I finally made the commitment to start trying again and know I can afford to start at the end of March but it seems so far away! Why can't I just magically receive $1000 now so I can get this show back on the road? Maybe the tax man will be good to me this year.
The anticipation is slowly starting to get to me. I keep finding myself on the baby center website oohing and aahing at all the birth anouncements and reading the newest post on the SMC-trying webpage when I should be focusing on work.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Back from Vacation
The cruise was exactly what I needed. From beginning to end, the trip was great. Great weather, great food, great islands. I absolutely loved the serenity deck they had on the ship. I especially loved the fact that I didn't need to fight for a lounge chair during the at-sea-days. The best island was San Juan, PR. I would move there in a heartbeat. We did an excursion through the rainforest and then headed back into Old San Juan which was absolutely gorgeous. I'm glad I saw Grand Turk and Nassau but I'm not sure I would ever want to go back.
We had so much fun we are already planning the next one. Unfortunately for my parents, they want to go next year around the same time, however, I am hoping to try for a baby again at the end of March which would put my due date around New Years and there is no way I can take a newborn on a cruise. Maybe when the baby is a few months older. Lets see how that all plays out. (Notice the positive thinking, haha, I really hope this IUI works this time!)
Just a few more weeks and I can order some swimmers!
We had so much fun we are already planning the next one. Unfortunately for my parents, they want to go next year around the same time, however, I am hoping to try for a baby again at the end of March which would put my due date around New Years and there is no way I can take a newborn on a cruise. Maybe when the baby is a few months older. Lets see how that all plays out. (Notice the positive thinking, haha, I really hope this IUI works this time!)
Just a few more weeks and I can order some swimmers!
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Absolute Madness
How is it that a few days before leaving for vacation, my workload suddenly quadruples? Our marketing lady decided I did such a great job on the grant application that I won in October that I should do another one, this time for 8 million. Oh, and I have 1 day and half instead of the three hellish weeks I got for the last application. haha. Is she bleepin' crazy? Looks like I'm spending the next two nights here.
I decided to get some balls and reminded her that I wasn't willing to cancel my vacation and that I WILL be leaving here no later than 8am on Saturday for my 16 hour drive to Miami and I WILL have a full nights worth of sleep before I leave.
I hate it that she doesn't read the requirements for the proposal enough to realize this requires much more time to prepare. I feel bad for the client because there is no flipping way they are going to get a high-end proposal to submit with this type of time crunch. There are so many other high priority projects going on here right now, I can't even get anyone to help me out. Yes, my office is one stressful place this month.
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.
However, in 3 days I will be laying on the beach somewhere, sipping on pina coladas, man watching, and relaxing. All of this nonsense will be miles away. I can hear the waves already. ahhh.
Yesterday, I checked to make sure my first pick donor was still available and he has plenty of vials left. I have my big purchase marked on my calender for Feb. 18th, one week after my follow-up appointment with the gyno. I can't wait to be back in the game!
I decided to get some balls and reminded her that I wasn't willing to cancel my vacation and that I WILL be leaving here no later than 8am on Saturday for my 16 hour drive to Miami and I WILL have a full nights worth of sleep before I leave.
I hate it that she doesn't read the requirements for the proposal enough to realize this requires much more time to prepare. I feel bad for the client because there is no flipping way they are going to get a high-end proposal to submit with this type of time crunch. There are so many other high priority projects going on here right now, I can't even get anyone to help me out. Yes, my office is one stressful place this month.
I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.
However, in 3 days I will be laying on the beach somewhere, sipping on pina coladas, man watching, and relaxing. All of this nonsense will be miles away. I can hear the waves already. ahhh.
Yesterday, I checked to make sure my first pick donor was still available and he has plenty of vials left. I have my big purchase marked on my calender for Feb. 18th, one week after my follow-up appointment with the gyno. I can't wait to be back in the game!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Untitled
We were watching Eat,Pray,Love on New Years day (great book, movie not-so-much) and in the movie Liz and her friends are around a table discussing what is the best single word that describes themselves. I remember reading this scene in the book and being driven to sheer panic because I couldn't find THAT one word. I think over the years I realized I'm not just one word, and it's OK. Unfortunately, I'm not so sure what my word(s) is/are. I guess it depends on the day. Indecisive, driven, ballsy, shy, ditsy, genius, arrogant, bossy, generous, lonely, sunshine. I realize I'm a walking contradiction. Hmm, maybe that should be my word. I guess for right now I'll go back to being untitled.
Christmas and New Years went really well. It was great spending time with the family and friends especially my friend C. who ended up having her baby on New Years day (Not the first baby of the New Year, so no free baby gear).
New years resolution:
Don't try to lose weight (Although I definitely need too);
stop playing on the internet while at work (failing miserably at it today);
pay off my car;
and finally get knocked up!
Here's to a Great New Year :)
Christmas and New Years went really well. It was great spending time with the family and friends especially my friend C. who ended up having her baby on New Years day (Not the first baby of the New Year, so no free baby gear).
New years resolution:
Don't try to lose weight (Although I definitely need too);
stop playing on the internet while at work (failing miserably at it today);
pay off my car;
and finally get knocked up!
Here's to a Great New Year :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Santa's Coming!
I am SO ready for xmas! Er, well I still have two presents to take care of but for the most part, I'm ready. Ready to spend time with family and friends. Ready to start baking desserts and xmas dinner. Ready for a glass of wine (or two).
Looking back I really thought this might be a "baby's first xmas" but that of course will not occur. It makes me sad. I only tried twice and I know I need a couple more attempts under my belt before I should give up all hope. I still struggle with my fears; do I have enough time for a child? Can afford this? How will this affect my job and my relationship with family and friends?
I can still walkaway from this.
But I won't.
I still have a closet full of baby items that I purchased during my naive days. The days were I felt invinsible. Man I feel so stupid for doing that, I just was so sure it was going to happen...fast. You live and learn I guess. So new goals have been put in place. Next year I will have a baby on the way and that is that. Just hoping I wont have to repeat this type of statement next year.
++++
I still couldn't get into the gyno any earlier so I made a visit to my internist. I do have a small abdominal mass. He thinks it just a large ovarian cyst. No explanation for the quivering sensation I feel in the area. No explantion for the feeling like I've done a hundered sit-ups and my abdominal muscles are sore. It's bizzare. I had a large ovarian cyst in June, and I don't recall feeling like this.
I guess I'm just going to go with the flo and enjoy the holidays.
I hope everyone has a great christmas!
Looking back I really thought this might be a "baby's first xmas" but that of course will not occur. It makes me sad. I only tried twice and I know I need a couple more attempts under my belt before I should give up all hope. I still struggle with my fears; do I have enough time for a child? Can afford this? How will this affect my job and my relationship with family and friends?
I can still walkaway from this.
But I won't.
I still have a closet full of baby items that I purchased during my naive days. The days were I felt invinsible. Man I feel so stupid for doing that, I just was so sure it was going to happen...fast. You live and learn I guess. So new goals have been put in place. Next year I will have a baby on the way and that is that. Just hoping I wont have to repeat this type of statement next year.
++++
I still couldn't get into the gyno any earlier so I made a visit to my internist. I do have a small abdominal mass. He thinks it just a large ovarian cyst. No explanation for the quivering sensation I feel in the area. No explantion for the feeling like I've done a hundered sit-ups and my abdominal muscles are sore. It's bizzare. I had a large ovarian cyst in June, and I don't recall feeling like this.
I guess I'm just going to go with the flo and enjoy the holidays.
I hope everyone has a great christmas!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Keeping My Distance
The boss's party went well last night. Thankfully there was enough attendees to where an extra dinner table was needed so I chose to sat there away from the supervisor. I did make some genuine attempts to make conversation with him. I still stupidly hope I can get him to trust me enough to lessen his jealousy issues.
One of my co-worker and his wife brought their beautiful 2wk old baby boy to dinner. Another co-worker's wife just had their fourth child so the two ladies spent the most of the night discussing the birthing process and sharing parenting tips. I participated in the conversation and rather enjoyed hearing all the details.
The couple with the new baby are very aware of my efforts to become a mom. I think it was also very clear at dinner, after 2 glasses of wine, that I am not pregnant. As I was getting ready to depart from the party, the couple stopped me and apologized for dominating the conversation with baby talk. Although I appreciate their concern, I felt awful that they felt the need to apologize for showing their happiness over this new addition to the family. I really am super happy for them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah, but I don't want to be that selfish person that sucks the fun out of everything.
And now this is when you all are going to think I have lost my damn mind. In the last few weeks my mind has started to play tricks on me. My last IUI was in August. At the end of the 2ww, I got my period and have had it regularly since then, however the last two have included much more cramping but have been incredibly light. I really didn't put any thought into it but last week I started to get some unusual cramping and midmonth spotting. I've never had that before. The last two weeks I've also been feeling alot of fluttering sensations to what feels like constant gas bubbles in my lower pelvic region (I've never noticed that I have had this much activity going on in my abdomen). Although I've drastically changed my eating habits in the last four months I've only lost 8lbs and yet my pants have gotten tighter in the mid section to the point where I needed to go up a pant size. As I calculate all of this up, I started to wonder if that last IUI took after all (My head is playing games with me I swear). Half joking around about it to my mother, she reminds me that she had her period through out her pregnancy with my younger brother and that she didn't realize she was pregnant till she was four months along. What???? Please do not let me be the woman who is 5 months along and didn't know. I kind of freaked out Sunday night and took a home pregnancy test but it was negative. I actually breathed a sigh of relieve when I saw the results. I was on some pretty intense medication from the end of August to the end of October due to a lung infection which progressed into pneumonia. On top of that I've had a couple nights where I went out with friends for drinks.
With that idea out of the way, I've kind of started to panic about the development of a crazy large fibroid. With all the hormones I was given for the IUI, would that cause fibroid to grow? I plan on scheduling an appointment with my gyno in the upcoming weeks to get some of my questions answered. I really just hope my mind and body are playing tricks on me and there is nothing going on. I'd hate to have to go through surgery to get fibroids removed before I move on to the next IUI.
One of my co-worker and his wife brought their beautiful 2wk old baby boy to dinner. Another co-worker's wife just had their fourth child so the two ladies spent the most of the night discussing the birthing process and sharing parenting tips. I participated in the conversation and rather enjoyed hearing all the details.
The couple with the new baby are very aware of my efforts to become a mom. I think it was also very clear at dinner, after 2 glasses of wine, that I am not pregnant. As I was getting ready to depart from the party, the couple stopped me and apologized for dominating the conversation with baby talk. Although I appreciate their concern, I felt awful that they felt the need to apologize for showing their happiness over this new addition to the family. I really am super happy for them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah, but I don't want to be that selfish person that sucks the fun out of everything.
And now this is when you all are going to think I have lost my damn mind. In the last few weeks my mind has started to play tricks on me. My last IUI was in August. At the end of the 2ww, I got my period and have had it regularly since then, however the last two have included much more cramping but have been incredibly light. I really didn't put any thought into it but last week I started to get some unusual cramping and midmonth spotting. I've never had that before. The last two weeks I've also been feeling alot of fluttering sensations to what feels like constant gas bubbles in my lower pelvic region (I've never noticed that I have had this much activity going on in my abdomen). Although I've drastically changed my eating habits in the last four months I've only lost 8lbs and yet my pants have gotten tighter in the mid section to the point where I needed to go up a pant size. As I calculate all of this up, I started to wonder if that last IUI took after all (My head is playing games with me I swear). Half joking around about it to my mother, she reminds me that she had her period through out her pregnancy with my younger brother and that she didn't realize she was pregnant till she was four months along. What???? Please do not let me be the woman who is 5 months along and didn't know. I kind of freaked out Sunday night and took a home pregnancy test but it was negative. I actually breathed a sigh of relieve when I saw the results. I was on some pretty intense medication from the end of August to the end of October due to a lung infection which progressed into pneumonia. On top of that I've had a couple nights where I went out with friends for drinks.
With that idea out of the way, I've kind of started to panic about the development of a crazy large fibroid. With all the hormones I was given for the IUI, would that cause fibroid to grow? I plan on scheduling an appointment with my gyno in the upcoming weeks to get some of my questions answered. I really just hope my mind and body are playing tricks on me and there is nothing going on. I'd hate to have to go through surgery to get fibroids removed before I move on to the next IUI.
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