Finally Have a Reason for a Widget

I know it sounds crazy but I have always wanted that silly widget on my blog, but of course I never had a reason to have one until now. I actually have been a little jealous of my fellow bloggers that had that damn widget on their blog. I'm looking at it now and thinking it just looks a little creepy. I'm sure it will become "cuter" looking in a couple of weeks but right now it just looks...a little sick. Yes, I understand that this is what my little one looks like right now but it's current appearance doesn't look as .. "cuddly" as I thought it would be.

Well anyways, I'm going to try out the new widget for a couple of days. Will it stay or will it go? I don't know.

18dpiui Beta #2

300!! It nearly tripled!! I want to just jump up and down but I don't want the baby(ies) to drop out (haha, jk).

I went to Michaels craft store yesterday and bought two picture frames that have an area for a babies foot print and picture and wrote "Baby ___, coming soon, March 3, 2012". I also went to babies"r"us and bought two bibs saying I love my grandma/I love my grandpa. I'm going to wrap them up tonight, along with my parents mothers/fathers day present (I know they are incredibly late but I like to give their presents in person) and give the presents to my parents on friday. I can't wait to see their faces!!

My first ultrasound is scheduled on July 6th. I'm just so in shock, words cannot explain. A month ago, I was seriously questioning if I would ever get pregnant and here I am. I am just praying that this all ends with a wonderfull outcome. I guess people are right, you never stop worrying.

Isn't It Too Soon To Be This Sick? (4w3d)

Granted, I have been having some symptoms for over a week but today was the first day were I seriously wanted to throw up or passout. If I do any sudden movements, I get dizzy or nauseous... or both. I'm grateful to have this problem but I am a little concerned that if this gets worse than what it is now, its going to make working much harder. I thought I wouldn't feel this way until at least week 6! Anyone else out there who has had morning sickness this early?

Latest symptoms to add to the previous list:
-the shakes
-feeling like I'm running a fever
-feeling like my head weighs 200lbs
-dizzy/faint
-nausea
-headaches
-I feel like I have a gallon of water in my mouth
-constant beltching

My fellow co-worker who went through IVF gave me some ginger tea which she got from the local chinese grocery store and it seemed to help with the nausea. On a side note, my co-worker had her first ultrasound at 6 1/2 weeks and it showed just one sac and one heartbeat. Her twelve week ultrasound on monday showed she is having twins! I am so excited for her!

Beta #2 is tomorrow!

Beta 1 (16dpiui)

117!!!

That's a nice solid number. I go in for my second beta on wednesday. DBL baby DBL!!

I'm Pregnant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels so weird typing those words in my title but it is so very true. I took a test yesterday and there was no doubt that there was a second line. Its dark!!

The funny thing about the timing of this positive hpt, last weekend I finally broke down and went clothes shopping. I haven't really bought much of anything in the last year and half and all my clothes where getting so shabby looking. I spent most of my afternoon returning clothes and it felt so good!!

I still haven't told anyone yet. I want to wait until I can tell my parents in person. Thankfully they are coming to town this weekend. I'm trying to figure out a fun way to tell them so if you have any suggestions I will gladly take them!

I go in for my beta tomorrow morning. I can't believe I'm actually going in for a beta!! I've never made it this far before.

2nd post 13dpiui - What is That? (Cliffhanger)

I went home for lunch and when I went into the bathroom I noticed that I had left the hpt test I took this morning on the counter. I just took a quick glance at it and then started to look away when it dawned on me that it didn't look like it did this morning. I looked back and there was the faintest pink line. I didn't have to pick it up to see it in a certain light. It was just....there. I can't put into words all that I am thinking (and doubting) right now. Is it an evaporation line? Why didn't it show with in the few minutes I spent staring at it this morning? I know I did not stick around for the full 5 minutes the direction recommended (Probably just 3 minutes). On previous tests(same brand), I saw the evap line but it never had color to it. OMG! Is this real or am I dreaming?

I want to retest so badly, but that was my last test in the house and I didn't have time to run to the store on my lunch break to buy more. Now I'm back at work again and driving myself nuts just thinking about it. I'm so tempted to tell my boss I'm sick so I can go home and poas but I'm also afraid to waste sick time on what could potentially show up as another bfn.

13dpiui - Status Quo

Another BFN this morning but I still feel the same. My sinuses burn and the pain has been radiating into my ears.

Still having some crazy-ass dreams. Last night I dreamt that Oprah was managing my restaurant and didn't know how to handle running the restaurant and she kept doing her crazy laugh while waving her bingo wings (flabby arms) while I'm yelling at her to stop and do her job. The night before that I dreamt that Rob Williams was hanging out with my co-worker and they were having a "Whose the Hairiest" contest and my co-worker won! Monday night I dreamt my drunk uncle picked me up from k-mart (I don't even shop there and my uncle doesn't drink) and we began speeding down a hill until we crashed into an elephant. I flew threw the window and died. Damn elephant. What the hell is up with these weird-ass dreams??? I don't recall ever having these kind of dreams in other cycles. Could it really still be the meds?

12dpiui

BFN on this mornings HPT but I'm not willing to give up yet. Same symptoms (or phantom symptoms) as the previous days but I also notice a new one. I noticed it yesterday and thought I might be brushing to hard but my gums have been bleeding. I really don't have any cramping just a weird sensation of stretching. At this point in my cycle, I am normally cramping and spotting. I am hoping I'm not making a mountain out of ant hill.

Sprout, my cycle twin, I absolutely agree. After I blog, I go to your site and laugh because it always seems like we are the exact same page! Hang in there!

Monday's beta cannot come fast enough!

11dpiui

Do you remember that whole statement about not testing early and not obsessing about symptoms? Yeah, I'm failing miserably but this time around it hasn't been so stressful, just a little exciting. I haven't spotted since saturday, which has been an huge releif. But I have noticed some changes that I hope are a good indication that I am pregnant:

Symptom#1:

Around mid-day on Monday, I was knocked down by this intense feeling of exhaustion which has continued throughout this week so far. It reminds me of how I felt when I had mono. After work, I've been going straight to bed for an hour long nap only to return back to bed by nine. Even though I'm so exhausted, I've been waking up at the sound of any little noise. I thinking the worst part is I'm also having these intensely violent dreams. They are so vivid, I feel like they are actually happening. I can't tell you how many times in the last week I've been murdered!

Symptom #2:
I have been experiening the worst burning, itchy, dry eyes since sunday. I can't even wear my contacts. I also noticed that I'm having a hard time reading small print, but this seems to come and go. It's strange that my eyesight would change, it's not a significant change but still noticeable.

Symptom #3
My sinuses have been really acting up since monday. It feels like I have the beginning of a sinus infection. I am so stuffed up when I wake up in the morning, it's hard to breathe. I also noticed a significant amount of drainage in my throat, which is just iritating.

I took the plunge and took a hpt this morning and it was negative but I just have the feeling that this just has to be it. I know you must think I'm a little coo-coo, but I never felt this way during previous cycles.

Still crossing my fingers!

Deja Vu (8dpiui)

I'm getting concerned that this cycle will be a carbon copy of last cycle. I had some horrific cramping early yesterday (7dpiui). Throughout the rest of the day, I notice some pinkish colored CM. It stopped this morning, which was a relief, however this is exactly how the downward spiral began last cycle. The only difference is I began bleeding at 11dpiui in that cycle. I keep telling myself it's a sign of implantation and am trying to keep myself from thinking that this cycle is over, but I've seen that BFN so many times its hard not to just assume. I actually considered going out with a couple of friends for margarita's but that would be admitting total defeat so I talked them into a movie instead.

I know early bleeding can occur due to low progesterone so I took an HPT this morning assuming that I would see a positive sign because the HCG shot I took thursday night should still be in my system but I got a negative which makes me wonder if my body just processes the HCG quickly. I'm afraid this also might mean that my progesterone is really low.

I finally figured out who I worked with that was also going through IF treatments. After 4 failed IUI's and one successful IVF, she is finally 11 weeks pregnant. We sat and talked about her journey for over an hour. It was interesting to finally meet someone in the flesh who knew exactly what I have been going through. She gave me hope. While my RE said the IVF procedure would be over $10,000 (if I remember correctly) her RE only charged $6000 for the procedure + 2000 for the meds. She even offered to donate her left over medication which I thought was great, but I am still hoping I will not have to get to that point.

I just wish my mind could be still.

Progesterone Check (And a moment to vent)

I have surprisingly had very few symptoms from the HCG shot this time around, just some tender tatas. The ultrasound revealed I have a large 6.5 cm cyst on my left ovary which is close to the threshold where they will not allow me to take the next HCG booster. I haven't heard what my progesterone level is yet which has me a little concerned but I will deal with it when it comes.

I think the odd thing is, I'm not as emotional as I was last cycle. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining! Of course once you read what is below, you might think that I'm being an utter bitch. Maybe so.

Manager is back to his same antics. I'm sure I posted this previously, but he I've been given more duties in the last few weeks and he has gotten pretty jealous over it. The latest drama involves him taking two weeks to do a half page handout, which is flat out ridiculous. I didn't say anything, he will have to answer for it when our budget is blown however when he showed me what the handout looked like, it took me a second to compose myself. I'm a firm believer in mixing up comments, giving a few good comments with a few bad. "The back of the handout is pretty good, just a few small gramatical errors" "I'm not sure of the front of the brochure though, the pictures are ok but I think the words do not accurately represent what we are trying to acheive, maybe we just need to reword it bit" I thought I said it rather diplomatically, maybe I'm wrong. You tell me.

Seriously, it looked like a 8 year old wrote the front page of this thing and added a collage. The pictures were of buildings only. No people. No rural areas. Just downtown buildings. Boring. It looks like a real estate brochure. The handout was full of broad sweeping statements that explained nothing. "Our project will give people equal opportunity". (Yes that was the whole sentence) Opportunity for what? Does world peace fit in here (sarcasm)? "People will understand their surroundings" This isn't an educational project, we aren't taking people on a tour of the city. We are working on a plan for the city to improve housing, transportation and the economy. I understand the need to not talk as a planner would talk, but in a way that relates to a regular joe. However, I also believe if you make broad, unclear statements, people will make up their own meanings which may not be inline with what you invisioned.

I swear he looked at me like I just told him his mom was ugly. He got that look in his face, tensed up, and got really quiet and said "fine" and stormed off. I sent him an email a couple hours later just saying that I noticed he seemed a little upset about my comments and that I hope he doesn't take it personally, I'm just trying to make sure we are sending out a quality product that accurately represents our project. Within minutes he came over ready to argue. He was so sure of himself and his view but as soon as I pointed to the fact that what he wrote had nothing to do with the project, and then provided our scope of work, he just walked away, pouting and defeated. He has not said barely a word to me since then.

It's just so damn childish! If he didn't want my opinion and wasn't willing to hear the answer, good or bad, he shouldn't have asked. I think what makes me more upset is how immature he is acting about it. Man UP!! It's not like I told him, in the beginning of this drama, that he is the worst writer in the world or he doesn't know how to do his job. The fact is he can do his job, he just doesn't do other peoples job well and shouldn't pretend that he can. He's so unwilling to learn from others, it drives me nuts. I sometimes wonder who is the girl in this situation, him or me. I know that is a mean statement, but I think he is being WAY over sensitive about this.

I secretely went to our marketing department and showed them his handout. Their reaction was about the same as mine. I just asked if they could help correct it, keeping the basic bones of the document so there wasn't that drastic of a change. I also asked them to not indicate that I had brought it to their attention, which they agreed too. I keep hearing the manager complain about the changes but funny enough, everyone else in the department loves the new version and they keep complementing him on it. The complements still don't make him happy.

Thank you for letting me vent blogoshpere! I feel better already. First beta will be on June 27th. Hoping I make it that far!

Cycle 4, IUI #2: Drive By Knock Up

I swear this mornings IUI must have been the easy thing I have ever gone through. She told me to lay back and put my feet in the stirrups and less than one minute later, the deed was done. Wham, Bam, Thank You Mam. The only thing I felt was the sponge. By the way, I hate that damn sponge. The nurses never seem to get it in right and I always feel like I need to go back in and readjust it.

So now I'm on to my 2ww. I have a progesterone check on thursday and then my Beta test will probably be scheduled on Friday the 1st (CD 33). I will be stunned if I make it that far. My parents will be visiting that weekend, and in a perfect world, I would love for them to go to the first ultrasound but I have a feeling that I'm jumping a little to far ahead in the game. Crossing my fingers.

Good Luck Sprout on your 2ww!!

I Blogged Too Soon (Cycle 4 IUI#1)

After my last post, I received a phone call from the RE's office saying that although my follicle count looked amazing, my LH levels were on the rise and it looked like we needed to intervene quickly. I raced to the RE's office and they gave me a shot of Cetrotide. I was instructed to take another dose of Gonal-f that night and the next morning. I left the office feeling like it was all going to work and I was still feel that this was going to be THE Cycle.

The next morning I noticed (TMI alert) my cervical mucous changed which really freaked me out. I called the RE's office and asked if I could get an ultrasound done prior to my scheduled IUI's to make sure I haven't ovulated. The nurse who is normally really nice, told me that it wouldn't be necessary but maybe they could do some bloodwork to check my LH instead. She was kind of short with me. I don't want to be a nuissance or be overly paranoid, but I have a lot riding on this cycle and I would hate to piss another cycle away.

After consulting with the doctor, they decided to schedule me for an ultrasound this morning, prior to my first IUI. Of course the ultrasound showed that I hadn't ovulated and this was all in my head. What the first nurse should have told me when giving me the cetrotide was that it often messes with your system and you can often see CM changes within a few hours after taking the medication. I was still apologetic because I think I looked like a lunatic. The ultrasound showed four large follicles on the right 20,20,19 and 17, while the left had a number of smaller follicles measuring between 10 and 14mm.

The IUI went on without any problems or cramping. I'm scheduled for the next one (and hopefully the last one) tomorrow morning. 2ww here I come!

I Think This is Going To Be The One

I know I may look back on this post in a month and think "Damn I look like a total ass" but I do think this is going to be THE cycle. I had my first monitoring ultrasound which showed that I am having an outstanding response to medication this cycle. Normally at the five day mark I would have one or two follicles total measuring around 10 or 11mm. Not this time, folks. Think Big! Four on the right ovary measuring 17, 16, 15 and 13. On the left ovary I have two follicles measuring 11mm and 10mm. Almost immediately after the nurse inserted the evil wand she flipped the screen around to face me and said WOW. I think my jaw was on the floor the rest of the appointment.

Following the ultrasound the nurse began telling me that they most likely will still continue with medication for a day or so. She warned me that with this great response, my risk of multiples increase. She also began discussing the possiblity of putting in a circlage at my 9th week of pregnancy because of my increase risk of cervical incompetence caused by previous leeps. I'm still flaberghasted that she began talking about pregnancy related issues prior to me getting a positive HPT. The way she talked about it like it was a done deal has really convinced me this is The ONE.

I am just grinning ear to ear today and I honestly cannot focus on a damn thing. It can be a dangerous thing to be so convinced that this is going to work. I could be just on the cusped of being the happiest woman ever or on the brink of total depression depending on what that HPT says in 2 to three weeks.

New Day, New Perspective

Man, yesterday I was a hot mess!! Sorry blogoshpere for releasing all of my negative energy on you!

I was just having one of those days where if anything else happened I would need to be put into a straight jacket. The FSA issue finally got worked out 15 minutes before the fedex guy was expected to arrive at the cryogenics facility. Thankfully, the facility had my package ready to go and it will still arrive on time. Again, I love International Cryogenics (and I am not being paid to say that).

My hormone levels where slightly off but the RE seems to be attributing it to the birth control pills. Don't know why, and I surprisingly don't care. I start my gonal-f dosage of 225 tonight and have my next appointment on Wednesday the 8th. Like last cycle I am vowing to not take hpt's early and I am going to try my hardest to not obsess about every twinge and cramp. I am going to attempt to not be overly emotional but I know there will be times where I will still want to hug people one second and rip their faces off the next (watch out people!!).

I planned to take a month off of work from my second job but because my cycle began two weeks early, it looks like I will have to work this weekend and possibly the next. It kind of blows but hopefully I will have a reason in a couple weeks to devote this money to my maternity leave fund!! Have a great weekend everyone!

Sorry, No Sunshine and Lollipops Here

As I have said before, I am now on my 4th period in two months. I mentioned it to the nurse on the phone when I schedules my baseline ultrasound and she didn't seem very concerned about it. This all changed after they did my ultrasound this morning when I mentioned it again. The nurse said they might want to check my estroidal level before continuing on but she needed to talk to the doctor. I was still pretty calm at this point until she came back and said the doctor wanted to do a complete blood panel like the one I did when I first came to the RE's office a year ago. Why does my mind always drift to such a dark place? I instantly began thinking all sorts of horrible things like I've got cancer again, my thyroid is failing, my ovarian reserve is completely depleted, blah blah blah blah. To add to the drama they said my infectious disease lab work has expired and they need to do more bloodwork and a couple of cultures. GAHHH. The ultrasound revealed that I have two cysts, one on each ovary but none of them are so big that it would affect me from proceeding with the next cycle. I am still waiting for the results of the bloodwork which may not come back until this afternoon or tomorrow. I am so nervous that they are going to come back and say I need more medication because my insurance will no longer cover any fertility related medication. The wait is killing me!!

And then there was the FSA drama:

Since my insurance begins its new coverage year on June 1st, I knew I need to pay my deductable so I handed the receptionist my Flex-savings card (form of a health savings account). She returned back a few minutes later saying the card was declined. I couldn't believe it because I took the max this year of $2500 and work promised me it would all be on the card by June 1st. Then it hit me, I purchased a few vials of my swim team yesterday with a requested delivery date of Monday and I bet that transaction wasn't going to go through either. I called my HR lady immediately from the RE's office. She told me that the company we are contracting with for the FSA cards have not loaded the debit cards yet and they are thinking that it could still be a day or two longer.

Approximately five minutes after we called the FSA company, the cryogenics facility called and said they couldn't get the FSA card to go through. International Cryogenics is awesome!! I explained the situaion and they said as long as the issue gets resolved by 3pm they can still ship it for arrival on Monday. If I can't get it resolved with the FSA company they said they would work out an arrangement. I'm not sure what that means but it still made me feel alot better than the idea of having to completely cancel this cycle because the stupid FSA company can't do their job.

Then work get's shitty:

Everything has been going so well between my manager and I but we began to backslide the last few weeks. We started this major project that I have been actively involved in since we won the grant for it back in October. The manager has admitted that he is very jealous that I have been playing an important role in the project and that I've been getting alot of attention for it while he feels like he is just standing on the sidelines.

Last week we were at a meeting with four other key members of the project and they gave me a list of things that needed to be accomplished in the next few weeks. Most importantly, devising a branding message that we are going to use for the plan. I'm a planner, not a marketer and although I had some ideas of what could make a great branding message, I know that this is not my forte. My plan was to go directly to are marketing department and work with them on this task. As we were wrapping up the meeting I noticed the manager looked upset (seriously, he looked like he was going to cry). After the meeting I followed him into his office and asked him if he was okay. He again said he was mad that I got all the work and upper management didn't ask him to do anything. Then he stated that he had taken a class on branding which makes him the more qualified person to do the work than me (hmmm, okay). Now I've taken some anatomy classes, but I dont consider myself a doctor. I am truly trying to make things go smoothly between us and I already had a full-plate of work before I went into the meeting so I offered the branding task to him. He said he wasn't doing anything and that he would definitely get it done. I made it clear we needed to have this done by May 31st. What does the clown do? His idea of branding was to take a logo he found off the internet and change the colors!! On Tuesday morning I asked what the status of the branding message was and he said he had picked out a logo. Great!! What is the name you chose for the plan?? Manager "I didn't pick out a name". Umm, I confused so you didn't come up with a name for the product but you have a logo??? Manager "well, I designed a symbol" Truth betold, changing colors on someonelses logo is not designing buddy, that's kind of stealing in my book. The worst part about it is he blew 4 days of our budget on BS. (I'm pissed, can you tell?).

Thank god he left town for a conference for the rest of the week because I could honestly rip that guys face off right now. I just ended up doing what I should have done in the first place and marched my butt down to the marketing department. We worked together for a day and came up with a brilliant brandng message that is memorable and something that everyone could agree on. I have a feeling when he comes back and sees that I completely threw out his "design" he is going to be upset with me but seriously I don't care anymore. Just knowing how vindicative he has been in the past, it would not surprise me that he was just trying to set me up to look like a fool, but the joke is on him this time. Suck it buddy!!