Saturday, April 2, 2011

It's Definintely Over

The flood gates opened yesterday morning. It was just painful to call the RE's office for a second time in one week to tell them that I am CD 1. This failure of a cycle has really put me into a funk. I know now that I am definitely experiencing some form of depression. I just can't shake the feeling that this may not ever work out for me. The number 3 keeps jumping out at me. Doc B said if it didn't work within three tries it may never work and that I would need move on to IVF, if its an option I could financially handle. This is what he said to me a year ago, before I started my first IUI cycle.

I don't want to talk to family and friends about all this. My friend S has been trying for about a 8 yrs now (without the help of a physician) so I feel bad whining to her about this. My parents and my overly fertile sister will just say that I'm only 33 and I have plenty of time. I just feel alone in my misery.

I have all these questions that are swirling around my head. Was there an embryo? Did it just not implant? Is my progesterone just to low? What's going on?

When I spoke to the nurse yesterday, I asked her if they could mess with my cycle to make me have a CD 1 a week later than normal so I can try again in June instead of August. They said yes and gave me bcps that I can start this weekend. A part of me wants to try as soon as possible but another part of me just wants to wait until august. At least I have either option available now.

To keep my mind off of things I made a promise to myself that I would lose 10lbs and put $2k in my savings before I try another cycle. I hope this will give me something else to obsess over and make me rise above my sadness.


Kristina said...

Sorry to hear this cycle is over. Sending a virtual hug. I know what you mean about having something to obsess over. I actually have been focused on losing weight and dating stuff and now that my trip and brother's wedding is over and dating stuff is up in air, I feel lost. Really want to be ttc. I think it makes a difference to feel like we are doing something measurable to move toward our goal. Sorry for never ending comment but also wanted to say you deserve to have someone to talk to about this! I hope your sister can find more compassion for you.

Meg said...

I'm so sorry. It's just so hard to keep trying and not have it work. Goofy cycles that give a glimmer of hope make it even worse.

I'm of coure not a doctor (nor do I play one on TV or the internet) but I don't think I agree with your RE that 3 is the magic number. #4 or even 5 could work just as easliy as 1,2 or 3. Do you think a second opinion would make a difference?

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry. I know how overwhelmingly disappointing a BFN is, but it's got to be even worse with how confusing your cycle was this month, and how long it's taken you to get these 3 tries in.

I agree with Meg, I don't think that 3 is the magic number, either, not at your age. With my borderline FSH and low AMH and follicle counts, my RE had said that 3-4 IUIs was reasonable to try before IVF. Before we got those lab results, though, he had recommended 2-3 unmedicated IUIs, and then going on to being more aggressive.

Don't give up hope! And I'm so glad they're going to give you BCPs, so that you don't have to wait until August for your next try!

A Shadow of My Former Self said...

Don't throw in the towel yet. Sometimes it helps to remember that doctors use statistics as a point of reference. Those stats don't fit every woman. I think 3 is such a random number and sets one up for such despair when it doesn't work by then. Your plan sounds great...regroup, refocus and come back at it stronger. Best wishes to you!

lostintranslation said...

I'm really sorry for your BFN. I had 6 failed IUIs and I sometimes wish my RE had made a remark like yours did - I would have switched to IVF sooner. But I wasn't ready emotionally then so I continued with IUI (also because he said there were no indications why it wouldn't work... yeah, well, that's what happens with unexplained infertility I guess). But having said that, don't give up hope. I also know of someone who got pregnant with IUI#7! Hang in there...

Billy said...

Again, sorry this cycle didn't work.
Wanted to comment on what the dr said. Unless you have some medical issue or something, it takes on average 6 attempts in order to succeed. Six! and that's average, so one will do it in three and another in 9 etc. I really don't understand why a dr would make you think you have 3 attempts to succeed.