Monday, May 14, 2012

A Little Judgemental

Yes that is me today. I might be raked over the coals for this post, but I think it needs to be said.

I don't know if others have experience this as well but since I've had Gavin and everyone knows I conceived him using a donor, people ask alot of questions and are rather intrigued by it.  I love that people ask questions.  I know a couple of the older guys around here thought that I had gotten married and didn't tell anyone and a couple more that thought that I had gotten preggo's through a one-night stand.  Since I have been so open about Gavin's conception, many of these rumors were dispelled immediately.

We have a couple of younger girls hired recently and one has been really fascinated with my SMC status.  Although I just met her on Monday, she has told me her life story.  She's a nice girl but her story is starting to become a familiar tale on some of the SMC forums I visit which I find really concerning.  She's in her mid-twenties, just graduated college and in a world of debt and now looking to become a SMC.  I made the mistake of telling her how our insurance makes IUI's a fairly inexpensive procedure which has made her even more determined to go for it.   I don't doubt that she will be a good mother but I really want to talk her out of it.  She has creditors calling for her at work daily so I know she is financially hurting.  She has an old beater of a car that isn't going to make it much longer and she has just moved into her first apartment (with a roommate).  She is barely surviving on her own.  She is in no position to raise a baby on her own.  Furthermore, we all know the chance of conceiving multiples when using fertility treatments. 

Don't get me wrong, I could understand trying to become an SMC in your twenties if you had a medical condition that would affect your fertility if you waited till you were more settled in your life and career.  But to do it because you can.... with little thought of how you are going to support that child is just wrong. I hate to blow her bubble but a baby can't survive soley on love. Granted, at some point in all our lifes we are all likely to hit a rough patch in our lifes that we will have to dig ourselves out of but to start off trying to become a SMC when you already way in the red is just irresponsible.

Is this new trend just a by-product of all of those SMC hollywood movies?  Did they make the life of a SMC look too glamorous?  Do these girls think this is just a gateway to landing a husband?  I'm glad these movies were made because they helped the general public to understand what SMC's are but I don't like the idea that many young women seem to make it the first option if they don't get married by the time they are 25.  Give it time girls, there are still some great men out there!!

She called me over the weekend to ask more questions and I explained to her that I knew I would eventually become a SMC at age 27 if I hadn't met anyone by the time I was 32.  I also made a plan at that point on how to make my life ready to accomodate such a large responsibility.  I feel like she didn't hear a word I said and I am really frustrated by it.  She already has an appointment scheduled with the RE in three weeks to discuss her options and I am terrified by the idea that she is going to go through with this. 

A part of me worries about that unborn child and another part of me selfishly worries about irresponsible, young  SMC's ruining the imagine of what SMC's are today.  Educated, independent professionals that exhausted are options of finding a mate only to decide to wait no longer and take the courageous decision to have a child on our own prior to the demise of our fertility.  If these young girls goes through with the IUI and conceives a chid only to immediately end up on goverment assistance, us SMC's would never hear the end of it.  My worst fear is if there are too many irresponsible SMC's, regardless of age, goverment would begin to prevent single women the opportunity to conceive through the use of IF methods which would be a tragedy.

I shouldn't pick on her because of her age.  I would feel the same way if she was a 40 year old women in the same financial crisis.  Hell, I felt that way about my parents when they decided to purposely get pregnant, not once but twice, when we could barely put food on the table and were bouncing from home to home.  As a child who grew up in poverty, I would never wish it for another child.

Right now I can only hope she really thinks this through.  Contrary to what I've written, I do want to be supportive of her decision but I am just praying that I can get her to see the benefits of waiting until her life is more stable.

gahhh.....I should just change the title of my blog to the Perpetual Rant.


Susan said...

Just remember - plenty of young and impoverished couples get pregnant all the time, with no thought of the future. I've heard about 18 year olds desperately trying to conceive with their boyfriends/fiancees/what-have-you, and it sounds like this is not much different. You might just need to check out of this one, especially since she isn't listening to you. People do dumb things all the time, and there isn't much we can do except offer advice and hope they listen.

Anonymous said...

I understand your concerns... When I was pregnant, I met an SMC and I had really concerns about her choice. She was pregnant and due with a little girl around the same time as me and lived in my neighborhood. Sounds perfect right? NOPE.

She was 39 and had been unemployed for 2 years. So I undertsand trying to beat the bio clock despite being unemployed. But when I mentioned getting 2nd hand stuff etc, she shut me down and said she didn't 'like' used things. then went on and on how her daughter was "had to have" items such a a burberry mini skirt. UGH!

The worse part to me was she said she didn't expect to tell her daughter she was donor concieved becasue she planned to be married byt the time her daughter was old enough to understand and that man would be her "daddy".

After debating about it, I broke off all communication with her. Maninly based on her perception of donor conception. i didn't want ANYONE around my daughter who might make her feel less than because she is donor concieved.

Then last week I ran into her at a grocery store... Still unemployed, on food stamps but has enough money to do more IUI's for a 2nd child. I don't get it!

Anyway, sorry for the long rant in repsonse but I get your point!

Tiara said...

I feel your frustration. I too would hate to see the SMC image tarnished by irresponsible examples, because you know it's those the media would latch onto & exploit.

I don't think there's any way to convince her otherwise tho, by the sounds of it.

Single Mom BB said...

I think what people forget or overlook is that a large part of the SMC community are women who are professionally and financially successful. I understand your concerns and now have the same ones myself for this woman and her future child. She seems to be making a decision on a whim while so many of us spend years thinking & planning (I thought about it for nearly a decade before moving forward).

You are right, I don't mind that she is young, it's the lack of financial stability + young that makes it so frightening.

Obernon, I'm so glad that you cut off communication with that woman. I wouldn't want my daughter exposed to her either.

SurlyMama said...

So having a child is a privilege reserved for the wealthy?

wottadoll said...

I would be concerned, too, more that this woman would have the child and then resent his or her existence later when she does meet that awesome guy and wishes she'd waited (or finds the child a hindrance to future relationships). Despite the fertility issues of waiting, I think it's better to wait until at least 35, preferably 38 (if you have no known issues); certainly as you're coming up on 40 you know for sure the odds of meeting the right guy in time are slim to none. I have some friends in their early 30s who are interested in this path, but I tell them to wait. Because honestly, most people meet someone. It just didn't happen in time for me. Oh well!

Kristina said...

I would feel more concerned if she were unstable emotionally or had an untreated mental illness that affected her ability to be a loving and consistent parent. I agree it might be better for her to wait and get more ducks in a row, but at least she has a job, and in the end it's her life, her choices to make...

Meg said...

I think we each make the best decisions for ourselves. None of us knows what the future brings and the best thought out plans could all go up in smoke tomorrow - including financial security. Every one of us has a different level of comfort with what should be in place before making the leap to becoming a SMC. I say good for her that she knows what she wants so early in the game. I wish I had been brave enough to do this in my 20's instead of wasting all that time.

Gille said...

Age, financial security, the whole SMC image. Loaded post. This kind of irks me. I'll say that to start.

No, you're right. You shouldn't pick on her age. That, more than anything, made this a little...tough to read being that I celebrated my 25th with my 11 day old. Though you mention her age coupled with other issues, I can't help but think that her age wouldn't have been mentioned in the first place if there wasn't a true issue with age even without everything else. Is there?

"Educated, independent professionals that exhausted are options of finding a mate only to decide to wait no longer and take the courageous decision to have a child on our own prior to the demise of our fertility. "

In my opinion, this is an incredibly limiting image of SMCs (though no age is mentioned but seemingly implied). While many do meet these marks, many don't and of those that don't, it should be remembered that that too is a choice and really the only one that holds us all together is that we all made the choice to become single moms.
We don't all search far and wide for a man before deciding to switch gears and have a baby before our clock dings. Some go this way first on purpose. Some decide to put debt on hold to pursue what's important to them knowing their own limitations and plans and that creditors have their contact info. Some of us are young and prefer it that way. Some are older. Some don't work in conventional ways while others find themselves without the finances they prepared for but it is no less courageous when its done without a piece or two to the older, professional, no debt (or rather creditor) having puzzle than when it is.

A woman with a heart-load of love, ability to parent and the desire and motivation to step up and raise a child on her own from the start is the SMC image I stand by. I doubt it was naive of me to think that was the image in the first place.

I think it would be best to back away. Let her decide and assess her own situation in her own time with the advice you've already given since you've made your thoughts on her ability pretty clear. Assuming the worst, of course she should consider things a bit more (we all as single parents should on a consistent basis) but everything else I'm sure she could do without including being talked out of her choice.

Like I said this irks me. I just wanted to write out my jumbled thoughts and add them to mix. Now I'm done with my long writing not just because I'm long-winded but also cause J wont stop trying to sit on the dog.

Isis said...

It sounds to me like your coworker had a lightbulb moment when she learned about the option of becoming a SMC and now she is riding the train of enthusiasm. I don’t see that there is much else you can do now except wait and watch.
As for the recent SMC movies. I actually hate the JLo one. It made every SMC except JLo look like a crazy freak in order to get laughs and to contrast how “normal” JLo was. Surprise, surprise –she was the only one to end up with a man.
What bugs me, though, are two persistent myths about younger Thinkers. (not necessarily from what you’ve said, but from opinions I’ve seen and heard on the internet and in real life). 1. The idea that everyone under 30, or even under 35, has the magical ability to find the perfect guy and all the time in the world to do it. And 2. The idea that you should wait until the window is almost closed before trying – as if everyone knows exactly when that window will be closing. I mean, if it is something you want to do and you know you are ready for it, should you then be required to wait until a minimum age is attained before being allowed to TTC?
Anyway, as another commenter said, we all know our own situations best.