Sunday, August 8, 2010

More Meds

I had my monitoring appointment yesterday. Normally there isn't anyone waiting in the waiting room and if there is, no one ever makes eye contact or speaks. Yesterday was completely different. There was 1 other women in the waiting room. I am so glad she initiated a conversation. It was so nice to talk to someone in person who was going through fertility treatments, who I could relate too. We talked for while about how the ovidrel really tricks you into feeling that your pregnant even though you aren't and how extremely each cycle can be even if you stay on the same protocol. One of the most important things she said to me was about not giving up hope and that all the tears, frustration and doubt was well worth it in the end. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

The last few days I have had some serious doubts about becoming a single mother. More doubts than I've ever had in the past. At one point I even considered calling the doctor and telling her I was going to just scrap this cycle and try again after xmas. I doubt whether or not I can emotionally handle being a single mom so far away from the rest of my family and good friends. I just don't have any kind of support all. In the last few months I've really realized I want to switch jobs and try to move closer to home. I also want to really make sure I can financially handle this. But then I get so scared that if I wait any longer, I wont ever become a mother. It just stings every time I hear so and so is pregnant and when are you going to find someone to settle down with. Some moments I feel like I'm just pinned into a corner. It's a horrible feeling.

While I was waiting for the nurse to come into violate me with the ultrasound wand, I just thought about how ambivalent I've been about this cycle. The first cycle I was pumped and ready to go. This cycle, I feel like it doesn't even exist. Maybe its normal to feel this way after you've had a failed cycle, or this is a side affect of the meds, I don't know whether to even trust my thoughts right now.

I keep hearing in my head that it will all be worth it in the end and it keeps me moving forward with my daily injections.

The ultrasound showed that I have three follies on my right 14, 12, 11mm and three on my left all under 11mm. They kept me on the same dose and I will go in tomorrow to see if I am ready to go for my IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday.


Paige said...

Thank you waiting room lady. I needed to read that. If only we could implant it in our head and heart. As far as should follow your gut, of course, but we've all been waiting so long already.

Shannon said...

It so hard to know if those feelings are real, or just the prior BFN and meds talking. I can't answer your question for you, but I can give you my perspective.

I had originally planned to start TTC this summer, but then after my bad fertility news last year I decided to start in January. I've been TTC since January, and I'm not pregnant - yet. I'm so glad I decided not to wait any longer. But I did wait, for almost two years, after I'd made my decision, until I knew I was ready.

If you knew you were ready before IUI #1, then chances are you're still ready. I'd go with that while the hormones and stress are driving you crazy. You can always take one month off if you get another BFN to take time to regroup.

But let's hope there won't be a next time, because this time will be the one! Sending lots of growing vibes to your follies!

Billy said...

When I was ttc I very much didn't like hearing from people how it will all be worth it in the end, so I try not to say so to those who are ttc, but... it is so worth it! Havinh a child is so worth all the pains and trouble getting him/her, and worth the difficulty afterwards raising him/her.
But then sometimes one might need to take a little break in the efforts and thats o.k.

Your follies sound great. Hoping this will be the cycle you conceive.

Tiara said...

As my nurse use to say, "It sounds like the party is in your right ovary."

It is so hard to tell which feeilings are med induced, which are "real" & most are probably a little of both. A quote a friend told me whan I started TTC helped, "That which comes to easily we take for granted." It helped me a lot through the hard times.

Big Hug!