Friday, February 25, 2011

The Interview

I had the big phone interview yesterday. Let me tell you, it is so much easier doing an interview than over the phone. I hate not being able to read people's expressions. It went fairly well but their benefits are ridiculous. I would have a $2000 deductible and $2000 addt'l for each person I add coverage for compared to the $200 deductible I have now. That was pretty much a deal breaker for me.

When I asked when they were looking for someone to start they laughed and said Monday. "This Monday?" haha. YES! They said they would request that the person be there within the next few weeks. That does not give me a lot of time to pack, find a place, break leases and all the other things that come with moving. That would also mean my upcoming cycle would be insanely stressful. The timing of all of this is not right, it gives me goosebumps just thinking about all of this.

So I'm calling today to gracefully take myself out of the running.

Thank you to those who commented on my last post. I am working with my RE and the cryogenic facility to see if I'm eligible for a refund for the shotty vials I received. Wouldn't that be sweet.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

And the Hits Keep Coming

God, this blog is turning into a "Doom and Gloom" Blog. Sorry.

I had my appointment with DR. B today. He said I've been responding beautifully but he did not waver in telling me to switch donors. Although there are seven pregnancies reported, on average my four vials donated by mr. dimples contained around 10 million sperm and had a motility rate of 20%!! It should be closer to 50%. He was very clear in saying that my chances of getting pregnant by this donor is next to none. So I feel like I totally wasted the last two cycles. I'm kind of upset but c'est la vie. So I'm going to just roll with the punches.

I figured this wouldn't be too much of problem, afterall, I picked out three donors to begin with but just as my luck will have it, one donor has already reached his pregnancy limit so now I am down to one. Just to be on the safe side, I chose two more potentials and am waiting on their profile reports. I hope they are emailed to me rather quickly because I need to make my decision by tomorrow. Yikes!!

UPDATE: As the staples easy button says "Well that was easy". After a lengthy discussion with the donor coordinator at the clinic and reviewing the new profiles, I found a new donor quickly. Maybe too quickly but it feels right. The donor sounds like me, only with a penis. haha. He was on my original top ten list, has the best stats out of all ten on my list. I kind of wish I had bought more profiles in the beginning so that I could see what else was out there and I would have discovered this gem of a donor but, at the time, I thought it would make my decision that much harder.

Donor arrives on Wednesday! Let my ttc time begin!

Friday, February 18, 2011

Turning Over A New Leaf

Things are starting to get a little better. The manager situation has gone really well in the last week, the car situation was worked out with minimal cost, my sister announced she's pregnant, and I'm still tired but it's manageable, and the antibiotics seemed to have wiped out my infection.

Yes, I snuck in the little fact that my sister announced her pregnancy to the family. She's only eight weeks along. I'm excited for her but I'm still a little sad. I really thought I would be next but that's all okay because I got a surprise windfall of money that will pay for my next cycle!! Yippee!!! I called the doctors office this morning to schedule an appointment with the RE to do a consultation which will occur on the 23rd. It looks like I will be able to try this upcoming cycle instead of the end of March. I'm so psyched, I want to jump around my office screaming! Since that might freak my co-workers out, I think I will settle for a permanent grin instead. :)

Friday, February 11, 2011

I'm in a glass cage of emotion

So let's recap this shitty week shall we?

Monday - While walking the dog, dog takes off, dragging me through the mud 10 minutes before I need to be at work. Later that day, I walk into the wall. haha. Doctors appt reveals enlarge spleen and glands. What's up with that?

Tuesday - Create close and personal relationship with pavement outside of work after slipping on a piece of ice in front of couple of co-workers.

Wednesday- Phone call from doc reveals that I have mono.

Thursday - Leave work to head home after along day only to find my car is dead.

Friday - Doc calls again and tells me my pap tested positive for a bacterial infection, just great. Then I find out it will cost up to $1200 to get my car towed and fixed. Then I go to a meeting at the city for my big grant project and run into the ex-intern!! She wasn't in the meeting, but man did I get the "look". I kept my composure and walked inside the Directors office. They must have just hired her in the last few weeks, because I haven't ever seen her there before and I am in and out of the city offices quite often. I am still trembling from seeing her, it just brought me back to all those horrible moments of having to listen to her call me names and telling me that I don't know how to do my job.

After I left, I started to listen to my voicemail messages and found out that one of the jobs I applied for in November wants me to interview with them. It's a government position so there wont be as many "feast or famine" moments I experience here. It only pays slighlty more than what I make now. I will be four hours away from home instead of six. Oh and I will only be an hour and half away from the family cabin.

I called and set up a time for the interview but I am so confused. If I take the job there will be no baby in my near future. I will have to pay $1400 to get out of my lease plus other moving expenses. I have no idea what situation I'm getting myself into. The insurance might not be as good as it is currently. The hours will most likely be less. It's another new "lonely" place to move too but at least I can spend time with my family on weekends. I will be within an hour drive of Minneapolis.

On the other hand if I stay where I'm at, I have a lot of great work opportunities in my future, (hopefully) we finally corrected things with the manager, I get a large xmas bonus each year plus my insurance is FANTASTIC. I love everyone I work with, almost, they are like family. I hate the city (it's not really a city in my book), I can still have a baby, but will still lack a solid support network.

I don't want to waste this ladies time but I want to see if they can offer me a competitive offer to what I am currently making or receiving in benefits.

My head is spinning and I all I want to do is go to sleep and pretend like none of this has happenend so I can simply cease thinking. Maybe I will take a nap under my desk.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Yes, Another Post

Since I've already began the process of obsessing over my next cycle, I thought to call and get more stats on my donor. I feel like an idiot for not asking before, but I thought I would find out if there were more pregnancys reported for my donor. Seven. SEVEN! I'm excited to know that those swimmers can swim but it was a bit of a reality check that he is almost halfway till his cut off point. The clinic coordinator said he was knocking up women between their first to fourth try. Hello Stud :) Of Course I know it could take me longer but it is still a huge relief to know the man can get the job done.

Damn, It's Positive

I've got mono. CRAP!! Doc says it shouldn't affect me to much when trying at the end of March, since he thought I should be fine by then. He thought I should temporarily stop working my second job so I can get the additional rest I need, but I was kind of planning on that money for my next cycle. Oh well, what difference does it make to have the money to do it when my body is to tired to function.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Keeping my head Up

What the hell is wrong with me? So yesterday was "run into the wall" day. This morning I get to work, step out of my car, slip on a patch of ice which has now caused me to mess up my knee and my right shoulder. To add the cherry on top, there was about 3 people in the parking lot that watched it all go down (excuse the pun). How embarrasing.

Someone please wrap me in bubble wrap!!! haha.

I finally got into the gyno yesterday. Everything checked out okay when it came to the lady parts (No cysts!!)but I can't seem to catch a break. I had bronchitis and pneumonia through out August to the beginning of October and ever since then I just have felt worn down. I'm alert during the daytime but I have been ultra pathetic and going to bed around 8 or 9 and sleep till around 7ish. When the Dr was feeling my abdomen she noticed that my spleen was enlarged as well as the glands in my armpits. Now I'm waiting for my results to see if I have Mono or Epstein Barr virus. I didn't think my sleepiness was a big deal, I just thought it was related to the stress at work or that I'm getting old (ok, I'm not that old), maybe my hypothydroidism getting out of wack, I don't know. Crossing my fingers for a negative.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Cat's Out of the Bag

I'm still not sure how it happened, but my whole work situation seems to be the hot gossip topic. The only person who I told was a co-worker in another department who hasn't been at work to talk to anyone else about it. Could it be HR, the Manager, or the Boss? Regardless, People Please Shut UP!! It's just going to make the situation worse!

Our workplace gossip queen approached me first thing this morning to congratulate me on my big win. I had no idea what the heck she was talking about and then she said "You know what I'm congratulating you about" wink wink. I appreciate the support and it is a vindicating feeling to know so many other people have seen what has been going on and knew it was wrong but please let's have a little more tact. I still denied knowing what she was talking about because, at that point, other people were catching on to the conversation, waiting like dogs for a treat. If anyone gets any sense that I am gloating, I will be doomed. Hoped I played it cool enough.

Manager has been incredibly nice and friendly. It has been a nice turn of events. Hopefully this leads to a stress free cycle next month. NEXT MONTH!! Whew it's coming up fast. I also just discovered that my RE hired a part time acupuncturist who specializes in womens health and fertility. I really hope I can try it.

Funny story. I was just talking to the CEO of our company talking about the Packers big win (I'm Wisconsin girl and ya gotta root for the Pack, ya der hey). When I turned to leave I walked directly into the wall! Man, I am such a ditz! We both just laughed and then I left.....carefully. I wonder if I left an imprint of my face in his wall? :)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Not through the woods yet

After all the drama the last few days and the it all coming to an end yesterday I would have thought I would of slept like a baby. Instead I slept for three hours, spending the rest of the time having some pretty insane internal dialogue. Even though he came clean with everything I'm still upset that he used the excuse that he didn't know he was in charge of me. I know I should just let it go but it just pisses me off because he time and time again has told me that he is the project manager and that these are his decisions and that he doesn't care to hear my input. So why the sudden change? It just doesn't make sense to come clean on all of the other stuff only to come up with some lame ass excuse for the little stuff.

Just let it go Lorelei.

The bottle of wine was good last night. I probably should have stop at the second glass like I intended but it was a good chardonnay and I know if I would have capped it, it would have just gone bad in my fridge. So I curled up and watched the last two episodes of the bachelor that I DVR'd. Damn, Brad's a hottie but some of those girls are CRAZY!! If I acted like some of these girls do on the show, I would be ashamed of myself and embarassed for my family. PICK ME BRAD!!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Crazy Week...and It's Only Wed!

This has been a roller coaster of a week and I need to vent. I was out of the office for a meeting on Monday and clearly was not prepared to be thrown under the bus on Tuesday morning.

I walked in an immediately got pulled in to a meeting by the big boss and the manager. Both sat facing directly at me, kind of intimidating. As usual, the manager was trying to save his ass by putting the blame on me for going over budget on our latest project. The funniest part (not so funny, just sad and pathetic) I discovered a few months ago that we were missing a large element in our project but he insisted on doing it because this was HIS project and HE was going to prove that HE is a good manager. During that time I had no work for over a month so I sat around twiddling my thumbs, charging time to a project I was not allowed to work on although I was suppose to be according to the uppers, eating the budget. After a month of begging for work I finally got an insane pile of work to do and of course, that's when he decided he was going to pass the buck to me. I said I would try to get to it but I was swamped. He kept asking me to get it done and I said I didn't have time. Last week he said he had to have it done on Friday, but again, I said I haven't worked on it and I don't have time so he got pissed. So during this surprise attack he stated that I was refusing to do the work he requested for me to do. HUH?? Then he says he hasn't had any work to do and that I should of told him because he could of done it all. REALLY??? How many times do I need to tell you??

After this I said flat out "I feel like I'm being thrown under the bus". And they both said no, no and that it wasn't like that all. The rest of the conversation was a blur, I was just fuming. Of course by the time I got to my desk I was bawling my eyes out. I don't think I got any sleep last night I was so upset and mad so I decided to do something about it.

I get the feeling like the boss only as heard one side of the story so I sent him an email pleading my case, including dates, times, and previous emails of conversations that supported the truth. I'm so glad I do everything in emails!!

He took the two of us out for lunch today to work things out and the results were amazing! I'm still in shock. I'm evil, but I did the same thing he did to me. I turned in my seat so I was directly facing him, as if to say "I am not putting up with your shit anymore". Before anything was said by the other two, I stated three ideas I thought we could use to make us more profitable and stay within our budget, which seemed to make the boss man happy and I know I would be a lot happier if we use them too. I thought this would be a good positive topic to start with however it seemed to make the manager more nervous and agitated. From there we went for the heavy hitting topics. I knew the manager is incredibly insecure but I never thought he would admit this was the main cause of all our problems. Next to immediately, the manager started to tear up and admitted he has been purposely not teaching me anything for the last year and half because he was afraid I was going to take his job. He also admitted that he is jealous of the recent accalaides I've received and he just wants to prove that he can do his job better than me so he has been purposely making it look like I've been making a ton of mistakes. He said it pisses him off that everyone comes to me instead of him for answers even though he has more experience. He thinks everyone in the office hates him because of the intern situation from last year. Finally he said he thought because I am ONE year older that people had more respect for me than him (REALLY??? come on, that's BS). He also recognized that nearly all of his issues stem from his own insecurities and that he knows that this has nothing to do with me but he realizes he takes it out on me on a regular basis. It kind of turned into a pitty party.

The look on the bosses face during all of this was priceless, although I'm sure mine showed how shocked I was. I still cannot believe he came clean! I once again indicated I did not have any intention on taking his job. I told him I think he could be a great manager, he just has a lot to learn and then asked him what I can do to help him gain his confidence back. I thing the crazy part of all of this is at one point he pretended like he didn't know that he was above me!! Madness I tell you!


I was still kind of hoping they would just transfer me so I can work under someone else, but hopefully this will do and things will get better. I think I'm going to enjoy a bottle of wine tonight. Yes folks, I said a bottle :)

56 days till my next TTC cycle!!!