Unstable Ground

I came in to work yesterday to find out one of my brightest co-workers gave his notice.  What's really shocking about the situation is that it's the owner's son.  Most people would instantly assume that as the owners son, this job is a free ride for the guy. In reality the owner's son is probably the most hardworking guy I've ever known.  His departure came out of nowhere and will result in a major upheavel of my department.  He ran a portion of my planning department (although he was not in charge of my section of our department) and is solely responsible for winning many of our contracts.  When he leaves many of those contracts will not be renewed and will most likely cause a couple of my co-workers to be let go.  The uncertain future of that portion of our department has left people panicking. 

I'm not going to pretend I know why he's leaving but there has been a lot of speculating going on in the office.  Just about everyone thinks it has to do with the disorganization and mismanagement of our department.  I'm not so sure that that is the case.  However, if this provokes some serious changes around here, I'm all for it. 

And now for some pictures of my cutie....

Gavin is doing really well.  He turned 3 months old on Monday.  He's so strong!!  While he's got his tiny hands rapped around my fingers, he can stand for long periods time.  He had his first experience with the baby pool and loved it so much I bought him one for our backyard.  I weighed him at home with me and it looks like he weighs 15lbs 4 oz.  I measured him out to be about 24 1/2 inches but I'm wondering if its wrong because that meant he grew a little less than 4 inches this last month.  Is that even possible? 

He cracks me up.  Last night he was almost fast asleep in my arms and went to suck on his fingers but shoved them to far in his mouth and gagged.  I thought he was going to cry but instead he started laughing hysterically only to fall asleep just seconds later. 

Life is Moving Too Fast

I wish I had the ability to stop time.  Since going back to work I feel like I can't just enjoy the moment because there is just so much that needs to get done yet I want to steal every moment I can with Gavin. The few hours I have with him a day is not enough; I feel like I'm missing out on all of his milestones.   I'm having a hard time creating a balance between the baby, myself, family, friends and work.  I feel like no matter what I do something always is left undone. I couldn't careless about getting the dishes done every night, laundry or other little things.  Its my commitments to family, friends, and my job that gets to me.  My friends and family are well aware that if they call and I don't pick up or call them back right away, its probably due to me focusing my attentions on Gavin.  They are ok with it but I feel like I'm neglecting them.  Work is a whole other beast.  The new promotion has increased my work load.  I can handle the increase of work but I'm such a perfectionist that I feel like I'm not completing my work up to my usual standards because I'm not spending that extra time on my projects like I use too. As for taking care of myself, I'm lucky if I have enough time to put makeup on in the morning.  The last few nights I've been so tired that I just fell asleep in my work clothes.  I know I need to stop neglecting myself so I can take better care of Gavin but I just haven't quite figured out how to do it yet.

My newest project was given to me in shambles.  My old manager started it while I was out on maternity leave and then he passed it back to me when I got back.  He made promises to the town council president that he would create a website for the project along with a couple of other promises yet never told me about the promises and he never completed the tasks himself.  The last few days I've been scrambling to make things right again but I just feel like every time I correct the mistakes something else comes up.  I'm just hoping I caught all these mistakes because I can't just come in on the weekends to work and get caught up like I use too.  Our client service manager knows that the old manager should have taken care of these items back in early April and has been so pissed about the situation that he told me today that he would like me to join him in a discussion with the owner to get the old manager fired.  I hope I'm not going to regret this but I told the client service manager that he would have to do it on his own if he hoped to get anything done about it.  They haven't listened to me in the past and I don't think it will be any better now.  I also think the old manager and I are finally in a place  were we can talk again and be respectful  to one another.  I don't know if I'm ready to rock the boat only to throw me overboard in the end.  Thankfully, the client service manager is very well respected in our office so I can't imagine the owner is going to blow off their discussion.

Open Conversation

I appreciate the comments left on my previous post.  Some of them were eye-opening and gave me some things to think about. 

Surlymama, I by far don't feel that a woman needs to be wealthy to have a child but I think one should be financially stable and be able to provide the basics a child needs once he or she is born (shelter, food, clothing).  I stick by my comment....it's irresponsible and rather selfish and blindly impulsive to go and spend hundreds to thousands of dollars (on credit cards if she goes through it in this case) to get pregnant when that person hasn't thought far enough in advance to know how they are going to support their future child(ren) .  I feel this way about married people too. I find it disturbing that so many people in our country don't prepare for such a big decision.  As I said in my last post, a person can't always control the crap that comes their way (car breaks down, laid off from work) but as a single parent those effects are much more devastating than it is for a two parent household. Future planned-to-be single parents need to make an effort to prepare for those events. If a woman goes into becoming a smc in severe debt, it's not going to get any easier to overcome that debt once you have another mouth to feed.

W, my co-worker, and I have had  a couple of conversations since I wrote my previous post.  I invited her over to dinner Wednesday night and she got an opportunity to meet my son.  I think it helped reaffirm that she wants to become a smc but inadvertently, I think it helped her to get a reality check of what it all entails. I gave her all the SMC related books I read prior to actively trying to have Gavin.  I know a lot of them helped me answer questions I had.  We also had a little fun looking at some of the different cryogenic facilities websites.  Man that brought back some memories of late nights searching through the different profiles.  I have to say that by the end of the night I had a little more confidence that she was really thinking about everything and not just trying to leap in.  I am still encouraging her to go see my RE so she can get more information specific to her fertility.  I have a feeling that Dr. B will have a similar conversation with her that he had with me.  He asked why I wanted to get pregnant on my own and after doing blood work, covered what my chance of conceiving without IF treatments.  I think if she finds out that her chance of conception is really high (which at 24 it should be) she may not feel so rushed.  Information is power. 

Sadly, she said one of her main reasons for wanting to do this is because she's lonely. It was heartbreaking.  I want to help her not feel so lonely but all I can really offer is an ear right now.  I don't know if its enough so I'm thinking about getting a group of people together after work at a local restaurant.  I'm hoping that will  help her meet more people in the office and get her more acclimated to living here.

Gavin found his hands this week.  He's so funny about it.  He sticks his arms straight out and opens and closes his little pudgy little hands while staring at them with his eyes wide opened.  He loves taking a bath and has been in the habit of getting mad at me when I take him out of the tub.  Last night, I decided to let him lounge in the tub after he was all washed up until his little feet got all pruny.  When I finally took him out he was so happy and sleepy that he fell asleep as soon as I dried him off and got him in his pajamas.  Then he proceeded to sleep 12 hours straight!!  I am going to try this again tonight to see if this is the magic anecdote to making him sleep well.

Since I quit breastfeeding, Gavin has been growing like a weed!  I took him to the doctors office yesterday and he was up to 14lbs 4 oz.  That's nearly 3 1/2 pounds in a month.  We didn't check his height but considering I had to move his car seat shoulder straps up to the second hole, I have a feeling he has to be at least 2 inches taller.  If he keeps going at this rate I will have to move him in to his 6-9 month outfits by the beginning of June.  I wish I could stop time!

A Little Judgemental

Yes that is me today. I might be raked over the coals for this post, but I think it needs to be said.

I don't know if others have experience this as well but since I've had Gavin and everyone knows I conceived him using a donor, people ask alot of questions and are rather intrigued by it.  I love that people ask questions.  I know a couple of the older guys around here thought that I had gotten married and didn't tell anyone and a couple more that thought that I had gotten preggo's through a one-night stand.  Since I have been so open about Gavin's conception, many of these rumors were dispelled immediately.

We have a couple of younger girls hired recently and one has been really fascinated with my SMC status.  Although I just met her on Monday, she has told me her life story.  She's a nice girl but her story is starting to become a familiar tale on some of the SMC forums I visit which I find really concerning.  She's in her mid-twenties, just graduated college and in a world of debt and now looking to become a SMC.  I made the mistake of telling her how our insurance makes IUI's a fairly inexpensive procedure which has made her even more determined to go for it.   I don't doubt that she will be a good mother but I really want to talk her out of it.  She has creditors calling for her at work daily so I know she is financially hurting.  She has an old beater of a car that isn't going to make it much longer and she has just moved into her first apartment (with a roommate).  She is barely surviving on her own.  She is in no position to raise a baby on her own.  Furthermore, we all know the chance of conceiving multiples when using fertility treatments. 

Don't get me wrong, I could understand trying to become an SMC in your twenties if you had a medical condition that would affect your fertility if you waited till you were more settled in your life and career.  But to do it because you can.... with little thought of how you are going to support that child is just wrong. I hate to blow her bubble but a baby can't survive soley on love. Granted, at some point in all our lifes we are all likely to hit a rough patch in our lifes that we will have to dig ourselves out of but to start off trying to become a SMC when you already way in the red is just irresponsible.

Is this new trend just a by-product of all of those SMC hollywood movies?  Did they make the life of a SMC look too glamorous?  Do these girls think this is just a gateway to landing a husband?  I'm glad these movies were made because they helped the general public to understand what SMC's are but I don't like the idea that many young women seem to make it the first option if they don't get married by the time they are 25.  Give it time girls, there are still some great men out there!!

She called me over the weekend to ask more questions and I explained to her that I knew I would eventually become a SMC at age 27 if I hadn't met anyone by the time I was 32.  I also made a plan at that point on how to make my life ready to accomodate such a large responsibility.  I feel like she didn't hear a word I said and I am really frustrated by it.  She already has an appointment scheduled with the RE in three weeks to discuss her options and I am terrified by the idea that she is going to go through with this. 

A part of me worries about that unborn child and another part of me selfishly worries about irresponsible, young  SMC's ruining the imagine of what SMC's are today.  Educated, independent professionals that exhausted are options of finding a mate only to decide to wait no longer and take the courageous decision to have a child on our own prior to the demise of our fertility.  If these young girls goes through with the IUI and conceives a chid only to immediately end up on goverment assistance, us SMC's would never hear the end of it.  My worst fear is if there are too many irresponsible SMC's, regardless of age, goverment would begin to prevent single women the opportunity to conceive through the use of IF methods which would be a tragedy.

I shouldn't pick on her because of her age.  I would feel the same way if she was a 40 year old women in the same financial crisis.  Hell, I felt that way about my parents when they decided to purposely get pregnant, not once but twice, when we could barely put food on the table and were bouncing from home to home.  As a child who grew up in poverty, I would never wish it for another child.

Right now I can only hope she really thinks this through.  Contrary to what I've written, I do want to be supportive of her decision but I am just praying that I can get her to see the benefits of waiting until her life is more stable.

gahhh.....I should just change the title of my blog to the Perpetual Rant.

Just Like it Was Back In the Day

I'm back at work and the madness has already started on day one. Single Mom BB, this post is for you:)

I dropped Gavin off at Daycare Monday morning earlier than I needed to because I just knew I would not be able to stop myself from crying and I would have to clean up my face to make myself presentable.  I had 438 emails waiting for me when I turned on my computer.  As of today I've gone through only 122 of them because things have been so crazy.  If I knew how bad it was going to be, I would have gone moneyless for my final two weeks available for FMLA.

Shortly after turning on my computer, my boss pulled me into the office with our new intern who was starting that day (really nice girl, she's a keeper).  Boss man than proceeded to BLOW MY MIND.  First, I got a promotion.  Not a financial promotion, but I am now officially a project manager. Mind you, I've done the work of a project manager for awhile now but they wouldn't give me the title, mostly due to the insecurities of my manager (who is now no longer my manager, yippee!!!).  My old manager is still here but we no longer will be working on projects together. I was (and still am) a little leery of the promotion.  I'm kind of confused on why they chose to do it now considering before my maternity leave my boss told me I was difficult to work with and nobody likes me.  More on this later.  This promotion also means more work and more night meetings which just equals more time away from my son.  This is really ironic considering I asked prior to leaving if I could reduce the amount I would be traveling after Gavin's birth and they seemed to be okay with it. Regardless of how I got the promotion and all that comes with it, I'm still super happy about it because it will put me one step closer to running my own department. 

Boss man is now no longer running the company's largest and most time consuming project and will now be focusing his attention on improving our department.  This was much needed although I'm still a little leery about him being in charge of all of it since he doesn't always seem to know what we do.   At least this will be an opportunity for him to learn if he keeps his mind open.  We now have hired some one to take over the project that I won last years big grant for.  This is an awesome turn of events because work wasn't getting done on it because we didn't have a clear leader for the project and there were way too many people trying to take charge only to the drop the ball on important tasks.  The new hire is amazing and seems brilliant.  I'm kind of hoping I can work on a project with her in the future so I will have time to pick her brain. 

After I left his office, I began returning phone calls.  That's when I got to hear all the good stuff.  Seriously, I'm a little scared to post this right now but I need to get it off my chest.  My manager has been screwing up projects left and right, including ruining the relationship with two of our best clients.  This is partially my bosses fault too because the manager has been overwhelmed with work and was half-assing everything.  My boss also allowed him to be pegged as an architect even though he has never been trained to do architectural work (totally unethical, maybe illegal, by the way).  I wish I could show you some of the sketches he did for this client but it's just too embarrassing.  I will try to verbally paint this picture for you but he was suppose to design an outdoor amphitheater.  All he did was draw four wooden post, a box for a stage, and a triangle on top for a roof.  Gahhhhh!!!  He is about two months behind on each clients projects and the clients are to the point of frustration that they aren't picking up the phone when he calls.  One of our client service managers, who gets us our jobs, pulled me into his office and told me that our four client managers are pushing to place me in charge of all new projects because my (old) manager can't handle it and is pissing too many people off.  They also want me to start going out with them to get new jobs.  I was flattered that I was missed so much yet scared shitless because I have no idea if I can mend all these broken relationships with these clients.  I had good relationships with them in the past but I wonder if they will trust me to correct the situation.  Furthermore, correcting the situation also means stepping on some toes which will get me into hot water again.  I wanted to come back to a positive environment but it's quickly going south and I feel like I just stepped into a war between our department and our client managers. 

By the end of the first day, I had five pages (yes FIVE) of things that need to be done by the end of the week.  A lot of the items listed were things that the manager should have gotten done weeks ago because they are time sensitive.  I think I got these squared away now but I have no idea if I'm going to get the rest done by the end of the week so I can start working on my projects.

Gavin didn't have a good first day either.  The poor guy cried the first six hours he was there.  He also had diarrhea twice covering the daycare worker and himself in poo.  To add insult to injury, on the third diaper change of the day, he peed in the daycare workers face.  Thankfully she has a wonderful sense of humor.  I told her it was how we initiate people into the family.  The second day was the complete opposite.  Gavin was laughing and cooing all day so at least I know things will get better.

Now I get why so many woman rather stay home than be at work.  I feel like I never have time to be with Gavin.  I hate it.  When I pick him up after work, he goes to bed an hour later.  He also sleeps till 5:30 so that only gives me an about an hour and a half to be with him in the morning and I have to get ready for work during that time too.  This sucks.  Seriously, if anyone knows of a rich man who likes funny fat girls and is looking to financially support them, PLEASE send him my way.  I joked around about this to a friend and she told me that maybe Bill Clinton might be interested.  Too funny considering I've been told I look a lot like Monica Lewinski.

Damn I write too much when I'm blogging.  I can't believe anyone reads all my rambling but I appreciate those who do.

Siblings

I know it may be too soon to start thinking about having another child but I've been thinking about it for almost a month already. I promised myself and family members that I would wait until Gavin turned two but I thought I would start laying the ground work by calling the cryogenic facility to make sure Gavin's donor was still available.   I wasn't planning on buying any vials for at least another year but that intention changed within a matter of seconds of making the phone call.  I'm so glad I called when I did because there were only 8 vials left. Was it important that Gavin have a full-blood sibling?  I struggled with it for a day.  I had the money to cover the cost of 6 vials but that would wipe out the majority of my savings account.  I hate the idea of putting Gavin and I at risk for the possiblity of a child that may or maynot exist in the future. However,  after discussing the problem with a couple of friends and family members I decided to bite the bullet and purchase the 6 vials.  I got pregnant with Gavin within two attempts with this donor so hopefully I will have similar luck.  It would be really nice if I could get pregnant on the first try so I would have a couple vials left for a possible third child but I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself by thinking about a third child. 

To cover the shortage in my savings account, I refinanced my car.  I should have refinanced so much sooner because I got a loan that charged 8% less interest.  It's crazy that I now pay almost $100+ dollars less a month and will still pay off my car at the same time. 

I'm going back to work in a week.  To say I'm dreading it is an understatement.  The thought of missing some of Gavin's firsts drives me crazy.  I wished I lived in Canada so that I could stay home a bit longer.  He's really starting to become more fun.  I read him a curious George book the other day and he was just cracking up.  I never thought the idea of being a stay at home mom was appealing but now I totally get it.  I think it's time to start playing the lottery or looking for a rich guy who will want to financially support the two of us :)

I still want to look for another job but I recently resigned my lease for my townhouse and will now have to stay here until July of 2013 unless I want to pay $1400 to break my lease.  I just hope work will be a better environment although now that I wont be able to work extended hours to get projects completed I'm sure there will be alot more pressure on me. 

I don't know if any one has experienced this after they had a child but I feel so much more calm now.  It's like everything in my life has just fallen into place.  I've been working towards having a child for seven years.  I finished school, got a great paying job, paid off my debt,  and set my life up to accomodate raising a child.  And now he's finally here and I just want enjoy every minute of this.  It's strange for me not to have this constant pressure to acheive a goal.  I currently don't have a personal goal.  I'm kind of afraid to create one because I don't want to lose this sense of calmness yet I feel like I won't be a good role model for Gavin if I let my life become stagnant.  I know this may sound strange to some people but that constant drive to succeed has been a part of my identity for so long, if I don't have that drive anymore, who am I?