Thursday, March 31, 2011

BFN or BFP? (13dpIUI or CD2)

I'm so flippin' confused right now, I don't know which way is up. While I was at work last night, AF completely stopped. I'm just spotting again this morning so I decided to take another hpt. BFN.

When I called RE's office, the nurse thought it was way to early for me to be getting my AF. She thought I still had a good chance of being pregnant from this cycle and that this might just be my body trying to have a period. So again, I have some hope.

I think the messed up part is, I can't seem to stop crying. It started yesterday afternoon around 2 and has continued on to today. My face is swollen, red and blotchy from the constant cascade of tears. Everything is setting me off, I'm just completely overwhelmed. I wish I could take a mental health day but I have a deadline to meet and I am very behind.

I just feel like a complete failure if this turns into a BFN.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Is there still hope? (Update)

After I posted yesterday, I went home and went to bed to take a nap. When I woke up, I realized the spotting had completely stopped. This morning, same status, nothing there. So I decided to take a hpt. BFN. Now 3 hours later I'm back to spotting again. This is just cruel and its really messing with my head. I'm only 12dpIUI. Is there still hope?

No hope. The bitch flow has begun.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Cycle Three is a Failure

Thank you for all the previous comments ladies but unfortunately it looks like this cycle is a dud. I started spotting this morning and the amount of cramping and my ranging headache definitely indicates the beginning of the end. To say I'm disappointed is an understatement. I just wonder if this is ever going to happen for me.

I think I need to start have an honest discussion with myself regarding how far I'm willing to go to finally achieve motherhood. If I choose to try again, my next cycle might not occur until August due to work committments. I think I'm going to give my RE a call and see if we can set up a WTF appointment. I think I'm also going to splurge and get a bottle of arbor mist.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

The 2ww Strikes again (9dpIUI)

I had a rather scary incident last night and am hoping someone can shed some light on the matter.

Right before I headed to the restaurant for work last night, I was hit with some of the worst uterine cramping I've ever experienced. The pain was so intense it left me curled up into a little ball. After a few minutes had passed with no relief, I tried to go to the bathroom to see if that would make me feel better but it definitely didn't work. I then made my way into a hot shower but that just seemed to make it worse. I finally got into my bed and cried until the pain subsided some thirty plus minutes later. Since then I've just had this off and on burning sensation in my abdomen. I am either about to get the mother of all periods, I've got some insane infection brewing, the freakin' ovidrel is just messing with me, or I'm about to get my first BFP. Damn rollercoaster ride!

Saturday, March 26, 2011


Bloated and back into the fat pants. Excellent.

I had some uterine cramping which I am really hoping that the cramping stems from an embryo borrowing in. I've stupidly gone on to the Internet to find stories of people getting a positive hpt at this point which has gotten me thinking about testing. Thankfully there's a part of my brain that is screaming NO, Don't Do It!! I know the trigger shot is in my system until at least the 30th and my period should be here on the 29th so I am making a very public promise to myself that I WILL NOT TEST EARLY. Yeah let's see how that one goes, haha.

Funny little thing I saw driving to work yesterday. I was driving along side this kind of cute guy for awhile and kept checking him out. When we pulled up to the stop light, I decided to take one last look over before I was about to make my turn. This guy had his finger so jammed up his nose I seriously wondered if he was scrathing his brain. So much for cute. Hope he found what he was looking for.

Friday, March 25, 2011


After a night of hot compresses, I'm just back to being sore and achy. I can handle sore and achy.

So I noticed that there are a quite a few fellow bloggers that are in the middle of their 2ww. One of the best things about blogging is you can really relate to people who are experiencing the same thoughts and physical changes as you are. After reading their blogs, it just makes me feel so relieved that what I am experiencing, whether it be little twinges or crampiness, is completely normal. I think it really has helped me in ways that I could never explain. In other words, thank you.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

6dpIUI (CD23) and update

So I went to the RE's office for an ultrasound and progesterone check. Everything went fine in doctor's office and they said they would call me to let me know if I need to take my ovidrel booster and to schedule the pregnancy test. But then there was no phone call. I know I should have just called at 4:30 instead of waiting for them but I know I occasionally get my results late in the day and sometimes late means 6pm. I ended up tossing and turning all night, worried that I just ruined my whole cycle.

I called this morning and the nurse really put my mind at ease. She said my progesterone was 14 and to go ahead with the booster. Taking the booster just supports the lining and at this point it doesn't really affect the possibility of a pregnancy. My lining was pretty good, 13.19mm. Ahhh, I can relax now.

I'm scheduling my pregnancy test for the April 4th (CD35). Which seems like an eternity. Let's hope I make it that far!

The nurse did say something rather interesting. If this cycle doesn't work, they are going to investigate the possiblity that I'm not releasing eggs.?. I thought that was what the trigger shot was for. She also mentioned that they would increase my doses of Gonal-F.

It's too early to start talking about the next cycle. I'm stll in the game, right?


Update: I took the booster shot at my lunch break. I noticed this morning my boobs were a little bit fuller than usual but 5 hours after the booster shot, my breasts are spilling over the top of my bra (sorry tmi) and I feel like someone is squeezing and twisting them!! OMG, I can not believe how painful this is, I want to cry. Does anyone know what I can do to ease the pain? I've already tried tylenol but it is either not working or hasn't started to work.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011


So the redecorating I planned to do definitely did not occur. I noticed a few weeks ago Cooper dog started to develop these little sores on his belly. He's had them in the past and I thought, after spending over a grand figuring out what they were, we had taken care of the issue. So after a $330 visit to the vet, Cooper dog now has to take antibiotics twice a day, goop to put into his ears, shampoo to wash his belly with twice a week and we are now starting him on a food trial to see if he has food allergies. The food is incredibly expensive ($80 for a 25lb bag). Ouch. The redecorating will have to wait until some other time but that's ok, I just want to nip this issue in the butt.

I have been incredibly bloated the last few days and I've been having shooting pains on my left side. Thank god I have a pair of dressy fat pants or I would be back to sitting at my desk with my pants undone.

I normally have pretty clear skin but, right now, I look like a 15 year old teenager. My hair is a greasy mess, and for the first time in well over a year, I went to work with my hair pulled back into a pony tail. At least I didn't skip the makeup this morning or I would really look like a hot mess.

I go back to the doctor on wednesday to monitor my progesterone and check the status of my ovaries. I've had two boxes of ovidrel staring at me when I open my fridge. I can't wait to use them and get the influx of side effects to be done and over with. Getting rid of those boxes just signafies another step closer to getting my BFP. I've been riding this alternating feeling of ambivalence to "This is THE CYCLE" feeling. But I'm calm and not obsessing like I was during the first two cycles. I don't have the urge to buy and take a gazillion hpts.

I think the last two cycles I was semi-terrified that the cycle WOULD work but that's not phasing me now either. In fact, I endured my co-workers five minute rant regarding the lack of men in children's lives and that this is the reason our society is falling apart. This co-worker, who I respect and admire very much, does not know I've chosen to go the SMC route. Normally a rant like this would have me doubting my choice, afraid of my concequences of such a bold decision, but it didn't this time. I actually just chuckled at the end of it, patted her on her back and said "you know there are other factors involving the changes in the moral fiber of this country". And then that was the end of it. I think I have made peace with my choice therefore I am truly ready for my BFP. So God, BRING IT ON!!

Friday, March 18, 2011

IUI #6

Thank you for the comments yesterday! I hope you are all correct!

Today's IUI was a little different than yesterday's. For the first time, that I can remember, they couldn't pin my cervix down with the speculum. The nurse had to insert it six times before she could get it in right. After that it was smooth sailing.

When I walked into the office, the nurse asked if I would allow a nursing student to come in and watch. I said sure, I'm all about the education, but when she was fighting with my cervix, the student just made me nervous. I can't put a finger on why, but her stare was unnerving, like she was judging me. I shouldn't care what some 22 year old thinks, but I am fortunately/unfortunately one of those people who cares how I am perceived. I simply do not want to let the world down.

I've been taking half the day off for the last few days to reduce my stress levels. It really seems to be working however I'm getting BORED!! I don't know why having nothing to do freaks me out so much but it does so this weekend I think I am going to redecorate my bedroom. This decision was also partially brought on by the fact that my dear sweet canine friend, Cooper, has decided to chew the corners of my comforter off. It's his only bad habit (Not bad for a nearly 2 year old lab), other than that he's an angel.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

IUI #5 -St Patty's Day

Wholly ____! The ovidrel shot has me so bloated I can't fit into my pants! I have been sitting at my desk with my top button of my pants undone so I can make myself more comfortable. It's such an awful feeling. I want to be go through the squeezing process Violet went through in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory".

The IUI went well today. They moved the IUI up a day because my LH was starting to increase. It went so smoothly that I didn't realize she had inserted the catheter until she said we are all done. Damn Nurse T is good! Let's just hope she got me knocked up:)

I go in for IUI#6 tomorrow. Wow it just dawned on me that I am PUPO!! Whoop Whoop!!

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

3rd Monitoring

Almost there!! I have two 16.0 follicles, one on each side, and multiple smaller follicles. I'm just waiting back to hear from the doctor but the nurse thought they would try to stretch this out 2 more days if my LH levels don't increase. That would make my IUI's to occur on Friday and Saturday. I'm so excited, everything really seems to look good.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Monitoring Ultrasounds

I was violated with the wand again. Yikes!

On friday I had: 11.0, 10.0 and a few smaller follies on my right, and the exact same on my left.

Sunday's ultrasound resulted in two 14.0 follies, one on each side with a number of smaller follies on both that measured between 10 and 8.

Next appointment is tomorrow morning.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Pulling my Head Out of My A$$

I need to recognize that these meds are making me overly emotional. Trying to be rational about everything going on I have made of list of all things that I have considered stressfull and have systematically begun to eradicate the issue. So far:

1. I called the person who was offering me the new job and apologized for any inconvenience I may have caused, thanked them again for the opportunity to interview with them, and told them I was no longer interested in the position.

2. I called my manager at my second job and calmly told them that I really enjoyed working for them for the last few years and that I am sorry for it to come down to this but tomorrow is going to be my last night working for them. The manager is now looking for other people to fill in over the weekend and told me he would not fire me for not showing up. Maybe this will all work out afterall but I don't want to rely on this job.

3. I called the bank on my lunch break and am refinancing my car to a lower rate for the same term. This gives me an extra $100 a month, further reducing the need for me to feel like I need the second job. I wish I did this a while ago but, oh well, at least it is done.

I'm feeling ten times better. Two more days to my next ultrasound. That odd aching sensation in my ovaries is something I don't think I will ever get used to but yet its reassuring to know that something is going on in there.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Word Vomit

WARNING: Drama, Drama, Drama.

What's worse is I'm already overly emotional due to the injectables, so I have been bursting into tears at a drop of hat. uggghhh.

I've been helping out like mad at my second job but figured I would stop once I started this cycle. My family is coming into town this weekend so I also thought it would be a great excuse to take time off of work from the second job. I asked off over a month ago. I normally only work Saturday night and Sunday morning. I asked off for Saturday, conceding that I would help them Thursday and Sunday. More than fair trade, right? When they posted our schedule, they have me scheduled Wednesday, Thurs, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. WTF?? They said we are too short staff to let anyone off of work. I don't mind helping but this is flat out taking advantage of me. After talking to management, they said a request is a request not a guarantee. GRRRR. Seriously? I'm helping you out, and three of those shifts are not even in my availability! Dbl Grrrr.

This is a time when I should be RELAXING. They know that I am going through a new cycle, yet they don't care. Glad to know I'm just a body to them.

Since my parents already took time off to come down, we can't really cancel the trip. If I work my scheduled shifts, it will leave me with less than 6 hours of awake time to visit with them, which isn't worth their long drive. So I began contemplating just quiting. I technically don't need the money, it's just extra money for my future baby. I'm going to wait to see if they come to their senses, if they don't, h'asta luego mis amigos!

Oh wait! There's a twist to this story. I got a phone call this morning from that job interview I took my name out of the running for. They liked me enough that they want to offer more $ then what they originally stated so that I will take the job!!!! I told him I wasn't interested but when he told me that they really liked me, I melted like butter (most likely due to tremendous emotional roller coaster I'm on), so now they have me going to Wisconsin at the end of the month for a "final" interview.

If I do decide to take the job, I need to work at the restaurant a little bit longer to cover moving costs.

A part of me says taking this new job is a big mistake for my career, yet another side tells me I want to be closer to home. I turned it down for a reason the first time and I need to stick to my guns. I need to find my cajones and just tell them it's a no-go. I would just be wasting their time (and my vacation time) if I went up there. But man am I flattered! Why am I so torn??

I was blubbering like a fool at my desk earlier because all of this going on is just too much to take in at one time. I hope nobody saw it.

To cheer me up, I busted out the magic 8-ball.

"Should I quit my restaurant job" = 8-ball: Definitely
"Should I take the new planning position" = 8-ball: Ask again later.
"Will I get pregnant this cycle" = 8-ball: Yes.

I wonder if this is how Obama makes all his decisions.

Friday, March 4, 2011

No Refund

So it is not standard practice at the RE's office to test the vials for motility and count before the samples are washed, only after they are washed. This equals no money for me. Bummer. They offered to do the test prior to washing however, the nurse said that could mean further loss of mobile sperm. I told her I would just take the risk and not check.

I got my medication FEDEX'd in today and will start doing injections on sunday. Next appointment is on Friday the 11th. Grow follies, Grow!!

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Third IUI Cycle Starts Today

CD 1 is here. I'm still waiting to hear from the RE's lab and the cryogenic facility regarding a refund for the last four vials I purchased. Hopefully I will know more by the end of the day because I know exactly where that money will go.

I'm so excited to start, I can barely contain myself. I've decided that this next month will be all about relaxation and pampering. I've got a massage scheduled for the next two Saturdays. I was thinking about trying acupuncture but I'm not completely sold on the idea yet. Maybe tonight I will go home and give myself a pedicure so my callused feet will not scare the nurses and RE at the clinic. I even cut down my hours signifacantly at my second job. Gosh, I will have saturday night off! What do normal 30-something-single people do on saturdays? It's been so long, I don't remember. Maybe I will finally have a chance to go see Black Swan. I've been wanting to do that forever.

Please let this cycle work!!

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Two Times in Two Weeks Has To Be a Sign

I've been working my ass off...literally. I spent an additional 40 hours at my second job last week and I'm about to do it again. This extra work equated to losing 7lbs in one week. I'm eating what I normally eat but all the running around has really helped me burn off the calories. My mad work schedule will continue tonight and strangely, I'm looking forward to it. My co-workers there are hysterical. Last Thursday I had almost everyone singing old school rap songs. I'm amazed that some of the youngin's new the lyrics. One girl even busted out the humpty dance. haha.

So the title of this blog has to do with the little run in I had at my conference yesterday. It was long drive (four hours) to the conference with the manager in the driver seat. I brought magazines along to pass some of the time but tried to maintain some sort of conversation going through out the trip. Everything seemed to be going fine until we got to our final destination. We started to walk into the auditorium and I nearly ran smack dab into the intern from hell. AHHHH! The manager said hi in passing, I kept my composure, smiled, nodded and kept walking. Surprisingly, the manager kept walking too. I got the sense like he knew she was going to be there by the way he was acting which made me wonder what if this was some sort of set up. I really expected him to strike up a conversation with her or at least try to sit with her but he pointed to a few rows ahead of where she was siting. I can't even begin to express how relieved I was to be ahead of her so she was out of my sight. I tried to not let her presence get to me, but once again I just felt like I needed to anticipate some sort of crazy drama to play out with her. The fear knocks the wind out of me every time I run into her.

I tried to be casual at the end of the conference and quickly left the auditorium pretending as though I desperately needed to go to the restroom. I hope this would give him a chance to talk to her, if he wanted. What really surprised me was, when I left the bathroom, I passed her in the hall walking in the opposite direction of the auditorium. The manager was nowhere to be found in the auditorium so I started to walk back towards the bathroom when I found him. He must not have sat around and talked to her after all because he said he used the restroom too.

We didn't talk about it on the way back. In fact we barely said a word to each other at all. It's painfully obvious that this is still a very awkward situation. He did request to go to the event well after I had approached our director about going which makes me suspicious that he knew she would be there although I don't know if I have a right to be so suspicious. I just wished that, had he known she would be there, he would be sensitive enough to the issue to warn me. Not that it would deter me from going, after all the conference was about something that is near and dear to my heart. The warning would allow me to prepare myself mentally. Maybe I should have gotten the balls to just ask him flat out if he knew she was coming but I'm just afraid it is just going to start another war. Therefore I am venting to you.

I need to the face the fact that I will most likely run into her in a professional capacity in the future. I just need to come up with a better coping mechanism for myself. I know when she was let go, she was on the track to get physically violent with me, which has left me with these horrible nightmares of her hitting me or worse. I continually have flash backs to her belittling me and making me feel like I should have no self-worth. I'm toying with the idea of getting some help to deal with all of these emotions and fears. I know I need to prepare myself for future run ins and I wonder if talking to someone will help me feel a little more secure and self assured my skills. I think our medical insurance offers free counseling, I'll need to look into it.

In other news, I am patiently waiting for CD 1 to come around. It should have been here a few days ago but has yet to make it's appearance. I am cautiously certain the third time is going to be the charm. Hopefully the positive thinking will bring me a baby in December!