Friday, June 14, 2013

Lost For Words

This is a post that has been in the making for a few days now. 


I walked in on my daycare worker slapping a 18 month old, her grandson, in the face on Wednesday morning.

I am still trying to get my head wrapped around it all.

I pulled into daycare at my normal time to drop off Gavin.  As I was walking up to the house, another parent was coming out.  We sat and talked in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I walked into the house.  After signing Gavin in, I walked down the long hallway into the kitchen, which opens into the den where the kids play.  I could hear the TV on in the background and I could hear the daycare person sternly saying no but other than that I didn't hear a peep.  Considering their were five other kids in the house at that point, in retrospect, the quietness was odd. As I turned to view the entire den, I watch the daycare person pick the 18 month old up by one arm and brought him to the side of a long couch where all the kids were sitting.  She slapped the little boy's hand twice and said no.  The little boy just stood there, expressionless and not resisting her.  Then she hesitated for a second only to slap him in the face twice.  The slap was not hard enough to leave a bruise, but hard enough were it probably left a red mark on his face.  The little boy didn't cry or move a muscle.

I stood there watching this all take place.  She clearly did not know there was someone else in the room because when I said her name and asked her "Did I just see you slap {name} in the face" she turned around, startled by me.  She didn't respond to my question.  She stepped away from the little boy, and walked towards me.  Their was this long awkward silence.  Still just blown away by what I saw, I said "I hope you are not hitting my kid like that".  She finally responded saying no and that she would never do such a thing.  She grabbed Gavin out of my arms and told my son to say goodbye to me. I wasn't thinking clearly, at all, and walked out, got into my car and left. As I got to work (a three minute drive away), panic struck in full force.  I told work I was taking the day off and went home to quickly started to make phone calls to find a new daycare facility.  Initially, I kept thinking he's ok there for a few hours because there was no way she would hurt Gavin, but as time ticked by and I began to digest more of what I saw I just realized I needed to get him out of there immediately, why risk it.  A co-worker called a few minutes after I left to pick Gavin back up and told me she had called the local organization that recommended my daycare worker to me to report what had happened.  They said they strongly recommend me filing a complaint with child services.  As I drove back to daycare I called and filed a report.

When I arrived back at daycare, the door was locked as usual.  The daycare workers granddaughter answered the door and announced across the room that Gavin's mom is here.  I didn't want to start an argument, I said I just want my son.  The daycare worker started saying "I want to talk to you about this morning". She then proceed to say things like "How dare you accuse me of slapping my grandson after all I have done for you" and "I can discipline my grandson anyway I want to".  I tried walking further into the kitchen to grab Gavin, but the Granddaughter scooped him up and would not give him to me.  After repeatedly saying, I just want my son, the granddaughter finally passed him over.  I continued to remain silent as she continue to say I'm ungrateful.  My silence was making her so mad she started to say really rudely "Hello, hello, hello".  What do you say to all of this??  It was clear she didn't feel a bit regretful for slapping the little boy.  As I started to walk out the door, I finally spoke and said I will pay her for another two weeks and then we will just call this the end.    I was trying to keep it together, but I just couldn't keep myself from crying.  This is a person who I thought of as a family member, a surrogate mother for me and grandmother to my son.  I trusted her.  There have been a couple things here and there that made me go "hmmm..." but nothing enough to indicate that she was hitting the kids.

As I put Gavin in his car seat she continued to yell, "how dare you accuse me of this".  I finally said very calmly, which surprises me considering I was 6 days into stims, to her that "I'm not accusing her of it, I saw you do it".  As I started pulling away from the house, she was still standing on her porch watching us go.

But things are not so black and white and I don't want to make her into a villain (I know this might not make sense to some people).  A few months ago, my daycare worker got temporary custody of her fourth grandchild. Her daughter is a severe drug abuser and has lost each of her children because of her drug addiction problems.  The youngest, the one who was slapped, was severely neglected and abused prior to my daycare worker getting custody.  She fought to get custody of this little boy so that he would not have to suffer in the foster care system.  I know she had only the best of intentions when she tried to get this little boy.  I just don't think she was prepared to deal with all the behavioral problems that he came with.  For the first few months, he would not show any emotion.  At 15 months he still only drank bottles, could not communicate in anyway other than an occasional grunt and did not respond to any type of communication.  He has the high energy of a toddler, but zero social skills.  On numerous occasions, the daycare worker said she wish that she could get him in to a therapist but when she talked to the social worker about it, the social worker said they wont consider it until he is much older.  I noticed as time wore on, she was becoming increasingly frustrated, exhausted and overwhelmed.  She began to have a shorter fuse with him and a number of the other kids.  I also never saw her or any of his siblings give him hugs or kisses.  They aren't a touchy feely family to begin with but considering the hell this little boy went through, this kid needs affection more than ever to feel safe and secure.

Adding to her anxiety, she has an adult son who is bed bound and unable to communicate (he has severe cerebral palsy).  Just a week ago she opened up and told me as much as she loves her son, she felt bad because lately she has been asking why god could do this to him and how she gets mad when people say she should be thankful for having him.  My heart really goes out to her.

It is NEVER okay for a kid to be slapped in the face but  I am lost between trying to advocate for her to get help and trying to get the little boy taken out of the situation. 


The boy's case worker called me this morning to get more of the details.  I voiced my concerns for the boys safety and well being but also made sure to point out that the daycare worker desperately needs help and that she seems very overwhelmed by all the things that are not going right in her life.  The case worker agreed with what I was saying but did not indicate how they were going to resolve the situation.  After we talked for sometime, he started saying some other kids names (5-6 names in total).  I told him none of the names sound familiar.  My mouth hit the floor when he said those are names of the kids who have parents who have called CPS on her over the last few years.

Now I'm sitting here wondering how I could not know there was a history of this?  She has no criminal record.  If what he was saying is true, how could cps turn her grandson over to her?  Were these claims found to be false?  There are so many questions running through my head right now.  I want to believe this is an isolated incident, but now I can't help and wonder what was going on in that house when there were no other adults to supervise?  Gavin is such a happy kid I don't think she did anything to him, but then again he has not wanted to go there for the last few weeks.  He has had a number of busted lips and bruised foreheads, but he is learning how to walk and falls a lot.  At the urging of my sister, I took Gavin to the pediatrician to have him checked out and as I suspected, he showed no physical signs of abuse. but the doctor was quick to point out that that does not prove that it has never happened. 

All of these thoughts are swirling through my mind and I cannot focus on work or anything else.  I am an emotional mess and am crying at a drop of a hat.  Damn meds... I'm sure it is amplifying all of my emotions ten-fold.

Thank god my co-worker got Gavin into the daycare that her child goes to.  He started this morning. He cried for the first 30 minutes but I guess once they fed him two pancakes, he cheered right up and started playing with the other kids.  I guess the way to my little man's heart is food:)


Ok, these meds are making me so Amanda Bynesish.  I'm all over the place.  Crying one minute, laughing the next.  I'm a pure mess.  I'm trying to get a grip on the whole daycare person and grandson situation, but find myself fighting back all of my sadness over the whole sordid event. Then there is the pure happiness.  I just found out that I have been placed in "quarantine" by the State because I used my super-sleuth skills to find out that ...... oh wait I can't tell you until Monday.  But it's big...and one of the coolest things I've ever accomplished in my career to-date.  Man do I hate keeping secrets.

With everything going on I haven't mentioned my IF treatment.  I went in to be monitored on Tuesday and I had about 6 follicles but they were all under 10mm.  It was a bummer of an appointment but I suspected it.  Normally by that point I would be bloated and sore but I had zero symptoms. 

They forgot that I was using donor sperm on this cycle and forgot to tell me to order my sperm on Tuesday.  So when I brought this to their attention on Thursday, they thought it would be best if I have it delivered on Monday.  I said multiple times, "Isn't that going to be too late"?  But they said no.

Fast forward to today and I feel so bloated I had to bust out my old maternity pants because even my fat pants didn't fit. I have a 17, (2)16's, 15 and a 14.   Again, forgetting there is donor sperm involved, they tried to set my IUI up for Sunday.  Yeah, we are going to be missing approximately 10 million necessary things for that to happen.  So now the plan is to coast on a lower dose of meds until Monday.  I am just praying this will not cause my eggs to over-cook or for me to ovulate too early. 


wottadoll said...

Oh my God, what a nightmare! Just for the record, I would have done everything you did - left him there, then sped back and picked him up. I wonder how often this goes on that nobody ever knows about? Thank God you were there to witness it, and thank God you got Gavin into a new place so quickly.

Tiara said...

Oh wow! How awful for you to have witness that. Thankfully you got Gavin into a better place so quickly!! Good luck this weekend. I hope your follies wait for your spermies :)

Abby said...

OMG so stressful!

it sounds like you did everything you should have and could have so i hope you won't blame yourself. it sounds like Gavin is totally fine and not damaged by the experience... phew!

Shannon said...

Oh how awful! I would have done the same thing, too. Left and then gone back.

Her situation sounds awful, and it's clear she does need help. I hope that your call was what was needed to get her help. I can understand your emotional reaction to it all - not just with Gavin, but about her situation and all that goes along with it.

Fingers and toes crossed for Monday! Looking forward to the news you have to share, too. :)

Ali said...

I'm really glad you did report the incident, the fact that there have been others and yet she is still open kind of terrifies me.

Love the "Amanda Bynesish" phrase, very descriptive! Good luck with this IUI!!!

SurlyMama said...

I am so sorry this has happened. It is one of my greatest fears with leaving Annelise in someone elses care. It sounds like you took all the right steps and I'm glad you were able to get Gavin in somewhere else quickly. I can also understand you sympathy for the caregivers situation obviously she has been overburden and is not equipped to deal with the stress. I'm glad you were able to witness it because who knows how long it would have continued.

Good luck with this cycle and I look forward to hearing your exciting news.

Little One said...

What a story. You totally did the right thing. I'm speechless. Good luck with your IUI.

R said...

Wow, what a horrific experience! My heart goes out to that poor little boy. And for the record, it's absolutely ridiculous that they won't provide him with any help until he's much older. He should be receiving early intervention, at the very least!! I do hope the daycare worker gets some help, for sure, but her grandson really deserves better.

I'm glad you got Gavin in to a new daycare, and I'm sure by now he's totally in the swing of things. And whether or not anything ever did happen to him, he won't remember it. So there's that. But you will - can't do anything to erase the memory of what you witnessed! And I absolutely can't believe that with that number of CPS reports, that she 1) is still in operation and 2) has custody of her grandson!

Can't wait to hear your big news, hopefully soon!

Heather said...

Wow, I am SO sorry you and Gavin had to go through this! What a relief that you were able to find a better place for him so quickly...this whole situation breaks my heart. Best of luck for a BFP now that your two iuis are behind you!!