Sunday, December 16, 2012

It's Been Too Long

I haven't posted in nearly 3 months; it's been way too long between posts.  With all the new changes coming my way, I need to start posting more frequently. 

So what's been going on:  Gavin is nearly 10 mos old now.  I had to lower the crib to it's lowest setting three weeks ago because he could pull himself up and almost over the crib railing (I nearly had a heart attack when I saw him with a leg flung over the rail).  While he has only taken a few steps on his own, he is very good at crawling.  Gavin's like a ninja,  he can crawl from point A to point B quickly and silently.  I joked with my mom that I need to put bells on his shoes so he will not be able to sneak up on me anymore. 

Gavin is such a happy go-lucky kid.  He's pretty easygoing and laughs a lot.  Teething hasn't been all that kind to him.  He got 2 teeth (bottom) when he was 7 1/2 months and he got 4 more (uppers) at 9 months.  It looks like he has two more lower teeth coming in right now, so we are back to a lot of drooled stained shirts.  For the most part, he handles it well, but I can always tell when a new tooth is about to erupt because he hums when he is in pain.

My son is built like a line backer.  He is much bigger than the 14 month old and 18 month old at his daycare.  I thought for sure he would have weighed closer to 28 to 30lbs at his 9 month appt but he only weighed 23lbs and was 28 inches tall.  Surprisingly he is only in the 41 percentile for weight and height.  He has been in size 18month for the last two months and is about to move into some 24 month clothes.  My mom said that both of my brothers were built that way but thinned out by the time they started walking so I'm not really all that concerned. 

Work has been the same crap but with a twist.  My boss is going part-time and will only be available by phone once a week.   We have hired two additional people to be over me and my jerk of a project manager, however, my part-time boss is still going to be in charge of day to day activities.....does that make any sense???   Our department runs like crap with him being here everyday, I can't even conceive of how awful it's going to be once he starts managing by phone.  Thank god the new hires are awesome and will hopefully not put up with my managers crap.  Crossing my fingers.  On the brightside, one of my fellow engineers and I used our smarts to land some awesome projects that brought our company $300k in profit in the last two months.  We are on fire!!  Considering most of our projects barely bring in $10k, this has catapulted us to rockstar status.  Take that jerk project manager!

I have been sending out a lot of resumes and was recently offered a new job closer to family and friends.  Unfortunately, they wanted to pay me less than what I was making now so it just didn't make sense for me to take the position.    So now it is back to sending out more resumes.

In the mean time, I am working to put myself in a good position to try for baby no. 2.  I got into a little financial situation 3 months ago but am now back on track money wise.  I have an appointment with my RE in February to talk about trying again.  I have a feeling he is going to want me to do another HSG and do some blood work prior to my first attempt which means I might be able to do my first cycle in April or May.  Of course if I get a new job by then, the timeline might change.  Either way, I am SO ready to give Gavin a sibling!

Monday, October 1, 2012

I'm Still Here

Things have been so hectic and every time I have a moment to blog....I just don't have much to say.  Gavin is doing really well.  He's seven months old already.  Can you believe that?  Wow time flies:)

So what has my little man been up to: Waving bye-bye, shaking his head no, clicking his tongue, blowing raspberries, crawling, giving high-fives, drinking out of a sippy cup, no more nursing to sleep, giving hugs and kisses, saying "momma" and "I love you" (but it comes out as "a wa woo").   He almost never cries and is a very easy going kid.  He's my chill guy. 

I have been applying for jobs like crazy again and am in the process of packing.  I am very determined to move closer to family and my friends. 

Thanks to my dog, we have been very active.  I walk about 4 miles a day which has helped me to lose about 20lbs in the last month and a half.   Surprisingly, I still have not dropped in sizes in my pants.  I think I lost all my weight in my boobs.  Not exactly where I wanted to lose it but I guess that's just the way it goes.  

I had a number of unexpected expenses come up in the last two months that have rendered me broke.  I hate living paycheck to paycheck but I have been doing some side work which will hopefully put me back into a situation where I can start to put money back into my savings account.   I'm really hoping to get a call back from a job I submitted a resume for which would double my salary but I'm not sure I'm going to get that lucky.  But if luck is on my side and  I get the job, I plan to take my first paycheck, cash it into dollar bills, throw it on my bed and roll around on them.  Oh a girl can dream, right? 

Monday, August 20, 2012

Moving Day

There's a moving truck outside the weird guys townhouse.  Could it be moving day???? 

I spent the weekend putting together a few toys for Gavin.  Like the Laugh and Learn Musical Table : and the Musical Dino:  Oh my, what did I get myself into!  We sat and played on the floor for almost three hours.  He just couldn't get enough.  Neither could the dog.  Cooper kept stealing the balls from the musical dino and running away with them.  Gavin's balance is starting to get well enough for him to sit up and lean forward on his hands.  It made me realize it will only be a matter of time before he is truly mobile.  He's already pulling himself up by grabbing on the crib rails but has still not been able to pull into a complete standing position.  He's growing up to fast!!  I decided to finally bite the bullet and lower his crib and take down the mobile which connects to the side of his crib. 

One of the first steps to recover from an addiction is to admit you have a problem....I am addicted to clearance shopping and couponing.  I swear I get a high off of making a killing.  It's a dangerous feeling. Last week I stopped into JCpenneys the day they put all of their summer clothes on clearance.  I figured I could get Gavin all his clothes for next summer.  A lot of the shirts were on sale for $2 and the shorts where on sale for $4 to $5, just to name a few of the great deals.  My stoller has a U-shaped handle bar which I filled with clothes and then piled more over the top of the canopy.  Let's just say I was getting a couple of dirty looks in the store.  In total I purchased 48 items (some of which were full outfits) ranging from size 18mos (which he will be in in a couple of weeks) to 3T.  Using a $10 off coupon which I paired up with a 20% of coupon, I paid $132. BAM!! The only thing I will need to buy next summer is shoes, socks, a swim suit, 2 pairs of pajamas in 2T, and 3 pairs of pajamas in 3T.  I wasn't exactly planning on spending that kind of money this week but I am hoping that it will all pay off next summer when I would probably have to spend two to three times as much to get the same amount of clothing. 

I need to keep this new addiction in check or my apartment will start looking like an episode of hoarders.  The two new toys Gavin got take up a lot of space which we don't really have.  Add that to the clothes he has already outgrown and the ones I just purchased and I am pretty sure I am going to have huge storage issue by the end of next year.  I don't want to get rid of his old clothes until I get pregnant again and find out the gender of the new baby.  I need to find a solution and quick.  Clutter stresses me out!

Monday, August 13, 2012

I'm surrounded by A-holes

Things at home have been really quiet.  Scary guy hasn't been seen since last week and I am A-ok with that.  I tested out my new pepper spray.  Did you know it can take paint off the walls?  Lol.  Don't ask....

Work has been a whole other battle.  I know I have talked about my co-workers in the past and how they tend to do a lot of illegal crap (making us pray before meetings, discrimination based on gender, etc).  Well I can add another one to the list.  We posted for a new job position in my department and have been flooded with resumes.  While some of the people who have applied do not fill the level of education or experience we need, we have had some stellar applicants that well exceed the necessary qualifications.  On Friday, my boss was on speaker phone with another one of my co-workers and was reading a very quailified applicants resume to him.  This woman's resume was amazing and as I heard what my boss was saying, I kept thinking we need to get this woman in here ASAP for interview.  When my boss finished reading outloud the resume he said "she sounds great, but she is ethnically diversed" ... as in she is African American.  It was like a needle scratching a record.  I could hear everyone stationed around me stop typing immediately.  I slowly stood up and walked over to my neighbor's cubicle at whispered to her "did I hear what I think I just heard".  By the look on her face I could tell she had.  She just shook her head in disgust.  I guess crap like this shouldn't be shocking to me anymore, but it still gets to me. 

Just a few weeks ago, my boss was trying to organize a group outing to support Chick-fila.  I told him I would pass on the offer because I try not to support company's and organizations that are pro-hate.  He told me I should go to support free speech.  Lol.....nice try.  I try not to get involved in all this political crap at work.  I think because I don't vocalize that I disagree with their view point they automatically assume that I agree with them and their ultra-conservative ways. Needless to say, I think I ruffled his feathers with my anti-hate comment.  Gosh, this got me thinking... I hope my company is not sending money to anti-gay groups... Nahhhh we just give money to politicians...

So I had an issue with a project today and needed to find out the exact verbage and proper interpretation of the law that effected the project.  I went to my boss and he had no idea there was even a law in place that would govern this project.  1st big facepalm of the day.  I go to idiot manager and he doesn't know anything about it either. 2nd facepalm of the day.  I call a friend who works in my field for another firm and he helps me with my questions.  To be nice (why do I even try?), I go back to idiot manager and tell him what I've learned so that when this issue comes up again he will A) know that yes... their is a law for this and B) he will know the proper protocol to handle this situation.  His response:  Laws are for lawyers, we don't need to know this. I give up.....

As I have said before, I am really excited to try for baby no. 2.  A wrench may have just been thrown in the wheel however.  My RE just retired and a new mega-IVF facility is taking over his practice. I haven't been able to make an appointment with their financial counselor yet, but it sounds like their charges for IUI's are almost double what I have been paying.  I'm hoping my research is wrong but it is not looking good.   

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Something is Still Strange in The Air

Where to begin.... From Sunday the 22nd of July until August 4th, I mostly stayed in doors unless I had to go to work or quickly let the dog out the back door.  Since nothing had happen, I was starting feel like I could let my guard down a bit.  I also noticed that I hadn't seen the boys outside at the park during this time period and the Dad's girlfriend had her car parked in the same stall, with it's windows rolled down for this whole time period.  It was odd and completely unlike the boys to never come out.  I was increasingly getting more and more worried that something happened to the kids.  I had not shared with anyone what I knew about the police situation because A) I didn't want anyone else to get involved B) know how gossipy people could be and was afraid someone would tell the Dad that I am the reason the cop was at their door; so I couldn't really go and start asking around if anyone had seen the kids.  

Finally, on Saturday I was walking outside to quick let the dog out when I saw the boys running towards me.  I played it cool and said hello.  The boys petted the dog for a few minutes but kept looking behind them.  I asked why they were acting so funny and they told me that they were scared that their dad would catch me talking to them. That's when the oldest said that their Dad thought I called the police on them and that if he saw me outside he was going to beat me up, break the windows on my car and slash my tires.  I told them it was a shame their Dad was blaming me for the cops being at their house and that I really thought they were both good kids and that the dog liked when they came over to play with him.  But then I asked if their Dad told them that he would do this all to me if he saw me, why where they talking to me.  The oldest started to tear up and said they were flying back to Cali later that day so they wanted to say goodbye.  Then he told me they snuck out of the house when their dad wasn't looking.  They have been forced to stay in the house for the last two weeks.  I told them how sorry I was to hear that they weren't allowed to play outside.  The youngest then said that his dad wouldn't even let his girlfriend outside.  I got the feeling like this guy is just crazy paranoid and barricaded everyone in the house.  I told the boys that in a couple of hours they will be back by their moms and everything will be ok.  They quick gave my dog and I a  hug goodbye and they ran back in the direction of their house. 

After their conversation, I just kept kicking myself for feeling like I should be doing more.  The next morning, Gavin and I were heading out to my car when I saw their Dad out on their front porch with a cigarrette. I pretended like I didn't see him.  He first flipped me off and then made a gesture with his hands like he was shooting a gun at me.  I kept it together, got Gavin in the car and took off.  My heart was beating a mile a minute.

When I got back later that afternoon, my next door neighbor approached me and asked if I was ok.  I asked her why and she said she saw what the crazy dad was doing when he saw me.  I told her I was ok and just told her that he had been harrassing me for sometime now.  She insisted we go talk to the apartment complex and unlike my last conversation with the apartment complex which resulted in nothing, they are now starting the proceedings to evict him from the premises. The leasing agent said she was going to make a call to CPS since I was to afraid to but will mentioned me when she sits down with them so I can provide them with what I know.  I'm hoping this will help to get my name out of the report. 

I just need to get through the next couple of weeks safely, and we can finally get this wack-job out of the apartment complex.   I can't wait for this all to be over with, I just hope that the boys never have to go back to this idiot. 

On the brightside of staying indoors for so long, Gavin has had more tummy time than normal.  He can roll all over the floor to get to where he wants to go.  He has also started to give me kisses. It's pretty humerous when he does it because he opens his mouth really wide and plants one on me.  Sloppy kisses but oh so adorable.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

I'm a Coward

Since the incident in CO, there has been a lot of discussion amongst my friends and neighbors about whether or not the perpetrater showed any signs that would indicate this horrific tradegy was about to take place.  From what was reported, he was slightly withdrawn and, unknown to family and friends, was buying a large quanity of ammunition off the internet.  Essentially, there wasn't any clear signs of this impending doom besides abruptly dropping out of school.  But for the sake of this post, lets just say that there were some slight signs this individual displayed indicating that he had deadly intentions (Withdrawn, unkept, signs of mild mental illness, some signs of hatred for groups of people, alot of talk of weapons).  What do you do then?  The most likely response is to report the behavior to authorities.  But let's face it, there can be consequences for the person who reports suspicious activities. This can be anything from intimidation tactics to causing physical harm.  You never know what a person is capable of.  The fear of this prevents some people from stepping up and reporting the suspicious activities.  Afterall, it's not like the movies where the police will be there watching your door to make sure your safe.  The police will most likely  tell you to get a restraining order, but that can only do so much.  If I was single and saw such behavior I would be more inclined to report the activity. However, now that I am a Mom, I've realised that I would probably not be so heroic. I would probably choose to not get involved in an effort to draw attention to myself or my son.  Cowardly? In a way, but it's also a  form of self-preservation.

Last summer two boys started playing in the park located next to my townhouse. They live with their dad and whatever girlfriend he has at the time, just for two months and then they go home to their mom in California.  Prior to having Gavin, I would spend a lot of my free time outdoors, hanging out on the back porch or taking my dog for a walk.  The boys seemed to take a liking to my dog (and my dog is gaga over them) and would regularly come over to play with him outside. We quickly developed a friendship/mentor type relationship and the boys and I would talk about anything and everything: movies, games, school, what they want to do when they grow up, etc.  They are great kids but I began to start seeing signs that maybe life at their dad's house wasn't all that great. 

The first week that I met them, the boys asked me for some water because they had been playing outside for a long time and it was hot.  I told them I didn't feel comfortable giving them anything without knowing their dad and that they should go home and get something to drink.  They told me they get locked out of the house from 2pm to 6pm and were not allowed inside.  At first, it just remind me of my mom telling us to go out and play so she could get work done around the house.  No big deal. The boys seemed sad about my answer but let it go.  The next day this happened again but this time they asked if they could use my bathroom.  I didn't feel comfortable letting them into my house, so I told the boys, I'm sure your dad will let you in the house and chose to walk over with them so I could introduce myself.  Afterall, I know I would not want my child hanging out with a stranger.  Surprisingly, the door was really locked, so I knocked on the door and there was no answer.  The boys knocked a couple more times and we waited.  No answer.  I still kept thinking maybe Dad is sleeping and couldn't hear the knocking so we went to my back porch and I got the boys each a cup of water. I was still felt uncomfortable letting them in my house so I told them about the pool house bathrooms they could use.

I started paying a little more attention to the boys activities, finding it odd that they were getting locked out of the house on a daily basis.  I began to notice the boys were locked out of the house at all hours.  Sometimes the boys would be locked out of the house until 9 and 10 at night. They are not allowed to come in the house during this time, not for water or the bathroom.  They have been told to go to the bathroom outside.  I asked them why and they told me it was because that is the time their dad has "grown-up time" with the girlfriend.  A lot of definitions of "grown-up"time crossed my mind from appropriate to not-appropriate: cleaning, sleeping, sex, drugs, etc.  No matter what "grown-up time" meant, it was starting to raise a red flag in my mind.

Rather abruptly, the kids stopped asking for water.  I joked with them, "No water request today?" " Nope, dad put two bowls of water outside for us.  I thought their choice of words was wrong and they meant their dad set out to thermoses of water but no, he really put two bowls of water out on the front porch like these kids were dogs. 

 About two weeks after I met the boys, I was out walking the dog when I the boys ran up to me to say hi.  Their Dad was working on the family car.  I would have thought he would have looked to see who the boys just ran up to but he didn't.  I walked over to introduce myself, saying hi and he didn't even flinch.  I thought he didn't hear me, so I repeated a "hello" and I didn't get a response.  The boys grabbed my hand and asked if they could hold the dogs leash and go to the park so we walked away.  I just kept thinking their dad's lack of interest was odd, but hey not everyone is a social butterfly like myself. 

By mid-summer the boys started to feel comfortable enough to tell me that they were sad that their dad would never come out and play with them.  They also started telling me how they have other half siblings and that their Dad's new girlfriend is pregnant.  They talked about how Dad and girlfriend fought about money all the time (what couple doesn't) and they were afraid the new girlfriend was going to leave them alone with their dad.  They seemed to like the latest girlfriend but you can tell the relationship between the Dad and the boys were not that great. 

Sometimes our conversations got bizarre quick.  The boys know everything there is about weapons.  What each gun is, how to load them, if the bullet stays intact or breaks apart in fragments, different types of knives, explosives, etc.  They told me they were allowed to watch a lot of violent movies, and were allowed to play a video game were they could shoot hookers.  I got to say, the word "hooker" was not in my vocab at their age (8 and 6yrs old).  Nobody in our extended family had guns other than for hunting purposes, so having this weapons discussion with such you kids also made me incredibly uncomfortable.  At that point, I knew their Dad was a disabled military vet so, even thought I disagreed with it, I just thought maybe that this type of conversation was just common to growing up in a military household. 

I was already pregnant by early august, and although I loved seeing the boys, I began not to go outside as much because the heat would get to me.  The boys first began to bang on my windows to get me to come outside.  I asked them to please knock on the front door but they said they couldn't because then their Dad would know that they were talking to me.  I had know idea their Dad did not want the boys to hang out on the back porch with me.  I told the boys how much I thought they were great kids and how I didn't mind them playing with cooper and talking to me but they needed to respect what their Dad said.  The oldest boy got mad while the youngest left crying.  I felt bad, but at that point the kids bizarre conversations and Dad's behavior when I went to introduce myself gave me the creeps. I would never want to go over any parents head, and especially not this guy's. 

Within days, the boys began coming over again.  I decided to try to reintroduce myself to their dad again.  I got my dog and headed over with the boys.  Having Cooper there seemed to loosen him up a bit.  I just mentioned that I knew the boys were told to not talk to me and I respected his decision, complemented him on his boys and told him that  a lot of the neighbor kids and I are going to miss them when they go back to their mom's at the end of the summer.  His response was completely unlike the one I received when I first tried to introduce myself.  He told me how much the boys talk about me all the time and how much they loved my dog, he just thought that the boys were bothering me.  It was a nice normal conversation.  I told him it wasn't a problem at all as long as they knock on my front door, they can come over and play with Cooper as much as they wanted.  The kids seemed really excited that they could continue to come over. 

Later on that afternoon, I heard crying outside my window.  Crouched between the shrubs and my window was the oldest boy crying.  I asked if he was okay and he told me they got whipped for telling me that they couldn't come over to see Cooper and I.  My first reaction was to give him a hug and comfort him, but I also had a fear that if I continued to talk to him, his dad would whip him again.  I thought about calling child protection service but I started to second guess whether or not that was the real reason dad hit him or if he was really getting punished for something else.  All the other things going on flooded back to me to; the bizarre conversations about weapons and being locked out of the house for long periods of time, the water on the porch.  Even if it was a strectch, they all had somewhat reasonable explanations.  Dad is in the military so he knows a lot about weapons, dad is taking a nap and locks the kids out, they don't own plastic thermoses so they put out the bowls. I didn't see the boys for the rest of the summer after that day.

The boys came back in June looking a little bit taller and grown-up. Conflicting with the last conversation I had with the eldest boy, their dad came over a few weeks prior to their arrival to tell me the boys were coming back and they were excited to see me.  This is only the second conversation I have had with this guy in two years.  I told him that now that I had the baby, I couldn't walk the dog that much so the boys were more than welcome to stop over and wear the dog out.  Again, a normal conversation.

At the beginning of this summer, the boys and I have fallen into the same routine.  Once I get home from work, I bring the dog and the baby out onto the back porch so the dog can get a potty/play break while I feed and play with the baby.  The boys will regularly join us and help me entertain the dog and the baby.  Like before, the boys are constantly asking for water and telling me they are locked out of the house.  I still don't feel comfortable letting them into my house (I have never asked their Dad permission) and have turned down their request to use my restroom, still telling them that they can use the pool bathrooms.  I feel guilty everytime they ask. 

The last few weeks the tempertatures have been hovering over the 100 degree mark.  I thought the extreme heat would make their dad keep the kids indoors but they are still getting locked out of the house.  They are no longer getting water to drink in the bowls. I wasn't really aware of all of this, because I was staying indoors, but my neighbor mentioned it to me one early morning.  Her and her fiance were getting concerned but told me they were afraid to do something about it because this guy has a long criminal history and they didn't want to get involved.  I suspected something wasn't right about this guy but I had no idea that this guy was as troubled as he is. 

Their dad also has a new girlfriend that the boys are scared of.   I was indoors and heard a woman swearing loudly.  I went to my back sliding glass window to see what all the comotion was about only to see this skeleton-thin lady grab the boys by the arm and drag them into their townhouse.  Both of the boys were screaming for her to let them go.  I just froze.  I know I should have said hey, what's going on...something.  But I didn't.

At the end of June, a week before the oldest boys birthday, the oldest boy got a BB gun.  I wasn't around that weekend because my parents were in town so I didn't witness him shooting at the trees, the houses, animals, etc.  A few neighbors did see him though and reported him to the apartment complexes office.  The following week the boys and I were again hanging out on the back porch and the boys mentioned the incident to me.  I was surprised and not surprised that the oldest was allowed to have the gun, unsupervised, providing him with an opportunity to cause a lot of property damage.  Then the boys told me that their dad thought I was the one who reported it and is the reason why the apartment complex is considering evicting them.  I was honest and said I didn't agree with him having the bb gun unsupervised but wasn't around that day and did not report it.  The boys then continued to tell me that their dad is really mad at me, he thinks I'm a lesbian and believes that all homosexuals should be killed.  I was stunned and felt threatened.  I tried to stay calm and just told the boys that I was not a lesbian and furthermore don't feel that just because your different then everyone else, you should be killed.   I changed the subject and we continued to talk about this and that.

The following day, I saw the youngest boy hacking away at the trees around my house.  I initially couldn't tell what was in his hand but when I said hello, he turned around and I could see that he had a knife.  I asked him if his dad knew that he had the knife and he said his dad gave it to him for his birthday.  He just turned 7.  I was not only scared that this kid was going to hurt himself, but any other kid on the playground that day.  I told him that he needed to put the knife away and that I didn't want to see him with it ever again.  He went back to his house and didn't come back out.

On Saturday afternoon, Gavin, Cooper and I were hanging out on the porch when the boys came over and sat with us.  The youngest played with the dog, along with one of the neighbor girls, while the oldest and I sang songs to make Gavin giggle and dance.  I told him that I bet he is a good brother to his new baby brother and he told me that they are not allowed to see him.  He then began to tell me that their dad believes the end of the world is coming and that the boys need to prepare for it.  I just thought it was just crazy talk, until the boys started saying that their dad has been asking them what they want to do on the last day they are on earth.  I was hoping there dad was just messing with them in some sick way but when the youngest boy chimed in that their dad has been training them on how to kill people, I became sick to my stomach.  The boys were so nonchalant about it all like this is such a normal conversation for them.  I told them the end of the world is not real and they don't need to prepare for it.  I explained some people believe in it because some people, the Mayans and Nostradamus have predicted various dates when it will happen but it never does.  Minutes afterwards, I told the boys I needed to go inside.  I know in my heart that I cannot just let this go but it is clear this guy is crazy. My thoughts are moving a mile a minute.  Do I try to do something for these kids and risk and Gavin and I's safety or do I stay far away from them?

On Sunday morning, I went for a walk with Gavin and the dog around 6 am.  While I'm passing my car, I notice a red piece of paper hanging off of my windshield.  It is a lewd handwritten drawing of a male body part and for a girl, I have big balls.  It was childish but I still feel threatened.  It was clearly written by an adult and since it was on red construction paper, it is easy to assume it came from a house with kids.  I knew exactly were it came from.  I debated all morning on whether I should let it go or get the authorities involved.

Still wanting to keep out of it, I decided to go to the apartment complex office when they opened at noon, to talk to the leasing agent.  The minute I mentioned the boys, she began to ask what is going on with the family this time.  I initially only told her about how their dad thinks I reported the bb gun incident and then showed her what was left on my car.  She explained that the oldest boy was shooting at her apartment window and she was the one who reported it.  She also said many of the parents in the area are afraid to let their kids outside because the boys have been highly aggressive to the other kids the last few weeks.  She asked if it was okay that we get the cops involved.  As we wait for the cops she starts telling me that this man nearly beat his ex-girlfriend to death and is out on probation for stealing the last girlfriends baby and tryied to cross state lines.  They also suspected he is cooking meth in the house.  I wish I had trusted my gut instinct and called the police and CPS last year.  When the cops arrived we told them everything that we knew, about the kids, the end of the world talk, the guns, etc.  Back up was called and they went to his house.  We could see it all unfold from the office window.   They knocked on the door and asked to come in but he wouldn't allow it.  He stood out in the front yard with the officers, acting all sweet and innocent like he did with me.  They talked to him for thirty minutes or so and then began to leave.  One officer returned to the office and told us he definitely believed their is something going on in the house but, because we didn't say the right things, he can't do anything about it.  He said that it sounds like this guy may have some form of  PTSD which makes a lot of the military vets to do crazy things.  He told me that he strongly encourages me and the leasing agent to call CPS.  I asked if we could remain anonymous but he said he can't guarantee it.  I told him I am really scared to get involved any further, I am a single mom and I don't want to put my family in harms way. He said nothing to make me feel better.  He told me to apply for a temporary restraining order and call CPS. I don't understand why us calling the cops wouldn't be enough for them to do something about this. 

As we were talking, the leasing agent noticed that the dad was running up to the office.  They quickly pushed me into a side office to hide me.  Thank god Gavin was sleeping and didn't make a peep.  The dad kept playing innocent and said he wanted to know who called the police.  He wanted their address, phone number and name so he could talk to them.  The police officer refused the request.  Then the dad started mumbling about the bb gun incident.  The leasing agent bravely told him that she was the one who reported the incident.  He got mad for a split second but must have remembered the cop was standing there and calmed down.  He continued to fish the leasing agent and cop for info but eventually gave up and left.  They kept me in the office for an hour longer.  The cop gave both of us some pointers on how to protect ourselves and apologized for not being able to do more. He said he couldn't go into details but told me I should be concerned about the situation and be aware of my surroundings at all times.  I feel like he threw me to the wolves.   The leasing agent hid me in her car and drove to the opposite side of the complex and let me out, allowing me to walk to my apartment as if I was out already going for a stroll with Gavin.  I been locked up in my house since then, fearful of what will happen if I step outside.  I still haven't called CPS and am still terrified that if I get a restraining order he will know that it wasn't the apartment complex who called the cops.    This is why people don't get involved when they see signs of a dangerous individual.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Monday, July 9, 2012

Hello Stranger

This post has been a long time in the making.  So much has happened in the last few weeks, I don't think I can get it all down but I will try my best. 

Gavin started scooting around.  When I put him to bed, I can guarantee that, by the time he wakes up, he will be in a completely different location in his crib.  He doesn't want to be held like a baby anymore, he has to be standing or sitting up.  If I don't comply, he gets pretty mad about it. At his four month appointment, He weighed 17lbs 4 oz and was 25 3/4 inches long.  He's a big boy.  Since he doesn't really like to be toted around in his car seat when we go shopping, I am almost always using my ergo or carrying him in my arms.  It's kind of a good thing because I notice my arms are getting a nice toned look to them. 

Gavin has only gotten me one time while changing his diaper but in the last week it seems like everytime I start changing him, he pees.  He still hasn't been able to get me this week but I just know my luck is going to run out.  I think I'm going to bust out my plastic cover up I got from Maiden in the Mist (Niagra Falls) the next time I change him.

Since the little man has become a little more vocal, I decided to start introducing him to different types of music.  This last week we were listening to the Beetles, Jimi Hendrix and Elvis Presley.  He seems to have taken a liking to Elvis and shakes his arms to the sound of his music.  Gotta love that Jailhouse Rock.

Work....hmmm......Same crap, different day.  But things are changing big time.  Since the owners son left, another one of my co-workers quit as well.  I happened to be in the owner's office talking about another project when he asked about our gigantic project that my boss has been mismanaging.  I was taken off the project when I returned from my maternity leave so all that has been going on (or more like not going on) has nothing to do with me, I'm merely a spectator.  I was unaware that the owner had just received the resignation letter from my  co-worker when he asked how things were going.  Since being taken off the project, I've taken the stance to just let my boss and my evil ex-manager to do what they want to do and see if they will succeed or fall on their face. I just do what I am told to do and don't give my opinions anymore.   I told the owner that I have overheard conversations (more like arguements) with the client stating that our company was not going to do some of the work that the owner's son and I said we were going to do for them.  I was also aware that we turned in the first phase of the project yet I could not figure out how they did this when the most essential aspect of that phase (computer software development project) had still not been started.  Furthermore, when we signed the contract for this project, it was made clear to us that if were going to develop this software, we were suppose to begin it's development the minute the contract was signed.  This contract was signed over a year ago and yet they have started nothing.  Sigh...
Worse yet, my boss was having our intern write the bulk of the first phase document.  She's an intern with no prior experience and a writing level of a high schooler.  She's a sweet girl but she has a lot to learn and should have never been place in position to write such an important document. Seriously they were sentences written in this document that remind me of "See spot run".  This is not the way to run a million dollar project.

It was like this was the first time that I was ever heard.  The owner told me about how the client just called and was threatening to remove our company from the project and that he couldn't believe this project was being so mismanaged.  Then he told me that the co-worker who just quit basically stated all the things I've just said.  For once, I got the feeling like they actually took what I was saying seriously.  We sat around for another hour discussing how we could get this project and my department turned around.  The owner told me he was going to bring someone else on board to share the management responsibilities with my boss and we were going to subcontract out a ton of work since we no longer have the man power to get this phase of the project done correctly.  After our meeting, it was clear that he lit a fire under my boss and ex-managers ass because they have been running around like crazy.  I am now somewhat back on the project and on, what I like to call, disaster recovery duties. 

In the last week things have been so different.  The new co-boss is amazing, a great facilitator and actually understands what my profession actually does.  I hope I don't jinx myself, but things are going really well.  Let's hope it stays on this trajectory.

I'm still trying to figure out how the new healthcare law is going to effect my insurance.  A couple of my co-workers said our "cadillac" healthcare plan will be cut dramatically since our company acts as it's own insurance company.  I hope they are wrong because that might really change my plans to try for baby #2.

I made a last minute decision to drive back home to WI this weekend.  I am going to leave after work on Thursday and drive through the night in hopes that Gavin will sleep the whole way there.  Wish me luck!

Friday, June 22, 2012

Things are Looking Up

Gav's congestion is starting to breakup, thank god.  The poor guy is one nasally mess but at least he is starting to get some of this gunk out of his body.  I was looking forward to taking him to a local amusement and water park this weekend, but I can't imagine him making that quick of a recovery so we are going to stay home and take it easy this weekend.  I was a little disappointed at first but on the other hand I'm glad because I won't have to squeeze into a swimming suit.  I have a suit I bought last year and it cost me a small fortune.  While in general I am back to my pre-baby weight, my belly is more squishy and I could really use loosing another 50 lbs.  Needless to say, the swimsuit doesn't fit me that well anymore so I was dreading to have to wear the thing.  I'm sure with me in it, it would just look like a sausage casing with me spilling over the top. is going out of business and is liquidating a lot of merchandise so I ordered an ergobaby carrier.  It sad that this is the most exciting thing happening right now but I have to say I am so psyched to get this thing and try it out. I have a moby that I used a lot when Gavin was smaller but now that he weighs 17lbs and wants to wiggle around, I just don't feel it's safe anymore.   The carrier purchase was such an impulse buy but I doubt I would be able to find one for $80 again.  Plus I've heard so many great reviews for it, I had to give it a shot.

I don't think I mentioned it in any of my post, but for the last week everytime I got home my air conditioner would not be working.  The blower would be on but nothing but hot air would be coming out.  The temp in the house would be around 85 making life miserable for my dog and cat.  I called the apartment complex maintenance guy everyday about it, he would come out, tell me I blew a fuse, reset it and head out.  Last night it happened again but this time I just went outside to monkey with it myself.  While I was out there the usual group of neighborhood kids were playing at the adjacent park.  I noticed they were watching me intently which I thought was a little odd. I got the AC working and went back inside. I have a little side window that looks out over the AC unit.  As I was passing by it to sit in my living room I notice this herd of kids heading over to the AC unit.  I decided to hide behind a curtain so I could watch what they were going to do.  I watched them pull off the panel on the AC unit and turn the AC off again.  I couldn't believe it.  I went out there and asked them to please stop playing with the unit.  They told me it was their spaceship and that they had to turn it off to keep it from blasting off.  I was kind of mad about the whole thing but I have to say their response was kind of cute.  Let's hope they didn't decide to play with their "spaceship" today because I really don't want to come home to hot house.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Sick Babies are Scary

I knew my little man was a little congested but I didn't expected it to get so bad so quickly.  Around 3 on Tuesday, I got a phone call from daycare that Gavin was getting more sick.  Daycare said he was struggling to breathe and had developed a hacking cough.  I left work to pick him up and called the doctors office on the way to see what else I could give him to help him get over this bug.  The nurse told me to bring him in immediately, and told me they have had a significant number of babies coming in with RSV.  I wasn't panicked before, but this news freaked me out.

Shortly after arriving at his doctors appointment his voice completely disappeared.  Surprisingly, he hadn't developed a fever and was still his usual happy-go-lucky self, flirting with the nurse and smiling his gummy smile.  The doctor check Gavin out and then sent us home with a nebulizer and instructions to give him a breathing treatment 3x's a day for a week.  He also told me to call him on Thursday if it didn't seem to help. 

We went home after the appointment and got Gavin situated for bed time but every time he would start drifting off to sleep he would start coughing violently and would wake up.  This continued on until 2 am, when he finally slept until 5:30.  He would periodically take little cat naps here and there for the rest of the day but his coughing almost always woke him up within minutes of falling asleep.  What really scared me was his lack of interest in food and the inability to keep his food down.  I only got him to take 3 1/2 bottles all day, and I am guessing that at least a bottles worth was spit up yesterday. By the end of Wednesday night, I could tell he was just exhausted.   More than once, I began to call the late night pediatrics clinic but decided to see if I waited a little bit longer, he would get  better.

Last night was the second night of very little sleep for the little guy.  He would cry and no sounds would come out, just the sound of labor breathing.  At one point his congestion sounded so bad it sounded like he was drowning. In the early morning hours, my only option was to take him to the Children's Hospital or wait until morning to see our regular doctor.  I know some people reading this are probably wondering why I didn't just take him to the hospital, but I seem to have this fear that I am just an overreacting FTM. After all the doctor would have never sent us home with a nebulizer in the first place if he was just sick with something more worse than a common cold.  I chose to sit by his side all night until I could call the doctors office at 8am to make another appointment.

Once again they told me to bring him in immediately.  Thoughts kept running through my head that I shouldn't have waited until the morning to get medical treatment for him. I felt so guilty every time I hear him cough. 

The doctor told me he didn't think there had been much that had changed in the last two days and that Gavin probably had bronchiolitis (sp?). He then upped the number of breathing treatments I should give him a day (every 3-4 hours).  I think the doctor sensed that I was kind of terrified and told me that no matter if I came in yesterday or today, there wouldn't be much more that I could have done to make him better because this was most likely caused by a virus.  He also told me this virus normally peaks on day three (which this is day 3) and that I should see improvements in the next day or two.  I hope he is right so Gavin (and I) can get a good night of sleep.

Gavin's file must state somewhere that he was conceived through IF treatments and donor sperm because every time I walk into the office someone (nurses and doctors) bring it up.  The doctor just had some general questions for me about the process ( I should state that this doctor isn't my normal ped).  In the conversation I mentioned that I was thinking about going for number 2 next summer and he told me that I had an increased risk of having twins since my first pregnancy was a singleton.  The comment makes me want to talk to my RE sooner about T42. I guess it somewhat makes sense.  You have a 15% chance of getting pregnant naturally each month which equates to 85% of women getting pregnant by the end of one year of trying.  If I remember correctly, my RE told me that 30% of pregnancies using injectables at age 33(although I will be 36 when I start trying again) will result in a twin pregnancy.  Is it logical to think since one out of three pregnancies would result in a twin pregnancy, and that this would be my second pregnancy thus I would be more likely to have multiples? Does that make sense?  If so I might want to hold off another year when Gavin is closer to three before I start trying again.  Ahh its too much to think about right now but the comment is bothering me.  I know I should just call the RE and talk to him about it to see if this is true.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Great Deals!

I am not a wealthy person, but I am a smart  self-professed super shopper.  Today I visited my local Target to do a price adjustment on some baby food, which I essentially got for a little less than half price due to some awesome coupons (Gerber Organic Pouches) and stumbled upon a great deal that I thought some of my fellow bloggers may benefit from.  They had the large boxes of Huggies Pure and Natural that normally sell for $25-$30 on clearance for $9.74.  That in itself was a great deal but what even made it better was the "$2.50 off 1  pack" coupons I had printed out a couple of weeks ago (I can't find them online anymore). I bought 6 boxes and Gavin should be good on diapers for the next year (I already have a stash of diapers at home) unless he jumps into size 6.   I can't guarantee your local target will have this deal but it is worth a drive over to find out. 

This weekend with the family went really well.  Gavin was surprisingly mellow all day saturday while we hungout in Nashville.  He loved the sound of the music floating out of all the bars on Broadway.  He kept bouncing his little pudgy legs to the music. I thought he would be miserable because of the 95 degree weather but it didn't seem to phase him at all. 

So I finally gave my chicco stroller a workout.  The Chicco Liteway is great quick on the go stroller but I don't think I would ever use it for an all day outing again.  It just doesn't have the storage capacity as my Bumbleride.  I also have to slightly bend over to push the stroller and I am not that tall of girl (5'6").  I also struggled to open and close it and can't imagine trying to get the thing open while holding Gavin.   I'm still glad I have the chicco as a backup stroller but I don't think I would recommend it for a primary stroller.

Since coming back from our weekend trip, Gavin has been really congested and has been coughing a lot.  I don't know if it's allergies or something else.  He's definitely teething right now which is probably making things worse.  He hasn't been fussy, but he has been sleeping some crazy hours.  On Sunday, after my parents left, he slept from 1pm to 6pm, 7pm to 5:30am and 6:30am to 8 am only to proceed to take three more hour long naps the rest of monday and still fell asleep by 6pm on monday night and then slept through the night until 6am.  I love that I'm getting the extra rest but I'm getting a little worried that he is sleeping too much. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

I'm So Ready For This Weekend

Is it Friday yet?  My parents are coming into town this weekend and I can't wait to see them.  I also can't wait to see their reaction when they see Gavin.  The last time my parents saw him, he was only 5 weeks old.  So much has changed since then. At 5 weeks he was just starting to coo and smile.  He could barely lift his head then.  Now he smiles all the time, babbles on and on, insists on standing up (with assistance), and will grabbed at anything within reaching distance. 

We are planning a day trip to Nashville on Saturday and I'm just hoping Gavin will stay in good spirits on our trip.  For the most part he's a happy-go-lucky guy but it is going to be seering hot out this weekend and little man doesn't fair well in the heat.  

I've been solely using my bumbleride stroller (which I love) for the last three months but might break out my Chicco Liteway this weekend.  I don't know why I haven't done it sooner, it's more compact than the bumbleride, but I just can't imagine it being as easy to navigate with as the bumbleride.  Seriously, I can move the bumbleride around with one hand and little effort.  It's awesome.  I guess I will find out how the Chicco handles in the next few days because, knowing my parents, we will be on the go from the minute they arrive in town.

There has been a couple new BFP's out there in the blogoshpere.  It's so exciting to hear them but it is not helping my baby fever out at all.  I....Must.....Restrain...My....Urge ...To...Have...Another....Baby.  I swear I have baby on the brain 24-7.  I think this is worse than when I was trying to have Gavin.  Probably because I don't have as much fear as I did before I got pregnant with him.   Seriously, how the heck am I going to hold out on trying again for another year or two???  It's crazy but I feel like a baby-addict.  Everytime I see one I just melt into a gooey mess.  Ahhh, I seriously just need to get a grip. 

Wednesday, June 6, 2012

Moving at the Speed of Light

Work and life has been so fast paced, I'm still amazed I'm keeping up.  I can't remember the last time where I could just sit still and enjoy everything.  Normally, this pace would make me cranky and exhausted but instead I don't think I've ever been happier.  In the past I couldn't function with less than 9 hours asleep a night but now I feel like a rockstar on just 6 hours. 

We are coming up on the anniversary of the successful back to back IUI's that allowed me to have Gavin.  As the date approaches, I've become more and more nostalgic.  I know this sounds weird, but I am so ready to start trying for number two.  I know it is WAY too early so I'm restraining myself.  Gavin might be easy to handle now but I am a little fearful of how he's going to be once he's mobile.  I'm just not sure that I could handle two under two. And then there is the cost of daycare.  My in-home daycare is super cheap ($95 a week which is the average here in my area) which would easily allow me to afford two children in daycare at one time.  However, I still keep hoping I can move closer to my family but that would be much more difficult with two babies. The average cost of daycare there tends to run around $200 a week, which at my current salary, would make it really difficult to afford.

I keep mulling over when would be a good time to start trying for number two.  I really want Gavin to be a little more independent by the time the next baby comes along.  Maybe when he's closer to three.  But I'm really scared that it will take multiple IUI attempts since I will be 37 at that time.  When considering the age factor, it makes me want to start trying sooner than later. I've already budgeted for two attempts for next year but things are going to cost me so much more this time around because my insurance wont cover injectables anymore.  I don't know if I should risk the last six vials of our donor by going on clomid or sucking it up and forking out the $2000+ for injectables since we have now established a protocol that works for me.  I know I have plenty of time to think about all of this, but I'm a planner and hate operating without some sort of plan.

In other news, My co-worker W was let go on Friday.  From what I heard, she was still in her probation period at work and her work performance was pretty bad.  I hate to see anyone lose their job, but as you have read any many of my other posts, its next to impossible to get fired here so whatever she was doing must have been horrible.   

Every year our company takes it's employees and their families to an amusement park.  It's coming up in two weeks but I'm not sure if it's appropriate to take Gavin or not.  There's a water park within the amusement park and I could hangout there all day but other than that we will be limited to just walking around.  Has anyone else taken their 4 month old to an amusement park and had a good experience?


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Unstable Ground

I came in to work yesterday to find out one of my brightest co-workers gave his notice.  What's really shocking about the situation is that it's the owner's son.  Most people would instantly assume that as the owners son, this job is a free ride for the guy. In reality the owner's son is probably the most hardworking guy I've ever known.  His departure came out of nowhere and will result in a major upheavel of my department.  He ran a portion of my planning department (although he was not in charge of my section of our department) and is solely responsible for winning many of our contracts.  When he leaves many of those contracts will not be renewed and will most likely cause a couple of my co-workers to be let go.  The uncertain future of that portion of our department has left people panicking. 

I'm not going to pretend I know why he's leaving but there has been a lot of speculating going on in the office.  Just about everyone thinks it has to do with the disorganization and mismanagement of our department.  I'm not so sure that that is the case.  However, if this provokes some serious changes around here, I'm all for it. 

And now for some pictures of my cutie....

Gavin is doing really well.  He turned 3 months old on Monday.  He's so strong!!  While he's got his tiny hands rapped around my fingers, he can stand for long periods time.  He had his first experience with the baby pool and loved it so much I bought him one for our backyard.  I weighed him at home with me and it looks like he weighs 15lbs 4 oz.  I measured him out to be about 24 1/2 inches but I'm wondering if its wrong because that meant he grew a little less than 4 inches this last month.  Is that even possible? 

He cracks me up.  Last night he was almost fast asleep in my arms and went to suck on his fingers but shoved them to far in his mouth and gagged.  I thought he was going to cry but instead he started laughing hysterically only to fall asleep just seconds later. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Life is Moving Too Fast

I wish I had the ability to stop time.  Since going back to work I feel like I can't just enjoy the moment because there is just so much that needs to get done yet I want to steal every moment I can with Gavin. The few hours I have with him a day is not enough; I feel like I'm missing out on all of his milestones.   I'm having a hard time creating a balance between the baby, myself, family, friends and work.  I feel like no matter what I do something always is left undone. I couldn't careless about getting the dishes done every night, laundry or other little things.  Its my commitments to family, friends, and my job that gets to me.  My friends and family are well aware that if they call and I don't pick up or call them back right away, its probably due to me focusing my attentions on Gavin.  They are ok with it but I feel like I'm neglecting them.  Work is a whole other beast.  The new promotion has increased my work load.  I can handle the increase of work but I'm such a perfectionist that I feel like I'm not completing my work up to my usual standards because I'm not spending that extra time on my projects like I use too. As for taking care of myself, I'm lucky if I have enough time to put makeup on in the morning.  The last few nights I've been so tired that I just fell asleep in my work clothes.  I know I need to stop neglecting myself so I can take better care of Gavin but I just haven't quite figured out how to do it yet.

My newest project was given to me in shambles.  My old manager started it while I was out on maternity leave and then he passed it back to me when I got back.  He made promises to the town council president that he would create a website for the project along with a couple of other promises yet never told me about the promises and he never completed the tasks himself.  The last few days I've been scrambling to make things right again but I just feel like every time I correct the mistakes something else comes up.  I'm just hoping I caught all these mistakes because I can't just come in on the weekends to work and get caught up like I use too.  Our client service manager knows that the old manager should have taken care of these items back in early April and has been so pissed about the situation that he told me today that he would like me to join him in a discussion with the owner to get the old manager fired.  I hope I'm not going to regret this but I told the client service manager that he would have to do it on his own if he hoped to get anything done about it.  They haven't listened to me in the past and I don't think it will be any better now.  I also think the old manager and I are finally in a place  were we can talk again and be respectful  to one another.  I don't know if I'm ready to rock the boat only to throw me overboard in the end.  Thankfully, the client service manager is very well respected in our office so I can't imagine the owner is going to blow off their discussion.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Open Conversation

I appreciate the comments left on my previous post.  Some of them were eye-opening and gave me some things to think about. 

Surlymama, I by far don't feel that a woman needs to be wealthy to have a child but I think one should be financially stable and be able to provide the basics a child needs once he or she is born (shelter, food, clothing).  I stick by my's irresponsible and rather selfish and blindly impulsive to go and spend hundreds to thousands of dollars (on credit cards if she goes through it in this case) to get pregnant when that person hasn't thought far enough in advance to know how they are going to support their future child(ren) .  I feel this way about married people too. I find it disturbing that so many people in our country don't prepare for such a big decision.  As I said in my last post, a person can't always control the crap that comes their way (car breaks down, laid off from work) but as a single parent those effects are much more devastating than it is for a two parent household. Future planned-to-be single parents need to make an effort to prepare for those events. If a woman goes into becoming a smc in severe debt, it's not going to get any easier to overcome that debt once you have another mouth to feed.

W, my co-worker, and I have had  a couple of conversations since I wrote my previous post.  I invited her over to dinner Wednesday night and she got an opportunity to meet my son.  I think it helped reaffirm that she wants to become a smc but inadvertently, I think it helped her to get a reality check of what it all entails. I gave her all the SMC related books I read prior to actively trying to have Gavin.  I know a lot of them helped me answer questions I had.  We also had a little fun looking at some of the different cryogenic facilities websites.  Man that brought back some memories of late nights searching through the different profiles.  I have to say that by the end of the night I had a little more confidence that she was really thinking about everything and not just trying to leap in.  I am still encouraging her to go see my RE so she can get more information specific to her fertility.  I have a feeling that Dr. B will have a similar conversation with her that he had with me.  He asked why I wanted to get pregnant on my own and after doing blood work, covered what my chance of conceiving without IF treatments.  I think if she finds out that her chance of conception is really high (which at 24 it should be) she may not feel so rushed.  Information is power. 

Sadly, she said one of her main reasons for wanting to do this is because she's lonely. It was heartbreaking.  I want to help her not feel so lonely but all I can really offer is an ear right now.  I don't know if its enough so I'm thinking about getting a group of people together after work at a local restaurant.  I'm hoping that will  help her meet more people in the office and get her more acclimated to living here.

Gavin found his hands this week.  He's so funny about it.  He sticks his arms straight out and opens and closes his little pudgy little hands while staring at them with his eyes wide opened.  He loves taking a bath and has been in the habit of getting mad at me when I take him out of the tub.  Last night, I decided to let him lounge in the tub after he was all washed up until his little feet got all pruny.  When I finally took him out he was so happy and sleepy that he fell asleep as soon as I dried him off and got him in his pajamas.  Then he proceeded to sleep 12 hours straight!!  I am going to try this again tonight to see if this is the magic anecdote to making him sleep well.

Since I quit breastfeeding, Gavin has been growing like a weed!  I took him to the doctors office yesterday and he was up to 14lbs 4 oz.  That's nearly 3 1/2 pounds in a month.  We didn't check his height but considering I had to move his car seat shoulder straps up to the second hole, I have a feeling he has to be at least 2 inches taller.  If he keeps going at this rate I will have to move him in to his 6-9 month outfits by the beginning of June.  I wish I could stop time!

Monday, May 14, 2012

A Little Judgemental

Yes that is me today. I might be raked over the coals for this post, but I think it needs to be said.

I don't know if others have experience this as well but since I've had Gavin and everyone knows I conceived him using a donor, people ask alot of questions and are rather intrigued by it.  I love that people ask questions.  I know a couple of the older guys around here thought that I had gotten married and didn't tell anyone and a couple more that thought that I had gotten preggo's through a one-night stand.  Since I have been so open about Gavin's conception, many of these rumors were dispelled immediately.

We have a couple of younger girls hired recently and one has been really fascinated with my SMC status.  Although I just met her on Monday, she has told me her life story.  She's a nice girl but her story is starting to become a familiar tale on some of the SMC forums I visit which I find really concerning.  She's in her mid-twenties, just graduated college and in a world of debt and now looking to become a SMC.  I made the mistake of telling her how our insurance makes IUI's a fairly inexpensive procedure which has made her even more determined to go for it.   I don't doubt that she will be a good mother but I really want to talk her out of it.  She has creditors calling for her at work daily so I know she is financially hurting.  She has an old beater of a car that isn't going to make it much longer and she has just moved into her first apartment (with a roommate).  She is barely surviving on her own.  She is in no position to raise a baby on her own.  Furthermore, we all know the chance of conceiving multiples when using fertility treatments. 

Don't get me wrong, I could understand trying to become an SMC in your twenties if you had a medical condition that would affect your fertility if you waited till you were more settled in your life and career.  But to do it because you can.... with little thought of how you are going to support that child is just wrong. I hate to blow her bubble but a baby can't survive soley on love. Granted, at some point in all our lifes we are all likely to hit a rough patch in our lifes that we will have to dig ourselves out of but to start off trying to become a SMC when you already way in the red is just irresponsible.

Is this new trend just a by-product of all of those SMC hollywood movies?  Did they make the life of a SMC look too glamorous?  Do these girls think this is just a gateway to landing a husband?  I'm glad these movies were made because they helped the general public to understand what SMC's are but I don't like the idea that many young women seem to make it the first option if they don't get married by the time they are 25.  Give it time girls, there are still some great men out there!!

She called me over the weekend to ask more questions and I explained to her that I knew I would eventually become a SMC at age 27 if I hadn't met anyone by the time I was 32.  I also made a plan at that point on how to make my life ready to accomodate such a large responsibility.  I feel like she didn't hear a word I said and I am really frustrated by it.  She already has an appointment scheduled with the RE in three weeks to discuss her options and I am terrified by the idea that she is going to go through with this. 

A part of me worries about that unborn child and another part of me selfishly worries about irresponsible, young  SMC's ruining the imagine of what SMC's are today.  Educated, independent professionals that exhausted are options of finding a mate only to decide to wait no longer and take the courageous decision to have a child on our own prior to the demise of our fertility.  If these young girls goes through with the IUI and conceives a chid only to immediately end up on goverment assistance, us SMC's would never hear the end of it.  My worst fear is if there are too many irresponsible SMC's, regardless of age, goverment would begin to prevent single women the opportunity to conceive through the use of IF methods which would be a tragedy.

I shouldn't pick on her because of her age.  I would feel the same way if she was a 40 year old women in the same financial crisis.  Hell, I felt that way about my parents when they decided to purposely get pregnant, not once but twice, when we could barely put food on the table and were bouncing from home to home.  As a child who grew up in poverty, I would never wish it for another child.

Right now I can only hope she really thinks this through.  Contrary to what I've written, I do want to be supportive of her decision but I am just praying that I can get her to see the benefits of waiting until her life is more stable.

gahhh.....I should just change the title of my blog to the Perpetual Rant.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Just Like it Was Back In the Day

I'm back at work and the madness has already started on day one. Single Mom BB, this post is for you:)

I dropped Gavin off at Daycare Monday morning earlier than I needed to because I just knew I would not be able to stop myself from crying and I would have to clean up my face to make myself presentable.  I had 438 emails waiting for me when I turned on my computer.  As of today I've gone through only 122 of them because things have been so crazy.  If I knew how bad it was going to be, I would have gone moneyless for my final two weeks available for FMLA.

Shortly after turning on my computer, my boss pulled me into the office with our new intern who was starting that day (really nice girl, she's a keeper).  Boss man than proceeded to BLOW MY MIND.  First, I got a promotion.  Not a financial promotion, but I am now officially a project manager. Mind you, I've done the work of a project manager for awhile now but they wouldn't give me the title, mostly due to the insecurities of my manager (who is now no longer my manager, yippee!!!).  My old manager is still here but we no longer will be working on projects together. I was (and still am) a little leery of the promotion.  I'm kind of confused on why they chose to do it now considering before my maternity leave my boss told me I was difficult to work with and nobody likes me.  More on this later.  This promotion also means more work and more night meetings which just equals more time away from my son.  This is really ironic considering I asked prior to leaving if I could reduce the amount I would be traveling after Gavin's birth and they seemed to be okay with it. Regardless of how I got the promotion and all that comes with it, I'm still super happy about it because it will put me one step closer to running my own department. 

Boss man is now no longer running the company's largest and most time consuming project and will now be focusing his attention on improving our department.  This was much needed although I'm still a little leery about him being in charge of all of it since he doesn't always seem to know what we do.   At least this will be an opportunity for him to learn if he keeps his mind open.  We now have hired some one to take over the project that I won last years big grant for.  This is an awesome turn of events because work wasn't getting done on it because we didn't have a clear leader for the project and there were way too many people trying to take charge only to the drop the ball on important tasks.  The new hire is amazing and seems brilliant.  I'm kind of hoping I can work on a project with her in the future so I will have time to pick her brain. 

After I left his office, I began returning phone calls.  That's when I got to hear all the good stuff.  Seriously, I'm a little scared to post this right now but I need to get it off my chest.  My manager has been screwing up projects left and right, including ruining the relationship with two of our best clients.  This is partially my bosses fault too because the manager has been overwhelmed with work and was half-assing everything.  My boss also allowed him to be pegged as an architect even though he has never been trained to do architectural work (totally unethical, maybe illegal, by the way).  I wish I could show you some of the sketches he did for this client but it's just too embarrassing.  I will try to verbally paint this picture for you but he was suppose to design an outdoor amphitheater.  All he did was draw four wooden post, a box for a stage, and a triangle on top for a roof.  Gahhhhh!!!  He is about two months behind on each clients projects and the clients are to the point of frustration that they aren't picking up the phone when he calls.  One of our client service managers, who gets us our jobs, pulled me into his office and told me that our four client managers are pushing to place me in charge of all new projects because my (old) manager can't handle it and is pissing too many people off.  They also want me to start going out with them to get new jobs.  I was flattered that I was missed so much yet scared shitless because I have no idea if I can mend all these broken relationships with these clients.  I had good relationships with them in the past but I wonder if they will trust me to correct the situation.  Furthermore, correcting the situation also means stepping on some toes which will get me into hot water again.  I wanted to come back to a positive environment but it's quickly going south and I feel like I just stepped into a war between our department and our client managers. 

By the end of the first day, I had five pages (yes FIVE) of things that need to be done by the end of the week.  A lot of the items listed were things that the manager should have gotten done weeks ago because they are time sensitive.  I think I got these squared away now but I have no idea if I'm going to get the rest done by the end of the week so I can start working on my projects.

Gavin didn't have a good first day either.  The poor guy cried the first six hours he was there.  He also had diarrhea twice covering the daycare worker and himself in poo.  To add insult to injury, on the third diaper change of the day, he peed in the daycare workers face.  Thankfully she has a wonderful sense of humor.  I told her it was how we initiate people into the family.  The second day was the complete opposite.  Gavin was laughing and cooing all day so at least I know things will get better.

Now I get why so many woman rather stay home than be at work.  I feel like I never have time to be with Gavin.  I hate it.  When I pick him up after work, he goes to bed an hour later.  He also sleeps till 5:30 so that only gives me an about an hour and a half to be with him in the morning and I have to get ready for work during that time too.  This sucks.  Seriously, if anyone knows of a rich man who likes funny fat girls and is looking to financially support them, PLEASE send him my way.  I joked around about this to a friend and she told me that maybe Bill Clinton might be interested.  Too funny considering I've been told I look a lot like Monica Lewinski.

Damn I write too much when I'm blogging.  I can't believe anyone reads all my rambling but I appreciate those who do.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012


I know it may be too soon to start thinking about having another child but I've been thinking about it for almost a month already. I promised myself and family members that I would wait until Gavin turned two but I thought I would start laying the ground work by calling the cryogenic facility to make sure Gavin's donor was still available.   I wasn't planning on buying any vials for at least another year but that intention changed within a matter of seconds of making the phone call.  I'm so glad I called when I did because there were only 8 vials left. Was it important that Gavin have a full-blood sibling?  I struggled with it for a day.  I had the money to cover the cost of 6 vials but that would wipe out the majority of my savings account.  I hate the idea of putting Gavin and I at risk for the possiblity of a child that may or maynot exist in the future. However,  after discussing the problem with a couple of friends and family members I decided to bite the bullet and purchase the 6 vials.  I got pregnant with Gavin within two attempts with this donor so hopefully I will have similar luck.  It would be really nice if I could get pregnant on the first try so I would have a couple vials left for a possible third child but I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself by thinking about a third child. 

To cover the shortage in my savings account, I refinanced my car.  I should have refinanced so much sooner because I got a loan that charged 8% less interest.  It's crazy that I now pay almost $100+ dollars less a month and will still pay off my car at the same time. 

I'm going back to work in a week.  To say I'm dreading it is an understatement.  The thought of missing some of Gavin's firsts drives me crazy.  I wished I lived in Canada so that I could stay home a bit longer.  He's really starting to become more fun.  I read him a curious George book the other day and he was just cracking up.  I never thought the idea of being a stay at home mom was appealing but now I totally get it.  I think it's time to start playing the lottery or looking for a rich guy who will want to financially support the two of us :)

I still want to look for another job but I recently resigned my lease for my townhouse and will now have to stay here until July of 2013 unless I want to pay $1400 to break my lease.  I just hope work will be a better environment although now that I wont be able to work extended hours to get projects completed I'm sure there will be alot more pressure on me. 

I don't know if any one has experienced this after they had a child but I feel so much more calm now.  It's like everything in my life has just fallen into place.  I've been working towards having a child for seven years.  I finished school, got a great paying job, paid off my debt,  and set my life up to accomodate raising a child.  And now he's finally here and I just want enjoy every minute of this.  It's strange for me not to have this constant pressure to acheive a goal.  I currently don't have a personal goal.  I'm kind of afraid to create one because I don't want to lose this sense of calmness yet I feel like I won't be a good role model for Gavin if I let my life become stagnant.  I know this may sound strange to some people but that constant drive to succeed has been a part of my identity for so long, if I don't have that drive anymore, who am I?

Sunday, April 29, 2012

More Tales of Breastfeeding Hell

I'm back, but barely. The last month with Gavin has been almost perfect. He started smiling around 4 and half weeks. We went back to Wisconsin for two weeks to spend time with family and friends. I was really worried about the long drive with an infant but amazingly he slept the whole seven hours there and back, with the exception of two quick feeding sessions. I previously posted that I was glad that I spent time with the lactaction consultant but I want to take part of what I said back. There is just too much pressure to breastfeed. I think I tried every option to increase my supply because I didn't want to give up on something that would be beneficial to my little man. While some of the options were quick fixes (fenugreek, blessed thistle, mothers milk tea) others were incredibly time consuming (pumping every two hours for 20 - 30 minute sessions). People think breastfeeding is a cheap option too. But I am here to tell you that I have spent over $350 on breastfeeding supplies which I could have easily spent on formula which would have covered is formula needs for 5 to 6 months, if not more. A few days before I left for Wisconsin, I had a lactation consultant tell me "trust in your supply". I believed her chanted those words in my head. I really thought I had increased my supply by stepping up feedings and that all the work I had put into increasing my supply was the right thing for Gavin. While on my trip, family members kept telling me that he was nursing for way too long and that what was going on wasn't normal. I kept thinking to myself that the lactation consultant told me my supply was fine so I assumed that Gavin was just nursing for prolonged period of times for soothing purposes. By the time I left Wisconsin, Gavin was waking up every two hours to eat and would nurse for hour long sessions with only 30 minute breaks in between. He was sleepy all the time and although we could get him to smile every once in a while, he didn't seem to be very alert. As another week went by, Gavin's feeding sessions became even more extended and the only time he would sleep was if he fell asleep nursng however, as soon as I removed my breast he would scream bloody murder. I became tethered to my couch. Gavin wasn't smiling at all anymore. I wanted to believe in what the lactation consultant had said but I really doubted my supply. I felt like I was starving and failing my baby. I struggled with the idea of going back to see the lactation consultant but I thought she might think I was a fool but I couldn't just sit here and let this all continue down this downward spiral. I decided to do a little experiment and see how much I could pump in a day while supplementing with formula. I produced two ounces first thing in the morning and the remaining pumping sessions (done every three hours) produced one ounce or less. I couldn't believe it was that bad. At this point Gavin should be taking in at least 3 ounces. I knew I was on to something when Gavin appeared to be more alert that day, he smiled for the first time in a week and he slept for a 4 hour stretch. I had a pediatricians appointment a few days later and explained to her all the conflicting advice that I had been given from the lactation consultant and her nurse practitioner. I was honest and told her I didn't know who to believe anymore but I still felt like all of things that I had been experiencing had been caused by low supply. After weighing Gavin, 10 lbs 13 ounces and 21 3/4 inches long, she said Gavin was hovering around the 13th percentile and although he was growing, he wasn't growing at the pace that they would normally see. She agreed that it appeared that I had a low supply issue but thought that it would be in Gavin's best interest to start pumping exclusively and supplementing with formula to make sure he was taking in at least 24 to 26 ounces a day. She stood behind what her nurse practitioner said and told me Gavin should be getting 3-4 ounces at every feeding, not the 2 to 3 ounces the lactation consultant insisted on. I love my pediatrician. She really listened to what I had to say and told me I have done everything possible to increase my supply and that I shouldn't feel bad about it not working out the way I had planned. I left feeling like my fears were confirmed, I was starving my baby. I felt so guilty. Guilty for not feeding him the way he should have been, guilty for failing at breastfeeding. I was still pretty upset after I left her office and called my sister. Jen recently quit breastfeeing her 5 month old because she too was experiencing low supply. She made some really good points that made me thing giving up on breastfeeding all together might be a better option. To accomplish exclusively pumping and then supplement I would be spending less time playing with Gavin and that time would be really precious once I go back to work. Jen works with mostly women but she said they really didn't understand her need to be on a pumping schedule while working. With me being the only women in the department and my past experiences with the guys understanding maternity leave, would they really understand my need to set aside 30 minutes to pump every three hours? Probably not. By the time I hung up the phone I was determined to quit breastfeeding. Gavin takes a bottle well so the last two days on formula havent been that bad. He is definitely more alert and much more smiley now. I'm glad I can say that I tried everything to succeed in breastfeeding but mad at myself for not listening to my gut instinct that Gavin was not taking in enough milk. The only problem I've been experiencing is Gavin used nursing as a way to soothe himself and now I need to figure out an alternative. He wont take a pacifier and he has been a lot more difficult to get to sleep. I've definitely have seen more tears this week than I have seen in the last two months of his life. I've caved in twice and let him nurse (which puts him to sleep instantly). Now I'm just going through the pain of drying up. It's no fun and I'm already missing those bonding moments of him nursing. The upside is I get plenty of smiles now.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Breastfeeding Wars

I've been stuck in a battle between the Lactation consultants at the hospital and my nurse practitioner at my pediatricians office. The lack of breastfeeding knowledge at my pediatricians office amazes me. I wish I had checked my comments left from my previous post much sooner because I have been in breastfeeding hell.

As I previous posted,Gavin was struggling with weight gain for the first two weeks of his life. He's a sleepy feeder and in the end I just wasn't waking him up often enough to get him to eat what he needed. He went from 7lbs 3 oz's at his two week check up to 8lbs four days later because I started supplementing with formula and I began pumping as instructed by the nurse practitioner. Here is the messed up part: at the two week check up, the nurse handed me a sheet that had the number of ounces he should be taking in per feeding. According to the sheet, from newborn to two weeks old, Gavin shoud be eating 2-3 ounces every two hours and 4 ounces from age 2 weeks to 2 months every 2 1/2 hours. It freaked me out to hear this because I was barely able to pump an ounce to an ounce and half so I thought I had low milk supply.

I went home and began feeding him three ounces per feeding session but Gavin began projectile vomiting after the first few feeding sessions. I thought he might be allergic to the formula but his vomiting stopped after the first day. As ok'd by the nurse practioner, I began allowing Gavin to sleep through the night again. While this was going on, I kept seeing my supply go down. After a week, I was only pumping out an half ounce per pumping session. I frantically tried nearly everything: power pumping sessions, waking him up every two hours around the clock, diet supplements, etc. Nothing seemed to be working.

After a week of trying to improve my supply, I became so frustrated I finally sucked it up and went back to the lactation consultants at the hospital to see what else I could do. The first thing she did was weighed Gavin. In six days he gained another 6 ounces. I explained the back story and the progression of his weight gain. She said there was something wrong with him gaining that much weight in such a short period of time. She asked how often I was feeding and how much formula I was supplementing with. I felt like such a bad mom when she got this horrified look on her face. Thankfully, I brought the feeding amount sheet that the nurse practioner provided me with so I could show the lactation consultant. The lactation consultant was so mad when she saw it. She told me that the sheet was grossly wrong and that I should not be feeding him more than an ounce or two and now that I had been giving him four ounces per feeding I probably stretched out his stomach and am definitely over feeding him.

I was pretty pissed about the whole thing because in the end, my supply was completely fine until they told me to start pumping and supplementing. The nurse should have told me to just step up the number of feedings. After spending an hour with the lactation consultant, we came up with a game plan to try to get my supply back to normal.Because I stopped supplementing completely, I ended up feeding Gavin every hour for nearly three days straight before he started to get back to eating every two to two and half hours. I was exhausted but it was worth it in the end because my supply is back up to were it should be.

If this story can prevent another woman from having to go through this, I will be very happy. I stopped back in to see the lactation consultant yesterday and Gavin has gained another 3 ounces in six days which is much more on target and just shows that I do not have low supply after all. I'm just so happy to get this all straightened out because a week ago I was ready to throw in the towel.

Here are some pictures of Gavin. He is one month old today!! Wow time flies. He is still such a good baby. He only cries if I take to long for a diaper change or when he is getting out of the bathtub. He is starting to smile in his sleep, he just found his voice and has started to coo. He is so alert and observant.

Gavin and Cooper taking a nap together.

I'm this big!

The beach is this way ladies.