Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Santa's Coming!

I am SO ready for xmas! Er, well I still have two presents to take care of but for the most part, I'm ready. Ready to spend time with family and friends. Ready to start baking desserts and xmas dinner. Ready for a glass of wine (or two).

Looking back I really thought this might be a "baby's first xmas" but that of course will not occur. It makes me sad. I only tried twice and I know I need a couple more attempts under my belt before I should give up all hope. I still struggle with my fears; do I have enough time for a child? Can afford this? How will this affect my job and my relationship with family and friends?

I can still walkaway from this.

But I won't.

I still have a closet full of baby items that I purchased during my naive days. The days were I felt invinsible. Man I feel so stupid for doing that, I just was so sure it was going to You live and learn I guess. So new goals have been put in place. Next year I will have a baby on the way and that is that. Just hoping I wont have to repeat this type of statement next year.


I still couldn't get into the gyno any earlier so I made a visit to my internist. I do have a small abdominal mass. He thinks it just a large ovarian cyst. No explanation for the quivering sensation I feel in the area. No explantion for the feeling like I've done a hundered sit-ups and my abdominal muscles are sore. It's bizzare. I had a large ovarian cyst in June, and I don't recall feeling like this.

I guess I'm just going to go with the flo and enjoy the holidays.

I hope everyone has a great christmas!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

gyno's office sucks

I can't believe the earliest appointment I can get is in February. WTH?

Keeping My Distance

The boss's party went well last night. Thankfully there was enough attendees to where an extra dinner table was needed so I chose to sat there away from the supervisor. I did make some genuine attempts to make conversation with him. I still stupidly hope I can get him to trust me enough to lessen his jealousy issues.

One of my co-worker and his wife brought their beautiful 2wk old baby boy to dinner. Another co-worker's wife just had their fourth child so the two ladies spent the most of the night discussing the birthing process and sharing parenting tips. I participated in the conversation and rather enjoyed hearing all the details.

The couple with the new baby are very aware of my efforts to become a mom. I think it was also very clear at dinner, after 2 glasses of wine, that I am not pregnant. As I was getting ready to depart from the party, the couple stopped me and apologized for dominating the conversation with baby talk. Although I appreciate their concern, I felt awful that they felt the need to apologize for showing their happiness over this new addition to the family. I really am super happy for them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah, but I don't want to be that selfish person that sucks the fun out of everything.

And now this is when you all are going to think I have lost my damn mind. In the last few weeks my mind has started to play tricks on me. My last IUI was in August. At the end of the 2ww, I got my period and have had it regularly since then, however the last two have included much more cramping but have been incredibly light. I really didn't put any thought into it but last week I started to get some unusual cramping and midmonth spotting. I've never had that before. The last two weeks I've also been feeling alot of fluttering sensations to what feels like constant gas bubbles in my lower pelvic region (I've never noticed that I have had this much activity going on in my abdomen). Although I've drastically changed my eating habits in the last four months I've only lost 8lbs and yet my pants have gotten tighter in the mid section to the point where I needed to go up a pant size. As I calculate all of this up, I started to wonder if that last IUI took after all (My head is playing games with me I swear). Half joking around about it to my mother, she reminds me that she had her period through out her pregnancy with my younger brother and that she didn't realize she was pregnant till she was four months along. What???? Please do not let me be the woman who is 5 months along and didn't know. I kind of freaked out Sunday night and took a home pregnancy test but it was negative. I actually breathed a sigh of relieve when I saw the results. I was on some pretty intense medication from the end of August to the end of October due to a lung infection which progressed into pneumonia. On top of that I've had a couple nights where I went out with friends for drinks.

With that idea out of the way, I've kind of started to panic about the development of a crazy large fibroid. With all the hormones I was given for the IUI, would that cause fibroid to grow? I plan on scheduling an appointment with my gyno in the upcoming weeks to get some of my questions answered. I really just hope my mind and body are playing tricks on me and there is nothing going on. I'd hate to have to go through surgery to get fibroids removed before I move on to the next IUI.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Good Review!

Hell Yeah!!! I'm on cloud 9 right now. I got 6 exceeds expectation and 2 meets expectation. How awesome is that! To put it into perspective, last year I only got 2 exceeds expectations and 6 meets expectation. Haha I feel like I'm back in high school showing my parents how well I did on my report card. Lets see how this all translate into some glorious $ cuz' this girl needs some baby money :)

I decided to be smart and spend the extra bonus money on new shocks. There was no point in buying some vials now when I still wont be able to use them until February.

37 days until the cruise! I am half looking forward to it and half dreading it. It will be fun to explore a couple of islands and get a tan but I'm not looking forward to siting in restaurants and bars by myself. Who knows maybe it won't be that bad but the last cruise, people in the bars seemed to mostly be in there early 20's or late 50's. Although I don't have a problem having a little fun with someone not my age, I seem to always get the attention of the creepy old guy who can't focus on face, only my boobs. Haha that just reminded me of that ridiculous line in House Bunny "Your eyes are like the nipples of your face" err...something like that.

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Shocks or sperm?

Bonus check is here folks! The majority of my money is going to pay off a remaining bill and go to the cruise fund however I still have a little left over. So should I be reasonable and get the new shocks and struts that I need for my car or should I be unpredictable and blow it on some man juice? Hmmmm....

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Dark Day

I cannot even begin to express how sad it was to hear about Paige's loss. Please make sure to visit her blog to help her get through this tough time.


It's been a dark couple of days. It's just all a sad situation. Crazy supervisor has become so desperate for attention from the bosses he's progressed from flat out lying about ideas that aren't his to dressing up and trying to crash meetings he is not even invited to. It normally would just irk me but he's getting so clearly desperate I actually feel bad for him. I think I'm starting to watch someone become unraveled. Maybe I shouldn't feel bad for this guy, afterall he made this mess for himself.

We have a xmas dinner at the boss's house next week. It's normally a good time to get together and not talk "business" while enjoying the bosses wife's amazing cooking skills. However this year I cringed when I got the e-vite. The whole idea of having to spend non-work time with the supervisor is not what I would consider a "good" time. It's not even him I care about so much, but his wife. Undoubtly he did not tell her the REAL reason the intern got fired, or how he nearly lost his job. I'm sure the blame was settled squarely on my shoulders according to him. Seriously, I cannot imagine him coming home and saying "Honey, the intern got fired today because the two of us spent too much time screwing and kissing in the office and on our lunch break. Oohhh and I might lose my job too but I will find that out on monday." shrug and sigh. end scene.

Last night was the first night in a very long time that I didn't dream of having a baby. Odd. In away, not dreaming and obsessing about it has taken some pressure off of me today yet it still made me feel a little sad, like my mind has given up on the notion.