Friday, September 30, 2011

Friday is Here

And my boss did NOTHING. He brought both of us into the office and went over what we are suppose to be doing for the next week and sent on our way. No "hey, sleazy d, your a lying sack-o-shit and you've been busted". No "We're tired of you wasting company time, do what your suppose to do and stop trying to take other peoples work".

Funny, I felt helpless prior to going back to the boss for the latest complaint. Now I'm just feeling used and worthless.

On the brightside of things, I paid off the baby's crib and dresser and should have them delivered in the next week. I also only have one more week until my ultrasound. It can't come fast enough.

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Hope....Kind Of.... Errr...Not

Work drama post...IGNORE If you want.

So the boss man calls me in today to see where I'm at with the set-up for our event at the festival. I flat out told him that Sleazy D (my new nickname for asshole manager, to cool sounding? )told me I was not working on it anymore and that he was going to work on it. I also said I have no idea where he was at on the project. We couldn't ask him at this point, because he was gone for a day of golf. I could tell by the look on his face, he understood what I was trying to say, but like usual didn't ask any questions. Moving forward, I said I would be more than willing to get it started. But then the whole situation continued to eat at me. And then I found myself getting red in the face only to fall into the ugly cry at my desk.

I sat there for awhile, once again weighing the pros and cons of talking to the boss about it. He's never taken actions that stopped the situation. Its probably not going to work now, but what is the use about crying and bitching about it all the time if I don't do something about it?

So I went in to his office, closing the door behind me and I layed it all out on the table. The lies, the project stealing, the manipulation and then I said something I may live to regret, I told him I dont feel like going to him will solve the problem but he's the only option I've got. He admitted that the last time I went to him, when sleazy D started crying over me being handed admin work and how he didn't understand why he didn't get any, that he never confronted sleazy D about it. I guess I was dead on when I said going to the boss never results in anything. Surprisingly he said he knows that sleazy d has been lying about his knowledge about certain planning techniques. To further prove that sleazy d was not only stealing work from me while he had plenty on his plate, we headed to the person who runs all of our modeling work. This guy said he gave sleazy d work a few weeks ago that should keep him busy for the next 6 wks to 2 months. Basically there is zero reason for sleazy D to be searching/stealing work from others.

In the end the boss said we all sit down on Friday work this through (he was going to be out of the office on Thursday). I'm planning on bringing HR in so it gets documented. I'm not going to make that mistake twice. I also was given the presentation board project back however I now only have 1/2 day to do it instead of a week and a half. I'm super anxious about this meeting. I know there is going to be a lot of back peddling taking place, I just hope I have enough evidence that the boss will finally take this seriously.

( I wrote the above last night)

I didn't want to come to work today but I did. I explained to sleazy d that the presentation boards need to be completed by noon today and he said he had them ready to go. OK. I asked if the graphics guy saw it yet because as of yesterday he didn't seem to know anything about it. Sleazy d hands me three pieces of paper with enough text to fill a novel and tells me it just needs to be blown up and it's done. HELL NO AM I BLOWING THIS CRAP UP!! I said ok, the boss didn't know that you began working on it and we couldn't find it in the project folder (where we are suppose to keep everything)so we assumed you changed your mind so it was reassigned back to me and I am almost complete with my version (for the second time although I didn't say that). Modeling work guy then grabbed us and he reassigned some of sleazy d's work to me. I wonder what sleazy D is thinking now?

Monday, September 26, 2011

Maternity Underwear

Don't do it!!

Or at least make sure you don't do what I did. I decided to buy a size larger because I just know my ass is starting to grow width wise.

My first day wearing a pair was on Saturday which coincides with a day were I typically work at my restaurant. Big mistake. With ten minutes of running around at work, I could feel them slowly slipping off of me. 15 minutes pass and they are officially balled below my cheeks. Hello wardrobe malfunction! Thank god I have a good sense of humor because my co-worker called me out on it and asked what I was smuggling back there. Do they make suspenders for underwear? I spent most of my day running back in forth between the bathroom so I could pull the dang things up. Too funny.

I sent out more resumes this week. Thank you to those who have commented on my past ranting posts. I swear this situation makes me question my sanity for staying. Its nice to know that I am not the only one who thinks this is pure madness.

Things got worse this morning (yes, its possible) and I am officially convinced he is out to get me fired, although I knew that before. I just am shocked that my boss doesn't see it. Once again I was given an assignment and he showed up with his version of it. I also over heard him tell the boss that he told me to work on the mapping project (the one that he told me was done a few weeks ago, only to find out later that he hadn't started it), however he never told me to proceed with the project. I think he is setting me up. I went to our new head of HR out of frustation and was mortified when she told me she had read the file on the situation and that the file is HUGE. After hearing me ball my eyes out for an hour she made me feel better by telling me that after reading the file and hearing what I had to say she wanted to march over to his office, grab him by the shirt and ask him "what the F@#k? is your problem". She also said she didn't think I have to worry about being fired because there are very few people in the office who have respect for him and although the boss doesn't seem to notice what is going on, others in the company have. I'm glad she said that because at this point, since there has been no action taken against him, I feel like I am suffering with this by myself.

We talked about what I should do and she offered two suggestions: 1) Beat him at his own game. Next time he is assigned something, I should do his work and present it to the boss before he does. I'm not a fan of this idea because I don't like the idea of stooping to his level and I think this is just going to lead to a big fight. 2) Confront him, in front of my boss. Since we've tried this before and now my boss is being extra sympathetic to him because the "poor guy is going through a difficult divorce" , I don't think this will work either. So now I am back to the idea that I just need to find a new job. I was honest with HR and told them I have been once again actively searching (I'm not worried about her saying anything) she told me that I'm just letting him win. I agreed but what benefit is there in staying? I love all my other co-workers and will miss them but I don't receive any continuing education here, I watch my boss do some seriously illegal financial maneuvering (which I will leave at that), the people who are in charge of us do not seem to understand the benefits of good leadership and communication, and the managers don't know what a Planner truly does. Blahhhhhhh!

I applied for a job in Athens, Georgia. I haven't given up hope of getting a job in Denver but I think this would be an awesome alternative. Crossing my fingers and hoping I get a call back!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Ignore This Post, I'm Just In A Foul Mood, At The End of My Rope, Hormonal, and Possibly Getting Strep

Could it be the hormones. Possibly. But regardless, I know I shouldn't ever storm out of a meeting but I did. I'm just so DONE with the bullshit. After the battle against the 15 minute survey at the festival, which I won without question when the boss got involved, I didn't know I was about to encounter another battle over another ridiculous idea and to be blindsided by a-hole of a project manager. If I could redo my day over since noon, I not coming in.

I again was given the go ahead on a project by our boss. I told the project manager what I was doing to confirm that this is what we all had in mind before I finished it. "Great" he said. I go to the meeting and I start talking about how we are going to set up our booth at the festival and start showing them what I've done so far for our educational piece. In middle of my mini-presentation, he interrupts and says he is working on the same educational piece and this is what he has. Thankfully people said that his was over-kill and they didn't think we should go in that direction, but still, why would he try to work on something that he knows was assigned to me? I feel like I can't trust him AT ALL. I know that is not any new news but I just can't believe people will act like this in a professional environment. Normally this thing would not rattle me as much as it did, especially when he got shot down but then they completely got rid of the idea of giving out something for those who take the survey (I got permission to give away the 400 travel mugs, which have been sitting in the office closet for close to a decade). Instead they want to hand out temporary tattoos to the kids. Now tattoos are a great idea for another event we will be doing at the zoo (which is specifically geared towards children) however the big festival we will be attending is geared more for adults. What 40 year old wants to take a survey only to receive a temporary tattoo? The funny part is, our marketing person says they just want to hand out the little slips with the tattoo on it, not put it on the kids (which takes 30 seconds per tattoo). I think all this will do is get a few kids to run up long enough to grab the tattoo and then off they go instead of keeping them long enough to entice the parents to take the survey. On top of that, if you don't put the tattoo on people, and make it visible to others, your not going to cause interest in the booth.

That's the whole premise of people using balloons with the organizations logo on it. People see the balloons over the heads of the crowds and the kids want to find out where that kid got the balloons and so they seek out your booth.

What made me flee the room was after explaining this premise with the group, the marketer said that this "balloon/having to physically put the tattoo on people to create a buzz about the booth" doesn't make sense to her (She clearly could never get a job with the Nike marketing team who have become a great company because it's all about getting their logo EVERYWHERE) and then she flat out started to laugh at me and told me that it was ridiculous to think that the visiblity of our logo (via tattoo or balloon or whatever) at the event will not drive people to seek us out regardless so basically no matter what crap we hand out, it wont drive people to the booth. So are you telling me we shouldn't even bother with this event? (Thought it in my mind but didn't say it) She kept laughing and pointing at me and told me that she will never agree and that it is clear that I don't know a thing about marketing, silly planner.

We have a uphill battle to get people to take this damn survey. Why must we make it that much harder on ourselves by half-assing everything?

My boss actually sat with the a-hole yesterday to provide him some sympathy over his divorce. I wanted to shout out "what the hell are you doing, he's still sleeping with the intern!!" Instead I had to leave my cubicle to seek refuge in the bathroom so I didn't have to hear more of the lies from the manager. At least he is finally getting the attention he so desperately wants from the boss.

My co-worker Nicole got fired last week because she wasn't moving fast enough (she just started 60days ago and had never done this type of work before). I can't believe she got fired for this after knowing all the crap my project manager does and he still has his job. Why? I don't get it. I feel so bad for her, she was always nice and friendly. I never saw her screwing around, sleeping with interns, sabotaging projects etc. Why was she let go and not him?

Are you tired about constantly hearing about this crap? Sorry. I get so frustrated and I feel so alone here. I can't talk to any co-workers about it because this place is such a gossip mill. If I did, it will just get more out of control than it already is. I can't call my parents because I think they would freak out if I told them everything that is going on here. I don't want to call my friends to complain about it because I barely get to talk to them in the first place and I don't want to waste that time with me complaining. I would give anything to miracously get a phone call for a new job. I am so desperate I'm even thinking about changing careers.

I get so worked up about everything, I know this cannot be good for the baby. I've been trying to make sure I go for a long walk every night to help me sort out my thoughts and de-stress but it's just not working like it has in the past. The last few days I just can't stop thinking how much I am miserable here. I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about how I just want to tell my PM to F-off. I question whether or not I'm just over-reacting and my hormones are messing with my mind. I know I'm getting sick so maybe that is contributing to this feeling of desperation/depression. I want to enjoy this pregnancy and soley focus on the baby but I'm getting to the point that this job (not so much the job, just certain people) take all my joy for life away.

I'm exhausted. My apologies for the second rant in a row.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Venting (Ignore if you don't want to read a post that is riddled with complaints)

AAAHHHHH! I hate it when people commandeer projects without having a clue why things are being done a certain way!

We have created an online survey for our project. The region has a population of over 250,000 people and we have had a total of 109 people take the survey so far. Pathetic. We have done out reach through the media and our committee members multiple times yet are numbers are dismal. We clearly need to take another approach. I have recommended a number of times that we should offer an incentive that will be free to us and could increase traffic for local businesses, i.e. offer coupons to a restaurant or shop. My restaurant I worked at was interested and I'm sure we could talk my boss at the engineering firm (who also partially owns a restaurant) would be interested. People liked the idea except the client and so the idea was dismissed. Now everyone is scrambling to find ideas to increase the participation rate for this survey. We were suppose to close out the survey this week but we can't until we have a better population sample. This problem is now going to push back our project schedule by a minimum of a month if not more.

So we had a meeting last Friday to kick around more ideas to improve the participation rates. Some people just wanted to continue with the same approach that we have been using which I believe will just piss everyone (media and committee members alike). So I came up with what I think is a much better solution. My city will be hosting our regions largest tourism event of the year in the next couple of weeks. This event brings people from all over the place, giving us access to a wide range of people (demographically and spatially). We would set up a booth where people could take a paper version that would be shorter than our online version (so it would be less than 7 mins to take instead of 15 mins), which would than enter them into a grand prize. An Ipad, kindle, something. We would also give out a choice of a magnet, sticker, recycleable grocery bag for just taking the survey. The booth would also provide us with an opportunity to educate the public through posterboards, brochures, etc. We would have a maximum of two volunteers, who would be knowledgeable enough to answer questions regarding the project and ways to get involved. Makes sense right? Everyone seemed to be on board so I began to work with our boss to finalize the plan and put it into action. Great.

Fast forward to today.

My boss and I met with our marketing department to find out what freebies we currently had available to use as giveaways and to also run the idea past them to make sure we weren't forgetting anything. They had a lot of great comments, however recommend that we see if we could set up computers to take the original survey. At first thought I like the idea, but then with the thought of dealing with IP address restrictions of the survey, potential weather issues, theft, time to set up, the length of time of the original survey along with another slew of reasons, we all agreed to scrap that idea and stay with the paper survey idea. Yes, doing it in paper form will cost us time to collect the data, but we can get more people taking a 7minute paper survey (More people can take it at the same time) than a 15 minute survey (Confined to the number of computers we have at the booth). When my boss and I left the meeting, he told me to go ahead and start shortening the survey (I took the original survey and split into three different surveys so we could have a more random sampling of questions taken). It took me three hours but I got it done and was in the process of putting it is a final format when I saw an email, sent out by one of our modelers (Not involved in the morning's conversation), go out to our IT department requesting 2 Ipads to take the full length survey on. He wants to send two people out to walk the crowd and read the survey to people.

So I walked over and went to find out why we were going back from using the paper form. He attended a meeting with the client where our boss discussed the idea. The boss didn't give out details of how the survey was going to be done so the modeler just took it upon himself (with the help of my troll of a project manager) to get the ball rolling. Although I appreciate the effort, the boss never indicated that he was assigning him this task, afterall this guy is so over his head in work that he barely has time to go to lunch, so why would he give him this task when at best he is going to half-ass it. I explained the conversation that had taken place already between the boss and I and how I had already been working on the project for most of the day and it was nearing completion. No big deal right? Instead he tries to fight me tooth and nail on the issue. Seriously, I was told this is a done deal and to proceed. He had no idea that we are doing a giveaway, no idea that we cannot get a power source at the booth, no idea that we were not allowed a tent over the booth, no idea that the boss and I have hashed out the details, or that we are not allowed to walk around the event and survey people like he wanted to do. On top of that he forgot that the way the survey is set up, reading the questions and potential answers would be a nightmare. The survey taker would have to read it themselves. Plus who wants to be approached by a surveyor? Not me. I would rather come up to a booth and explore it at my own pace.

It will be more interactive this way. That's what he said. If the two volunteers are busy running a survey with a person, who is going to be available to answer questions and encourage people to take the survey? I don't see this as "interactive" at all. And personally, I don't want to "interact" with a stranger for 15 minutes when I could be eating carnival food or riding rides.

Man am I fired up!! I hate wasting time, I'm tired of people not even giving my ideas a chance, and I'm tired of the disorganization of this department. Everyone is so use to nobody being in the leadership role that everyone just goes off and does things on their own without consulting anyone else. Their is a complete lack of team work and communication. It may be the hormones but it still doesn't change my mind about wanting to leave. Oh great now I'm going from complete anger to wanting to ball my eyes out. I hate that this place does this to me. I know not every job is perfect but there has to be something better than this.

Ooh and the other thing that got me fired up is having to endure a 5 minute conversation about how my boss's church (he's on the board or in some decision making role) is thinking about closing it's doors and moving to the suburbs because they are starting to get people from the surrounding neighborhood who have (gasp) tattoos and piercings. Oh my god!! Seriously this just chaps my ass! Isn't it more important that they are attending to be closer to god? Gotta love all that judgement.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Ahh Sweet Pregnancy

So I'm enjoying the pregnancy thus far. In fact, most days I really don't feel all that different from my non-pregnant self however I've noticed a few quirks:

1: Snissing. Yes ladies that is sneezing and pissing yourself. I was in line at Panera about to order and I sneezed....and peed right through my pants. Of course this was noon so the place was packed and I'm sure people notice the wet marks on my pants. So embarassing. The funny thing is I just went to the bathroom before I got in line so where the hell did all this pee come from???? After I got my food (because dammit I was not going to leave until this prego got her ham and swiss sammy), I had to book it home and then back to work complete with a new outfit on.

2: Pregnesia. I have two examples of this and I have a feeling it won't be the last.
A: I went grocery shopping Wednesday night. On the way home I realized I wasn't hungry for a single thing I bought but I totally wanted chinese food (ummm pork fried rice) so I stopped and picked that up too. I got home and grabbed the chinese food and headed inside. The next morning I got up and was craving a glass of milk. I look in the fridge and its not there. Knowing that I've done a number of dumb things in the last few days, I started going through all my kitchen cabinets to make sure I didn't somehow put it in a place where it didn't belong. And then I realized that my cupboards where a little bare. DUHHHH. I left it all out in the car. The milk was bad. I bought a carton of ice cream that melted out onto my back seat. There is a smell of rotten chicken that has now permeated through out the car. I had to throw away about $50 worth of food. I'm so mad at myself!!
B: Also on wednesday, I went to the doctors office and then came to work. It was a perfectly sunny day but for some reason I turned on my headlights. When the headlights are on after the engine is shut off, the car makes a lound "ding" sound until you shut it off. How I did not hear this is beyond me but when I got out to my car 7 hours later to go home, my car battery was completely dead. Thankfully, some one jumped my car so I could go home.

3. Unwilling to accept advice and low tolerance of bullshit: I love my sister but she is driving my f'ing crazy. She's trying to be helpful by giving me advice but she wont accept any ideas but her own. On the way up to WI my sister called to talk about my registry. She wanted to "approve" everything that was on the registry to make sure I wasn't getting things that weren't necessary. I know it makes her happy so I let her at it. Surprisingly she liked what she saw accept I was missing Baby Einstein videos. I said I really didn't think it was completely necessary and I didn't want to give people the opportunity to buy things that I didn't absolutely need. She laughed at me and told me "its ok, you don't know this yet but you will never be able to take a shower, do dishes, laundry, etc. if you don't have this video to entertain the baby". I didn't want it to turn into an arguement so I just told her I can always buy them later if I feel that I need them. Granted, my sister is pregnant too and two pregnant women = a lot of hormones but she just kind of lost it and kept harping on me to add them. I finally just hung up on her. I never thought I would ever have an arguement over flipping baby eintein videos but I just had. Pregnancy madness.

4: Milking it for all its worth. I normally go to work dressed to the nines but in the last month I've been stuck between my normal clothes and maternity clothes. The non-maternity clothes I can still wear are pretty frumpy looking and are things that I would usually not even dare wear to work. Now I'm not saying that I look like I belong on the "People of Walmart" emails (the emails showing people wearing the most bizarre clothes) however I do look like I reverted back to the college-casual look. I trade my high-heels for sneakers, my khakis for jeans or worse drawstring cargo pants (so comfy though), and nice blouses for casual billowy shirts. I have been hit or miss on putting in contacts, choosing to rock my "hot librarian" looking glasses instead. I haven't entirely given up on makeup however my regimne is now down to strickly mascara and lip gloss. I had a co-worker mention that she was surprised that I have been dressed pretty casual lately. My response may make people a little upset but I totally pulled the pregnancy card. And you know what....I don't feel bad about it one bit! I figure I'm comfortable, I still look somewhat respectable, my feet aren't swelling up like a balloon anymore so this "look" may be staying here for a little bit longer, or atleast until I can fit into my jumbo maternity clothes. Sure I will still get all gussied up for meetings with clients, but my sprawling ass is no longer going to be squeezed into a pencil skirt (picture sausage and sausage casing) just to sit in my cubicle all day.

In other news, I knew I shouldn't have trusted the manager. He pulled another lie again to make himself look good. I haven't had any work to do so I asked him if I could help with any work, in particular, some mapping work for our big project. He said he had almost all of it done and was waiting on a few other things so he couldn't give me anything. He also indicated that he was about to run out of work himself. Today we had a meeting infront of our boss, who also heard me asking around for work from other departments. Boss man asked where we stood with the maps and the manager stated that he really hadn't started them yet and that he has been too busy to work on it. UHHH, WHAT? I just sat around for the last four days and could have totally done it. Then the boss man made a comment "well since lorelei isn't doing anything why don't we get her to help you". I'm just hoping boss man realized that I asked people in our department for work first and didn't just abandon our priorities. Then again he could totally view it as manager isn't "managing". This situation is exhausting. I will be working on more resumes this weekend. Hope luck will be on my side.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

4 Month Dr. Appt.

Everything went well. Unfortunately Dr O. didn't get to see me until an hour after my scheduled appointment but I forgive her, She was off delivering a baby.

Heartrate was in the 160's and the best news is I will finally get another ultrasound on October 7th. I can't wait to find out what I am having (hope its a baby :0 )!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Just Another Day

I feel I haven't been blogging much but there hasn't been much to say. I'm slowly watching my belly grow and I think I felt a few kicks here and there but that's about all that is going on. I have been enjoying some extra time on the couch, much to the dismay of my dog. I somehow got sucked into watching bachelor pad which is a total train wreck of a show. I'm sure my neighbors thought I was screaming at the tv screen because of a football game but's because I can't stand Vienna and Kasey along with a host of other insane individuals on that show. Man they get me fired up! Glad this season is over with it.

Work has been fairly calm. Manager actually did something nice the other day and asked upper management if I could go to a training seminar that I was dying to go to. Its a nice gesture but I have such hard time believing that he has turned the corner. I guess I've gotten burned too many times.

I've applied to 14 different jobs in the last month. My mom pointed out that I won't be covered by disability insurance or FMLA if I switch jobs, meaning I could get the job and they could fire me for taking any length of maternity leave.

What's the proper protocol when pregnant and interviewing for a new job. I always felt that honesty is the best policy but if I let them know in the first interview am I just making it easier for them to not consider me for the position. Any thoughts?

Thursday, September 8, 2011

No One Ever Forgets

Two ladies that I follow and respect tremendously wrote conflicting blog posts yesterday that got me thinking.

I only know of two SMC's that I follow who hit the jackpot and got pregnant and carried full-term on their first attempt. I hoped and prayed that I would be that lucky but sometimes you need more than praying and hoping. I'm not alone and I follow many others who have struggled and put their bodies through hell (some who still continue today) just to make their dream to become a mother a reality. Personally, I have had severe widget envy, I have cried and asked the heavens when it would be my turn when I saw a new pregnancy announcement, and I got mad when my 19 year old drug-using neice got knocked up by accident and wanted to get an abortion even though she knew I was trying to have a child (which she thankfully did not follow through with the abortion). In the beginning my doctor told me he wouldn't perform more than 3 IUI's and would insist on me moving to IVF if the third attempt failed. As that third IUI failed, I was left panick-stricken that I might have to give up on my dream because there was no way I could ever finance IVF in the next year.

But I'm not alone.

My three closest friends, two who I have known since 3rd grade, have struggled/still struggle to have children. Carrie got pregnant and announced to the world that she was expecting only to have to call everyone back 2 days later to tell them that she miscarried at 10wks. She went on to have a successful pregnancy only to follow that up with another miscarriage a year later. After numerous tests she found out she had blood disorder and a progesterone issue. This diagnosis finally allowed her to have her 2nd child. She is terrified to try for a third because she can't bear the thought of losing another child. Sara and her husband have been trying to have a child for over 9 years (yes, 9yrs) with no success. With the lack of funds and health insurance (she owns her own business), IF treatments are not an option for her. Meghan and her husband have been trying for over a year with only a chemical pregnancy to show for it. They have been recently diagnosed with unexplained fertility issues and have been stuggling with how to move forward (let nature take its course, IF treatments, adoption).

Although they are all married, they have walked in my shoes of heartache,longing, and fear.

Announcing my pregnancy to them was not easy (maybe not so bad when I called Carrie) and honestly made me scared that I would say something wrong and hurt their feelings with my good news. But like the SMC community, they all were supportive because they have experienced many of the same emotions that I have felt over the years. I admit, Sara was the last person I called even though I consider her my best friend. I didn't want to make her feel bad or give her the impression I was rubbing it in her face. When I told her, she cried (which got me crying) and told me she was so excited that it finally worked for me. Since that conversation, she has called me for the updates, when she is ready. I try to spare her the moments when I want to cry and complain because I can't stop being sick or that I constantly feel like I'm being kicked in my lady bits because I am so swollen. I do this because I don't want to seem ungrateful and I remember when Carrie finally got pregnant after her miscarriages and how I was excited for her and sad for myself all at the same time.

Even when you've finally gotten pregnant, you don't forget what the pain was like when you were struggling to conceive. No one ever forgets.

But isn't it worse to not want to include those who are closest to you in the most important event that has ever occured in my life?

And that doesn't just include my close friends, it includes the people that have commented on my blog. Those who supported me when I stupidly let the drugs make me think that I was pregnant when I was not; those who have helped me to see that becoming a SMC was the right thing for me when I had doubts; those SMC's who already have children and are honest about their experiences and have shown me that you will have your good days and your bad days with your children; those who have gotten pregnant only to loose their beautiful baby at 18 weeks making me realize nothing is for sure.

I haven't forgotten, I have only learned.

But just like the other stages leading up to my pregnancy, I want to talk about it. I'm single and I don't have a husband to talk to. I have you. My followers. For those at the same point or have gone on to have a child, I read what you go through and absorb the experiences you write about like a sponge. For those who are in the same place I was three months ago, I can relate to those feelings and I hope you feel encouraged by my support, like I once was by the many women who have left comments on my blog.

I hope that those who follow my blog and those whom I follow understand that I need to read your words, regardless of what stage of the process you are in. It helps me keep a even perspective on things, it keeps me surefooted and driven. I'm sure many others use the smc blogging community in the same manner. If we become enemies because of jealousy or a lack of understanding/compassion for anothers stage in the journey, we will all lose.

Regardless of where your life takes you, you will never forget