5lbs) and the fluid around the baby was low (right around a 7). After the scan, the nurse practitioner came in and checked to see if I was leaking any fluid, which I wasn't.

She disappeared for a few minutes and then came back with the peri. What a funny guy. He starts off by asking me how much beer I drink a day. It caught me off guard until I realized he has my medical history and could tell I'm originally from Wisconsin. I started to laugh and say I've been fine laying off the beer for the pregnancy, but I may need to be treated for my cheese addiction. After a couple of laughs he got down to business. He explained to me the cause and complications of large babies and low fluid. I've been on strict orders to increase the amount of water I drink a day which I don't know if that's possible considering how much I already drink. I'm also suppose to refrain from alot of activity and stress (I should of ask for this in writing so I could give it to my boss). He is still going to let me work the next week but when I'm not working I need to limit my activity level. They are going to check me again next wednesday to see if the fluid level improves. If it does, great I can carry on with what I'm doing. If it stays the same I'm going to be put on bedrest. If the fluid drops below a 5 they are going to consider inducing me. Thats a lot of "if's".

I left the appointment yesterday in semi-disbelief. Every little thing I chose to do in the next week could affect whether or not I have the baby next week or can be lucky enough to hold off until he's at least full term. I wasn't really emotional about it yesterday, just determined to follow doctors orders. Then this morning I told my boss the outcome of my appointment and the first thing he said was "wow, you might have a baby on Feb 1st". It hit me like a ton of bricks, that's 6 days away! Wholly crap, this baby will most likely have to spend time in the NICU, and I might have this baby when very few family and friends can reach me (family is on a cruise starting sunday and not returning till feb 5th). I want to go on bedrest now so I can try to buy a couple more weeks!! I don't want to sound like I'm overreacting but I don't understand why he didn't just put me on bedrest in the first place. I want to give this baby the best chance possible so I am instituting my own version of bedrest. I'm still going to work but I am going to try my best to relax while I'm here (easier said than done) and make sure I go straight home and put my feet up. No cleaning projects and no walking the dog for more than a quick lap around the parking lot. I just pray this works!

I will have my cerclage taken out on Monday. That's nerve racking on it's own. The doctor initially made it sound so effortless but then at this last appointment she said it is common to have some difficulties. The removal is already scheduled to be done in triage but she said that they do it that way because it allows her to get an OR room booked in case they need it. She originally told me that I could go back to work after the procedure but she didn't seem so confident at our appointment when I asked the question again. Hopefully I'm just reading to much into her response. If there are three things in this pregnancy that could go right in the next few weeks, I would hope it would be and easy cerclage removal, the amniotic fluid would increase, and I have an easy delivery.

41 Days

2012-01-23T15:42:00.001-06:00

That due date must be approaching because I have been nesting like crazy. I don't think there is another inch left in my townhouse that wasn't cleaned in some fashion. I know I'm suppose to be relaxing and taking it easy to keep the bp down but I just couldn't help myself. While laying on the couch, I noticed a little dust on the TV. Next thing I know, I smell like a combination of Mr. Clean, pledge and comet. Sexy.

I finished my weekend up by getting a new hair cut. I figured it would be the last one I get before the LO arrives. Ooh and it is SOOOO the mommy cut. It was like the hairstylist didn't even need to ask what I wanted. So, your pregnant? yep, due in 5 weeks. So take a couple of inches off? yep, you know it! Presto chango....mommy-do. Short, no nonsense, still with a little style but yet easy to maintain.

Although work has been well aware of the baby coming soon, I don't think they understood what I meant by I'm taking the full three months off (FMLA). I told them this when I was 8 weeks pregnant, so they have had plenty of time to prepare. I started getting questions from my boss and manager this week about how often I plan to work from home while I'm gone, how often am I going to be checking my emails, how can we get some software on to my personal laptop so I can help them out. I said if I was on bedrest I could possibly help them out but not during my mat leave. Thank god, HR heard what was going on and told them that if I'm on disability or FMLA they cannot ask me to work even a single minute or it voids my disability and they have to pay me for a whole days worth of work. This new knowledge put my managers in a panic so we had an emergency meeting to discuss how they were going to get all our work done in the next 4 months (we have 3 major projects that need to be completed by the beginning of May, and two havent been started yet). The money-grubbing biotch in me wanted to say I will come back after 6 weeks if I can get an additonal 6 weeks of paid vacation to be used after the projects are submitted. However, the mommy side of me said NO WAY, I'm staying home to enjoy the baby. They are really going to struggle to get these projects done on time and correctly but I'm still so bitter that I've been sitting around for four months without any work that I really don't feel all that bad for them.

The UTI is gone! I don't have an ounce of back pain or cramping, I just feel preggo's and slow (mentally and physically). You know the typical late in pregnancy feelings. Shannon asked a great question on my last post about whether or not they were checking my urine at each appointment. Before each doctors appointment, the nurse does have me do a urine dipstick test and for two weeks prior to to this UTI the nurse kept saying that I had leukocytes (sp?) in my urine. I had no idea what that meant but since they didn't seem concerned, I wasn't concerned. After a brief date with DR Google over the weekend, I now know that it should have been one of the first signs to the doctor that I am fighting off an infection (of some sort) but I'm not sure if the nurse ever relayed this information to my doctor. I guess I will never know but fom now on if they say anything shows up on that test you better believe I am going to make a date with Dr Google again.

So has anyone out there had a cerclage removed? Was it painful? I've heard both ends of the spectrum...super painful or a total breeze. Although I hear it is really rare to go into labor immediately after getting a cerclage removed, I'm semi-paranoid that I will fall into the rare category. The majority of my family will be on a cruise ship in the middle of the carribbean from the Jan 28th to Feb 5th and I really don't want to have this little guy while they are out of the country....getting a tan and sippin' on pina coladas. Oooh sorry I drifted off there, I'm a little jealous of them:) So note to baby: YOU NEED TO STAY PUT UNTIL AFTER THE 5th!! He just kicked, I think he got the message :)

45 days

2012-01-19T17:11:00.000-06:00

I'm stealing sometime out of this day to capture the crazy events of the last few days. So the doctor put me on labetalol to reduce my bp. It dropped my bp down to into a much more normal level and for the most part it has stayed put ever since. Watching that number go down was a huge relief until around 6pm on Monday night when I started to experience a lot of menstral like cramping and off and on back pain. I figured it was just growing pains. I made myself a nice bath to see if it would help, but it was no good. After an hour in the bath, I layed down on the couch with a big jug of water (it's always good to stay hydrated) and a heating pad. The pain wasn't getting any worse but it wasn't getting any better so by 9ish, I gave up and tried to go to bed. Within a few hours I began to have horrible back spasms. It was like some was jabbing a knife into me. They would come and go without any predictable frequency. If I was in labor and these pains were actually contractions (which I have no clue what they feel like) I assumed I would have ripped through my cerclage and be bleeding like crazy by now. But I hadn't. Still trying to think rationally, I assumed it was either some sort of kidney/uti infection, I pulled my back out or I am having some sort of reaction to the lebatalol that I began taking just 6 hours prior. I've already been in the triage once in the last week (friday bp problem) and really did not want to go back so I stuck it out till 8am when I could get into see my doctor. Of course when I called they told me to go straight to triage.

As I was getting ready to leave the house, the tornado sirens started to go off. We were about to be walluped by a nasty line of storms and now I had to hope like heck that I made it to the hospital before it hit or I was going to be stuck out on the road during it. I'm thankful there weren't any cops along on my route because I think I was traveling around 60mph in a 45 mph zone nearly the whole way there. I started to just feel the first drops as I waddled my way into the triage department. As soon as the doors closed behind me, the sky opened up and the streets began to flood almost immediately. Upon checking into triage, the pain in my back was excrutiating. Every wave of pain just brought tears to my eyes. I thought I was very clear with the nurse that I thought I was NOT in labor but she didn't seem to believe me. She hooked me up to a couple of monitors. I wasn't really having any contractions, just a few small ones here and there. Baby's hb looked good. The nurse decided to check to see how dialated I was. 1cm. I was a little shocked to hear that I had dialated at all because I thought the cerclage would prevent that. Shows how much I know. The nurse then proceeded to do a fetal fibronectin test. I swear she is a really nice nurse but damn I hate that woman!! She inserted the speculum, performed the swap and proceeded to yank the speculum out without closing it!! I jumped and nearly nailed her in he face with my knee. She apologized profusely and apologized even more when she told me I'm probably going to be bleeding from the exam. I kept telling her it was ok (I'm sure it was truly an accident) meanwhile in my head I was calling her every name in the book. She then disappeared for the next two hours while I tried to find some position that would relief the back and vajayjay pain. When she finally came back she said the Fibronectin test came back negative and that I was not going to be delivering my baby in the next 2 weeks. Great news but I didn't think I was in labor. So what is causing all this pain I asked. She told me it had to be muscular pain and that I should sit around on all fours as much as possible to put counter pressure on my back.

Call my a cynic, but I really wasn't buying it. At age 24 I was in a horrific car accident which took months to recover from and this pain was on par with that pain. I was afraid to ask if she was sure, she's a medical professional but then again I didn't feel like she was giving me the right answer. I felt that way once before when I came in because I thought my water broke (granted they were right, but the way the information was delivered didn't really give me a vote of confidence). I made the decision to not question her judgement, I decided to take her advice and go home to hang out on all fours. She told me to get dressed and that I was free to go. After I signed the release paper work she asked me when my next doctors appointment would be. It was scheduled for wednesday afternoon, the following day. She said great, you might want them to check your urine for a UTI because that could be causing all of this pain too. WTH????

I think I just glared at her. I felt like demanding her to check it right then and there (which I really wished I had) but I was so pissed that I've been sitting in triage in horrendous pain for over three hours and all possible causes weren't explored that I just wanted to get as far away from this woman as possible. Could it just be pain caused by the strain of my growing belly....yes absolutely. Could this be an infection....yes (insert sarcasm) but lets not rule out any common pregnancy infections that can harm my baby or me (which incidently is a very cheap, quick test)!!

I took the day off and tried the "all fours", heating pad, layin down, a shower etc, but nothing was working. By the end of the day I could barely take four steps without having to stop moving. I tried sleeping sitting up in the living room chair but that wasn't really cutting it either. Crap, if labor pain is anything like this I'm going to ask them to hook me up for an epi as soon as I walk in to the hospital.

I took another day off and waited for my 1pm appointment. I got there at 12:45 and, go figure, the receptionist forgot to check me in to the system. I sat out in the waiting room for an hour before I finally go up and asked her how much longer it was going to be. Her eyes got as big as saucers when she realized she made a mistake. I think at this point I just about had it with the medical profession (pregnancy hormones talking here). I tried to redirect my rage which then turned me into an emotional mess. My doctor's nurse called me back and I explained that I had been in triage the day before, the pain, and that I was directed to ask for a urine screening from the doctor today. She did a double take. I don't think she even believed me at first until they read the notes on the triage visit. When I told my doctor (again I was very emotional), I told her as calmly as possible that I never want to go into that triage again and that they're all assholes there. As the word asshole still lingered on my lips I instantly regretted it. Oh my god, I'm pregzilla! My doctor started to laugh until she realized I was pretty serious. She asked me what the nurse's name was, I told her, and she said that was really surprising for that nurse to make that kind of mistake. I just sat there still mortified that I called the triage unit a band of assholes, yet a little miffed that my doctor didn't seem to believe me. UUUGGGHHHHH.

I'm sure it was mostly to appease me but the doctor agreed to send me for a urine test. She also repeated the nurses orders to hang out on all fours. I was just so embarassed at this point I was grateful for the appointment to end. The doctor was nice and pleasant the rest of the appointment, scheduled my cerclage removal (the 30th and it is coming out fast, ironically procedure will be done in triage), and covered the bp issues.

This morning I get a phone call from the doctors office. I have a raging UTI and am now on the antibiotics. After the first round I've started to see a wee bit of a difference and am so grateful for any relief I can get. Maybe I can sleep in my bed tonight. I'm clearly still miffed about the nurse not jut checking for a UTI on Tuesday but I'll get over it. Now I'm just worried my doctor repeated my complaint to the triage people. Can you be black-balled in triage? I still have to go in to that place at least 2 more times and I really don't want them to show me their "bad side". I can see the birth of my son now, the nurses are high-fiving each other out in the hallway while one is in telling me that they "can't figure out" why my epi is not working. Gulp....

Seriously can this pregnancy get anymore crazy? I thought I would love every minute of being pregnant but I think this rollercoaster was almost worse than going through IF treatments. Don't get me wrong, I love watching my belly dance around and I am going to get a great son out of this but I am ready to have this baby and get this phase done and over with. Only 45 days left.

Ok ladies, pj's are out of my hospital bag. I had to laugh when I looked at the bag because it is so empty I thought briefly about not taking it at all. Of course I'm joking but my sister thankfully reminded me that the hospital sends you home with a ton of things so the extra space should come in handy.

Ali, I found a great baby book for single women. It was kind of expensive but I love how easy it is to personalize it. It's made by Tesserra book company out of Milwaukee, WI. I ordered it off their website and I had it within a few days. I love it!

48 days

2012-01-16T12:38:00.000-06:00

The BP was doing so well on Saturday I really thought I was in the clear but then Sunday it started to creep into the danger zone. I headed into work on Sunday night and started to get my co-workers ready for a possible quick departure. I sent them information on my projects, provided passwords, etc. I kept thinking that I was probably going overboard and this was completely unneccessary this early but after my round of self doubt and taking my bp twice today I might not have been overacting afterall. I'm now waiting to pick up a script for some bp meds and if that doesnt work the doc said I need to come back in. The nurse made it sound like I would most likely need to be put on bedrest at home. My 24 hour urine culture showed I was dropping protein but she said I was borderline so she wasn't too worried. Am I on the way to develping pre-eclampsia? Is there a chance I can just stay this way the rest of my pregnancy? I'm trying to stay cool as a cucumber but I'm definitely getting worried. I want to let this baby cook for at least another 3-4 weeks so I can reach full-term.

Ohh and the name situation. I keep thinking I found THE name but I keep second guessing it. I'm all over the place. I hope that when I see his sweet face it will just come to me but in the mean time the decision is making my batty. I rarely this indecisive so I am going to attribute it to my preggo hormones.

After reading comments from the last post, I've decided to go with packing the bare min. Going home outfit for me and the baby, bath necessities, camera, phone, chargers, baby book (to get his feet stamped) and maybe my laptop. I might also throw some snack food in there too because I hear the kitchen closes at 8pm and if I deliver after that, It's no food until the morning. I have had a couple of co-workers tell me they never bothered to use their own pajamas so I am forgoing that too. Sounds like a plan.

51 days

2012-01-13T15:04:00.000-06:00

The last week has been just another ride on the pregnancy rollercoaster. I went in to take care of the hemmorhoids and the new doctor said there was nothing they could do about it. I have to say I was a little relieved because they haven't been as painful as last week and I wasn't looking forward to, what I hear, a painful procedure but I was also a little mad that I had to take a half day off only to find out they couldn't do anything for me.

I went in for my regularly scheduled ob appointment this morning thinking that I feel great, this is going to be a quick 15 minute appointment and then I could head back to work. Wrong. They took my bp and it was 158 over 88 which I honestly thought it was just a fluke. So they took again about 10 minutes later and it was 156 over 84. WTH??? I thought that if I quit my second job it would provide me with enough time to kick back and relax so these type of probs wouldn't come up. I guess I thought wrong. The doctor sent me down to triage where they did some blood work and started me on a 24 hour urine collection to see if I'm spilling protein. My bp down in triage was in the 130's/70's which is back in the normal range, so the numbers we were getting up in the doctors office was most likely a fluke. I was eventually sent home with instructions to continue the 24 hour urine collection and begin monitoring my bp 2-3xs a day. The nurse told me it might not hurt to keep my bags packed and in the car from this point on. When the nurse told be to start packing my bag, it just made the impending birth of my little guy all that much more real.

Holy crap I'm going to be a mom soon.

Between bp's taken up at the doctors office, the doctor talked to me about getting my cerclage out. It looks like it will be coming out in less than 3 wks although she hasn't scheduled it yet. I've heard from others that they do not numb you for the cerclage removal but she said it shouldn't be painful. I guess they used to do the removal in triage but she said she felt more comfortable doing it in the OR. I was a little afraid to ask why. If you know why, please don't tell me. Ignorance is bliss. She also has me coming in every week until baby's b-day. Again, holy crap I'm going to be a mom soon.

While walking down to traige, I kept thinking I need to still wash the floors, take care of the litter box, get Cooper (dog) to doggy daycare, vaccuum, etc. I think this little incident made me realize that I just need to be better prepared for any last minute changes in the baby plan. I think from now on when I go in for a doctors appointments I'm going to make sure my cleaning list is done (to the best of my ability) before I leave. I would hate for my family to come down and have to help me clean.

Let me finish this post with one of the best pregnancy-brain stories I've heard in a long time...thankfully this one is not about me. My bff, who is 24 wks along drove to work and parked. She has to take a bus from the parking lot to her office (she works on a university campus). It was raining really hard that morning and as she was pulling in, she could see the bus coming. Instead of risking having to sit in the rain while waiting for the next bus, she quickly parked, hit the lock on the door, and ran to catch the bus. At the end of the day, she caught the bus back to the parking lot. While on the bus she searched through her purse and jacket for her keys but couldn't find them anywhere. Then it dawned on her that she didn't use her keyfaub to lock her car door so she instantly assumed that she locked her keys in her car. She starts to call her husband to tell him he's going to have to make the hour drive to her office with her spare keys when she approaches the car and sees that not only did she not lock her door to her car but she left the car running!!! Her car sat out for over 8.5 hours running in the university parking lot and no one stole it!! I told her she must be the luckiest person I've ever met and that she might want to buy a lottery ticket asap! Even better she still had gas left, who knew you can leave a car idling for that long and not run out of gas? lol.

59 days!! Gulp!

2012-01-05T16:17:00.000-06:00

The days are flying by faster and faster. My doctor finally pulled the plug on my second job (restaurant job) this week after I started experiencing a tremendous amount of pressure in my lower pelvic region. Work at the restaurant was crazy this weekend and I know I over did it but I got to tell you, depositing the $500+ dollars into my checking account was really nice. All the running around helped the baby drop. The pressure has caused so much havoc though that I developed hemorrhoids that will need to be lanced by a colon-rectal surgeon next Tuesday. Loads of fun!! Sitting at my day job has been difficult but I'm afraid if I tell them I need to start working from home, it will cause more problems than its worth so I'm sucking it up.

Since the fiasco of two weeks ago, things have calmed down a bit. My d-bag manager never got in trouble but we arranged a new system where he has to send an email to both me and our boss stating what work will be given to me each week, time constraints, any training that will be needed to do the task, etc. I was skeptical at first, but this system will prevent him from stealing work or preventing me from working.....I hope. It at least prevents any "he said, she said crap". The funny part about it all was this week his email said he had no work for me to do. A little birdie told me that the boss did tell him that was unacceptable and so now I have work coming out of my ears. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining one bit. It just cracked me up that he would still try that crap. Did you hear that???? I think that was the crack of the whip.

Thanks for The Support

2011-12-28T09:02:00.000-06:00

I'm still here. Thank you for all of your comments. I go through these moments of doubt until I discuss the situation with outsiders and they all seemed to be appalled. It's good to know that I'm not going crazy. I partially post this information to hear feedback but it's also an effort to document all the madness that is going on.

Xmas was great although it didn't feel the same without snow. It was fun seeing the family and as always really hard to leave. I'm sure work is a little irritated with me because I came back with a wicked cold. I called out yesterday and I'm almost 90% sure I'm not going to make it through a full day. I sound like an old lady who spent her whole life smoking cigs. Thankfully my local pharmacist hooked me up with some good drugs that should help me get over it all pretty fast.

I've decided to start looking for a new job at the end of the month, even if it means changing careers. I really can't job hunt right now with my due date looming so near and I also don't want to lose the 3 months of maternity leave I have accrued. Three months away from work. I have a hard time imagining that amount of time off but I hear it will go really fast. This whole pregnancy just seemed to flown by. I try to enjoy every minute of it, especially when I'm hanging out on the couch and will all of sudden see my whole belly jump and morph into some crazy shape.

Welcome to Crazy Town

2011-12-22T15:21:00.000-06:00

It's amazing how things change so quickly. I have continued on my tour of apologies and I have to say this is flat out humiliating. I can keep it together in the hallways and when talking to the people that I haven't really gotten to know all that well or know there is not a chance in hell I could have pissed them off. I come completely undone when I am in front of the people I work closely with and have a tremendous amount of respect for. It would kill me to find out if they are the ones that hate working with me.

Since the "I was testing you" comment of the marketing lady, I have gotten multiple "why the hell are they making you do this" which I really am not able to explain unless risking getting into more trouble and the latest response has been "What the F.... is wrong with your department". Maybe they are being nice, but everyone that I've talk to thus far(with the exception of marketing lady) has told me that they enjoy working with me and don't understand why they are making me do this. This is just embarassing. I still apologize to them profusely as I walk out the door just in case. Surprisingly, I've gotten a job offer from one of our department heads from the engineering side as a result of this madness. I thought that was pretty nice. So to recap I have one negative and 8 positive. Thank god it's the day before xmas break and there are not many people in this office because I don't think I can keep doing this without wanting to off myself (Just an expression of how depressing this is, I would not ever dream of hurting myself or my baby).

And then this happened:

After giving out one of my first apologies, that person went to HR about it and asked if they realized this was going on and wanted to know why (I don't know what else was discussed). HR just found me and told me that I could stop doing my rounds and that it was a bad idea on behalf of my boss. They didn't realize I would actually do it and didn't feel it was necessary afterall. Oh and now I am allowed to go to the engineers and ask questions without holding my boss's or manager's hands. Yippee. As crazy as it sounds, I hope to not have the gag order lifted, then I can continue to come to work and watch these two yahoo's (manager and boss)dig their own graves. I'll save my opinion of that for a later date :)

Hush Money

2011-12-22T12:41:00.000-06:00

(Tuesday 12/20/11)

That's what my bonus check was. I had my review today, which was given by my boss and the owner of the company, and received five Above Expectations (4.0 points) and two nearly above expectations (3.5 points). This is phenomenal but was completely overshadowed by the one below expectations on interpersonal skills.

This was the comment: While she has good skills and brings energy and enthusiasm to a project, she needs to work on her relationships with fellow employees.

To say that I'm pissed about this is an understatement. Thinking that this was directly related to the situation with my ahole manager, I said this is really unfair that he wrote this on my review and he knows I've bent over backwards trying to improve the situation but it continually has gotten worse and he, the boss, has not done anything but perpetuate the situation. But this is the kicker, the boss said it wasn't because of my non-relationship with my a-hole manager. It's because I walked out on that meeting with the marketing lady and my idiot manager back in September (see 9/22/11 post). The boss knew that I walked out of that meeting because of my manager trying to do my work because I confronted him about it shortly afterwards which was compound by the marketing manager thinking that people would take a 15 minute survey, at a festival for a temporary tattoo. And now I'm being punished?

By the reaction of the owner of our company, I suspect he did not know that all of this has been going on. I briefly explained that this situation has been escalating for the last three years and in the last two years has turned into a bullying situation. I explained how my manager is very insecure and jealous, refuses to train me and has now withheld work when there are plenty of work to do. I also told him how this situation has led to begin losing our credibility with clients and deeply affects our productivity and quality of our products.

My boss tried to downplay the situation and kept saying "but your a great worker and grant writer" and at least you got a really great bonus. I would gladly give back my kick ass bonus, for a better work environment any day. I just surrendered at that point because I thought there was no way, after bring this to the owners attention, that this situation would continue. I kept it together long enough to walk myself into the HR department to tell the HR person what just happened. I had the ugly cry going on with the occasional hickup in the middle. I can be an emotional person but when I start hitting rock bottom thats when the cries turn into the hickups. It took awhile to even get the ability to speak again so I just showed her my review. I just told her a day earlier that I thought the boss was going to punish me on my review and that I had been having nightmares about it coming. She thought exactly what I thought, that the comment was directed towards my working relationship with my manager. She flipped when she found out he was dinging me on one incident that was already addressed and something he should take a little responsibility for (knowing that my co-worker had been stealing work yet not punishing him for it).

After calming down I left the office to find out that my boss was brought into the accounting office to what appeared to my informant, to discuss exactly how unproductive I've been and the general unproductiveness of our department. Whether this is true or not, I don't know but it sounded like the accounting department knew that I am constantly approaching them and other department heads for work, so at least I know they were not saying I was being unproductive on purpose.

I was so thankful to have a dr's appt scheduled for that day so that I could have a legit excuse to get out of misery. At least the appt went well. The echogenic focus was not noticeable on the ultrasound however the kidneys are still a little dialated over the normal range but the perinatologist thought that as the baby continued to grow it would resolve itself. It's a huge relief.

(Wednesday 12/21/11)

Nobody approached me to address the issue at all until the end of the day. There is nothing worse than getting an email at 3:30 saying you have meeting at HR at the end of the day. Of course I thought that was the end of me so I loaded up all my personal information on my computer to my flash drive.

I have very mixed emotions on how the meeting went. Pissed. Shocked. Betrayed. Self-loathed. Basically the jist was that this whole situation is my fault and that I am a difficult to work with, overly opiniated and nobody wants to work with me. I know you don't know me know me, but the first few weeks I worked here, I made sure I introduced myself to everyone I encountered. I want to have a positive workplace and I don't feel yelling or being rude to others will make my job easier nor anyone elses. My jealous co-worker actually complained about the number of people that stop by my desk on a daily basis. I've go to lunch and drinks (when not pregnant) with just about everyone in this place. This would not happen if people didn't like me and over all, if its one or two people who don't like me, that's ok. You don't have to make everyone like you. I am a ballsy girl. I believe on getting to the top in a way that is respectful, I don't believe on stepping on people, you will never get people to work with you if you do that. When someone asks my opinion, I give it even if I know it might not be what people want to hear. In a job with 100+ men, you need to stand your ground. I'm not a wallflower. I'm not going to lie to your face although I am very concientous about not delivering the news in a cold hearted fashion. I always try to provide two positive comments per negative comment. After saying all that, hearing that "nobody wants to work with me" was like a knife to my heart.

I believed it for a split second, I had to ask "really?" and even the HR person said she didn't believe it either but had talked to a "few" people and that's what they (HR and boss) were told. She had asked these people if they ever told anyone about this in the past and they said no. How do you correct something when you aren't told about your mistakes? I still took it very seriously, I would never want anyone to ever have that impression of me so I listened to what they had to say. And that's when I feel their story started to fall apart. The only person they really could indicate was our marketing lady. They said my ahole manager was not involved (and they were not going to let me talk about anything that had to do with my manager during this conversation) which I have a REALLY hard time believing. I know I can be viewed as opiniated and I know that when people sit around and discuss an issue over and over again and nobody takes a leadership role, I typically will step in when no one else seems to step up to the plate. I work with a number of quiet and insecure people, and I'm sure that my confidence and instinctive nature to lead rubs them the wrong way but after knowing them for 3 yrs, I know they will never make a decision on their own so I tend to expedite the process along. I also am very comfortable contacting one of our many engineers to ask for their input on the safety or viability of a infrastructure project that has been cooked up by our planning department. Our engineers are awesome and they have more than a handful of times prevented us from creating projects that our completely unsafe or unbuildable. The best part is, they never give me a hard time if I ask questions, they know I'm learning.

Their solution was for me to start going around to apologize to people in the office in case I have offended anyone with my opinions. Just apologize to everyone (I work with 170 people, a little over 100 in this office alone). My boss said he will go around the office in about a month or two to make sure I've made all my apologies. Maybe its just me, but that just seemed like they wanted me to get everyone involved in our mess of a situation which I feel is highly inappropriate. I have only talked to HR and four of my closest friends at work of this situation and I really don't want to drag others into it. But I'm going to do as I am told. It will be interesting to see peoples reactions. I figure I would just start off with the "I apologize if I've ever offended you in anyway, please don't feel like you need to tell me if I have or not, I'm not here to make anyones job here any harder than it needs to be and I don't want to foster an unhappy work environment". Something to that affect. I was also told that I am now no longer allowed to voice my opinion unless I am specifically asked for it nor am I allowed to ask my fellow engineers for their input unless I go and get my boss first and let him do it. I feel like I'm being treated like a child.

The funny part (ok maybe more uncomfortable) was when I mentioned that I am embarassed about how the fueding and lack of leadership in our department this affects other departments opinion about us. Worse, how it affects our clients perception. On a recent trip a co-worker from our northern office mentioned how, in general, our company has very few leaders and how he heard our department was the most dysfunctional and unmanaged. I brought it up in this meeting as an example. My boss started saying how he's on the board and he's never heard that before, that's just my opinion. Thankfully HR stood up for me and said she hears this type of comment regarding our department quite frequently. She even gave more examples of situations that fit this description. He just shook his head like we were making it all up. Again feeling fairly defeated, I just kind of surrendered. I agreed to the terms, dropped the fact that my co-worker lies and even my boss has acknowledged that he knows he is doing it and left for the day.

I headed for my second job that day and took a few minutes to share with my other boss what had happened. Out of my own paranoia, I asked him he felt that way about me too and If so, I promised to correct myself and that I do not want to be the cause of a bad work environment. He had the best reaction which made me feel sooo much better. Direct quote: "You work with a bunch of insecure assholes who clearly are covering there own asses by making you the escape goat! F-em! You're our Mary Poppins on crack, quit your job and come work for us full time" I still don't necessarily understand why I have to be equated to a disney character on crack, but I appreciate the gesture. Sorry for the quote, my manager at the restaurant talks like he just got out of prison;)

(Thursday 12/22/11)

I came into work this morning to begin my first apology sessions. I was a little apprehensive and started to really wonder again if what they heard was true. My first apology went to the marketing lady. I walked into her office and asked if she had a moment and apologized with everything I had. She accepted the apology and hugged me and then told me that she was purposely testing me that day to see if I would snap, and I failed miserably but she was glad I came to finally apologize to her and she hoped that I had learned my lesson. Yeah, that was what she said. UNBELIEVABLE, that was the most messed up thing I've heard in a very long time. You were purposly trying to pick a fight, as a "test" to make me learn my lesson? This is what I learned: I have some of the most immature co-workers who just want to power trip any chance they get. I didn't want to start a real fight I just kept my cool and apologized again and left.

The next two people said the exact same thing when I apologized (I just kept making my way down the row of offices), Why are you apologizing? We like working with you and have never had a problem with you, but your department is an unorganized mess. One of them also called us the land of the misfits. It is going to be a long day.

Thankfully I can leave in about 6 hours and bail out of this forsaken state. I just got to keep thinking it's Christmas, it's Christmas and I will have my baby in my arms in just a few short months.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Better Days?

2011-12-16T15:11:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was a totally crap-tastic day. I had to put down my favorite cat in the morning. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life. I feel guilty and horrible about it but she was experiencing kidney failure and could barely keep food down. Evie cat was awesome. She was really loving and cuddly, would occasionally jump in the shower with me (what cat do you know who likes to get wet?) and she could play fetch with the milk container rings. It's really weird not having her around and underfoot. I think my dog and other cat knew something was up when I came back without her. They both moped around the house all day and neither one of them ate until really late last night.

When I finally got myself together after leaving the vets office, I headed into work only to find out we weren't awarded the huge grant that we went for at the end of October. I was already emotional and that just sent me over the edge. All that work for nothing.

Thankfully, the late evening meeting with one of our long standing client which was anticipated to turn into a blood bath, went sooo much better than thought. Funny enough, I was told going into the meeting that it would just be the new mayor and members of our staff however it turning into a room full of 30+ people that included members of the city council, mayors office, accounting staff and the media. I was told to just be available to answer questions but that wasn't the case either. Instead, I had to come up with a presentation. Thankfully it took 2 hours before the group began to discuss my projects so I had enough time to prepare while sitting in the lounge of the hotel were the meeting was held.
The presentation was really well received and they were asking alot of questions that led me to believe I would have more work coming from them in the future. It wasn't until the group of us got in the company vehicle to head home when I found out that my project was the most contentious project that was discussed. I didn't realize that my project was used as a weapon in the last election. Either luck was on my side, or I explained the project in such away that made them realize it was a wise investment. Either way, the outcome of the meeting looks promising.

I came to work this morning and found out I got my xmas bonus which was double of what I received last year. I nearly fell out of the chair when opened it. I was hoping it would cover the cost of one month of my maternity leave but it ended up covering that and the cost of the new laptop I've been eyeing. I'm trying to not let on that I'm overly excited about the bonus to the a-hole. When he asked how much I got (which just shows how insecure he is) I said it was ok and what I expected. As soon as I said that, his face lit up. Merry xmas ahole! My gift to you.

I also had a Dr.'s appointment this morning. She cleared up the litmus paper situation and said it is possible that I am leaking very minute amounts of amniotic fluid however she said it could also be an infection that is causing the change of Ph. We tested for a number of infections and it looks like there is none present. That of course doesn't mean that I didn't have one two weeks ago. My cervix has also begun funneling but she didn't seem too worried about it and said that after next week I will not be having any cervical length checks. I'm cleared to go home for xmas and am so ready to leave this damn place!! Whoop Whoop. I still have a growth scan on Tuesday but I can't imagine that we will find any problems.

Baby has been back at practicing his ninja skills and is still breeched.In the middle of my presentation at last nights meeting, he decided to assault my internal organs. I was trying not to laugh but I swear the little one is half human and half octopus. With 79 days left (I can't believe only 79 days!) I'm becoming more and more anxious to have this little guy. I still haven't decided on a name yet but I've narrowed it down to Nolan Rhys or Leo Sebastian. I've still have time, and it wouldn't surprise me if I change my mind, but I think I'm pretty satisfied with either name.

Still Here

2011-12-13T14:02:00.000-06:00

I haven't posted in awhile, mostly because I'm still a little freaked out by last weeks trip to the hospital and also because my a-hole of co-worker has gone on to tell everyone that I am unable to learn how to handle complex problems and that I am worthless, nothing better than a secretary. I just don't want to bitch everytime I blog.

The fluid stopped leaking but I've noticed a decrease in the baby's activity. It could be caused by the baby moving to odd place or my anterior placenta but it still freaks me out. Don't get me wrong, I feel him and know he's alive but compared to the boxing matches he was having with my insides a few weeks ago, I am now barely getting a tap every 3-4 hours. I wonder if I'm starting to get to that point where the baby is getting to big to be doing all his flips. It's probably all FTM paranoia.

I have my review coming up this week. I'm nervous about it to say the least. I'm just hoping asshole's new smear campaign wont affect my review. Guess I will find out soon enough.

It Would Be Funny If It Didn't Scare Me Half To Death

2011-12-05T10:41:00.000-06:00

I totally had a pregnancy oops on friday night. Since I seem to lack any sense of modesty or shame during this pregnancy, I thought I would share this little story with you.

I was working at the restaurant on Friday night. About three hours into my shift, I approached a new table and offered to take their drink and appetizer order. Within the minute and half that it took to take the order, I could slowly feel my pants getting wet to the point were I was starting to feel liquid dripping down my legs. I stayed calm infront of the guests but after I left the table I was in panic mode. I passed off the order to another server and hauled ass into the ladies room. I was soaked. The fluid was clear, didn't smell like urine and I felt like I couldn't stop the slow trickle. I had just gone to the ladies room about 15 minutes before this all happened so I couldn't imagine it being just urine. I was trying to rationalize everything but that feeling of "holy $hit" prevailed and I decided this is one of those times were calling the doctor is necessary.

I tried to make myself look somewhat presentable for my long walk across the restaurant, which inluded untucking my shirt and placing my apron in front of me (which probably brought more attention to my wet pants, than if I had just walked out with it in a normal location). I stopped at the host stand where my manager was hanging out. I think I scared him half to death when I told him that I'm having a bit of an emergency, showing him the state of my pants. All he could say was "Go,Go, GO!". I called the overnight service who got in contact with the on call doctor. I had already arrived at the hospital before he called me back so I just walked in.

The admissions woman was this nice older woman, who had some serious lack of computer skills. Who ever thought having a woman who can only type with one finger would be a great person to work the triage admissions desk is a genius. To make matters worse, she kept trying to crack jokes. I sat at the admissions desk for 20 minutes while she was trying to figure things out. Although I wasn't having any contractions, all this time wasting in this little office was just making me more and more stressed out.

I finally got to head in the triage room where they tested me to see if I was leaking fluid. The litmus paper they used will turn dark blue in the presence of amniotic fluid, yellow if there was none present. The test turned half dark blue, half yellow. The nurse sat there and studied it for a few seconds and decided it was inconclusive. I asked her if there was anything else that could cause the paper to turn blue which she said no. Hmm, ok. The nurse decided to do another test with a swab (I don't know what that test was exactly) and that also came out inconclusive. She left the room and called the on call doctor who decided to just release me. The nurse said I most likely just peed myself and that from now on, I should just be doing kegels as often as possible and wear a pad. How embarassing. Two hours at the hospital and probably an $800 doctors bill to tell me I have a bladder issue.

I am now wearing a bulky pad to capture the slow flow so I don't have to sit in pee pants all day long. Although I still have this fear that the nurse is horribly wrong, I have somewhat resigned myself to the fact that I will now have to suffer with stress incontinence issues for the next three months. Lucky me! Why didn't someone warn me about this when I got pregnant?

Baby Shower

2011-11-29T11:18:00.000-06:00

My baby shower was held on Saturday at my sister's house. It was alot of fun and I was really surprised by the turnout, considering that we had to hold it on a holiday weekend. Although I got very few items that were on my registry, I got a ton of clothes and toys! I don't think I will have to buy baby clothes until he is at least 9 months old.

I said I didn't want a overly traditional shower and my sister did a really good job setting it all up. There were a few games and the food was great. The best part was seeing people who I hadn't seen in ages.

I don't know why I get so weirded out by this, but I'm not use to having all eyes on me during a party. While I was opening my presents, I couldn't stop shaking. I also got a good sense of what it's like to be stalked by the paparrazi. There were flashing camera lights all over the place. I don't think I ever want to be famous.

I now officially have everything I need for baby, with three months to spare. It's such a great feeling.

Next doctors appointment is on Friday. Let's see what fun is instore for me.

Perinatologist Appointment update

2011-11-22T16:25:00.000-06:00

I finally had my appointment with the specialist today. The ultrasound was long and thorough. The genetics consult was....awkward. The lady kept skirting around the daddy issue. When she finally came out and asked if I knew who the father was, I provided her with the copy of the information I received from the cryogenics facility. Her reaction was "That's all you got?" uuuh yeah. I didn't know if I should be really worried that I didn't receive more information from the clinic or if I should somehow be ashamed that I used a donor. She was a very nice, professional lady but her demeanor when discussing the donor clearly made her act differently which just made me feel uncomfortable. Who knows, maybe its my hormones that made me feel that way and I can't expect everyone to be cool with my decision to use an anonymous donor.

The doctor came in and said he could completely throw the nuchal fold measurement out the window. At this point the baby's head circumference is out of the range that they would use as a comparison for the nuchal fold width (I hope I'm explaining this right). The dilated kidneys seem to have shown some signs that the issue was starting to correct itself (I did not get the measurements). He wants to continue to have it monitored but felt by the time the baby was born, this wouldn't be an issue. Then we discussed the EIF. On this ultrasound, the calcifications were not showing up as dark as bone but where definitely there. Again, it looked better on this ultrasound than it did two weeks ago. He said that could be because they used a higher resolution ultrasound today than what was used two weeks ago and it could also be attributed to the issue beginning to correct itself. He said that even if it didn't go away it should not affect the function of the heart and that it is the only Down's marker that he saw. He said the EIF, along with my age, left me with a 1 out of 200 chance of having a baby born with down's. I will gladly take those odds.

He gave me the option to go ahead and get an amnio to know for sure or do a growth scan in 4 weeks and another one 5 weeks later. I chose the growth scan after he again repeated that he felt that things would most likely rectify themselves. Overall, I feel really good about the appointment and am looking forward to sleeping through the night without waking up from worrying.

Interestingly, he told me that my circlage was considered "controversial". He told me the next time I get pregnant, he would recommend me NOT getting one because my cervix showed no signs of shortening. He also asked me to provide the names of the doctors who told me I needed it. I've been told by two doctors that I needed one due to my previous LEEP, and a third doctor that told me it wouldn't hurt to get one done. I asked if it would be better if I had it taken out but he thought we should just leave it for now. I dont know who to believe.

With all this good news this week, I can head back home to see the family without any worries. The baby shower is on Saturday and I made my sister promise to not do any belly measuring games. I already feel like a whale and I still have another 103 days to go!

Just a Brag Post

2011-11-21T10:55:00.000-06:00

I really considered calling in sick today but I am so glad I didn't because I found out that I won another $750K in grants! That brings my winning total to $2.15 Million out of a possible $2.4 million in one year. Its a double fist bump day for me:)

Since the bosses are deciding bonuses and raises in the next week or two, I've been shamelessly promoting my big win. It may seem tacky to some but this girl has a baby on the way and nice raise and a bonus could really come in handy!

Hopefully this good news week will continue on. I have my doctors appointment tomorrow to follow up on the soft markers in my previous ultrasound. I did a good job not thinking about it over the weekend but it's been a losing battle today.

Pulled the Plug

2011-11-15T10:58:00.000-06:00

So let's just say my conversation with my friends did not go as well as I had planned. After talking to a few other friends in our circle, there were quite a few people who felt the same way I did, so I didn't feel so bad when I made the phone call. I told them I really hadn't come up with any ideas but casually asked them what they still needed to get before the baby comes home. Alot of it was frivolous stuff that aren't "needs". Example: The crib she picked out was $700, which is insane to expect to get at a shower. Other things on her list were the day-to-day things like diapers (they got a lot at the shower but she has this crazy idea that they need a year supply). I think I did a good job explaining that when you have a baby shower, you can't expect to get everything to raise a child for the first two years, a shower is just something to get you started with the basics. She seemed to be ok with the response but about an hour after I got off the phone I received a call from another friend (who also thankfully stood their ground on the no-fundraising stance) who said she got an earful from the new mommy. Mostly, she feels that her and her husband throw these big parties and outings for our friends all the time and that we all owe them and are acting ungrateful. EEEKS! Our friend suggested that she might be going through some post-partum depression, which I thing she might be right about. I think the plan is just to let everything calm down and call them in a few days to see how the baby is doing. She RSVP'd to my baby shower on Monday (pre-phone call), which I hope she will still attend. Maybe this will all just blow over.

So Annoyed

2011-11-14T13:35:00.000-06:00

Before, I start going on a rant, thank you to all of those who commented on my last post. I want to make sure I find at least one childrens book for children born to smc's. This is a good start.

So why am I annoyed? When I decided to try to become pregnant on my own, I tried to plan for the financial and emotional requirements of raising a child. I've saved money and have bought nearly all the necessities without feeling the need to rely on others. With that said a friend, who conceived through an IVF treatment, just had a child that was born prematurely (27wks). The baby should be release from the NICU in a month or two. We held a baby shower for them a few weeks ago because we knew, due to the situation, they hadn't had time to really purchase too many items. Last week we learned the reason they hadn't bought a thing was because they were hoping to get everything from the baby shower. I recently received a phone call informing me that they want me to help host a fundraiser to come up with the rest of the money to buy things like a crib, diapers, etc. I'm so miffed!! I could understand if it was to help to pay for medical bills but their insurance is top notch and they will not have to pay for any hospital bills. His wife is still getting short-term disability payments which provides her 3/4 of her salary so they are not really losing out on much of her salary either. They make double of what I make and have a very nice home and multiple cars. They are also known for blowing obscene amounts of money to impress others. From the outside, there seems to be no reason that they couldn't save money for the arrival of their little one and now they are expecting all their friends and family to foot the bill. I need to call them back today to tell them my ideas for a fundraiser but what I really want to do is tell them to shove it (which I'm sure that's how I'm going to phrase it and then blame it on my pregnancy hormones). What would you do? I seriously want to go off on them and tell them how irresponsible they are being.

I know I'm not painting these people in the best of light. They are both very nice and go out of the way to help our friends and family with regular acts of kindness. They are great to be around and I've never felt like they are not good friends to have. However, they are just incredible irresponsible with money.

Adding to this feeling of being annoyed, on my road trip with my asshole co-worker, he tried to make it sound like him and his wife were still together even though I was present for a phone call between him and his bank while he was trying to get her name off the mortgage. He said he could "refinance at a cheaper rate without her name on it". We had a meeting on friday where one of our clients said to him "I'm sorry to hear about your divorce" which sent asshole into a stuttering frenzy. The client then said "it's ok, I talk with my employees (which he meant more specifically our ex-intern and the person asshole is having an affair with) and they, ahem, told me all about it". Asshole was pretty quiet the rest of the meeting. Later I found out he went to the secretary and finally, after 5 years of cheating on his wife, said that he was seeing the ex-intern, however the relationship just started and he wasn't sleeping with her. YEAH, SURE!!! He also said he didn't want anyone to know because he was afraid it would ruin his reputation at work, like nobody knew this has been going on for the last few years. Duh. And the funny part is, he told this all to a person who is a notorious gossiper so now the whole staff knows. I just get so annoyed with his lying. It just makes the situation even sleazier than it needs to be and it takes all the attention off of doing what we should be doing, working, and places it all on his ridiculous antics.

When Times Get Hard, Look For the Humor In It All

2011-11-11T15:53:00.000-06:00

I have a habit of cracking jokes even during difficult situations. Laughter is a great coping mechanism so I try to look for some humor in it all.

I received the paper work I needed to fill out for my doctors appointment. The second question under medical history was "Is the baby's father related to you?" I know that might not seem funny to some people but I have a sick sense of humor and I DO live just north of the Kentucky border where people joke around all the time about brothers marrying sister's, etc. As soon as I saw the question I had to quick text my sister and a friend. They suggested that since I really didn't know who the father is (other than the basic donor information) that I should put a question mark in the answer box. LOL. I sure hope that's not an issue:)

My doctors office provided me with the list of all things that need to be accomplished in your 6th month of pregancy. This includes signing up for birth and baby care classes, hiring a pediatrician and looking into daycare. I signed up for a "Mother and Infant" class and a breastfeeding class today but I just couldn't bring myself to sign up for the birthing class. There are no specialty classes for single moms here; they are all couple oriented. I feel like a bit of a loser for going alone and I really feel guilty about asking a friend to take time out of their lives for a two day birthing workshop. Anyone else for-go the birthing class? I know baby center has some online classes maybe I will test them out.

Next step is finding a daycare provider and a pediatrician. I don't know why I have this incredible desire to procrastinate on this but I do.

I finally found a baby memory book for single moms that conceive through donors! The book, made by Tessera, was a little costly but so worth it!! I can't believe there aren't more books out on the market like this. Seems like a new business opportunity to me. Now I'm just on a hunt for children books that relate to being born to SMC's. Any suggestions?

It's Going to Be a Long Week and a Half

2011-11-10T12:22:00.000-06:00

The appointment with the fetal-maternal specialist is scheduled for the 22nd, 4 days before my baby shower. The nurse really wouldn't give me any details other than it will include an ultrasound and a meeting with a genetics counselor. She said it should last around 2-3 hours. I'm just hoping that the appointment will lead to an answer because I can't imagine being able to keep it together at the shower without knowing. I can barely keep it together right now. I bounce back-and-forth between thinking "everything is going to be ok" to "worst-case scenario". It's mentally exhausting. I would give anything for a week long vacation were I could just stay in my pajamas all day and hang out on the couch with my dog and the remote.

Google is the Enemy

2011-11-08T11:09:00.000-06:00

I refused to google the results of my ultrasound yesterday but broke down around 4am when I couldn't sleep. Big mistake. I'm just more confused and anxious. One site tells me the risk of Down's and Edward's syndrome go up with the three markers. Another site tells me that this all means essentially nothing while another, which was someone's blog, stated that her baby demonstrated no markers yet her baby has down's. DAMN YOU GOOGLE!!!

I'm trying to keep a positive spirit but by the time I got out of work, I decided to take the dog for a walk and then go directly to bed so I could avoid any family phone calls. After my intense google research, I decided to tell my parents what was going on. My Mom made me feel a little better but we both fully understand the magnitude of living with a person who has a mental disability. I think if I didn't know what it was like I might not freak out as much as I am, but I know how difficult it was for my grandparents to care for my Aunt Maggie. For all I know these markers don't mean a damn thing and are a complete fluke but if there not, I want to be as prepared as possible. My Mom and I both agreed that if the specialists suggests an amnio, I'm going for it. There is no way I could go through with the rest of this pregnancy without knowing.

Now I'm just waiting on the phone call from the specialist. I wish they would hurry up with this appointment so I can calm my mind down.

Not Panicking But Losing My Cool

2011-11-07T17:06:00.000-06:00

I finally had my follow up ultrasound this morning. The good news is that the baby remained in the perfect position to get all the measurements that were needed for the anatomy scan. I even got some great profile pics and one fantastic confirmation pic that showed, without a doubt, that I'm carrying a boy.

The bad news needs to be put in a list because it, overall, was not the appointment I was hoping for.

1) Not only is baby boy's tubes that leads from his kidneys are dilated, but he also shows calcification in his heart and also had a higher measurement for the nuchal fold (did I say that right?). I'm being sent to a specialist to investigate more. My Dr said this could be a sign that there is a chromosomal disorder or it could mean absolutely nothing, just measurements and the angle of the pictures were misleading. I'm still banking on nothing but I'm definitely more concerned about it, especially when she started talking about possibly having me go in for an amnio. I almost started to cry when she started going through everything but I held it together when she said she had to give me the "worst case" scenario speech and that it didn't necessarily mean it will happen.

2) Up till the beginning of October I hadn't gained more than a pound or two. I weighed myself this morning and realized I had gained 10 lbs in a month!! The doctors office confirmed the weight gain too. Looks like tonight I will be re-evaluating what is in my refridgerator and cupboards. I know with the stress of finishing yet another high-profile grant application caused me to eat a lot of fast food so, hopefully, if I convert back to my traditional eating habits I can control my weight gain for the rest of the pregnancy.

3) My blood pressure was so much higher than what it normally is. I think my last appointment had me at 117/73. This appointment it was 147/78. Since I gained a lot of weight and my blood pressure is all wonky, they are sending me into get the dreaded glucose test next Friday.

Overall it was a lot to take in during one appointment. I'm trying to keep my wits about everything but I can't help but to teeter on the edge of despair. The eating habits are a piece of cake (excuse the pun) to correct, but the chromosomal abnormalities and possibly the blood pressure issue may be uncorrectable. If you have received similar results but had a great turnout, PLEASE share your story with me. I could really use the positive feedback.

Consolation Prize

2011-11-06T17:06:00.000-06:00

I didn't get the job. It sounds like they decided to go with someone with less experience (which I'm kind of surprised by, maybe I'm too expensive?). I'm bummed out about it because I'm sure that was the last chance to find a new job before the baby is born. On the bright side I took a small portion of the money that I was saving for the move and put it towards the cadillac of strollers, a Bumbleride indie in Seagrass. I've been eyeing it up for quite awhile but could never pull the trigger on buying something so expensive. My train of thought on the purchase is as follows (or in other words, how I lied to myself to make the purchase justifiable):

1)Most people buy a travel stroller but really only use it until the baby outgrows the infant carrier and then they switch to an umbrella stroller because its lighter and easier to maneuver. This stroller weighs less than 20 lbs (like an umbrella stroller)and I can use it with an infant carrier if I need to. The best part is I don't even need the infant carrier because the stroller seat fully reclines for an infant.

2) I love going for long walks, many of which are not on even terrain so I would eventually need to purchase a jogging stroller. Bam! This works as a jogging stroller.

In a long about way, I'm hoping I'm saving myself money in the long run by not needing to buy two or three strollers to meet my needs. I still registered for a Chicco lightweight stroller when I travel and am short on space. The bumbleride does not fold into a nice compact size.

My rational could totally be off but it's my one big splurge for the baby. All the other things I've purchased have been super cheap so I think I can forgive myself. Let's see how I feel about it in a couple of months :)

Pins and Needles

2011-11-02T16:46:00.000-05:00

I still haven't heard back from the company that I interviewed with last Friday. The wait is killing me! It's like I'm reliving the dreaded 2ww all over again. I have those moments where I think to myself there is no way that I didn't get the job and the next minute I think they would have called already if they liked me. What makes it even worse is that I contacted a lot of potential apartment complexes to find is place to live. Everytime I see a phone number from that area I get all jumpy because I think its the job calling only to find out it's an apartment complex returning my call. It's nerve racking.

So I know I've been joking around about baby names but I think I need to start getting a little more serious about the big decision. I hoping you ladies can help. Here is my list so far:

1. Nolan
2. Liam
3. Wyatt
4. Finn
5. Leo
6. Oliver

I absolutely love the name Nolan but my sister's son is named Logan and I'm a little concerned that the two names sounding too similar. Liam is getting really popular around these parts and I don't want my son to have to deal with all the problems that are associated with a common name. Leo is a great name that a couple of friends have suggested, however, that is my infertility doctors name and I don't want anyone to think I named my son after the Doctor that helped me to get knocked up. Too weird. I love the name Finn but my aunt just named her new puppy Finley but they call her Finn for short. I can just imagine my Aunt yelling at the dog (she does that alot and its scary) and having my son think she is yelling at him. Plus having a dog and child named almost the same thing is not right. I love the name Oliver, but my co-worker that just had her twins prematurely named one of her sons the same name. Of course, if I get the new job and am able to move away from here that won't matter. The only name that doesn't have some crazy issue surrounding it is Wyatt and I do like it but am not sure if Im completely sold on the name like I am with the name Nolan.

Man do I sound crazy hormonal and neurotic in that last paragraph!!

I've Got a Good Feeling About This One

2011-10-29T20:20:00.001-05:00

The job interview went incredibly well and I think this just officially became my dream job. It sounds like the other two candidates that they are considering are straight out of college with a masters yet no work experience. The interviewer, who is really awesome, had a total different set of questions for me and I think I seriously knocked her socks off! I hope I'm not being overly cocky about all of this but when I left, I felt like this is where I want to be.

The job is located in downtown Milwaukee in this gorgeous old restored building close to some of the best shops and restaurants. My office (thinking positively)has a gigantic floor to ceiling window that looks out over the Milwaukee River. Say goodbye to dreary dark cubicle! Since this office just opened, there would be only my boss and I in the office while the rest of my 50 co-workers are located in another nearby city. And get this....they have a company plane to get us back and forth between our office and job sites!! When she told me that my jaw hit the table. I'm so excited about all of this, I just can't stop smiling. The interview was only suppose to last for an hour but at the end of the interview we sat and chatted for about 20 minutes only to realize that we both are from the same home town. It also gave me the opportunity to tell her that I have a couple of political connections in some of the communities that they are hoping to start getting work from. Aaahh the power of the name drop.

I should find out on Monday if they are going to call me back for a second interview. If I get the call, I get to drive back home sometime this week. Let's hope.

Lately the baby has been kicking a lot harder and he seemes to enjoy kicking me straight in the bladder. It doesn't hurt but it makes me feel like I should run to the bathroom. I kept hoping the little man would be on his best behavior while I was at the interview and thankfully he was. I still don't think the interviewer could tell I was pregnant and it probably helped when I told her I gained 60lbs since moving to Indiana.

My family threw a party together on Friday night to celebrate my brief homecoming. It was a lot of fun seeing everyone together. My uncle created some scary creature that stood about 6ft tall and put it outside, against the patio sliding door. This thing was scary on its own but when a brief rain shower came through the wind would catch its clothes and it looked like it was alive. Super freaky! Every once in awhile someone would forget it was there only to catch a glimpse and start screaming. It happened so many times that they finally just had to take it down. I joked that we should put it against the neighbors window (we know the neighbor and they have a great sense of humor) but my uncle begged us not to. He said he could just envision the neigbor getting so freaked out by this "person" looking into the window that they will have 8 cop cars outside of their house investigating this peeping tom.

I knew the question about baby names would come up at some point in the evening so I decided to tell them I was dead set on the name Diesel. My Mom and Dad gave me the dirtiest look I think I've ever gotten. Funny enough, my Aunt thought it was an awesome idea. I finally caved and told them what my real potential names were but Aunt kept calling him baby Diesel.

I don't know if I ever told this story on my blog but right before my nephew was born, I knew my sister wanted to name her son Logan which has been my baby name FOREVER. To try to give her alternatives to the name my two Aunts and I came up with a list of normal names but as the drinks kept being poured we began to come up with some really crazy ones. The one that stuck the most was "Richard Rodney" aka "Dickie Rod". It became a big hit in the family. So although his name is Logan, our family somtimes still refer to him as little Dickie Rod. Remind me to someday send him an apology letter :)

On another note, I love my ticker!! Only 127 days to go!

Another Interview

2011-10-24T16:13:00.000-05:00

I turned down the job in Athens. It did seem like a great opportunity but at the end of the day it does make more sense for me to move closer to home. Within an hour of making that decision on Wednesday, I got a phone call to interview with a company that is within a 20 minute drive of my parents house. Talk about destiny! What seems even more remarkable is the fact that they are only interviewing 3 candidates. I like those odds! I told my mom she should make some of her awesome homemade rolls and brownies so I can coerce them into hiring me :)

They offered me an opportunity to interview via a phone conference but I thought I would have a better chance of getting the position if I interviewed in person so now I have an impromptu trip up to WI on Friday morning. I'm so excited, I feel like a girl getting ready for prom. What do I wear? How should I do my hair and makeup? Are they going to like me? What if I say something super embarrassing or don't know an answer to a question? Ahhhh!

I'm a little nervous that they will also be able to tell I'm pregnant. In the last few months I've just appeared fat (especially since I'm chubby already) however I'm starting to get a more defined baby bump. I know I keep going back and forth on this issue but I really don't want them to know I'm pregnant until after I've signed a contract or have been offered the job. Please god let them offer me this job!!

It would be so nice to move back home, especially when it comes to childcare. Two of my aunts are daycare providers and my mom has offered to take the baby on tuesdays for free. I would much rather have a family member taking care of my little one instead of a stranger. On top of that, my job requires occasional night meetings and my family is willing to help me out on those nights as well.

The only problem I forsee is the cost of housing is so much higher there than it is here. I currently pay $660 for my townhouse (including pet fees and W/D). A similar size apartment with the same amenities would cost me closer to $900 - $1000. Ouch that is a lot of money. On top of that I currently live only 5-10 minutes away from work, keeping my transportation costs to less than $40 a month. Because the Southeast WI is so much more car dependent, I'm sure that cost will jump up to $200 or more.

Oh well, I will work it out when I get the job. Crossing my fingers.

IF Medication and Cancer?

2011-10-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

I'm blown away by the news that Guiliana Rancic has breast cancer. About a year ago I stumbled upon her reality show when she had her first failed IVF cycle. It was really eye opening tv that hit pretty close to home. Most celebrities hide their infertility issues yet she was brave enough to lay it out there for the world to see.

And now this breast cancer diagnoses.

My aunt went through multiple IVF cycles which resulted in no pregnancies (she later divorce, got remarried, and got pregnant on her own naturally, twice). At age 40 she was diagnosed with an aggressive form of breast cancer which she has been battling for the last 10 years. Her cancer is estrogen-driven (it's my understanding that not all breast cancers are like this). When she found out that I was using medication to stimulate my ovaries she told me she thought her cancer was caused by the medications she took when was trying to conceive. Of course her doctor really hasn't put much stock into her theory, however it is interesting that the news of Giuliana's cancer is bringing this controversial subject into focus.

Although I heard the original announcement from the Rancic camp stating her doctor insisted on her receiving a mammogram before she went through hormone treaments and potential pregnancy because the increased estrogen could accelerate any existing cancer; I've now heard reporters stating that IVF can cause cancer. I'm sure the reporters are just misinterpreting the news but it does make me pause. Was Rancic's doctor correct to state that IF meds can accelerate some existing cancers? Should we all be required to go through a mammogram prior to starting medicated IF cycles? I know it would give me a peace of mind just to have a follow up mammogram after the baby is born. I did have one done two years ago (which I had to fight with my family doctor to get) and it showed three false positives which were ruled out in a subsequent mammogram.

I just hope, in Guiliana's case that they caught it early enough so that she will not have to go through extensive rounds of treatment and will be able to get back on TTC wagon in the next few years. This woman needs something to go her way!

Thank you for the previous comments regarding my potential new job. My family is the most important thing to me and I have been seriously considering calling the Georgia job and telling them I'm not interested (although it looks like an awesome place to live). I think I can survive working here for a couple more months which in the interim, I hope I can find a job closer to family and friends. It would really be nice to be closer to a solid support system. I have a tendency to be overly independent but I really need to start thinking like a protective mother and not a single person with no responsibilities.

I'm Past the Half Way Mark!

2011-10-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

I'm officially 20wks today! I'm half way there. It's funny but a week ago I felt so prepared for baby to be here and now I'm starting to feel like there is so much more to do. I know I'm just being irrational. The nursery is set up, I have tons of baby clothes, diapers and other essentials. Again, I'm only half way! Why am I doing this to myself?

I haven't heard back from the new job yet and am starting to get anxious. I keep bouncing back and forth on whether or not I want to take it. I think the new job would be great and, so far, I'm pretty impressed with what I've seen of the Athens/Atlanta area. The part that I keep getting hung up on is the fact that I will be that much further from home. It's going to be really hard to do a 15hr drive with an infant. I could fly, which I'm not so sure is much better when you consider trying to carry all the things a baby needs plus my things. Plus, I would need to find a boarding place for my dog while I'm gone and that equals more $.

My mom asked if the thought of moving was more stressful than just staying here. Good question. As of right now the answer would be no but who knows what situation my new place will be in. At the end of the day, I still just wish I could be closer to family in WI and the new job would just have me living further away.

I did come up with a plan to work my ass off to come up with the $3000 to move. Even if I don't move now, I can put it into my emergency fund. The further along I get into this pregnancy the more fear of the unknown I have. Am I really making enough to pay for daycare? I won't be able to work a second job to make more money when I overspend one month. Am I going to be able to stay true to my budget? If I move, that $3k will be forever gone and I won't have more than a couple of hundred available. That scares the crap out of me.

What to do next?

2011-10-14T12:55:00.000-05:00

I had my job interview yesterday and it went well. They are considering me for two different positions even though I only submitted for one position. I have a strong sense that I got the job but I was so nervous during the interview that I forgot to ask what the pay was! I did find out that they wont pay relocation costs which will make moving incredibly difficult, especially with the holidays right around the corner. I figured it would cost me at least $3000 to move which is a lot of cash to come up with in one month. Can I pull this off?

I didn't tell them I'm pregnant either and I'm feeling really guilty about it. I think I will tell them if they offer me a contract. I just don't want to move only to find out I pissed my new bosses off. That's never a good way to start a job.

I also figured if I move there, I would definitely be giving birth alone. There is no way my family or friends could drive there in time. I don't know why this is bothering me now when there is still a good chance that I will go through the birthing process by myself at my current location.

I'm worried giving up christmas time with family, going through birth alone, and losing paid maternity leave are some big sacrifices in hopes that my new job will be less stressful and more enjoyable than my current position.

If I wasn't pregnant, I would just go for it. But with a baby on the way, I feel 10x's more indecisive. I know I need to move on but I'm so scared that it will backfire and then I'll be stuck 800 miles away from home with no one to rely on.

Uuugh. I just don't know what to do.

Baby boy has been playing some games with mommy this week. He seems to enjoy tucking himself under my rib cage and putting pressure on a nerve. It has caused a tremendous amount of back and hip pain. For two days straight I couldn't take more than three steps without doubling over in pain. I called the nurse (man she has to be tired of hearing from me) A) to ask about what could be causing this pain and B) My co-worker has shingles and is still going to work everyday. The nurse told me I was already exposed to the Chicken Pox so I shouldn't have to worry about getting shingles or passing it on to baby. She also told me the baby was probably just laying on a nerve and that I should go and lay down on my side to see if I could get him out of that position. Sure enough, after an hour of laying on my side, I could feel him move and the pain just vanished. Tricky little man! He's floated back to that area a couple of times since then but at least I now know how to get him away from that nerve.

What a week!!

2011-10-07T16:41:00.000-05:00

First and most importantly....ITS A BOY!!

I found out at todays scan. Baby boy was being very difficult and continued to face towards my spine the entire ultrasound. The tech only got half of the measurements that she needed so I will need to go back and repeat the utrasound in a few weeks. The little man had his legs crossed nearly the whole session until a few minutes before the tech was going to give up and then..surprise! At one point he gave us a thumbs up which was pretty funny. Wow, I can't believe I'm having a boy! I'm so excited!

They did find an anormality with a kidney but the doctor told me that this type of anormality tends to resolve itself and I shouldn't worry about it. I'm crossing my fingers that she is correct.

Ladies, don't try to pick up things that are heavy when pregnant. Take it from me. I went to Lowes to pick up a sandbag on Monday afternoon. I figured I could get a clerk to help put it in my cart and take it out to my car. Unfortunately they all seemed to be busy so instead of waiting around I just lifted the 50lb bag myself (I still had someone take it out to my car after I checked out). About an hour or two later, I noticed a tighting in my abdomen but blew it off. It happened a couple more times on Monday and seemed to happen more frequently on tuesday. They weren't painful so I wasn't worried and just figured these were braxton hicks. Tuesday night they seemed to continue to get worse and I noticed I was having a little back pain with them. I'm hard headed and just figured I would drink a ton of liquids and they would dissipate. But then wednesday came along. I had a stressful meeting over my bosses inability to punish sleazy-d. In the middle of the meeting I realized I was getting more BH's. By the time I got out of the meeting I was having them every ten to 15minutes. That's when I started to panic. I called the nurse on duty and she told me to head into the hospitals triage unit. As you can imagine, I freaked out when she told me this.

I was at the hospital for a total of three hours. During that time the nurse that was assigned to me told me I was too early in my pregnancy to possibly have BH's and that it was just round ligament pain. I felt like an idiot but then again I thought I could tell the difference between the two. Round ligament pain causes a stretching feeling at my hips and is occasionally accompanied with sharp pains around my lower abdomen and into the top of my legs. I can always walk it off with in a matter of minutes. With the BH's, I could clearly feel my whole abdomen get rock hard for a few seconds and then it would ease up. The nurse went back and called the doctor to tell her what was going on. The nurse was so sweet and said she made a mistake and that I could have BH's as early as 16wks. I guess we both learned something that day. They did a cervical length ultrasound and it looked good at 4cm so they sent me on my way with a warning that I shouldn't return to work for a few days. She didn't have to tell me twice!!

I did come in on Thursday to discuss somethings with HR. They finally talked to the boss on wednesday while I was gone and he said he knew that sleazy-d did not like me but didn't understand why. He also admitted that he knew that there sleazy-d was doing more shady things than even I didn't know about. He told HR that from now on, even if it just one thing, I should immediately go to him about the problem. This just pissed my off because I come to him with 10 things (and proof to back it up) and boss doesn't do anything. What make him think that I will believe he will do anything when I come to him with one problem? I told HR at this point this job isn't really worth fighting for and if I stayed expecting a change I basically fit into the definition of insanity.

And then this afternoon I got an awesome phone call offering a job interview in Athens, GA! I just sent that resume last week Wednesday! I'm interviewing with them on the 13th. I'm a little nervous about moving further away from the family but its just not worth staying here. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself and need to get the job first but what a confidence booster that phone call was. I feel like I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel!

What did you do with your extra unused medication?

2011-10-03T14:50:00.000-05:00

I have approximately $3000 worth of unused gonal-f and ovidrel just sitting in my fridge (4 gonal f 900iu pens and 4 Ovidrels). I was just going to keep it for the next baby, but I really don't want to start trying again when this one will only be 5 mos old (some of the meds will expire in august of 2012 or a little later). The fertility clinic nurse told me I could use it up until 6 mos after the expiration date which still does not give me a lot of time between children.

I thought of donating it but my doctor told me it isn't a tax deductible donation. I'm generous but I can't just give away $3000 when I know I have a move and a new baby on the way. I'm thinking about selling the online for half the price. Is this a bad idea? Has anyone else done this? What did you do with your unused medication?

Friday is Here

2011-09-30T15:38:00.000-05:00

And my boss did NOTHING. He brought both of us into the office and went over what we are suppose to be doing for the next week and sent on our way. No "hey, sleazy d, your a lying sack-o-shit and you've been busted". No "We're tired of you wasting company time, do what your suppose to do and stop trying to take other peoples work".

Funny, I felt helpless prior to going back to the boss for the latest complaint. Now I'm just feeling used and worthless.

On the brightside of things, I paid off the baby's crib and dresser and should have them delivered in the next week. I also only have one more week until my ultrasound. It can't come fast enough.

Hope....Kind Of.... Errr...Not

2011-09-29T12:45:00.000-05:00

Work drama post...IGNORE If you want.

So the boss man calls me in today to see where I'm at with the set-up for our event at the festival. I flat out told him that Sleazy D (my new nickname for asshole manager, to cool sounding? )told me I was not working on it anymore and that he was going to work on it. I also said I have no idea where he was at on the project. We couldn't ask him at this point, because he was gone for a day of golf. I could tell by the look on his face, he understood what I was trying to say, but like usual didn't ask any questions. Moving forward, I said I would be more than willing to get it started. But then the whole situation continued to eat at me. And then I found myself getting red in the face only to fall into the ugly cry at my desk.

I sat there for awhile, once again weighing the pros and cons of talking to the boss about it. He's never taken actions that stopped the situation. Its probably not going to work now, but what is the use about crying and bitching about it all the time if I don't do something about it?

So I went in to his office, closing the door behind me and I layed it all out on the table. The lies, the project stealing, the manipulation and then I said something I may live to regret, I told him I dont feel like going to him will solve the problem but he's the only option I've got. He admitted that the last time I went to him, when sleazy D started crying over me being handed admin work and how he didn't understand why he didn't get any, that he never confronted sleazy D about it. I guess I was dead on when I said going to the boss never results in anything. Surprisingly he said he knows that sleazy d has been lying about his knowledge about certain planning techniques. To further prove that sleazy d was not only stealing work from me while he had plenty on his plate, we headed to the person who runs all of our modeling work. This guy said he gave sleazy d work a few weeks ago that should keep him busy for the next 6 wks to 2 months. Basically there is zero reason for sleazy D to be searching/stealing work from others.

In the end the boss said we all sit down on Friday work this through (he was going to be out of the office on Thursday). I'm planning on bringing HR in so it gets documented. I'm not going to make that mistake twice. I also was given the presentation board project back however I now only have 1/2 day to do it instead of a week and a half. I'm super anxious about this meeting. I know there is going to be a lot of back peddling taking place, I just hope I have enough evidence that the boss will finally take this seriously.

( I wrote the above last night)

I didn't want to come to work today but I did. I explained to sleazy d that the presentation boards need to be completed by noon today and he said he had them ready to go. OK. I asked if the graphics guy saw it yet because as of yesterday he didn't seem to know anything about it. Sleazy d hands me three pieces of paper with enough text to fill a novel and tells me it just needs to be blown up and it's done. HELL NO AM I BLOWING THIS CRAP UP!! I said ok, the boss didn't know that you began working on it and we couldn't find it in the project folder (where we are suppose to keep everything)so we assumed you changed your mind so it was reassigned back to me and I am almost complete with my version (for the second time although I didn't say that). Modeling work guy then grabbed us and he reassigned some of sleazy d's work to me. I wonder what sleazy D is thinking now?

Maternity Underwear

2011-09-26T16:45:00.000-05:00

Don't do it!!

Or at least make sure you don't do what I did. I decided to buy a size larger because I just know my ass is starting to grow width wise.

My first day wearing a pair was on Saturday which coincides with a day were I typically work at my restaurant. Big mistake. With ten minutes of running around at work, I could feel them slowly slipping off of me. 15 minutes pass and they are officially balled below my cheeks. Hello wardrobe malfunction! Thank god I have a good sense of humor because my co-worker called me out on it and asked what I was smuggling back there. Do they make suspenders for underwear? I spent most of my day running back in forth between the bathroom so I could pull the dang things up. Too funny.

I sent out more resumes this week. Thank you to those who have commented on my past ranting posts. I swear this situation makes me question my sanity for staying. Its nice to know that I am not the only one who thinks this is pure madness.

Things got worse this morning (yes, its possible) and I am officially convinced he is out to get me fired, although I knew that before. I just am shocked that my boss doesn't see it. Once again I was given an assignment and he showed up with his version of it. I also over heard him tell the boss that he told me to work on the mapping project (the one that he told me was done a few weeks ago, only to find out later that he hadn't started it), however he never told me to proceed with the project. I think he is setting me up. I went to our new head of HR out of frustation and was mortified when she told me she had read the file on the situation and that the file is HUGE. After hearing me ball my eyes out for an hour she made me feel better by telling me that after reading the file and hearing what I had to say she wanted to march over to his office, grab him by the shirt and ask him "what the F@#k? is your problem". She also said she didn't think I have to worry about being fired because there are very few people in the office who have respect for him and although the boss doesn't seem to notice what is going on, others in the company have. I'm glad she said that because at this point, since there has been no action taken against him, I feel like I am suffering with this by myself.

We talked about what I should do and she offered two suggestions: 1) Beat him at his own game. Next time he is assigned something, I should do his work and present it to the boss before he does. I'm not a fan of this idea because I don't like the idea of stooping to his level and I think this is just going to lead to a big fight. 2) Confront him, in front of my boss. Since we've tried this before and now my boss is being extra sympathetic to him because the "poor guy is going through a difficult divorce" , I don't think this will work either. So now I am back to the idea that I just need to find a new job. I was honest with HR and told them I have been once again actively searching (I'm not worried about her saying anything) she told me that I'm just letting him win. I agreed but what benefit is there in staying? I love all my other co-workers and will miss them but I don't receive any continuing education here, I watch my boss do some seriously illegal financial maneuvering (which I will leave at that), the people who are in charge of us do not seem to understand the benefits of good leadership and communication, and the managers don't know what a Planner truly does. Blahhhhhhh!

I applied for a job in Athens, Georgia. I haven't given up hope of getting a job in Denver but I think this would be an awesome alternative. Crossing my fingers and hoping I get a call back!

Ignore This Post, I'm Just In A Foul Mood, At The End of My Rope, Hormonal, and Possibly Getting Strep

2011-09-22T16:55:00.000-05:00

Could it be the hormones. Possibly. But regardless, I know I shouldn't ever storm out of a meeting but I did. I'm just so DONE with the bullshit. After the battle against the 15 minute survey at the festival, which I won without question when the boss got involved, I didn't know I was about to encounter another battle over another ridiculous idea and to be blindsided by a-hole of a project manager. If I could redo my day over since noon, I would...by not coming in.

I again was given the go ahead on a project by our boss. I told the project manager what I was doing to confirm that this is what we all had in mind before I finished it. "Great" he said. I go to the meeting and I start talking about how we are going to set up our booth at the festival and start showing them what I've done so far for our educational piece. In middle of my mini-presentation, he interrupts and says he is working on the same educational piece and this is what he has. Thankfully people said that his was over-kill and they didn't think we should go in that direction, but still, why would he try to work on something that he knows was assigned to me? I feel like I can't trust him AT ALL. I know that is not any new news but I just can't believe people will act like this in a professional environment. Normally this thing would not rattle me as much as it did, especially when he got shot down but then they completely got rid of the idea of giving out something for those who take the survey (I got permission to give away the 400 travel mugs, which have been sitting in the office closet for close to a decade). Instead they want to hand out temporary tattoos to the kids. Now tattoos are a great idea for another event we will be doing at the zoo (which is specifically geared towards children) however the big festival we will be attending is geared more for adults. What 40 year old wants to take a survey only to receive a temporary tattoo? The funny part is, our marketing person says they just want to hand out the little slips with the tattoo on it, not put it on the kids (which takes 30 seconds per tattoo). I think all this will do is get a few kids to run up long enough to grab the tattoo and then off they go instead of keeping them long enough to entice the parents to take the survey. On top of that, if you don't put the tattoo on people, and make it visible to others, your not going to cause interest in the booth.

That's the whole premise of people using balloons with the organizations logo on it. People see the balloons over the heads of the crowds and the kids want to find out where that kid got the balloons and so they seek out your booth.

What made me flee the room was after explaining this premise with the group, the marketer said that this "balloon/having to physically put the tattoo on people to create a buzz about the booth" doesn't make sense to her (She clearly could never get a job with the Nike marketing team who have become a great company because it's all about getting their logo EVERYWHERE) and then she flat out started to laugh at me and told me that it was ridiculous to think that the visiblity of our logo (via tattoo or balloon or whatever) at the event will not drive people to seek us out regardless so basically no matter what crap we hand out, it wont drive people to the booth. So are you telling me we shouldn't even bother with this event? (Thought it in my mind but didn't say it) She kept laughing and pointing at me and told me that she will never agree and that it is clear that I don't know a thing about marketing, silly planner.

We have a uphill battle to get people to take this damn survey. Why must we make it that much harder on ourselves by half-assing everything?

My boss actually sat with the a-hole yesterday to provide him some sympathy over his divorce. I wanted to shout out "what the hell are you doing, he's still sleeping with the intern!!" Instead I had to leave my cubicle to seek refuge in the bathroom so I didn't have to hear more of the lies from the manager. At least he is finally getting the attention he so desperately wants from the boss.

My co-worker Nicole got fired last week because she wasn't moving fast enough (she just started 60days ago and had never done this type of work before). I can't believe she got fired for this after knowing all the crap my project manager does and he still has his job. Why? I don't get it. I feel so bad for her, she was always nice and friendly. I never saw her screwing around, sleeping with interns, sabotaging projects etc. Why was she let go and not him?

Are you tired about constantly hearing about this crap? Sorry. I get so frustrated and I feel so alone here. I can't talk to any co-workers about it because this place is such a gossip mill. If I did, it will just get more out of control than it already is. I can't call my parents because I think they would freak out if I told them everything that is going on here. I don't want to call my friends to complain about it because I barely get to talk to them in the first place and I don't want to waste that time with me complaining. I would give anything to miracously get a phone call for a new job. I am so desperate I'm even thinking about changing careers.

I get so worked up about everything, I know this cannot be good for the baby. I've been trying to make sure I go for a long walk every night to help me sort out my thoughts and de-stress but it's just not working like it has in the past. The last few days I just can't stop thinking how much I am miserable here. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how I just want to tell my PM to F-off. I question whether or not I'm just over-reacting and my hormones are messing with my mind. I know I'm getting sick so maybe that is contributing to this feeling of desperation/depression. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and soley focus on the baby but I'm getting to the point that this job (not so much the job, just certain people) take all my joy for life away.

I'm exhausted. My apologies for the second rant in a row.

Venting (Ignore if you don't want to read a post that is riddled with complaints)

2011-09-20T17:56:00.001-05:00

AAAHHHHH! I hate it when people commandeer projects without having a clue why things are being done a certain way!

We have created an online survey for our project. The region has a population of over 250,000 people and we have had a total of 109 people take the survey so far. Pathetic. We have done out reach through the media and our committee members multiple times yet are numbers are dismal. We clearly need to take another approach. I have recommended a number of times that we should offer an incentive that will be free to us and could increase traffic for local businesses, i.e. offer coupons to a restaurant or shop. My restaurant I worked at was interested and I'm sure we could talk my boss at the engineering firm (who also partially owns a restaurant) would be interested. People liked the idea except the client and so the idea was dismissed. Now everyone is scrambling to find ideas to increase the participation rate for this survey. We were suppose to close out the survey this week but we can't until we have a better population sample. This problem is now going to push back our project schedule by a minimum of a month if not more.

So we had a meeting last Friday to kick around more ideas to improve the participation rates. Some people just wanted to continue with the same approach that we have been using which I believe will just piss everyone (media and committee members alike). So I came up with what I think is a much better solution. My city will be hosting our regions largest tourism event of the year in the next couple of weeks. This event brings people from all over the place, giving us access to a wide range of people (demographically and spatially). We would set up a booth where people could take a paper version that would be shorter than our online version (so it would be less than 7 mins to take instead of 15 mins), which would than enter them into a grand prize. An Ipad, kindle, something. We would also give out a choice of a magnet, sticker, recycleable grocery bag for just taking the survey. The booth would also provide us with an opportunity to educate the public through posterboards, brochures, etc. We would have a maximum of two volunteers, who would be knowledgeable enough to answer questions regarding the project and ways to get involved. Makes sense right? Everyone seemed to be on board so I began to work with our boss to finalize the plan and put it into action. Great.

Fast forward to today.

My boss and I met with our marketing department to find out what freebies we currently had available to use as giveaways and to also run the idea past them to make sure we weren't forgetting anything. They had a lot of great comments, however recommend that we see if we could set up computers to take the original survey. At first thought I like the idea, but then with the thought of dealing with IP address restrictions of the survey, potential weather issues, theft, time to set up, the length of time of the original survey along with another slew of reasons, we all agreed to scrap that idea and stay with the paper survey idea. Yes, doing it in paper form will cost us time to collect the data, but we can get more people taking a 7minute paper survey (More people can take it at the same time) than a 15 minute survey (Confined to the number of computers we have at the booth). When my boss and I left the meeting, he told me to go ahead and start shortening the survey (I took the original survey and split into three different surveys so we could have a more random sampling of questions taken). It took me three hours but I got it done and was in the process of putting it is a final format when I saw an email, sent out by one of our modelers (Not involved in the morning's conversation), go out to our IT department requesting 2 Ipads to take the full length survey on. He wants to send two people out to walk the crowd and read the survey to people.

So I walked over and went to find out why we were going back from using the paper form. He attended a meeting with the client where our boss discussed the idea. The boss didn't give out details of how the survey was going to be done so the modeler just took it upon himself (with the help of my troll of a project manager) to get the ball rolling. Although I appreciate the effort, the boss never indicated that he was assigning him this task, afterall this guy is so over his head in work that he barely has time to go to lunch, so why would he give him this task when at best he is going to half-ass it. I explained the conversation that had taken place already between the boss and I and how I had already been working on the project for most of the day and it was nearing completion. No big deal right? Instead he tries to fight me tooth and nail on the issue. Seriously, I was told this is a done deal and to proceed. He had no idea that we are doing a giveaway, no idea that we cannot get a power source at the booth, no idea that we were not allowed a tent over the booth, no idea that the boss and I have hashed out the details, or that we are not allowed to walk around the event and survey people like he wanted to do. On top of that he forgot that the way the survey is set up, reading the questions and potential answers would be a nightmare. The survey taker would have to read it themselves. Plus who wants to be approached by a surveyor? Not me. I would rather come up to a booth and explore it at my own pace.

It will be more interactive this way. That's what he said. If the two volunteers are busy running a survey with a person, who is going to be available to answer questions and encourage people to take the survey? I don't see this as "interactive" at all. And personally, I don't want to "interact" with a stranger for 15 minutes when I could be eating carnival food or riding rides.

Man am I fired up!! I hate wasting time, I'm tired of people not even giving my ideas a chance, and I'm tired of the disorganization of this department. Everyone is so use to nobody being in the leadership role that everyone just goes off and does things on their own without consulting anyone else. Their is a complete lack of team work and communication. It may be the hormones but it still doesn't change my mind about wanting to leave. Oh great now I'm going from complete anger to wanting to ball my eyes out. I hate that this place does this to me. I know not every job is perfect but there has to be something better than this.

Ooh and the other thing that got me fired up is having to endure a 5 minute conversation about how my boss's church (he's on the board or in some decision making role) is thinking about closing it's doors and moving to the suburbs because they are starting to get people from the surrounding neighborhood who have (gasp) tattoos and piercings. Oh my god!! Seriously this just chaps my ass! Isn't it more important that they are attending to be closer to god? Gotta love all that judgement.

Ahh Sweet Pregnancy

2011-09-16T17:17:00.000-05:00

So I'm enjoying the pregnancy thus far. In fact, most days I really don't feel all that different from my non-pregnant self however I've noticed a few quirks:

1: Snissing. Yes ladies that is sneezing and pissing yourself. I was in line at Panera about to order and I sneezed....and peed right through my pants. Of course this was noon so the place was packed and I'm sure people notice the wet marks on my pants. So embarassing. The funny thing is I just went to the bathroom before I got in line so where the hell did all this pee come from???? After I got my food (because dammit I was not going to leave until this prego got her ham and swiss sammy), I had to book it home and then back to work complete with a new outfit on.

2: Pregnesia. I have two examples of this and I have a feeling it won't be the last.
A: I went grocery shopping Wednesday night. On the way home I realized I wasn't hungry for a single thing I bought but I totally wanted chinese food (ummm pork fried rice) so I stopped and picked that up too. I got home and grabbed the chinese food and headed inside. The next morning I got up and was craving a glass of milk. I look in the fridge and its not there. Knowing that I've done a number of dumb things in the last few days, I started going through all my kitchen cabinets to make sure I didn't somehow put it in a place where it didn't belong. And then I realized that my cupboards where a little bare. DUHHHH. I left it all out in the car. The milk was bad. I bought a carton of ice cream that melted out onto my back seat. There is a smell of rotten chicken that has now permeated through out the car. I had to throw away about $50 worth of food. I'm so mad at myself!!
B: Also on wednesday, I went to the doctors office and then came to work. It was a perfectly sunny day but for some reason I turned on my headlights. When the headlights are on after the engine is shut off, the car makes a lound "ding" sound until you shut it off. How I did not hear this is beyond me but when I got out to my car 7 hours later to go home, my car battery was completely dead. Thankfully, some one jumped my car so I could go home.

3. Unwilling to accept advice and low tolerance of bullshit: I love my sister but she is driving my f'ing crazy. She's trying to be helpful by giving me advice but she wont accept any ideas but her own. On the way up to WI my sister called to talk about my registry. She wanted to "approve" everything that was on the registry to make sure I wasn't getting things that weren't necessary. I know it makes her happy so I let her at it. Surprisingly she liked what she saw accept I was missing Baby Einstein videos. I said I really didn't think it was completely necessary and I didn't want to give people the opportunity to buy things that I didn't absolutely need. She laughed at me and told me "its ok, you don't know this yet but you will never be able to take a shower, do dishes, laundry, etc. if you don't have this video to entertain the baby". I didn't want it to turn into an arguement so I just told her I can always buy them later if I feel that I need them. Granted, my sister is pregnant too and two pregnant women = a lot of hormones but she just kind of lost it and kept harping on me to add them. I finally just hung up on her. I never thought I would ever have an arguement over flipping baby eintein videos but I just had. Pregnancy madness.

4: Milking it for all its worth. I normally go to work dressed to the nines but in the last month I've been stuck between my normal clothes and maternity clothes. The non-maternity clothes I can still wear are pretty frumpy looking and are things that I would usually not even dare wear to work. Now I'm not saying that I look like I belong on the "People of Walmart" emails (the emails showing people wearing the most bizarre clothes) however I do look like I reverted back to the college-casual look. I trade my high-heels for sneakers, my khakis for jeans or worse drawstring cargo pants (so comfy though), and nice blouses for casual billowy shirts. I have been hit or miss on putting in contacts, choosing to rock my "hot librarian" looking glasses instead. I haven't entirely given up on makeup however my regimne is now down to strickly mascara and lip gloss. I had a co-worker mention that she was surprised that I have been dressed pretty casual lately. My response may make people a little upset but I totally pulled the pregnancy card. And you know what....I don't feel bad about it one bit! I figure I'm comfortable, I still look somewhat respectable, my feet aren't swelling up like a balloon anymore so this "look" may be staying here for a little bit longer, or atleast until I can fit into my jumbo maternity clothes. Sure I will still get all gussied up for meetings with clients, but my sprawling ass is no longer going to be squeezed into a pencil skirt (picture sausage and sausage casing) just to sit in my cubicle all day.

In other news, I knew I shouldn't have trusted the manager. He pulled another lie again to make himself look good. I haven't had any work to do so I asked him if I could help with any work, in particular, some mapping work for our big project. He said he had almost all of it done and was waiting on a few other things so he couldn't give me anything. He also indicated that he was about to run out of work himself. Today we had a meeting infront of our boss, who also heard me asking around for work from other departments. Boss man asked where we stood with the maps and the manager stated that he really hadn't started them yet and that he has been too busy to work on it. UHHH, WHAT? I just sat around for the last four days and could have totally done it. Then the boss man made a comment "well since lorelei isn't doing anything why don't we get her to help you". I'm just hoping boss man realized that I asked people in our department for work first and didn't just abandon our priorities. Then again he could totally view it as manager isn't "managing". This situation is exhausting. I will be working on more resumes this weekend. Hope luck will be on my side.

4 Month Dr. Appt.

2011-09-15T17:07:00.000-05:00

Everything went well. Unfortunately Dr O. didn't get to see me until an hour after my scheduled appointment but I forgive her, She was off delivering a baby.

Heartrate was in the 160's and the best news is I will finally get another ultrasound on October 7th. I can't wait to find out what I am having (hope its a baby :0 )!

Just Another Day

2011-09-13T13:58:00.000-05:00

I feel I haven't been blogging much but there hasn't been much to say. I'm slowly watching my belly grow and I think I felt a few kicks here and there but that's about all that is going on. I have been enjoying some extra time on the couch, much to the dismay of my dog. I somehow got sucked into watching bachelor pad which is a total train wreck of a show. I'm sure my neighbors thought I was screaming at the tv screen because of a football game but no...it's because I can't stand Vienna and Kasey along with a host of other insane individuals on that show. Man they get me fired up! Glad this season is over with it.

Work has been fairly calm. Manager actually did something nice the other day and asked upper management if I could go to a training seminar that I was dying to go to. Its a nice gesture but I have such hard time believing that he has turned the corner. I guess I've gotten burned too many times.

I've applied to 14 different jobs in the last month. My mom pointed out that I won't be covered by disability insurance or FMLA if I switch jobs, meaning I could get the job and they could fire me for taking any length of maternity leave.

What's the proper protocol when pregnant and interviewing for a new job. I always felt that honesty is the best policy but if I let them know in the first interview am I just making it easier for them to not consider me for the position. Any thoughts?

No One Ever Forgets

2011-09-08T15:56:00.002-05:00

Two ladies that I follow and respect tremendously wrote conflicting blog posts yesterday that got me thinking.

I only know of two SMC's that I follow who hit the jackpot and got pregnant and carried full-term on their first attempt. I hoped and prayed that I would be that lucky but sometimes you need more than praying and hoping. I'm not alone and I follow many others who have struggled and put their bodies through hell (some who still continue today) just to make their dream to become a mother a reality. Personally, I have had severe widget envy, I have cried and asked the heavens when it would be my turn when I saw a new pregnancy announcement, and I got mad when my 19 year old drug-using neice got knocked up by accident and wanted to get an abortion even though she knew I was trying to have a child (which she thankfully did not follow through with the abortion). In the beginning my doctor told me he wouldn't perform more than 3 IUI's and would insist on me moving to IVF if the third attempt failed. As that third IUI failed, I was left panick-stricken that I might have to give up on my dream because there was no way I could ever finance IVF in the next year.

But I'm not alone.

My three closest friends, two who I have known since 3rd grade, have struggled/still struggle to have children. Carrie got pregnant and announced to the world that she was expecting only to have to call everyone back 2 days later to tell them that she miscarried at 10wks. She went on to have a successful pregnancy only to follow that up with another miscarriage a year later. After numerous tests she found out she had blood disorder and a progesterone issue. This diagnosis finally allowed her to have her 2nd child. She is terrified to try for a third because she can't bear the thought of losing another child. Sara and her husband have been trying to have a child for over 9 years (yes, 9yrs) with no success. With the lack of funds and health insurance (she owns her own business), IF treatments are not an option for her. Meghan and her husband have been trying for over a year with only a chemical pregnancy to show for it. They have been recently diagnosed with unexplained fertility issues and have been stuggling with how to move forward (let nature take its course, IF treatments, adoption).

Although they are all married, they have walked in my shoes of heartache,longing, and fear.

Announcing my pregnancy to them was not easy (maybe not so bad when I called Carrie) and honestly made me scared that I would say something wrong and hurt their feelings with my good news. But like the SMC community, they all were supportive because they have experienced many of the same emotions that I have felt over the years. I admit, Sara was the last person I called even though I consider her my best friend. I didn't want to make her feel bad or give her the impression I was rubbing it in her face. When I told her, she cried (which got me crying) and told me she was so excited that it finally worked for me. Since that conversation, she has called me for the updates, when she is ready. I try to spare her the moments when I want to cry and complain because I can't stop being sick or that I constantly feel like I'm being kicked in my lady bits because I am so swollen. I do this because I don't want to seem ungrateful and I remember when Carrie finally got pregnant after her miscarriages and how I was excited for her and sad for myself all at the same time.

Even when you've finally gotten pregnant, you don't forget what the pain was like when you were struggling to conceive. No one ever forgets.

But isn't it worse to not want to include those who are closest to you in the most important event that has ever occured in my life?

And that doesn't just include my close friends, it includes the people that have commented on my blog. Those who supported me when I stupidly let the drugs make me think that I was pregnant when I was not; those who have helped me to see that becoming a SMC was the right thing for me when I had doubts; those SMC's who already have children and are honest about their experiences and have shown me that you will have your good days and your bad days with your children; those who have gotten pregnant only to loose their beautiful baby at 18 weeks making me realize nothing is for sure.

I haven't forgotten, I have only learned.

But just like the other stages leading up to my pregnancy, I want to talk about it. I'm single and I don't have a husband to talk to. I have you. My followers. For those at the same point or have gone on to have a child, I read what you go through and absorb the experiences you write about like a sponge. For those who are in the same place I was three months ago, I can relate to those feelings and I hope you feel encouraged by my support, like I once was by the many women who have left comments on my blog.

I hope that those who follow my blog and those whom I follow understand that I need to read your words, regardless of what stage of the process you are in. It helps me keep a even perspective on things, it keeps me surefooted and driven. I'm sure many others use the smc blogging community in the same manner. If we become enemies because of jealousy or a lack of understanding/compassion for anothers stage in the journey, we will all lose.

Regardless of where your life takes you, you will never forget

Butterflies in My Belly

2011-08-31T18:10:00.000-05:00

I am almost 99.9% sure that I felt the baby moving today. I was sitting at my desk and I felt this little fluttering sensation in my belly. It only lasted a few seconds but then it happened again a few minutes later. I don't want to get to excited only to find out its gas but I am pretty sure that's a baby moving.

I was going in for a sequential screening this week but found out that my insurance will not cover it so now I need to wait until the 15th for my next appt. Because I will only be 15 wks at that point and Dr. Ott will not allow another ultrasound until I'm 18 to 22 weeks, I'm assuming I will have to wait until October for my next ultrasound to see how baby is doing and find out what the gender is. Oooh I cannot wait! I was even toying around with the idea of paying the $90 to go to a 4D imaging facility to get a gender scan done. I know I shouldn't just blow my money on it but the anticipation is killing me!

I'm leaving on a long 10hr drive to WI on Friday and the length of the drive is making me nervous. I drove 6 hours today for a meeting and my legs swelled up like a balloon and my lady bits hurt like crazy from sitting so long (never expected that one). I know I need to stop every few hours but that's alot of stopping. It will probably take me 12 hours to get to the campsite.

In other interesting news, I notice a few weeks ago that my jerk-off manager wasn't wearing his wedding ring but didn't think all that much of it until I started to get other nosy co-workers stopping at my desk to ask me about it. Like he would ever tell me? I just pretended like I didn't notice that he wasn't wearing the ring and didn't know anything about it. But then it all came together in my mind when our remaining HR lady pulled me aside and asked what I knew about the managers divorce and if I saw him canoodling with the old intern again.

(Little background information for my new followers: The first week I started here, about three yrs ago, manager was gone on his honeymoon, but when he came back it was clear he was having an affair with our intern. After 2yrs, intern finally got fired and began working for our client.)

The "come to jesus meeting" that occured last week included a discussion about how this project isn't a party and that the client's staff and our staff should not be going out drinking together and that it should stop immediately. I wasn't completely sure what that mean't because I clearly am not in the position to be going out and drinking so that led me to believe it had to do with the manager and possibly the ex-intern but there were other people at the clients office that could be part of these shananigans. If the client was getting mad about it, he must have heard some of the gossip that was coming out of these little drinking sessions.

At the little outing we did at the beginning of the month where a few of the clients staff members indicated that the manager was talking crap about me, they pointed over to the manager who was at the time across the room, giggling and whispering into the interns ear. Also that night, I drove over to the outing with the manager and he had mentioned how much he had been going out and drinking with the intern and another one of the clients staff member (a guy). I thought it was odd that a married guy would go out that often without his wife going or getting mad but I didn't comment on it.

Although we may never know why the manager and his soon to be ex-wife's marriage dissolved. It would not surprise me at all to find out that the intern had something to do with it. The manager thought he was doing a great job hiding the affair from the bosses at work for a few years but would a wife really not notice that he had the intern over for "lunch" everyday except the days when the wife was home? Would she not see the text messages from the intern? Or find it odd that he had a lot of nights where we had to work late or come to work on the weekends but that all stopped when the intern got fired?

With the way the HR person asked me about the situation, I got the distinct feeling it was not for gossip reasons. It makes me wonder if the head of our company is finally on to him and about to do something. Only time will tell. I've gotten my hopes up before and nothing was ever done about the situation. If there is a 1.4 million dollar contract on the line, will they do something? All I got to say is the guy is slime. I hope he gets whatever he deserves.

196 Days to Go!

2011-08-21T16:34:00.000-05:00

My baby widget actually looks like a cute baby!!

I thought I would take my first shot at creating a baby registry, which then turned into a baby registry at BRU, Target and Amazon. I think I have everything I need on them. Since I have already purchased so much for the baby already and my registry was looking pretty sparse, I decided to register for a couple things I know I would need a little later on like a convertible car seat (I already have an infant carrier), little children books, and a highchair that changes into a booster seat. I'm not sure if this is bad baby registery etiquette but oh well.

Since the online registry put me in the mood for some serious shopping and everyone is so convinced I'm having a girl, I decided to hit the clearance rack at Kohl's. All I got to say is I am going to feel sooo guilty if I find out that I having a boy because I just bought 12 3-6mos baby girl summer outfits for $60. I'm keeping all the tags on and have stored it all with the receipt. Then, if I have to return it later, it won't be a big deal.

My co-worker said that she found out the sex of the baby while getting a 4-d ultrasound at 14 and half weeks. Is this really possible? I know I have probably said in previous posts that I was thinking about not finding out the sex of the baby but I have totally changed my mind. Now I can't wait to find out! I will blame that one on my raging hormones :)

First Visit to My OB

2011-08-18T17:42:00.000-05:00

I have finally been released to my OB!! I will still have to report to the RE in a week to do a follow up on my cerclage but when the OB checked me today she said it looked like everything has healed nicely.

Damn this appointment was long and chalk-full of information. TG I've done a ridiculous amount of reading on pregnancy or I would never remember half of what she talked to me about. I was a little disappointed that I didn't get another ultrasound (yes I have been severely spoiled by my RE) but they are sending me in for the sequential screening sometime next week which will include bloodwork and ultrasound so I will get my baby fix:)

I can't wait for labor day weekend to get here! I haven't been to Wisconsin to see my family since Christmas and I miss them all like crazy. They always know how to have a good time full of laughs and debauchery. It will be a weekend of camping, hiking, shopping and gambling. Hope I win some big money because I've been eyeing up a bumbleride indie stroller.

I'm sorry for all the bitchy post about my job. I am becoming the one of those people that I hate because they ruin everyones mood because they have a negative attitude. I've applied for several jobs this week and really hope I get this one position in Denver. Although it's further away from my parents, I think I have enough friends and cousins currently living there that I wont miss them as much. Plus there is so much to do there!! Crossing my fingers!

Cerclage

2011-08-12T10:48:00.000-05:00

I had my cerclage put in on wednesday. I got to the hospital at 5:45am and filled out some basic paperwork and then was sent to the pre-op area, a private room with the most comfortable reclining chair known to man. I seriously wanted to take this chair home with me!! The nurses briefly went over the game plan for the day and took me into the bathroom where I changed into a gown, compression hosiery and grippy socks. I also had to use this warm cloth with some stinging soap to wash from my belly down to my lady bits. I sat and watched TV with my HR lady/friend who kept me company while waiting to go back. About 7:45 the anesthesiologist arrived and told me he would prefer not to put me under general anest. but use a spinal instead for the safety of the baby. I'm not afraid of needles but I wasn't really excited to know that a spinal required a minimum of 6 hours in recovery.

At 8am they walked me back to the operating room. I panicked for a split second as I walked into the room but the nursing staff was awesome and kept me entertained. They had me sit on the operating table, hunching my back as the Dr. performed the spinal. It stung a little like a bee sting, then there was pressure and then everything was fine again. As they asked me to lay down, I could already feel my left leg beginning to numb. By the time my legs where put in the stirrups, I could barely feel or move anything below my belly. The procedure took about 30 minutes. The anesthesiologist kept asking if I was ok and then would go back to telling jokes and sharing this wild story about a concert he recently attended. I kept laughing and then my Dr, Dr. B. who was working at the other end of the table would have to tell me to stop laughing because he didn't want to put a stich in the wrong place.

When it was all done and over with they rolled me back onto a gurney and took me to a recovery area hidden behind some curtains. They asked me if I could feel anything and to try to move my toes. It was the oddest thing trying to tell your feet to move and seeing no movement. One of the side affects of the spinal is feeling cold. The nurse was awesome and kept bringing me heated blankets. They wrapped them all over my body and around my head. Around 9:30 they brought me into an actual recovery room. They had to keep checking to make sure I wasn't bleeding too much or had any cramping. Both the cramping and bleeding were incredibly mild. I was so nervous the night before that I only slept for a few hours so I decided my time in recovery would be devoted to catching a few z's. If I wasn't woken every 30 minutes to have a wound check, I was woken by the alarm of my heart rate dropping. The nurse would have to run in and tell me to take a deep breath. I don't know if this a side affect of the surgery or if I might be having a little sleep apne problem. The nurse didn't seem to concerned about it so maybe this is a common problem.

By 10am I could start moving my right leg at my hip socket but still couldn't feel my feet. By noon I could move both legs but couldn't move my toes and I still couldn't feel my pelvic area or my tooshy. By 1pm I was getting antsy to leave so I kind of told a little white lie and said I thought I could feel everything and that I thought I could go to the bathroom (They wont let you leave until you pee). When I stood up, I was like bambi on the frozen pond. It was pretty funny. With a little help, I made it down the hallway to the bathrom. Although I really couldn't feel myself peeing, I got enough out to make the nurse give the thumbs up to go home. By 2pm I tasted freedom and went home with the help of a couple of friends.

I slept for the rest of the afternoon and spent the evening on the couch. I was given instructions that stated bed rest for two days and no driving. I haven't had any cramping since leaving the hospital but my lady bits are a bit sore but it's nothing I can't handle.

While I was gone, my boss got a "come to Jesus moment" provided by our client. They are not happy with our performance or are knowledge of how to run this type of project. This wasn't surprising to me knowing that my manager has been lying consistantly about his skills and knowledge level. I don't think we are in danger of losing the project but if my manager and boss don't snap to it in the next couple of weeks, I can easily see it going in that direction. All I got to say is I was glad I wasn't here for that conversation. I got a watered down version of the talk from my boss. I know it's watered down because one of the staff members of our client told me what was going on and what was said. I think it's humerous that my boss is still trying to tone down the severity of the conversation. It's like he didn't hear what they were saying. Sounds rather familiar to my own situation. Sinking ship, that's all this is. Can I save it? Probably not on my own but then again at this point I don't see why it's worth it anymore. I'm going to start sending out resumes this weekend, lets hope I can get a job that isn't as messed up as this one.

Somethings Are Too Messed Up for Words

2011-08-09T13:13:00.000-05:00

Our HR lady, who has been an incredible help to me, announced her resignation today. I've known that it would eventually come to this but I was hoping that it wouldn't be this soon. She thankfully is moving on to what appears to be a much better job so I'm incredibly happy for her but I'm also fearful of what's going to happen after she's gone. In the beginning she gave me hope that the situation with my deparment would get better but after seeing how she was treated when she showed upper management the countless of pages of documentation on the harrassment and mismanagement my manager and intern participated in, I've lost that hope.

I want out. But I feel trapped.

Manager blantantly lied about his ability to do a certain type of planning technique to our boss last week. He attended a 1 hour webinar on it a few months ago....with me. At that time he had never even heard of this technique before. Now he's saying that he has used it numerous of times before. My mouth dropped open when he said it. The boss is going to have him work directly with the "father" of this technique so his lack of real knowledge of the topic is going to be really apparent when they sit down together. I'm still stunned but saying something is pointless and I'm sure it will bite him in the ass in the long run.

More messed up was he must have been trash talking about me with a client. We had a big event for this client last wednesday. After the event we went out to grab some drinks (I obviously was a spectator). The crowd kind of thinned out and I was joking around and talking to a couple of the client's office workers when one of them told me they were glad to finally talk to me and that I am completely different than what that blond haired kid made me out to be (pointing at my manager who was talking to the old intern across the room). I said thank you, unsure of what else to say. I didn't want stay on that topic, I don't think you should air office problems in front of a client so I didn't really say anything after that. The conversation got kind of awkward with silence but eventually the conversation moved to talking about kids and family. I left shortly afterwards.

Things are just never going to change so I know I need to start coming up with some sort of exit strategy. But how do I do that with a baby on the way? The economy is in the shitter and jobs are getting fairly scarce in my field. I'm scared.

5th Ultrasound and Other tidbits (10w0d)

2011-08-07T16:30:00.000-05:00

I had my 5th ultrasound on Wednesday. Cricket was dancing all around with his/her hands up in the air,feet straight out and booty wiggling. It was so cute! Heartrate was 174.

For the most part, my pregnancy symptoms have been nil, but from thursday to saturday, I had some pretty horrible bouts of nausea. I think I did a good job hiding it while I was at work but by friday afternoon it had gotten so bad that I gave up mid-day and went home. I've been 100% better today so I am hoping the last few days were just a fluke.

I broke down and started wearing maternity clothes this last week. Using a bella band works with some of my non-maternity clothes, but I'm always worried that my pants will somehow fall off. The maternity clothes are kind of big on me but they are so damn comfortable! I'm plus size and it has been incredible difficult to find cute/dressy maternity clothes. I think if I ever run into some serious cash, I'm going to start my own plus-size maternity line.

The date of my cerclage is approaching rapidly. This has been the first pregnancy related event that has made me more aware of my smc status. The pre-op nurse asked me if my significant other would be taking care of me the day of the procedure. I kept it simple and told her a friend would be helping me instead. But I was kind of lying to the nurse.

I asked a co-worker to drive me to and from the hospital. Unfortunately, I feel this ridiculous need to prove my independence so I told her, against the doctor's instructions, that I didn't need her to stay with me after she brought me home. I'm kind of scared about the whole day and I'm now regretting saying that. I know it should be ok for me to ask for help, but I can't seem to get away from needing to prove that I can do this all on my own. It's how I've always been (I don't want to be a burden), but going the SMC route, I feel like I just have more to prove. Has anyone else felt this way?

4th Ultrasound

2011-07-26T17:27:00.000-05:00

Once again, things look great. I think my baby is a prankster! The nurse said the baby was moving around like crazy but everytime she pushed the screen towards me so I could see, the baby would stop moving. It happened 3 times! The nurse would take the wand and shove it into me further to get the baby to move (kind of like jabbing at a caged animal, yet not fun for me or the animal) and there was no movement. Finally she pushed around on my belly and the baby started to move around, kicking his/her feet up. So cute. Heartbeat is 178. My sister said she is convinced once again that it is a girl so she is sending me all the girl clothes she bought when she was pregnant with her last son. Yeah free clothes!

I got the ditzy nurse again. She's super nice but I don't know if I should believe anything she says. This time she told me I'm only measuring at 8 wks although I watched her measure the baby and she measured rump to the side of the baby's head. Aren't they suppose to measure crown to rump? She also couldn't figure out how far along I am based on my LMP. Oh well, if she was a mean nurse I would be pissed but she's so friendly I try to just laugh it off.

Ultrasound 5 is scheduled for Thursday August 4th and then a week later I will get the dreaded cerclage. Blahhhh.

Ooh and I noticed my widget is not looking as creepy as it was a few weeks ago. I think I'm going to keep it around.

Taco Bell Frutistas (otherwise known as heaven in a cup)

2011-07-25T12:53:00.000-05:00

I can't stop thinking about them. For the last week, I've had horrible cravings and dream about the mango strawberry frutistas. They're fantastic! I'm getting worried that the T-bell drive thru lady is going to know my name by the end of this pregnancy :)

I have another ultrasound tomorrow. I'm grateful that I have so many opportunities to see the baby but the frequency of dr's appointments seems to be pissing some people off around here. I stay late and make up the time, so I really don't see what the problem is. A co-worker who I confide in on a regular basis told me not to quit my job because every job has problems and whatever I move to might be worse than the current situation. Is it possible to be at a job that you love, a place where people treat each other as human beings and not just a number of productivity?

3rd Ultrasound

2011-07-21T12:29:00.000-05:00

Yesterday's ultrasound looked great (7w2d). Baby is growing right on schedule. It's funny how the sound of the baby's heartbeat stops any conversation going on in the room. What an amazing, reassuring sound. The doctor and I discussed the cerclage again and it looks like it will be scheduled on August 10th. I have to say that the thought of going under general anesthesia makes me a little nervous but I know this cerclage needs to be done so I'm going to keep my chin up and go for it.

We also discussed releasing me to my OB after the procedure. I can't wait to be released. I love my RE's office and will miss them dearly however moving on to a regular OB is such a great milestone. I keep thinking that once I get to the OB, I will only have seven months to go (Only, haha).

Work hasn't really changed. I got pulled into our accountants office a few days ago to ask why I'm asking around for work when we just landed this huge project. Good question because we have plenty of work that needs to be done on it. When I told her I was told I could only bill 15 hours per week to the project and that I needed to find other billable work or bill my additional time to admin, she nearly fell out of her chair. She told me to ignore my boss's instructions and bill all time I have spent on the project, even if it's over 15 hours. It puts me in a odd position. I'm going against direct orders from my boss and I think that just makes me look bad. I wish they could act like adults around here and just talked to each other about it instead of using me as a pawn. I guess that's just the MO of the company. Interestingly, the accountant told me that there has been some serious dicussion with upper management about my childish manager and how he should not be in his position. I've heard this conversation more than once yet they haven't done a damn thing about it. Are there days where he seems like he is doing better. Yes. Has he started to act like a manager. No. How many years of will it take for them to see the big picture? I hoping I wont have to be around that long to find out the answer to that question.

34th Birthday

2011-07-19T18:09:00.000-05:00

It's my birthday. I have to admit that amoungst all of the scandal and chaos that has been going on at work I completely forgot about it. I'm grateful for the number of friends and family members who have contacted me today because their enthusiasm is exactly what I needed. Life is too short to be this stressed out and I am desperately in need for an attitude pick-me-upper. I should be focusing on enjoying this pregnancy, but instead it has taken a backseat to project mis-management and its subsequent fallout. I'm going home to sit in the shower for an hour (I don't care about conservation today) and then I'm going to bed to dream about a better tomorrow. That's my b-day wish. A better tomorrow. And a pay raise. And a back massage from someone who has a hot body and a sexy accent.

Having One of Those Days

2011-07-14T08:19:00.000-05:00

Even though I am so exhausted, I just can't sleep. I woke up several times in the middle of the night. Each time, I was in some weird position: laying width ways, my head where my feet should be, spooning my dog, no pillows, too many pillows, blanket, no blanket. It was nuts. Finally at 4am I gave up and got out of bed. I sat and watched some shows that I DVR'd for an hour or so and then finally just went to work at 6am, two hours before I was suppose to be there.

I'm sure alot of this sleeplessness is coming from, what feels like, a baby growth spurt. I woke up starving and I feel some tremendous stretching. I was also having some incredibly messed up dreams again. I dreamt that I quit my job and told my d-bag of manager to go and F -himself (I said the real thing in my dream). The dream had me so upset there really was no way I was going back to bed.

That dream relates directly to all the childish crap he's been pulling for the last 3 weeks. It's clearly nothing new, the guy is never going to change and I am 100% our boss wont do a damn thing about it. I'm sure I've blogged about it but quite a few weeks ago there was a department meeting where I was assigned several tasks while manager did not get anything (although he was busy with other projects). He got upset and started to complain that I got all the work and he didn't get anything (Pout, Pout,Pout). To try to reduce the drama, I talked to the boss and told him about the situation and turned a few of the tasks over the manager. Bad idea. Now anytime I'm assigned something he pouts until he gets his way, making the boss take the task away from me and handing it to him. It got so bad yesterday, that I had a list half page long of things to do. By mid-day I had NOTHING and was told for the next few months I will have less than 15 hours of billable work each week, while jack-ass has so much on his plate that he can't finish any of it and people keep stoping at his desk wondering where this and that is. Does that make any sense?

I am now forced to go to other departments to ask for more work. One of my colleagues has seen the managers childish behavior and told me it is definitely time to get my resume out. Unfortunately, I really need to wait until after the baby is born before I do any moving. This is such a damn mess and I need to keep my pregnancy hormones out of it but its hard when I get this stressed out about it all. I just don't know why this d-bag is still allowed to act this way.

2nd Ultrasound

2011-07-12T13:05:00.001-05:00

I saw and heard Cricket's heartbeat yesterday!

It was so amazing to see that little flicker of cricket's heart. The nurse told me I would most likely not hear the heartbeat for another week but as soon as she turned on the speakers, you could hear it loud and clear. 117bpm. It's rather ironic that the first bpm number was the same as my first beta. Unfortunately the nurse was really off schedule (over 30 minutes) and so she only let me see the screen for a few seconds, but those few seconds were amazing.

Baby is measuring at 6w2d which would be exactly correct if going by the date of my last IUI. The funny thing is, the nurse seemed more confused about my due date than I am. She also couldn't figure out how to save my ultrasound photos on to my cd, so I guess I should say that I wasn't really surprised.

I go in for my next ultrasound Wednesday the 20th. Till then, I have been addicted to shopping for a crib, dresser and stroller. It's really the last few remaining "large" purchase I need to make. I know I have plenty of time but it's just so much fun!

5w2d redo/1st Ultrasound

2011-07-06T11:23:00.001-05:00

Wow, I'm really pregnant. I think it still hasn't fully hit me yet. I felt like the nurses were talking about someone else the whole appointment. Cricket is measuring a smidge larger than it should at this point and looks really good. I saw the gestational sac, yolk sac and fetal pole this morning.

Cricket's first pic!

According to the doctor, they will go by my LMP, not the date of my last IUI, until I go on to the OB/GYN where they might potentially change the date. This might also depend on how I am measuring at the next few ultrasounds. Until then, I'm back to 5w2d and due March 5th (If my calculation is correct).

We rediscussed putting in a cerclage with the doctor today. It looks like I will go in the first week of August for surgery. It sounds like they will put me under general and then the procedure will take just a few minutes. I will have to take a few days off following the procedure but then I can resume working at both jobs.

Next ultrasound is Monday the 11th. We should be able to see a heartbeat at that appointment.

5w4d

2011-07-05T13:11:00.000-05:00

My parents where so excited when they opened their presents! I wish I had a camera handy so you could see their shocked faces. It was a lot of fun. Now I just need them to keep the news underwraps until September when I can come up to WI to tell the rest of the family.

It's been an odd weekend. All the symptoms that I had last week seemed to have faded away, which has me extremely nervous. I had a slight headache last night, my tatas are a little sore and I have been having occasional episodes of acid reflux every couple of days but that's all. I know I have my first ultrasound tomorrow and hopefully that will resolve some of these fears of losing this baby. There's a good chance that I wont see/hear a heartbeat tomorrow so it might not be as reassuring as I hope it will be. Oh well, I will know more tomorrow.

My family was making bets on how many babies there are. I am convinced there is one. My brother and sister believe there is two. My mom is staying switzerland while my Dad thinks that there is one. I wonder who is right?

Nervous Nervous Nervous

2011-07-01T15:45:00.000-05:00

I am 1 hour and 20 minutes away from sharing my news with my parents and I am so excited and terrified all at the same time. They know I've been trying to get pregnant but my Mom stopped asking me questions after the first cycle failed. It kind of hurt my feelings but I know she was probably afraid it would put unneccessary pressure on me. My sister told me this week that she gave up on me ever getting pregnant. Man is she in for a surprise. I just hope they are as excited as I am!

Finally Have a Reason for a Widget

2011-06-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

I know it sounds crazy but I have always wanted that silly widget on my blog, but of course I never had a reason to have one until now. I actually have been a little jealous of my fellow bloggers that had that damn widget on their blog. I'm looking at it now and thinking it just looks a little creepy. I'm sure it will become "cuter" looking in a couple of weeks but right now it just looks...a little sick. Yes, I understand that this is what my little one looks like right now but it's current appearance doesn't look as .. "cuddly" as I thought it would be.

Well anyways, I'm going to try out the new widget for a couple of days. Will it stay or will it go? I don't know.

18dpiui Beta #2

2011-06-29T12:32:00.000-05:00

300!! It nearly tripled!! I want to just jump up and down but I don't want the baby(ies) to drop out (haha, jk).

I went to Michaels craft store yesterday and bought two picture frames that have an area for a babies foot print and picture and wrote "Baby ___, coming soon, March 3, 2012". I also went to babies"r"us and bought two bibs saying I love my grandma/I love my grandpa. I'm going to wrap them up tonight, along with my parents mothers/fathers day present (I know they are incredibly late but I like to give their presents in person) and give the presents to my parents on friday. I can't wait to see their faces!!

My first ultrasound is scheduled on July 6th. I'm just so in shock, words cannot explain. A month ago, I was seriously questioning if I would ever get pregnant and here I am. I am just praying that this all ends with a wonderfull outcome. I guess people are right, you never stop worrying.

Isn't It Too Soon To Be This Sick? (4w3d)

2011-06-28T17:12:00.001-05:00

Granted, I have been having some symptoms for over a week but today was the first day were I seriously wanted to throw up or passout. If I do any sudden movements, I get dizzy or nauseous... or both. I'm grateful to have this problem but I am a little concerned that if this gets worse than what it is now, its going to make working much harder. I thought I wouldn't feel this way until at least week 6! Anyone else out there who has had morning sickness this early?

Latest symptoms to add to the previous list:
-the shakes
-feeling like I'm running a fever
-feeling like my head weighs 200lbs
-dizzy/faint
-nausea
-headaches
-I feel like I have a gallon of water in my mouth
-constant beltching

My fellow co-worker who went through IVF gave me some ginger tea which she got from the local chinese grocery store and it seemed to help with the nausea. On a side note, my co-worker had her first ultrasound at 6 1/2 weeks and it showed just one sac and one heartbeat. Her twelve week ultrasound on monday showed she is having twins! I am so excited for her!

Beta #2 is tomorrow!

Beta 1 (16dpiui)

2011-06-27T13:12:00.000-05:00

117!!!

That's a nice solid number. I go in for my second beta on wednesday. DBL baby DBL!!

I'm Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2011-06-26T15:21:00.000-05:00

It feels so weird typing those words in my title but it is so very true. I took a test yesterday and there was no doubt that there was a second line. Its dark!!

The funny thing about the timing of this positive hpt, last weekend I finally broke down and went clothes shopping. I haven't really bought much of anything in the last year and half and all my clothes where getting so shabby looking. I spent most of my afternoon returning clothes and it felt so good!!

I still haven't told anyone yet. I want to wait until I can tell my parents in person. Thankfully they are coming to town this weekend. I'm trying to figure out a fun way to tell them so if you have any suggestions I will gladly take them!

I go in for my beta tomorrow morning. I can't believe I'm actually going in for a beta!! I've never made it this far before.

2nd post 13dpiui - What is That? (Cliffhanger)

2011-06-24T13:45:00.000-05:00

I went home for lunch and when I went into the bathroom I noticed that I had left the hpt test I took this morning on the counter. I just took a quick glance at it and then started to look away when it dawned on me that it didn't look like it did this morning. I looked back and there was the faintest pink line. I didn't have to pick it up to see it in a certain light. It was just....there. I can't put into words all that I am thinking (and doubting) right now. Is it an evaporation line? Why didn't it show with in the few minutes I spent staring at it this morning? I know I did not stick around for the full 5 minutes the direction recommended (Probably just 3 minutes). On previous tests(same brand), I saw the evap line but it never had color to it. OMG! Is this real or am I dreaming?

I want to retest so badly, but that was my last test in the house and I didn't have time to run to the store on my lunch break to buy more. Now I'm back at work again and driving myself nuts just thinking about it. I'm so tempted to tell my boss I'm sick so I can go home and poas but I'm also afraid to waste sick time on what could potentially show up as another bfn.

13dpiui - Status Quo

2011-06-24T11:23:00.000-05:00

Another BFN this morning but I still feel the same. My sinuses burn and the pain has been radiating into my ears.

Still having some crazy-ass dreams. Last night I dreamt that Oprah was managing my restaurant and didn't know how to handle running the restaurant and she kept doing her crazy laugh while waving her bingo wings (flabby arms) while I'm yelling at her to stop and do her job. The night before that I dreamt that Rob Williams was hanging out with my co-worker and they were having a "Whose the Hairiest" contest and my co-worker won! Monday night I dreamt my drunk uncle picked me up from k-mart (I don't even shop there and my uncle doesn't drink) and we began speeding down a hill until we crashed into an elephant. I flew threw the window and died. Damn elephant. What the hell is up with these weird-ass dreams??? I don't recall ever having these kind of dreams in other cycles. Could it really still be the meds?

12dpiui

2011-06-23T08:52:00.001-05:00

BFN on this mornings HPT but I'm not willing to give up yet. Same symptoms (or phantom symptoms) as the previous days but I also notice a new one. I noticed it yesterday and thought I might be brushing to hard but my gums have been bleeding. I really don't have any cramping just a weird sensation of stretching. At this point in my cycle, I am normally cramping and spotting. I am hoping I'm not making a mountain out of ant hill.

Sprout, my cycle twin, I absolutely agree. After I blog, I go to your site and laugh because it always seems like we are the exact same page! Hang in there!

Monday's beta cannot come fast enough!

11dpiui

2011-06-22T10:06:00.000-05:00

Do you remember that whole statement about not testing early and not obsessing about symptoms? Yeah, I'm failing miserably but this time around it hasn't been so stressful, just a little exciting. I haven't spotted since saturday, which has been an huge releif. But I have noticed some changes that I hope are a good indication that I am pregnant:

Symptom#1:

Around mid-day on Monday, I was knocked down by this intense feeling of exhaustion which has continued throughout this week so far. It reminds me of how I felt when I had mono. After work, I've been going straight to bed for an hour long nap only to return back to bed by nine. Even though I'm so exhausted, I've been waking up at the sound of any little noise. I thinking the worst part is I'm also having these intensely violent dreams. They are so vivid, I feel like they are actually happening. I can't tell you how many times in the last week I've been murdered!

Symptom #2:
I have been experiening the worst burning, itchy, dry eyes since sunday. I can't even wear my contacts. I also noticed that I'm having a hard time reading small print, but this seems to come and go. It's strange that my eyesight would change, it's not a significant change but still noticeable.

Symptom #3
My sinuses have been really acting up since monday. It feels like I have the beginning of a sinus infection. I am so stuffed up when I wake up in the morning, it's hard to breathe. I also noticed a significant amount of drainage in my throat, which is just iritating.

I took the plunge and took a hpt this morning and it was negative but I just have the feeling that this just has to be it. I know you must think I'm a little coo-coo, but I never felt this way during previous cycles.

Still crossing my fingers!

Deja Vu (8dpiui)

2011-06-19T16:35:00.000-05:00

I'm getting concerned that this cycle will be a carbon copy of last cycle. I had some horrific cramping early yesterday (7dpiui). Throughout the rest of the day, I notice some pinkish colored CM. It stopped this morning, which was a relief, however this is exactly how the downward spiral began last cycle. The only difference is I began bleeding at 11dpiui in that cycle. I keep telling myself it's a sign of implantation and am trying to keep myself from thinking that this cycle is over, but I've seen that BFN so many times its hard not to just assume. I actually considered going out with a couple of friends for margarita's but that would be admitting total defeat so I talked them into a movie instead.

I know early bleeding can occur due to low progesterone so I took an HPT this morning assuming that I would see a positive sign because the HCG shot I took thursday night should still be in my system but I got a negative which makes me wonder if my body just processes the HCG quickly. I'm afraid this also might mean that my progesterone is really low.

I finally figured out who I worked with that was also going through IF treatments. After 4 failed IUI's and one successful IVF, she is finally 11 weeks pregnant. We sat and talked about her journey for over an hour. It was interesting to finally meet someone in the flesh who knew exactly what I have been going through. She gave me hope. While my RE said the IVF procedure would be over $10,000 (if I remember correctly) her RE only charged $6000 for the procedure + 2000 for the meds. She even offered to donate her left over medication which I thought was great, but I am still hoping I will not have to get to that point.

I just wish my mind could be still.

Progesterone Check (And a moment to vent)

2011-06-16T13:37:00.001-05:00

I have surprisingly had very few symptoms from the HCG shot this time around, just some tender tatas. The ultrasound revealed I have a large 6.5 cm cyst on my left ovary which is close to the threshold where they will not allow me to take the next HCG booster. I haven't heard what my progesterone level is yet which has me a little concerned but I will deal with it when it comes.

I think the odd thing is, I'm not as emotional as I was last cycle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! Of course once you read what is below, you might think that I'm being an utter bitch. Maybe so.

Manager is back to his same antics. I'm sure I posted this previously, but he I've been given more duties in the last few weeks and he has gotten pretty jealous over it. The latest drama involves him taking two weeks to do a half page handout, which is flat out ridiculous. I didn't say anything, he will have to answer for it when our budget is blown however when he showed me what the handout looked like, it took me a second to compose myself. I'm a firm believer in mixing up comments, giving a few good comments with a few bad. "The back of the handout is pretty good, just a few small gramatical errors" "I'm not sure of the front of the brochure though, the pictures are ok but I think the words do not accurately represent what we are trying to acheive, maybe we just need to reword it bit" I thought I said it rather diplomatically, maybe I'm wrong. You tell me.

Seriously, it looked like a 8 year old wrote the front page of this thing and added a collage. The pictures were of buildings only. No people. No rural areas. Just downtown buildings. Boring. It looks like a real estate brochure. The handout was full of broad sweeping statements that explained nothing. "Our project will give people equal opportunity". (Yes that was the whole sentence) Opportunity for what? Does world peace fit in here (sarcasm)? "People will understand their surroundings" This isn't an educational project, we aren't taking people on a tour of the city. We are working on a plan for the city to improve housing, transportation and the economy. I understand the need to not talk as a planner would talk, but in a way that relates to a regular joe. However, I also believe if you make broad, unclear statements, people will make up their own meanings which may not be inline with what you invisioned.

I swear he looked at me like I just told him his mom was ugly. He got that look in his face, tensed up, and got really quiet and said "fine" and stormed off. I sent him an email a couple hours later just saying that I noticed he seemed a little upset about my comments and that I hope he doesn't take it personally, I'm just trying to make sure we are sending out a quality product that accurately represents our project. Within minutes he came over ready to argue. He was so sure of himself and his view but as soon as I pointed to the fact that what he wrote had nothing to do with the project, and then provided our scope of work, he just walked away, pouting and defeated. He has not said barely a word to me since then.

It's just so damn childish! If he didn't want my opinion and wasn't willing to hear the answer, good or bad, he shouldn't have asked. I think what makes me more upset is how immature he is acting about it. Man UP!! It's not like I told him, in the beginning of this drama, that he is the worst writer in the world or he doesn't know how to do his job. The fact is he can do his job, he just doesn't do other peoples job well and shouldn't pretend that he can. He's so unwilling to learn from others, it drives me nuts. I sometimes wonder who is the girl in this situation, him or me. I know that is a mean statement, but I think he is being WAY over sensitive about this.

I secretely went to our marketing department and showed them his handout. Their reaction was about the same as mine. I just asked if they could help correct it, keeping the basic bones of the document so there wasn't that drastic of a change. I also asked them to not indicate that I had brought it to their attention, which they agreed too. I keep hearing the manager complain about the changes but funny enough, everyone else in the department loves the new version and they keep complementing him on it. The complements still don't make him happy.

Thank you for letting me vent blogoshpere! I feel better already. First beta will be on June 27th. Hoping I make it that far!

Cycle 4, IUI #2: Drive By Knock Up

2011-06-11T18:00:00.000-05:00

I swear this mornings IUI must have been the easy thing I have ever gone through. She told me to lay back and put my feet in the stirrups and less than one minute later, the deed was done. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. The only thing I felt was the sponge. By the way, I hate that damn sponge. The nurses never seem to get it in right and I always feel like I need to go back in and readjust it.

So now I'm on to my 2ww. I have a progesterone check on thursday and then my Beta test will probably be scheduled on Friday the 1st (CD 33). I will be stunned if I make it that far. My parents will be visiting that weekend, and in a perfect world, I would love for them to go to the first ultrasound but I have a feeling that I'm jumping a little to far ahead in the game. Crossing my fingers.

Good Luck Sprout on your 2ww!!

I Blogged Too Soon (Cycle 4 IUI#1)

2011-06-10T17:44:00.000-05:00

After my last post, I received a phone call from the RE's office saying that although my follicle count looked amazing, my LH levels were on the rise and it looked like we needed to intervene quickly. I raced to the RE's office and they gave me a shot of Cetrotide. I was instructed to take another dose of Gonal-f that night and the next morning. I left the office feeling like it was all going to work and I was still feel that this was going to be THE Cycle.

The next morning I noticed (TMI alert) my cervical mucous changed which really freaked me out. I called the RE's office and asked if I could get an ultrasound done prior to my scheduled IUI's to make sure I haven't ovulated. The nurse who is normally really nice, told me that it wouldn't be necessary but maybe they could do some bloodwork to check my LH instead. She was kind of short with me. I don't want to be a nuissance or be overly paranoid, but I have a lot riding on this cycle and I would hate to piss another cycle away.

After consulting with the doctor, they decided to schedule me for an ultrasound this morning, prior to my first IUI. Of course the ultrasound showed that I hadn't ovulated and this was all in my head. What the first nurse should have told me when giving me the cetrotide was that it often messes with your system and you can often see CM changes within a few hours after taking the medication. I was still apologetic because I think I looked like a lunatic. The ultrasound showed four large follicles on the right 20,20,19 and 17, while the left had a number of smaller follicles measuring between 10 and 14mm.

The IUI went on without any problems or cramping. I'm scheduled for the next one (and hopefully the last one) tomorrow morning. 2ww here I come!

I Think This is Going To Be The One

2011-06-08T11:28:00.000-05:00

I know I may look back on this post in a month and think "Damn I look like a total ass" but I do think this is going to be THE cycle. I had my first monitoring ultrasound which showed that I am having an outstanding response to medication this cycle. Normally at the five day mark I would have one or two follicles total measuring around 10 or 11mm. Not this time, folks. Think Big! Four on the right ovary measuring 17, 16, 15 and 13. On the left ovary I have two follicles measuring 11mm and 10mm. Almost immediately after the nurse inserted the evil wand she flipped the screen around to face me and said WOW. I think my jaw was on the floor the rest of the appointment.

Following the ultrasound the nurse began telling me that they most likely will still continue with medication for a day or so. She warned me that with this great response, my risk of multiples increase. She also began discussing the possiblity of putting in a circlage at my 9th week of pregnancy because of my increase risk of cervical incompetence caused by previous leeps. I'm still flaberghasted that she began talking about pregnancy related issues prior to me getting a positive HPT. The way she talked about it like it was a done deal has really convinced me this is The ONE.

I am just grinning ear to ear today and I honestly cannot focus on a damn thing. It can be a dangerous thing to be so convinced that this is going to work. I could be just on the cusped of being the happiest woman ever or on the brink of total depression depending on what that HPT says in 2 to three weeks.

New Day, New Perspective

2011-06-03T15:28:00.000-05:00

Man, yesterday I was a hot mess!! Sorry blogoshpere for releasing all of my negative energy on you!

I was just having one of those days where if anything else happened I would need to be put into a straight jacket. The FSA issue finally got worked out 15 minutes before the fedex guy was expected to arrive at the cryogenics facility. Thankfully, the facility had my package ready to go and it will still arrive on time. Again, I love International Cryogenics (and I am not being paid to say that).

My hormone levels where slightly off but the RE seems to be attributing it to the birth control pills. Don't know why, and I surprisingly don't care. I start my gonal-f dosage of 225 tonight and have my next appointment on Wednesday the 8th. Like last cycle I am vowing to not take hpt's early and I am going to try my hardest to not obsess about every twinge and cramp. I am going to attempt to not be overly emotional but I know there will be times where I will still want to hug people one second and rip their faces off the next (watch out people!!).

I planned to take a month off of work from my second job but because my cycle began two weeks early, it looks like I will have to work this weekend and possibly the next. It kind of blows but hopefully I will have a reason in a couple weeks to devote this money to my maternity leave fund!! Have a great weekend everyone!

Sorry, No Sunshine and Lollipops Here

2011-06-02T12:34:00.000-05:00

As I have said before, I am now on my 4th period in two months. I mentioned it to the nurse on the phone when I schedules my baseline ultrasound and she didn't seem very concerned about it. This all changed after they did my ultrasound this morning when I mentioned it again. The nurse said they might want to check my estroidal level before continuing on but she needed to talk to the doctor. I was still pretty calm at this point until she came back and said the doctor wanted to do a complete blood panel like the one I did when I first came to the RE's office a year ago. Why does my mind always drift to such a dark place? I instantly began thinking all sorts of horrible things like I've got cancer again, my thyroid is failing, my ovarian reserve is completely depleted, blah blah blah blah. To add to the drama they said my infectious disease lab work has expired and they need to do more bloodwork and a couple of cultures. GAHHH. The ultrasound revealed that I have two cysts, one on each ovary but none of them are so big that it would affect me from proceeding with the next cycle. I am still waiting for the results of the bloodwork which may not come back until this afternoon or tomorrow. I am so nervous that they are going to come back and say I need more medication because my insurance will no longer cover any fertility related medication. The wait is killing me!!

And then there was the FSA drama:

Since my insurance begins its new coverage year on June 1st, I knew I need to pay my deductable so I handed the receptionist my Flex-savings card (form of a health savings account). She returned back a few minutes later saying the card was declined. I couldn't believe it because I took the max this year of $2500 and work promised me it would all be on the card by June 1st. Then it hit me, I purchased a few vials of my swim team yesterday with a requested delivery date of Monday and I bet that transaction wasn't going to go through either. I called my HR lady immediately from the RE's office. She told me that the company we are contracting with for the FSA cards have not loaded the debit cards yet and they are thinking that it could still be a day or two longer.

Approximately five minutes after we called the FSA company, the cryogenics facility called and said they couldn't get the FSA card to go through. International Cryogenics is awesome!! I explained the situaion and they said as long as the issue gets resolved by 3pm they can still ship it for arrival on Monday. If I can't get it resolved with the FSA company they said they would work out an arrangement. I'm not sure what that means but it still made me feel alot better than the idea of having to completely cancel this cycle because the stupid FSA company can't do their job.

Then work get's shitty:

Everything has been going so well between my manager and I but we began to backslide the last few weeks. We started this major project that I have been actively involved in since we won the grant for it back in October. The manager has admitted that he is very jealous that I have been playing an important role in the project and that I've been getting alot of attention for it while he feels like he is just standing on the sidelines.

Last week we were at a meeting with four other key members of the project and they gave me a list of things that needed to be accomplished in the next few weeks. Most importantly, devising a branding message that we are going to use for the plan. I'm a planner, not a marketer and although I had some ideas of what could make a great branding message, I know that this is not my forte. My plan was to go directly to are marketing department and work with them on this task. As we were wrapping up the meeting I noticed the manager looked upset (seriously, he looked like he was going to cry). After the meeting I followed him into his office and asked him if he was okay. He again said he was mad that I got all the work and upper management didn't ask him to do anything. Then he stated that he had taken a class on branding which makes him the more qualified person to do the work than me (hmmm, okay). Now I've taken some anatomy classes, but I dont consider myself a doctor. I am truly trying to make things go smoothly between us and I already had a full-plate of work before I went into the meeting so I offered the branding task to him. He said he wasn't doing anything and that he would definitely get it done. I made it clear we needed to have this done by May 31st. What does the clown do? His idea of branding was to take a logo he found off the internet and change the colors!! On Tuesday morning I asked what the status of the branding message was and he said he had picked out a logo. Great!! What is the name you chose for the plan?? Manager "I didn't pick out a name". Umm, I confused so you didn't come up with a name for the product but you have a logo??? Manager "well, I designed a symbol" Truth betold, changing colors on someonelses logo is not designing buddy, that's kind of stealing in my book. The worst part about it is he blew 4 days of our budget on BS. (I'm pissed, can you tell?).

Thank god he left town for a conference for the rest of the week because I could honestly rip that guys face off right now. I just ended up doing what I should have done in the first place and marched my butt down to the marketing department. We worked together for a day and came up with a brilliant brandng message that is memorable and something that everyone could agree on. I have a feeling when he comes back and sees that I completely threw out his "design" he is going to be upset with me but seriously I don't care anymore. Just knowing how vindicative he has been in the past, it would not surprise me that he was just trying to set me up to look like a fool, but the joke is on him this time. Suck it buddy!!

You Ask and You Shall Receive (Beginning Cycle 4)

2011-05-31T11:43:00.000-05:00

I have been so anxious to start this cycle, my body decided to help me out by starting my period two weeks early. I'm a little worried about the change in my cycle (this is my fourth period in two months) but the nurses at the clinic think it will not affect my ability to conceive this month. I already have my medication for the cycle and tomorrow, when my FSA reloads for the year, I will have the money to purchase a couple more vials of my donor. I just hope they can get my swim team here in time for my IUI's. Since the doctor is upping my medication, there is a lot of uncertainty of when my IUI will be next week. I've almost always have my IUI's done between day 14 and day 16, but the increase in medication may move my IUI's up to as early as CD 11, according to the nurse. Wow, that would be next thursday!

I have my baseline ultrasound scheduled for this thursday. I hope they don't find anything that will require me to cancel this cycle. Crossing my fingers and toes

This Month Cannot Finish Fast Enough

2011-05-23T10:27:00.000-05:00

I am just so ready to start this next cycle. I have three weeks to go but I just want to start now. It doesn't help that my paranoid sister (now 21 wks preg.) told me that the real reason I haven't gotten pregnant is because I have nearly everything a baby could need. Seriously? Look, I don't prescribe to the old school "your jinxing yourself", I'm more from the school of thought of "If you build it, they will come". Her advice was to sell everything I bought and then I will get pregnant. When my sister says things like this, I just want to strangle her. I'm sure there have been other woman out there who have purchased things before they got pregnant.

The weather is beautiful right now and I would just kill for a day off to enjoy a nice walk and then an afternoon on the couch watching Project Runway reruns. It's grant application season again and I have been really putting in some overtime at the office. I worked at my office for nearly 23 hours and another 8 hours at the restaurant this weekend. I'm still one application away from being done (due on friday). Unfortunately I am feeling so uninspired right now, I just can't seem to put the words on the paper. I guess that is why I'm procrastinating and blogging.

Just Popping In

2011-05-18T10:18:00.000-05:00

Wow it's been awhile since I've touched my blog. I have been reading everyone else's and it seems like we have had a baby boom, so congratulations to all the new mothers. I hope your baby dust will rub off on me!

I dropped my car off at the mechanic and called my family to say I can't go up and visit them this Memorial weekend. I'm kind of bummed but they are already making plans to come and visit me over the fourth of July. I love my Jetta but I haven't had much luck with it. Most of this stems from living in a backwards town where very few people drive foreign cars and even fewer people know how to fix them. Ugghh. Last week my check engine light went on when we had temps in the 90's. I figured while I have it in the shop, I might as well just get new brakes too.

Going on bcp's to change my cycle seems to have messed up my cycle completely. In two months I have had my period four times. It has just made me cranky and miserable. I stopped taking the bcp's on the 1st of the month but my period didn't start again until 16th. If it doesn't return to a normal 28 day pattern, it looks like I wont be able to try in June afterall. I'm still crossing my fingers that it will all work out. I can't wait to start cycle #4, I've totally got baby fever!!

I decided to get my haircut after four months of trying to grow it out. I called my usual go-to girl but she was not available for two weeks and I just could not wait that long. So I did something I have now begun to regret. A co-worker recommended this hair salon and gave me the name of her hairdresser. Of course that woman wasn't available but they told me there were other stylists just as good available so I just went for it. My hair was just below my shoulders. I asked for a half-inch off and to clean up the layers. What did I get instead......The 90's Rachel cut. Do you remember the Rachel? From friends?

Oh yeah, it's a beauty. I want to say it looks as good as the Rachel but it is maybe more a combination of the Rachel, a womans rockin' mullet and a mushroom top. I want to die. Since I can't come to work with a bucket on my head,I have resorted to the classic headband cover up. There is no way to fix this mess unless I go completely back to my old school bob. If I only were wearing contacts that day, instead of my glasses that she made me take off, I wouldn't be in this predictament. You live and learn I guess.

I had an awesome weekend at the restaurant and made $400 in 3 days. WOOT WOOT. This will help me pay for the some of the work my mechanic is doing and I can put a little more into paying off another bill. I am so close to being debt free, I can taste it!!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2011-05-06T10:17:00.000-05:00

I feel like a bad blogger but things have been a bit crazy here between work, family and home. The sleep deprivation I'm experiencing will be great practice for when (if)I ever have a baby. Tomorrow morning will be the first time where I can actually just sit, put my feet up and relax in nearly 3 weeks. Instead of relaxing tomorrow, I may head on over to the Babypalooza event held at my local hospital. I'm kind of looking forward to it. The event provides a variety of information from getting pregnant to what should you look for in a pediatrician or day care provider.

It's kind of strange mental metemorphosis I've gone through in the last few weeks. I went from "I will never be able to get pregnat" to "OMG, this cycle is going to work". I've convinced myself so much that I actually have become a little afraid that it might work too well. As in multiples. Gulp. If I come to that hurdle, I will deal with it but in the meantime it has just given me some serious messed up dreams. The kind of dreams where I'm standing in the middle of the room hearing 5 babies screaming and there is dirty clothes and diapers strewn across the room. Frightening.

So we hired a new guy at work this week. He seems really nice and I'm sure he will fit in really well with the crew. We took him out to lunch for his first day so he could get to know us and ask questions. Of course he asked what we would recommend for him to do around here (he's single), places to hang out, events, festivals etc. My three married co-workers turn to me and say "Lorelei would have the best insight on that" haha what a joke that is. I didn't want to scare the guy on his first week living here but I wanted to be honest, much to the dismay of my co-workers. I said I once had an incredibly social and active live in Chicago, Milwaukee and Orlando but since I moved here I haven't found much to do. I go home EVERY night. I take the dog for walk nearly every night but I am limited to my neighborhood because there are no sidewalks anywhere. The few trails we have in our area require a minimum of 15 min to 1 hour drive to get to and there not that great (however, I've been on a personal crusade to change this). There are very few bars and those that exist really cater to the redneck or gangsta crowd which isn't my style but may be something that others enjoy. When I spend time with friends we either hang out at someone's house or go to a bar located in one of our many chain restaurants. So sad. For a city of our size we have very few events and festivals (yet another thing I have been trying to change). Reading back what I just wrote makes me sound like a total sour puss but what kind of cracked me up is the other three guys totally agreed. Sorry new guy, enjoy the city :( These are all the reasons are company tries to not hire outside of the city. It's hard to get people to stay if they don't already have family ties to the city. I hope I didn't scare him to badly but this all just reminded me how much I would love to get out of here. Nomad Lorelei is back.

Drive-By Posting and Thank You For The Award!

2011-04-28T17:10:00.000-05:00

I only have a quick minute to spit this out. Thank you Kristina at It's My Life for the award. I really appreciate the nomination!! I'm sorry about lacking a link. Blogger must be posessed today because I can't get anything to work. Any who, there are rules that come along with the award:

These are the rules:

1. Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog.
2. Link back to the person who gave you it.
3. Tell 10 things about yourself
4. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.
5. Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

Due to the time constraint I need to disregard these rules until my next post. I know, I'm totally acting lame today but it's just how the day is going. Please bear with me.

So I found out the real reason they removed our IF drug coverage from my insurance. IF drugs = Multiple babies which = more medical costs. It makes sense but I still feel like your punishing people who already struggle with the costs of IF treatments. I also found out someone else in our office is going to the same treatments however I do not know specifically who it is. I would love to know who; I think it would be nice to share experiences with it. Oh well.

Only a little over a month before the next cycle!! The countdown continues:)

Some People Have Balls!

2011-04-18T09:40:00.000-05:00

So after going to HR, I learned that the manager who was pushing the religious material last week went on a road trip with the new associate. He brought that book on audio tape and asked if she would mind that he listen to it on the trip. She said it was okay and so they listen to it for the 3hour drive. I think that takes balls! He felt that since he asked it was okay. He sooo does not get the fact that he is in a position of authority and it is highly unlikely that a new associate would say no to their new boss without the fear of being fired. I know I wouldn't and can't say no to my boss, and I've worked here for quite some time now.

HR said that they talked to the pushy manager and he is no longer allowed to bring any religious material to work. HR also said that upper management was talked to and they are now no longer allowed to initiate prayer at work sanctioned events. I'm crossing my fingers that no one realizes that I am the one who brought this up or I am sure there will be hell to pay.

So I've been on the BCP's since Sunday the 3rd but I have been having a lot of break through bleeding since the 14th. I was thinking about just going off the BCPs and just let my body do it's own thing. I'm terrified that by playing around with my cycle I'm just going to ruin my chances for the next cycle. Please let next cycle work!!

Ready for the Weekend

2011-04-15T09:45:00.000-05:00

I received an email from my sister yesterday asking if my dad had called me. That's all the email said so I emailed back "No, why?" and then never got a response which of course makes me totally start panicking as the minutes tick by. I called her on her work phone, home phone and cell phone and cannot reach her. Finally she calls me back and tells me my dad fell while at work which caused him to go to the hospital where they discovered he has a massive blood clot in his leg. He is now being treated to reduce the size of the clot and has to return to the hospital twice a day for injections. The doctor said he is very lucky because if they didn't find the clot and the clot broke loose from it's current location, it could kill him. Very scary stuff. My dad is now totally preoccupied with thought that he can die at any moment if this clot moves. I don't want to lose my Dad, it's too soon. I'm sure it will all workout, we will just take it day by day.

So I took your advice and went to our HR to discuss the recent situation with the new associate and her manager (see previous post). It looks like HR is going to look into it. I think I mentioned it before, but they know its a problem but it seems like everyone is too afraid to speak up and say something. I'm a little apprehensive about it, I don't want to start a holy war at work and I can totally see this going badly. I made sure I pointed out that this is really an issue about a manager, a person in power, trying to push his beliefs on his subordinate. Again, for the record, for all I know she may have been completely ok with the situation but then again she might not. All I can say is I am SOOOO ready for the weekend!!

Religion in the Work Place

2011-04-13T11:34:00.000-05:00

I am sure I will get some heat for this post but I think it is grossly inappropriate for someone in a position of authority to push religious materials onto their subordinates. It is definitely a drawback at my workplace and happens way too often.

For example, I just heard the head of our IT department ask his newest associate if she likes to read. She responds that she reads sometimes but she doesn't have the time for it (from what I have learned, she has a small child that keeps her very busy)and she just finished college and is over reading books for awhile. Now most people would just dropped the subject, but he pushes on and says "that's ok I will find you this book on audio tape, it is really important that your read this book". This guy has done the same thing to me a few months ago and the book he is trying to get her to read is a book about the importance of christianity. He knew that I am not religious (and I have a feeling the new associate is not either) but yet he insisted that I read this book. He asked me a few times if I had read it and if I wanted to talk with him about what I learned. I finally got tired of it and snuck the book back on his shelf and then told him I'm just too busy with my two jobs to read. He proceeded to do the same thing to a young intern who you could tell by the way he was acting, he was feeling pressured into it as well. The intern only stayed for a short time.

I know how I felt when I was in this new associates shoes. I asked myself, is this going to prevent me from moving up with the company? Am I going to be passed over for promotions?

My boss, very sweet guy, is extremely religious and insists that we pray before all our meals, which I find inappropriate. I respect that he is religious, I just do not want it forced upon me. But if I say no, what will be the conscequences? I know many of these religious co-workers are against gay people and alternative families. How are those strong beliefs going to come into play when they find out I went and got pregnant on my own, on purpose? I fear I will be black balled because of it.

Until a few months ago, every person who was on the board for the company could be labeled fiercly religious (We just brought on two new boardmembers who are younger and a little more open minded). Even after the HR person repeatedly told the board that their mixing of religion with the workplace was a recipe for disaster, they still have not removed the crosses, which can be found in every meeting room, and they still hold morning prayer at 7:55 (not mandatory, yet highly encouraged to attend). Our owner of the company, another great guy who I do respect, is known to go around to make sure that the usual people attend.

What is really disturbing is that last year the IT Manager started a "book club", with weekly readings during the lunch break for those who are interested in joining. A few people replied to his email request (which was okayed through HR and I don't have a problem with the email)but to get more recruits he went "door-to-door" more than once trying to convince people they should go and that it would make them a better person. Ugggh. My good friend at work felt like she couldn't say no to his face and went. She said it was basically him preaching the whole time so she decided not to go to the second week. When he noticed that she didn't go, he had the balls to ask her why she wasn't there and then told her that he could make it up by going to the next one. double uggh.

Our Christmas Party, excuse me, we have to call it a staff appreciation party for tax purposes, was great but we had to endure a 30 minute sermon from the owners wife where she mentioned that having kids and being married is great and if you don't have these things you should get them!! I wanted to walk out. She never had kids and just got married for the first time in her 60's. Who the hell says those things?

We do work with many local government, state and Federal agencies who have policies against the very things that go on here on a daily basis. I am rather surprised they haven't cut ties with the company (although I am very thankful they see past this because I would otherwise be out of a job). State and Federal clients are in our meeting rooms all the time, they see the crucifixes. I wonder if the board members make our clients pray when they are at meetings or do they just do it to us?

As you can tell, it gets to me. I don't think I'm a bad person because I chose not to go to church and I resent the fact that they try to make me feel that way. I live my life in a manner where I try to be respectful of others, why can't they do the same? I really get frustrated when many of them act like they are better than those who don't share there exact beliefs. I know there are a few other people who share my sentiments but we are fearful of the concequences in forcing the issue of removing religious materials and talk from the workplace. Where will the line be drawn?

The Plan

2011-04-08T10:10:00.000-05:00

The RE's visit was short and sweet. Essentially, he thought I was just having bad luck and that he didn't see any reason why the IUI's were not working. With that being said, I found out that as long as my cycle has begun prior to May 31st I can get my medication for the usual cost of my co-pay. We plan on increasing my dose of gonal-f from 150 to 225, which makes me a little nervous because Dr. B said it will increase my chances of conceiving twins. We plan on ordering a little more medication than usual so that if I do need another cycle I will have enough medication. So that's it. Two more cycles tops. No pressure.

I did ask him about the differences between the back to back IUI's and a single IUI and he said that chances vary by approximately 6 to 12 percent.

Today has been a good day. I found out we landed the $1.4 million job (the one I won the grant for). Yeah, job security!!! It's so nice to be congratulated by so many people, I've been a bit overwhelmed by it. I hope this will open up some new doors for me in the future. A new grant application season just opened up so the company has me slated for 4 more applications all due by the end of next month. I hope I can produce the same results as I've done in the past. Wish me luck.

Big Scary Changes

2011-04-06T16:51:00.000-05:00

Thank god our HR person at work is totally awesome and knows that I have been going to great lengths to have a child. She told me that in the next month, my company is changing their insurance coverage. No more coverage on fertility drugs. Increase deductable (only $50 so that's not to bad) and big co-pays. With Gonal-F 900 pens going for over $1000, and I require 2 pens a cycle, I would not be able to afford to do many more cycles. I have no idea what new medications he would like to try during the next cycle. I still don't know if this will add extra costs for bloodwork and ultrasounds.

I called the RE's office to move up the WTF appointment to tomorrow in hopes that he will put in a script for two cycle's worth of drugs. If I could quickly scrape up the $1700 I need for a cycle by the end of the month, I would try again immediately, but I don't think that's possible. I am kind of freaking out. Now I really feel the pressure to do this now and not wait. I hate feeling forced into things but I also know that this is what I want. I know alot of women get back to back IUI's during their cycle, but do you really lower your chances by only doing one IUI? I would really love your input. I just need to find a solution to the cost issue.

Going Forward

2011-04-04T13:40:00.001-05:00

Thank you for the comments on my last post. I know that many women take more than 3 IUI's to become pregnant, but I guess it just shattered my illusion that getting pregnant would be the easy part of having a child. Have I ever told you how much I hate statistics? I understand why doctors explain statistics to you but when you fall outside the normal range it can put a lot of presure on you. I have put a lot of pressure on myself, but that's just my MO.

I have been in the dumps the last few day but am slowly finding my way out. Both jobs have kept me incredibly busy over the last weekend, which has really helped to keep my mind off of things. I've decided to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish before I try again. I was kind of amazed at what I came up with. It also made me wonder if this was some sort of sign that I should wait until August to try again. However I know if I keep putting it off I'm going to regret it.

I'm sure I have said this on my blog before but I wanted a dog for years, like 7 or 8 years, before I finally decided to go for it. I spent all that time thinking that I was too busy and it was too much of a responsibility to handle a puppy. Then I got my ditzy blonde labrador, Cooper, and now I wonder why I waited so long. Yes it was challenging to train him not to tear the couch up, or steel socks from the hamper but never overwhelming and always rewarding.

I still have time to think about when my next IUI cycle will be. I'm just going to take my time and not let the pressure to succeed get to me.

It's Definintely Over

2011-04-02T09:48:00.001-05:00

The flood gates opened yesterday morning. It was just painful to call the RE's office for a second time in one week to tell them that I am CD 1. This failure of a cycle has really put me into a funk. I know now that I am definitely experiencing some form of depression. I just can't shake the feeling that this may not ever work out for me. The number 3 keeps jumping out at me. Doc B said if it didn't work within three tries it may never work and that I would need move on to IVF, if its an option I could financially handle. This is what he said to me a year ago, before I started my first IUI cycle.

I don't want to talk to family and friends about all this. My friend S has been trying for about a 8 yrs now (without the help of a physician) so I feel bad whining to her about this. My parents and my overly fertile sister will just say that I'm only 33 and I have plenty of time. I just feel alone in my misery.

I have all these questions that are swirling around my head. Was there an embryo? Did it just not implant? Is my progesterone just to low? What's going on?

When I spoke to the nurse yesterday, I asked her if they could mess with my cycle to make me have a CD 1 a week later than normal so I can try again in June instead of August. They said yes and gave me bcps that I can start this weekend. A part of me wants to try as soon as possible but another part of me just wants to wait until august. At least I have either option available now.

To keep my mind off of things I made a promise to myself that I would lose 10lbs and put $2k in my savings before I try another cycle. I hope this will give me something else to obsess over and make me rise above my sadness.

BFN or BFP? (13dpIUI or CD2)

2011-03-31T09:02:00.000-05:00

I'm so flippin' confused right now, I don't know which way is up. While I was at work last night, AF completely stopped. I'm just spotting again this morning so I decided to take another hpt. BFN.

When I called RE's office, the nurse thought it was way to early for me to be getting my AF. She thought I still had a good chance of being pregnant from this cycle and that this might just be my body trying to have a period. So again, I have some hope.

I think the messed up part is, I can't seem to stop crying. It started yesterday afternoon around 2 and has continued on to today. My face is swollen, red and blotchy from the constant cascade of tears. Everything is setting me off, I'm just completely overwhelmed. I wish I could take a mental health day but I have a deadline to meet and I am very behind.

I just feel like a complete failure if this turns into a BFN.

Is there still hope? (Update)

2011-03-30T08:26:00.001-05:00

After I posted yesterday, I went home and went to bed to take a nap. When I woke up, I realized the spotting had completely stopped. This morning, same status, nothing there. So I decided to take a hpt. BFN. Now 3 hours later I'm back to spotting again. This is just cruel and its really messing with my head. I'm only 12dpIUI. Is there still hope?

Update++++
No hope. The bitch flow has begun.

Cycle Three is a Failure

2011-03-29T15:13:00.000-05:00

Thank you for all the previous comments ladies but unfortunately it looks like this cycle is a dud. I started spotting this morning and the amount of cramping and my ranging headache definitely indicates the beginning of the end. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I just wonder if this is ever going to happen for me.

I think I need to start have an honest discussion with myself regarding how far I'm willing to go to finally achieve motherhood. If I choose to try again, my next cycle might not occur until August due to work committments. I think I'm going to give my RE a call and see if we can set up a WTF appointment. I think I'm also going to splurge and get a bottle of arbor mist.

The 2ww Strikes again (9dpIUI)

2011-03-27T14:32:00.000-05:00

I had a rather scary incident last night and am hoping someone can shed some light on the matter.

Right before I headed to the restaurant for work last night, I was hit with some of the worst uterine cramping I've ever experienced. The pain was so intense it left me curled up into a little ball. After a few minutes had passed with no relief, I tried to go to the bathroom to see if that would make me feel better but it definitely didn't work. I then made my way into a hot shower but that just seemed to make it worse. I finally got into my bed and cried until the pain subsided some thirty plus minutes later. Since then I've just had this off and on burning sensation in my abdomen. I am either about to get the mother of all periods, I've got some insane infection brewing, the freakin' ovidrel is just messing with me, or I'm about to get my first BFP. Damn rollercoaster ride!

8dpIUI

2011-03-26T11:00:00.000-05:00

Bloated and back into the fat pants. Excellent.

I had some uterine cramping which I am really hoping that the cramping stems from an embryo borrowing in. I've stupidly gone on to the Internet to find stories of people getting a positive hpt at this point which has gotten me thinking about testing. Thankfully there's a part of my brain that is screaming NO, Don't Do It!! I know the trigger shot is in my system until at least the 30th and my period should be here on the 29th so I am making a very public promise to myself that I WILL NOT TEST EARLY. Yeah let's see how that one goes, haha.

Funny little thing I saw driving to work yesterday. I was driving along side this kind of cute guy for awhile and kept checking him out. When we pulled up to the stop light, I decided to take one last look over before I was about to make my turn. This guy had his finger so jammed up his nose I seriously wondered if he was scrathing his brain. So much for cute. Hope he found what he was looking for.

7dpIUI

2011-03-25T09:15:00.001-05:00

After a night of hot compresses, I'm just back to being sore and achy. I can handle sore and achy.

So I noticed that there are a quite a few fellow bloggers that are in the middle of their 2ww. One of the best things about blogging is you can really relate to people who are experiencing the same thoughts and physical changes as you are. After reading their blogs, it just makes me feel so relieved that what I am experiencing, whether it be little twinges or crampiness, is completely normal. I think it really has helped me in ways that I could never explain. In other words, thank you.