Thursday, April 28, 2011

Drive-By Posting and Thank You For The Award!

I only have a quick minute to spit this out. Thank you Kristina at It's My Life for the award. I really appreciate the nomination!! I'm sorry about lacking a link. Blogger must be posessed today because I can't get anything to work. Any who, there are rules that come along with the award:

These are the rules:

1. Winners grab the image above and put it in your blog.
2. Link back to the person who gave you it.
3. Tell 10 things about yourself
4. Award 15 recently discovered bloggers.
5. Contact the bloggers you have awarded to let them know they have won.

Due to the time constraint I need to disregard these rules until my next post. I know, I'm totally acting lame today but it's just how the day is going. Please bear with me.

So I found out the real reason they removed our IF drug coverage from my insurance. IF drugs = Multiple babies which = more medical costs. It makes sense but I still feel like your punishing people who already struggle with the costs of IF treatments. I also found out someone else in our office is going to the same treatments however I do not know specifically who it is. I would love to know who; I think it would be nice to share experiences with it. Oh well.

Only a little over a month before the next cycle!! The countdown continues:)

Monday, April 18, 2011

Some People Have Balls!

So after going to HR, I learned that the manager who was pushing the religious material last week went on a road trip with the new associate. He brought that book on audio tape and asked if she would mind that he listen to it on the trip. She said it was okay and so they listen to it for the 3hour drive. I think that takes balls! He felt that since he asked it was okay. He sooo does not get the fact that he is in a position of authority and it is highly unlikely that a new associate would say no to their new boss without the fear of being fired. I know I wouldn't and can't say no to my boss, and I've worked here for quite some time now.

HR said that they talked to the pushy manager and he is no longer allowed to bring any religious material to work. HR also said that upper management was talked to and they are now no longer allowed to initiate prayer at work sanctioned events. I'm crossing my fingers that no one realizes that I am the one who brought this up or I am sure there will be hell to pay.

So I've been on the BCP's since Sunday the 3rd but I have been having a lot of break through bleeding since the 14th. I was thinking about just going off the BCPs and just let my body do it's own thing. I'm terrified that by playing around with my cycle I'm just going to ruin my chances for the next cycle. Please let next cycle work!!

Friday, April 15, 2011

Ready for the Weekend

I received an email from my sister yesterday asking if my dad had called me. That's all the email said so I emailed back "No, why?" and then never got a response which of course makes me totally start panicking as the minutes tick by. I called her on her work phone, home phone and cell phone and cannot reach her. Finally she calls me back and tells me my dad fell while at work which caused him to go to the hospital where they discovered he has a massive blood clot in his leg. He is now being treated to reduce the size of the clot and has to return to the hospital twice a day for injections. The doctor said he is very lucky because if they didn't find the clot and the clot broke loose from it's current location, it could kill him. Very scary stuff. My dad is now totally preoccupied with thought that he can die at any moment if this clot moves. I don't want to lose my Dad, it's too soon. I'm sure it will all workout, we will just take it day by day.

So I took your advice and went to our HR to discuss the recent situation with the new associate and her manager (see previous post). It looks like HR is going to look into it. I think I mentioned it before, but they know its a problem but it seems like everyone is too afraid to speak up and say something. I'm a little apprehensive about it, I don't want to start a holy war at work and I can totally see this going badly. I made sure I pointed out that this is really an issue about a manager, a person in power, trying to push his beliefs on his subordinate. Again, for the record, for all I know she may have been completely ok with the situation but then again she might not. All I can say is I am SOOOO ready for the weekend!!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Religion in the Work Place

I am sure I will get some heat for this post but I think it is grossly inappropriate for someone in a position of authority to push religious materials onto their subordinates. It is definitely a drawback at my workplace and happens way too often.

For example, I just heard the head of our IT department ask his newest associate if she likes to read. She responds that she reads sometimes but she doesn't have the time for it (from what I have learned, she has a small child that keeps her very busy)and she just finished college and is over reading books for awhile. Now most people would just dropped the subject, but he pushes on and says "that's ok I will find you this book on audio tape, it is really important that your read this book". This guy has done the same thing to me a few months ago and the book he is trying to get her to read is a book about the importance of christianity. He knew that I am not religious (and I have a feeling the new associate is not either) but yet he insisted that I read this book. He asked me a few times if I had read it and if I wanted to talk with him about what I learned. I finally got tired of it and snuck the book back on his shelf and then told him I'm just too busy with my two jobs to read. He proceeded to do the same thing to a young intern who you could tell by the way he was acting, he was feeling pressured into it as well. The intern only stayed for a short time.

I know how I felt when I was in this new associates shoes. I asked myself, is this going to prevent me from moving up with the company? Am I going to be passed over for promotions?

My boss, very sweet guy, is extremely religious and insists that we pray before all our meals, which I find inappropriate. I respect that he is religious, I just do not want it forced upon me. But if I say no, what will be the conscequences? I know many of these religious co-workers are against gay people and alternative families. How are those strong beliefs going to come into play when they find out I went and got pregnant on my own, on purpose? I fear I will be black balled because of it.

Until a few months ago, every person who was on the board for the company could be labeled fiercly religious (We just brought on two new boardmembers who are younger and a little more open minded). Even after the HR person repeatedly told the board that their mixing of religion with the workplace was a recipe for disaster, they still have not removed the crosses, which can be found in every meeting room, and they still hold morning prayer at 7:55 (not mandatory, yet highly encouraged to attend). Our owner of the company, another great guy who I do respect, is known to go around to make sure that the usual people attend.

What is really disturbing is that last year the IT Manager started a "book club", with weekly readings during the lunch break for those who are interested in joining. A few people replied to his email request (which was okayed through HR and I don't have a problem with the email)but to get more recruits he went "door-to-door" more than once trying to convince people they should go and that it would make them a better person. Ugggh. My good friend at work felt like she couldn't say no to his face and went. She said it was basically him preaching the whole time so she decided not to go to the second week. When he noticed that she didn't go, he had the balls to ask her why she wasn't there and then told her that he could make it up by going to the next one. double uggh.

Our Christmas Party, excuse me, we have to call it a staff appreciation party for tax purposes, was great but we had to endure a 30 minute sermon from the owners wife where she mentioned that having kids and being married is great and if you don't have these things you should get them!! I wanted to walk out. She never had kids and just got married for the first time in her 60's. Who the hell says those things?

We do work with many local government, state and Federal agencies who have policies against the very things that go on here on a daily basis. I am rather surprised they haven't cut ties with the company (although I am very thankful they see past this because I would otherwise be out of a job). State and Federal clients are in our meeting rooms all the time, they see the crucifixes. I wonder if the board members make our clients pray when they are at meetings or do they just do it to us?

As you can tell, it gets to me. I don't think I'm a bad person because I chose not to go to church and I resent the fact that they try to make me feel that way. I live my life in a manner where I try to be respectful of others, why can't they do the same? I really get frustrated when many of them act like they are better than those who don't share there exact beliefs. I know there are a few other people who share my sentiments but we are fearful of the concequences in forcing the issue of removing religious materials and talk from the workplace. Where will the line be drawn?

Friday, April 8, 2011

The Plan

The RE's visit was short and sweet. Essentially, he thought I was just having bad luck and that he didn't see any reason why the IUI's were not working. With that being said, I found out that as long as my cycle has begun prior to May 31st I can get my medication for the usual cost of my co-pay. We plan on increasing my dose of gonal-f from 150 to 225, which makes me a little nervous because Dr. B said it will increase my chances of conceiving twins. We plan on ordering a little more medication than usual so that if I do need another cycle I will have enough medication. So that's it. Two more cycles tops. No pressure.

I did ask him about the differences between the back to back IUI's and a single IUI and he said that chances vary by approximately 6 to 12 percent.

Today has been a good day. I found out we landed the $1.4 million job (the one I won the grant for). Yeah, job security!!! It's so nice to be congratulated by so many people, I've been a bit overwhelmed by it. I hope this will open up some new doors for me in the future. A new grant application season just opened up so the company has me slated for 4 more applications all due by the end of next month. I hope I can produce the same results as I've done in the past. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Big Scary Changes

Thank god our HR person at work is totally awesome and knows that I have been going to great lengths to have a child. She told me that in the next month, my company is changing their insurance coverage. No more coverage on fertility drugs. Increase deductable (only $50 so that's not to bad) and big co-pays. With Gonal-F 900 pens going for over $1000, and I require 2 pens a cycle, I would not be able to afford to do many more cycles. I have no idea what new medications he would like to try during the next cycle. I still don't know if this will add extra costs for bloodwork and ultrasounds.

I called the RE's office to move up the WTF appointment to tomorrow in hopes that he will put in a script for two cycle's worth of drugs. If I could quickly scrape up the $1700 I need for a cycle by the end of the month, I would try again immediately, but I don't think that's possible. I am kind of freaking out. Now I really feel the pressure to do this now and not wait. I hate feeling forced into things but I also know that this is what I want. I know alot of women get back to back IUI's during their cycle, but do you really lower your chances by only doing one IUI? I would really love your input. I just need to find a solution to the cost issue.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Going Forward

Thank you for the comments on my last post. I know that many women take more than 3 IUI's to become pregnant, but I guess it just shattered my illusion that getting pregnant would be the easy part of having a child. Have I ever told you how much I hate statistics? I understand why doctors explain statistics to you but when you fall outside the normal range it can put a lot of presure on you. I have put a lot of pressure on myself, but that's just my MO.

I have been in the dumps the last few day but am slowly finding my way out. Both jobs have kept me incredibly busy over the last weekend, which has really helped to keep my mind off of things. I've decided to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish before I try again. I was kind of amazed at what I came up with. It also made me wonder if this was some sort of sign that I should wait until August to try again. However I know if I keep putting it off I'm going to regret it.

I'm sure I have said this on my blog before but I wanted a dog for years, like 7 or 8 years, before I finally decided to go for it. I spent all that time thinking that I was too busy and it was too much of a responsibility to handle a puppy. Then I got my ditzy blonde labrador, Cooper, and now I wonder why I waited so long. Yes it was challenging to train him not to tear the couch up, or steel socks from the hamper but never overwhelming and always rewarding.

I still have time to think about when my next IUI cycle will be. I'm just going to take my time and not let the pressure to succeed get to me.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

It's Definintely Over

The flood gates opened yesterday morning. It was just painful to call the RE's office for a second time in one week to tell them that I am CD 1. This failure of a cycle has really put me into a funk. I know now that I am definitely experiencing some form of depression. I just can't shake the feeling that this may not ever work out for me. The number 3 keeps jumping out at me. Doc B said if it didn't work within three tries it may never work and that I would need move on to IVF, if its an option I could financially handle. This is what he said to me a year ago, before I started my first IUI cycle.

I don't want to talk to family and friends about all this. My friend S has been trying for about a 8 yrs now (without the help of a physician) so I feel bad whining to her about this. My parents and my overly fertile sister will just say that I'm only 33 and I have plenty of time. I just feel alone in my misery.

I have all these questions that are swirling around my head. Was there an embryo? Did it just not implant? Is my progesterone just to low? What's going on?

When I spoke to the nurse yesterday, I asked her if they could mess with my cycle to make me have a CD 1 a week later than normal so I can try again in June instead of August. They said yes and gave me bcps that I can start this weekend. A part of me wants to try as soon as possible but another part of me just wants to wait until august. At least I have either option available now.

To keep my mind off of things I made a promise to myself that I would lose 10lbs and put $2k in my savings before I try another cycle. I hope this will give me something else to obsess over and make me rise above my sadness.