Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Siblings

I know it may be too soon to start thinking about having another child but I've been thinking about it for almost a month already. I promised myself and family members that I would wait until Gavin turned two but I thought I would start laying the ground work by calling the cryogenic facility to make sure Gavin's donor was still available.   I wasn't planning on buying any vials for at least another year but that intention changed within a matter of seconds of making the phone call.  I'm so glad I called when I did because there were only 8 vials left. Was it important that Gavin have a full-blood sibling?  I struggled with it for a day.  I had the money to cover the cost of 6 vials but that would wipe out the majority of my savings account.  I hate the idea of putting Gavin and I at risk for the possiblity of a child that may or maynot exist in the future. However,  after discussing the problem with a couple of friends and family members I decided to bite the bullet and purchase the 6 vials.  I got pregnant with Gavin within two attempts with this donor so hopefully I will have similar luck.  It would be really nice if I could get pregnant on the first try so I would have a couple vials left for a possible third child but I think I'm getting a bit ahead of myself by thinking about a third child. 

To cover the shortage in my savings account, I refinanced my car.  I should have refinanced so much sooner because I got a loan that charged 8% less interest.  It's crazy that I now pay almost $100+ dollars less a month and will still pay off my car at the same time. 

I'm going back to work in a week.  To say I'm dreading it is an understatement.  The thought of missing some of Gavin's firsts drives me crazy.  I wished I lived in Canada so that I could stay home a bit longer.  He's really starting to become more fun.  I read him a curious George book the other day and he was just cracking up.  I never thought the idea of being a stay at home mom was appealing but now I totally get it.  I think it's time to start playing the lottery or looking for a rich guy who will want to financially support the two of us :)

I still want to look for another job but I recently resigned my lease for my townhouse and will now have to stay here until July of 2013 unless I want to pay $1400 to break my lease.  I just hope work will be a better environment although now that I wont be able to work extended hours to get projects completed I'm sure there will be alot more pressure on me. 

I don't know if any one has experienced this after they had a child but I feel so much more calm now.  It's like everything in my life has just fallen into place.  I've been working towards having a child for seven years.  I finished school, got a great paying job, paid off my debt,  and set my life up to accomodate raising a child.  And now he's finally here and I just want enjoy every minute of this.  It's strange for me not to have this constant pressure to acheive a goal.  I currently don't have a personal goal.  I'm kind of afraid to create one because I don't want to lose this sense of calmness yet I feel like I won't be a good role model for Gavin if I let my life become stagnant.  I know this may sound strange to some people but that constant drive to succeed has been a part of my identity for so long, if I don't have that drive anymore, who am I?

6 comments:

obernon said...

Good luck back at work!!

I agree I definitely don't sweat the small stuff as much anymore! Having Elsie in my life put a whole new perspective on what is "big" and what is "small".

One of the nice things about being a working mom... Coming home. So many nights, I come home dragging, thinking there is no way I can do it. And then Elsie smiles, laughs and we play together and the hard day melts away.

Tiara said...

I know what you mean about the calmness...I feel like I am finally doing what I should be, what I was meant to be doing.

Good luck going back to work, it's hard & I am truly & deeply grateful to be Canadian & able to have stayed home with Elena for a year.

I'm glad you bit the bullet & ordered your donor's vials. As you know, this is something I have been struggling with & I really wish I had the option of buying more of Elena's donor. It's been a very difficult decision to make. I grew up with my brother & value our relationship deeply & wonder how Elena will fair being an only child.

Ali said...

Thanks for the reminder, I've been meaning to check and see if my donor has a bunch of vials left or not!

R said...

Sounds like all is going well. I love that you're feeling so calm and that you just know that this is what you're meant to be doing. I wish I felt so sure! I'm not regretting it, but it's just so scary and still so surreal right now. Maybe when the baby comes it'll be different. I'm glad you ordered the vials. I'm sure that brought with it some peace of mind, just knowing that they're there when and if you're ready to use them.

Good luck going back to work!

Shannon said...

Good luck going back to work! It's so unfair to have such little time to spend with them right after they're born.

That's great that you were able to get 6 vials - I think you made the absolutely right decision.

Single Mom BB said...

I hate that you have to go back to work, really. But selfishly, I've missed your stories about the idiots that you work with (LOL). Your priorities are in place now so I expect it will be easier for you to leave work at work.

As for personal goals, give yourself time. You'll get there. For now, balancing Gavin and going back to work and just figuring it all out, that's enough of a personal goal.