I had my monitoring appointment yesterday. Normally there isn't anyone waiting in the waiting room and if there is, no one ever makes eye contact or speaks. Yesterday was completely different. There was 1 other women in the waiting room. I am so glad she initiated a conversation. It was so nice to talk to someone in person who was going through fertility treatments, who I could relate too. We talked for while about how the ovidrel really tricks you into feeling that your pregnant even though you aren't and how extremely each cycle can be even if you stay on the same protocol. One of the most important things she said to me was about not giving up hope and that all the tears, frustration and doubt was well worth it in the end. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.
The last few days I have had some serious doubts about becoming a single mother. More doubts than I've ever had in the past. At one point I even considered calling the doctor and telling her I was going to just scrap this cycle and try again after xmas. I doubt whether or not I can emotionally handle being a single mom so far away from the rest of my family and good friends. I just don't have any kind of support network..at all. In the last few months I've really realized I want to switch jobs and try to move closer to home. I also want to really make sure I can financially handle this. But then I get so scared that if I wait any longer, I wont ever become a mother. It just stings every time I hear so and so is pregnant and when are you going to find someone to settle down with. Some moments I feel like I'm just pinned into a corner. It's a horrible feeling.
While I was waiting for the nurse to come into violate me with the ultrasound wand, I just thought about how ambivalent I've been about this cycle. The first cycle I was pumped and ready to go. This cycle, I feel like it doesn't even exist. Maybe its normal to feel this way after you've had a failed cycle, or this is a side affect of the meds, I don't know whether to even trust my thoughts right now.
I keep hearing in my head that it will all be worth it in the end and it keeps me moving forward with my daily injections.
The ultrasound showed that I have three follies on my right 14, 12, 11mm and three on my left all under 11mm. They kept me on the same dose and I will go in tomorrow to see if I am ready to go for my IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday.