Post Two: Luck Is On My Side

No I am not pregnant but I'm not as bummed about it as I was this morning.

I started stressing about how I am going to pay for another cycle.  When I called my RE's office to tell them to cancel my beta, I asked if there was any way to get cheaper meds.  My rockstar of a nurse said that just minutes ago, another woman dropped off 4 boxes of  Gonal-f 300IU pens to donate and they are all mine if I want them!  Hell yes I do!!  Although they expire this month, she said they should still be good for another few months.  Now I just need to come up with $1800 more instead of $3k.  OMG this is totally doable.  If all goes well I can start another cycle at the end of July!

Funny enough,  after making my phone call, I was planning on returning some maternity clothes that I bought a few days ago.  Since the hope is still alive, I gonna keep them!

Maybe some one can help me with this too.  I still need a couple more pens of Gonal F and ovidrel. I found out that Towndrugstore.com is much more cheaper than Freedom Pharmacy.  Has anyone had any experience with them? 

Anna, to answer your question, Ovidrel is often used to induce ovulation but it can also be used as a progesterone booster.  My doctor prefers this over progesterone suppositories. 

The Torture is Over

The fat lady sang.  On to the next cycle.

I still feel sick as hell but I guess I must have just come down with something or my body is just reacting poorly to all the meds I've been pumping into myself. 

I guess you can never tell how bad you want something until you realize you can't have it.  I've been pretty bummed all morning about it all but I also can't help but think that everything happens for a reason and this was not meant to be. 

Another Day (8DPIUI)

It's pointless for me to test because my RE had me take an Ovidrel booster shot yesterday, so it would make a HPT positive no matter what.  I am just going to have to agonize over these bizarre "symptoms" and hope like hell it worked.  Sorry if it annoys people, it's just my process ;)

I was kind of excited this morning.   It looked like my bleeding completely stopped overnight but as my morning has progressed, my bleeding has returned and a little bit heavier than yesterday.  It still lighter than my normal period, but then again my cycles have been all over the place for the last year.  I'm starting to pass what looks like long stingy tissue (TMI, sorry).  I'm not cramping at all. 

My extreme exhaustion is still here.  I went to bed as soon as Gavin did (7:30) and woke up at 7am this morning.  That length of sleep should totally have rejuvenated me but I still feel like I haven't slept in days.  I also feel like I am getting a sinus infection, another symptom I had a few days prior to finding out I was pregnant with Gavin.

I have to admit, I have already accepted the defeat and am planning to sit down tonight and figure out how I am going to pay for another cycle. I already have a quarter of what I need but that still leaves me with a little over $3k to come up with.

I wish this whole process would be so much easier and cheaper.

Oh God, What Did I Get Myself Into

Hello nausea

                and dizziness

                               and pure debilitating exhaustion

I did not test this morning because I am still spotting and convinced myself sometime throughout the night that this is really a sign of the end.  I actually don't think I can consider it spotting, more like an incredibly light period.  Oh TWW how I hate you so.

But then again, I could barely get out of bed this morning because I am just so tired.  At around 8am, I was sitting at my desk and felt like I was just going to hurl.  I stood up so I could head off to the bathroom, and the room started to spin.  I did not get all of these pregnancy related symptoms until much later, 6 weeks, with my first pregnancy.  If I am pregnant, this is going to be a long first trimester.  If I am not pregnant, theses symptoms are a cruel joke.

How I Loathe You TWW

I try so hard to not let the paranoia set in while on the TWW.  But no matter how I try it creeps in. 

I woke up Saturday with some mild pressure in the lower center of my abdomen.  I know I felt that feeling shortly after I got a positive HPT when I got pregnant with Gavin but I know I did not feel it this early. 

Sunday the pressure got more persistent, like I've done a hundred sit ups (It's been a LONG time since I've done that many sit ups but I vaguely remember the sensation ;).  The day culminated with some horrible unmistakable round ligament pain. 

I thought I recall my ovidrel making my ta-tas sore, but I haven't experienced it this go around until this morning.  I could barely put a bra on.  If we were close to the time where the bosses are considering bonuses, I would have considered going without.

To round out my growing, wishing and hoping symptom list,  I started some light pink spotting about two hours ago. 

I shared my symptoms a few minutes ago with the nurse at my progesterone check-up. I'm mostly concerned about the pressure in my abdomen and the fact that it isn't occurring near my ovaries rather all about two inches below my belly button.  She said it could be a number of things:

• I am indeed pregnant and my uterus is expanding already
• My ovaries have a large cyst on both, a clear sign that I did indeed release at least two eggs, which has caused all the pressure.
• The meds have caused me to start my period earlier than normal and what I am experiencing is not implantation bleeding.

Of course none of these scenarios truly gives me an answer.  However, when we did my ultrasound to check my ovaries, she did say that my uterus does look a little larger than she would expect it to look like.  She also said my lining looked "fabulous". 

Thanks to the availability of some seriously cheap HPT's, I think I am going to start testing on Friday (10dpiui).  Wait, who am I kidding....I will probably start testing by tomorrow morning because the anticipation is killing me.  Plus I think I read somewhere that some people get positive HPT's two days after they see implantation bleeding. 

In other news, I taught my son to give me a kiss on the cheek a few weeks ago. But now he will jump into my arms and give me a quick peck on the lips.  It so sweet, it just makes my heart melt.  However, as adorable as it is, it is going to get us in trouble.  My son has now started to kiss the girls at daycare.  Yikes!! 

Calming Down

It's taken me a full week to come down from all the craziness from last week.  The injectables made it really difficult to process everything, making me just a big emotional mess.  After I put Gavin to bed, I spend most my night still wondering why this all happened, did I do the right thing, should I do more to prevent this from happening to other kids.  I don't know if I will ever know any of the answers to these questions.

Gavin seems to be doing well at the new daycare.  He still has a hard time when I leave him but when I call an hour later he is totally OK.  Last night he didn't even want to leave because he was too busy flirting with a little girl.  I didn't realize I would have to start the whole "No dating until your 16" thing so quickly!

I had my back-to-back IUI's on the 17th and 18th.  They both went so smoothly and uneventful.  For the first time in 10 iui's, the nurse allowed me to watch her process the donor sperm.  I'm a total science dork so this was right up my alley and really made my day.  She said the process was taking a lot longer than normal and then told me that this was the most sperm she has ever seen in a frozen sample, causing it to to thaw more slowly.  Even better, I found out I have three mature follicles (2) 23's and one 21.  I am hoping that this means I'm about to get a nice big positive pregnancy test on July 1st.  Then again I want to be pregnant but I don't want multiples!!

Trying for a second child is so different than my experience trying for my first.  I'm just not on pins and needles, analyzing every little twinge and cramp like I did before.  I'm not consumed by this cycle to the point that I have allowed myself to enjoy a glass of wine last night and on Sunday night.  That would have never happened when I was trying for Gavin. NO WAY. 

I guess in some ways, I am using some reverse psychology on myself.  The cycle I got pregnant with Gavin, I kind of gave up a couple times, convincing myself it wouldn't work and that I should not even get my hopes up.  That mindset kept me a lot calmer than my previous attempts.  This time, I was so nonchalant that I actually forgot what time my IUI was going to be at on Monday.  I had to call and ask for the appointment time again. 

While the smooth sailing IUI's helped me get some reprieve from my recent sadness, being able to tell the world that I was one of the key players in helping a community win $19.5 million (YES, NINETEEN AND HALF MILLION DOLLARS!!!!) on Monday has made me feel like I'm on top of the world!!!  I still can't believe it, but I can't think of a better community that deserve to win this money.  They are one of the few cities that I know of that, even if the public, local business leaders, and elected officials disagree, they still stand behind and support each other in everything they do.  I wish some of our state and federal government would take sometime and learn the art of compromise from these amazing people!

Lost For Words

This is a post that has been in the making for a few days now. 

Wednesday:

I walked in on my daycare worker slapping a 18 month old, her grandson, in the face on Wednesday morning.

I am still trying to get my head wrapped around it all.

I pulled into daycare at my normal time to drop off Gavin.  As I was walking up to the house, another parent was coming out.  We sat and talked in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I walked into the house.  After signing Gavin in, I walked down the long hallway into the kitchen, which opens into the den where the kids play.  I could hear the TV on in the background and I could hear the daycare person sternly saying no but other than that I didn't hear a peep.  Considering their were five other kids in the house at that point, in retrospect, the quietness was odd. As I turned to view the entire den, I watch the daycare person pick the 18 month old up by one arm and brought him to the side of a long couch where all the kids were sitting.  She slapped the little boy's hand twice and said no.  The little boy just stood there, expressionless and not resisting her.  Then she hesitated for a second only to slap him in the face twice.  The slap was not hard enough to leave a bruise, but hard enough were it probably left a red mark on his face.  The little boy didn't cry or move a muscle.

I stood there watching this all take place.  She clearly did not know there was someone else in the room because when I said her name and asked her "Did I just see you slap {name} in the face" she turned around, startled by me.  She didn't respond to my question.  She stepped away from the little boy, and walked towards me.  Their was this long awkward silence.  Still just blown away by what I saw, I said "I hope you are not hitting my kid like that".  She finally responded saying no and that she would never do such a thing.  She grabbed Gavin out of my arms and told my son to say goodbye to me. I wasn't thinking clearly, at all, and walked out, got into my car and left. As I got to work (a three minute drive away), panic struck in full force.  I told work I was taking the day off and went home to quickly started to make phone calls to find a new daycare facility.  Initially, I kept thinking he's ok there for a few hours because there was no way she would hurt Gavin, but as time ticked by and I began to digest more of what I saw I just realized I needed to get him out of there immediately, why risk it.  A co-worker called a few minutes after I left to pick Gavin back up and told me she had called the local organization that recommended my daycare worker to me to report what had happened.  They said they strongly recommend me filing a complaint with child services.  As I drove back to daycare I called and filed a report.

When I arrived back at daycare, the door was locked as usual.  The daycare workers granddaughter answered the door and announced across the room that Gavin's mom is here.  I didn't want to start an argument, I said I just want my son.  The daycare worker started saying "I want to talk to you about this morning". She then proceed to say things like "How dare you accuse me of slapping my grandson after all I have done for you" and "I can discipline my grandson anyway I want to".  I tried walking further into the kitchen to grab Gavin, but the Granddaughter scooped him up and would not give him to me.  After repeatedly saying, I just want my son, the granddaughter finally passed him over.  I continued to remain silent as she continue to say I'm ungrateful.  My silence was making her so mad she started to say really rudely "Hello, hello, hello".  What do you say to all of this??  It was clear she didn't feel a bit regretful for slapping the little boy.  As I started to walk out the door, I finally spoke and said I will pay her for another two weeks and then we will just call this the end.    I was trying to keep it together, but I just couldn't keep myself from crying.  This is a person who I thought of as a family member, a surrogate mother for me and grandmother to my son.  I trusted her.  There have been a couple things here and there that made me go "hmmm..." but nothing enough to indicate that she was hitting the kids.

As I put Gavin in his car seat she continued to yell, "how dare you accuse me of this".  I finally said very calmly, which surprises me considering I was 6 days into stims, to her that "I'm not accusing her of it, I saw you do it".  As I started pulling away from the house, she was still standing on her porch watching us go.

But things are not so black and white and I don't want to make her into a villain (I know this might not make sense to some people).  A few months ago, my daycare worker got temporary custody of her fourth grandchild. Her daughter is a severe drug abuser and has lost each of her children because of her drug addiction problems.  The youngest, the one who was slapped, was severely neglected and abused prior to my daycare worker getting custody.  She fought to get custody of this little boy so that he would not have to suffer in the foster care system.  I know she had only the best of intentions when she tried to get this little boy.  I just don't think she was prepared to deal with all the behavioral problems that he came with.  For the first few months, he would not show any emotion.  At 15 months he still only drank bottles, could not communicate in anyway other than an occasional grunt and did not respond to any type of communication.  He has the high energy of a toddler, but zero social skills.  On numerous occasions, the daycare worker said she wish that she could get him in to a therapist but when she talked to the social worker about it, the social worker said they wont consider it until he is much older.  I noticed as time wore on, she was becoming increasingly frustrated, exhausted and overwhelmed.  She began to have a shorter fuse with him and a number of the other kids.  I also never saw her or any of his siblings give him hugs or kisses.  They aren't a touchy feely family to begin with but considering the hell this little boy went through, this kid needs affection more than ever to feel safe and secure.

Adding to her anxiety, she has an adult son who is bed bound and unable to communicate (he has severe cerebral palsy).  Just a week ago she opened up and told me as much as she loves her son, she felt bad because lately she has been asking why god could do this to him and how she gets mad when people say she should be thankful for having him.  My heart really goes out to her.

It is NEVER okay for a kid to be slapped in the face but  I am lost between trying to advocate for her to get help and trying to get the little boy taken out of the situation. 

Thursday:

The boy's case worker called me this morning to get more of the details.  I voiced my concerns for the boys safety and well being but also made sure to point out that the daycare worker desperately needs help and that she seems very overwhelmed by all the things that are not going right in her life.  The case worker agreed with what I was saying but did not indicate how they were going to resolve the situation.  After we talked for sometime, he started saying some other kids names (5-6 names in total).  I told him none of the names sound familiar.  My mouth hit the floor when he said those are names of the kids who have parents who have called CPS on her over the last few years.

Now I'm sitting here wondering how I could not know there was a history of this?  She has no criminal record.  If what he was saying is true, how could cps turn her grandson over to her?  Were these claims found to be false?  There are so many questions running through my head right now.  I want to believe this is an isolated incident, but now I can't help and wonder what was going on in that house when there were no other adults to supervise?  Gavin is such a happy kid I don't think she did anything to him, but then again he has not wanted to go there for the last few weeks.  He has had a number of busted lips and bruised foreheads, but he is learning how to walk and falls a lot.  At the urging of my sister, I took Gavin to the pediatrician to have him checked out and as I suspected, he showed no physical signs of abuse. but the doctor was quick to point out that that does not prove that it has never happened. 

All of these thoughts are swirling through my mind and I cannot focus on work or anything else.  I am an emotional mess and am crying at a drop of a hat.  Damn meds... I'm sure it is amplifying all of my emotions ten-fold.

Thank god my co-worker got Gavin into the daycare that her child goes to.  He started this morning. He cried for the first 30 minutes but I guess once they fed him two pancakes, he cheered right up and started playing with the other kids.  I guess the way to my little man's heart is food:)

Friday

Ok, these meds are making me so Amanda Bynesish.  I'm all over the place.  Crying one minute, laughing the next.  I'm a pure mess.  I'm trying to get a grip on the whole daycare person and grandson situation, but find myself fighting back all of my sadness over the whole sordid event. Then there is the pure happiness.  I just found out that I have been placed in "quarantine" by the State because I used my super-sleuth skills to find out that ...... oh wait I can't tell you until Monday.  But it's big...and one of the coolest things I've ever accomplished in my career to-date.  Man do I hate keeping secrets.

With everything going on I haven't mentioned my IF treatment.  I went in to be monitored on Tuesday and I had about 6 follicles but they were all under 10mm.  It was a bummer of an appointment but I suspected it.  Normally by that point I would be bloated and sore but I had zero symptoms. 

They forgot that I was using donor sperm on this cycle and forgot to tell me to order my sperm on Tuesday.  So when I brought this to their attention on Thursday, they thought it would be best if I have it delivered on Monday.  I said multiple times, "Isn't that going to be too late"?  But they said no.

Fast forward to today and I feel so bloated I had to bust out my old maternity pants because even my fat pants didn't fit. I have a 17, (2)16's, 15 and a 14.   Again, forgetting there is donor sperm involved, they tried to set my IUI up for Sunday.  Yeah, we are going to be missing approximately 10 million necessary things for that to happen.  So now the plan is to coast on a lower dose of meds until Monday.  I am just praying this will not cause my eggs to over-cook or for me to ovulate too early. 

CD3 or 4

My cycle has been all over the place lately so when I went to do my day 3 monitoring, I said something to the nurse.  Aunt Flo ended this morning so she told me to consider this day 4 and since I had no cysts (Yippee!!) I can start meds tomorrow night. 

Woot! Woot!! Here we go!!!

Since My Last Post...

Gavin was so sick for a week, it made me realize how important it is for me to move closer to family.  Within a day after my last post, Gavin's fever shot up to 105 again causing him to have a seizure.  Words cannot even explain how terrifying it was but thankfully his condition improved within a few days and he is now back to his normal self. 

Well, I shouldn't say "normal", because it seems like he has hit the terrible two's stage a little earlier than expected.  He is really testing his boundaries lately so I had to give him his first time out.  I figured I would take a tip from Supernanny and try to get him to stay on the first step of our staircase for a 30 second time out after he continually tried to open the oven door while I was baking.  Oh the tears, screaming and kicking. After a few times of me bringing him back to the step, he calmed down and, much to my surprise, has not touched the oven since. 

A week after Gavin started feeling better, we decided to attend a local event for mothers and mothers-to-be.  Since I was all over the place with my decision to have another little one, I thought it would be a great event to attend to help me make up my mind.  Of course how could I say no after being surrounded by newborns and pregnant ladies.  I left the event with a great ol' bag of goodies including a bag of newborn diapers.  I forgot how small those little diapers are!  They are just so cute!! 

I want to tell you that from that moment out I had definitely made up my mind but I still didn't feel 100% about my decision.  If I had endless access to money, I wouldn't hesitate.  But of course I am not a wealthy person; however, I am a resourceful and determined person.  So I have made a promise to myself to start babysitting more often on the weekends so I can pay off my car earlier.  Once my car is paid off,  I will have more than enough to have another child and still have a large enough monthly financial cushion that I can feel good about.  Having a plan has helped me to feel a little more confident about going forward with TTC #2.  With that said, I am now CD 2 and am going in for my day 3 lab and ultrasound tomorrow.  All those familiar feelings that go along with starting a cycle have come flooding back.  I can't believe I'm doing this, but so exited to know that, if I'm lucky, I might be staring at a positive pregnancy test in just 30 days!