Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Back on Track

I looked back at my old posts from the last month and am so thankful that I am finally out of that mindset. I went to this great workshop for the Safe Routes to School program yesterday. It reminded me how much I really love my career choice. It gave me so many wonderful ideas, I just felt so excited to get back to work. I haven't felt that need to jump out of bed and go to work in a very long time. Even better, I think I may have helped our company get a job in a community we have been trying forever to get work from. Crossing my fingers.

Everything is so clear now, its an amazing feeling. Out of my to-do list I made in my last post, I have already paid off one of three bills, lost 3 lbs, and planned a new vacation (a cruise with my parents in January). I talked to the nurse last week about the cost of IVF and am pretty sure the $10k min. is well out reach for me so I made an appointment with the RE to see if we can change the protocol I'm on and maybe address my low progesterone. I think I will try again in Late October or Early November depending on the money situation and what the RE says on thursday. OOH, and I think I might have already found a new place to live too! Its funny, but when I made that list last week, I really didn't know where to begin and honestly thought it would take me a few months to get it all together. Guess I was wrong.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

What's wrong with me?

I started my period yesterday. I was disappointed but I also semi-expected it to happen. The last week has been hell! I was super stressed about getting this grant application finished by its deadline (got it submitted with 6 hours to spare) and then I was suppose to move yesterday but that went horribly wrong.

I had written an anonymous comment on apartmentrating.com regarding how incompetent the staff was and how rude the leasing agent was nearly 8months ago. The apartment complex has still not fixed the gaping hole in my ceiling caused by the water leak I had over 4th of July weekend. I really didn't complain about it because I knew I would be moving into a bigger apartment soon but I was really uncertain if I wanted to stay in the complex with all the maintenance issues I have had with the apartment. So when I broke away from work to sign my lease, the leasing agent was her typical bitchy-self, complaining about her co-workers and how stress she was. I tried to be sympathetic, told her I could come back later in the day if it was better for her. I definitely did not have the energy to hear all the negativity when I'm feeling enough of it in my own life. After I wrote out the check, and began reviewing the lease, she chose that moment to let me know she is not a rude person and she thinks that I lied about my issue with my apartment and that I shouldn't post lies on websites....WHAT????? I said to her "This is kind of an awkward situation, but I stand behind my statement I made on the website. You don't find confronting me like this is rude and unprofessional?" She told me she didn't feel like she was being rude, just making a point and that she was not incompetent. Mind you she smiled like a Cheshire cat through out all of this. So then I said, "may I remind you I have had a gaping hole in my ceiling for 2 months?" I then said I felt really uncomfortable about signing a lease for another 1yr and will simply move out of the complex at the end of October. The most amusing part was her begging me to reconsider because they had already re-rented my place and they wanted to be in the apartment in the next few days. Why would you be so rude to a customer, and then expect them to do whatever you say? HELLO CRAZY? The good thing is there fixing the hole today. Yippee. I'm tired of having insulation fall on my while I'm taking a shower.

I started spotting later on that evening and it was like one gigantic sign. Maybe this all happened for a reason. I've made a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the next 3 months:

1. I want to call the RE and talk about going directly to IVF instead of doing a third IUI. I am also hoping they can try to make sure there is not some other underlying factors on why I'm not getting pregnant.

2. Lose the 20 lbs I've gain the last three months from fertility treatments.

3. Pay off three more big bills

4. Plan a vacation (god knows I need to get my mind back into a better place)


Can I tell you how awesome one of my friend T is? He's awesome, he calls and texts me on a regular basis to see how things are going and has been incredibly supportive of the whole situation. I know he sometimes follow this site, so I just want to say thank you. I know I don't have a chance to say it enough, but it really means a lot to me.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

So much going on!

What a busy week its been! My family came to visit this weekend and my dad got on my case about not answering my phone right away on thursday. I told him I was busy making a baby with the doctor and it just didn't seem appropriate to talk to my daddy throughout the procedure. He was a little embarrased but thought it was pretty funny. Ahh the modern day daughter.

Work has been chaotic, there is just not enough time in the day to finish everything that needs to be done and I refuse to spend more than 10 hours at the office in one day. Unfortunately I was assigned a project that is completely beyond my expertise. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have such a short project timeline (3 wks when this would normally take an experienced person 8 wks) I just hope that I can get my project done before the deadline so I don't let down our client. More importantly, I hope the stress of this project doesn't affect my chance of conceiving.

Strange, last time I had a lot of cramping in my ovaries (mostly caused by the large cyst I developed last cycle) and this time all my cramping is uterine. Crossing my fingers that it's a good sign. With all the recent BFP's occuring with my blogging friends, I really hope that all the good baby dust rubs off on me.

I have to say I am still kind of oblivious to this cycle. I forget about it all the time. I haven't had the same in-your-face side affects I had last time to constantly remind me. I just haven't had time to think about it. Hopefully by not obsessing over the baby making process, it will just happen.

What will this next week bring? I had my progesterone checked today and it was only at a 12 (should be 18). I gave myself the ovidrel booster already which means I have 10 more days to wait before I get my first beta. Lets hope that AF stays away!

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Trying to Trick My Mind

I have my 3rd IUI scheduled for 11am today. I've been trying to remain focus on happy thoughts to reduce the amount of stress I have. My mind keeps drifting my days living in Barcelona. I can almost smell the Mediterranean air and hear the roar of the crowd from the soccer stadium. I sincerely think this was one of the happiest times of my life. Last night I dreamt that I was walking hand in hand with my daughter down Las Ramblas pointing at the little shops along the street and taking pictures of the two of us infront of the La Sagrada Familia. The thought of it all just seems so peaceful.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

More Meds

I had my monitoring appointment yesterday. Normally there isn't anyone waiting in the waiting room and if there is, no one ever makes eye contact or speaks. Yesterday was completely different. There was 1 other women in the waiting room. I am so glad she initiated a conversation. It was so nice to talk to someone in person who was going through fertility treatments, who I could relate too. We talked for while about how the ovidrel really tricks you into feeling that your pregnant even though you aren't and how extremely each cycle can be even if you stay on the same protocol. One of the most important things she said to me was about not giving up hope and that all the tears, frustration and doubt was well worth it in the end. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

The last few days I have had some serious doubts about becoming a single mother. More doubts than I've ever had in the past. At one point I even considered calling the doctor and telling her I was going to just scrap this cycle and try again after xmas. I doubt whether or not I can emotionally handle being a single mom so far away from the rest of my family and good friends. I just don't have any kind of support network..at all. In the last few months I've really realized I want to switch jobs and try to move closer to home. I also want to really make sure I can financially handle this. But then I get so scared that if I wait any longer, I wont ever become a mother. It just stings every time I hear so and so is pregnant and when are you going to find someone to settle down with. Some moments I feel like I'm just pinned into a corner. It's a horrible feeling.

While I was waiting for the nurse to come into violate me with the ultrasound wand, I just thought about how ambivalent I've been about this cycle. The first cycle I was pumped and ready to go. This cycle, I feel like it doesn't even exist. Maybe its normal to feel this way after you've had a failed cycle, or this is a side affect of the meds, I don't know whether to even trust my thoughts right now.

I keep hearing in my head that it will all be worth it in the end and it keeps me moving forward with my daily injections.

The ultrasound showed that I have three follies on my right 14, 12, 11mm and three on my left all under 11mm. They kept me on the same dose and I will go in tomorrow to see if I am ready to go for my IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Monday, August 2, 2010

Goodbye Cyst, Hello New Cycle!

My monitoring appointment went really well this morning. They are doubling my dose of Gonal-F to 150. Hopefully I wont have to be on meds as long as my last cycle. I'm excited to do this cycle but I'm not as obsessed about it as last time. Most likely because I know what to expect but I am also cautiously optimistic. One try down and I only have two more tries before they move me to IVF. Crossing my fingers I do not have to resort to that. Just got to keep thinking positive baby thoughts.

It seems like every time I move, I need to redecorate a room. Well my co-worker mention a store called Kirkland's and told me they always have fantastic deals. I walked in and it was like shopping heaven (cue music as I enter the door). I think I could have spent a lot more money there if I had it available. I bought 3 huge pieces of wall art for less than $200. They're awesome! I can't wait to hang them up in the new place. That store really got my creative juices flowing so I decided to redecorate my bedroom for the next move. Using one of the pictures as inspiration, I bought a pale grayish/lilac color bedding set and a funky shaped dark purple lamp from target. I'm just searching for a contemporary looking mirror and a cool vase and I think I will be set. I wish I could paint the walls and add this awesome wallpaper that I found, but that's the downfall of renting :(

Good luck on your office move and new cycle Shannon! I'll be thinking about you!