Keeping My Distance

The boss's party went well last night. Thankfully there was enough attendees to where an extra dinner table was needed so I chose to sat there away from the supervisor. I did make some genuine attempts to make conversation with him. I still stupidly hope I can get him to trust me enough to lessen his jealousy issues.

One of my co-worker and his wife brought their beautiful 2wk old baby boy to dinner. Another co-worker's wife just had their fourth child so the two ladies spent the most of the night discussing the birthing process and sharing parenting tips. I participated in the conversation and rather enjoyed hearing all the details.

The couple with the new baby are very aware of my efforts to become a mom. I think it was also very clear at dinner, after 2 glasses of wine, that I am not pregnant. As I was getting ready to depart from the party, the couple stopped me and apologized for dominating the conversation with baby talk. Although I appreciate their concern, I felt awful that they felt the need to apologize for showing their happiness over this new addition to the family. I really am super happy for them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah, but I don't want to be that selfish person that sucks the fun out of everything.

And now this is when you all are going to think I have lost my damn mind. In the last few weeks my mind has started to play tricks on me. My last IUI was in August. At the end of the 2ww, I got my period and have had it regularly since then, however the last two have included much more cramping but have been incredibly light. I really didn't put any thought into it but last week I started to get some unusual cramping and midmonth spotting. I've never had that before. The last two weeks I've also been feeling alot of fluttering sensations to what feels like constant gas bubbles in my lower pelvic region (I've never noticed that I have had this much activity going on in my abdomen). Although I've drastically changed my eating habits in the last four months I've only lost 8lbs and yet my pants have gotten tighter in the mid section to the point where I needed to go up a pant size. As I calculate all of this up, I started to wonder if that last IUI took after all (My head is playing games with me I swear). Half joking around about it to my mother, she reminds me that she had her period through out her pregnancy with my younger brother and that she didn't realize she was pregnant till she was four months along. What???? Please do not let me be the woman who is 5 months along and didn't know. I kind of freaked out Sunday night and took a home pregnancy test but it was negative. I actually breathed a sigh of relieve when I saw the results. I was on some pretty intense medication from the end of August to the end of October due to a lung infection which progressed into pneumonia. On top of that I've had a couple nights where I went out with friends for drinks.

With that idea out of the way, I've kind of started to panic about the development of a crazy large fibroid. With all the hormones I was given for the IUI, would that cause fibroid to grow? I plan on scheduling an appointment with my gyno in the upcoming weeks to get some of my questions answered. I really just hope my mind and body are playing tricks on me and there is nothing going on. I'd hate to have to go through surgery to get fibroids removed before I move on to the next IUI.