Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Two Times in Two Weeks Has To Be a Sign

I've been working my ass off...literally. I spent an additional 40 hours at my second job last week and I'm about to do it again. This extra work equated to losing 7lbs in one week. I'm eating what I normally eat but all the running around has really helped me burn off the calories. My mad work schedule will continue tonight and strangely, I'm looking forward to it. My co-workers there are hysterical. Last Thursday I had almost everyone singing old school rap songs. I'm amazed that some of the youngin's new the lyrics. One girl even busted out the humpty dance. haha.

So the title of this blog has to do with the little run in I had at my conference yesterday. It was long drive (four hours) to the conference with the manager in the driver seat. I brought magazines along to pass some of the time but tried to maintain some sort of conversation going through out the trip. Everything seemed to be going fine until we got to our final destination. We started to walk into the auditorium and I nearly ran smack dab into the intern from hell. AHHHH! The manager said hi in passing, I kept my composure, smiled, nodded and kept walking. Surprisingly, the manager kept walking too. I got the sense like he knew she was going to be there by the way he was acting which made me wonder what if this was some sort of set up. I really expected him to strike up a conversation with her or at least try to sit with her but he pointed to a few rows ahead of where she was siting. I can't even begin to express how relieved I was to be ahead of her so she was out of my sight. I tried to not let her presence get to me, but once again I just felt like I needed to anticipate some sort of crazy drama to play out with her. The fear knocks the wind out of me every time I run into her.

I tried to be casual at the end of the conference and quickly left the auditorium pretending as though I desperately needed to go to the restroom. I hope this would give him a chance to talk to her, if he wanted. What really surprised me was, when I left the bathroom, I passed her in the hall walking in the opposite direction of the auditorium. The manager was nowhere to be found in the auditorium so I started to walk back towards the bathroom when I found him. He must not have sat around and talked to her after all because he said he used the restroom too.

We didn't talk about it on the way back. In fact we barely said a word to each other at all. It's painfully obvious that this is still a very awkward situation. He did request to go to the event well after I had approached our director about going which makes me suspicious that he knew she would be there although I don't know if I have a right to be so suspicious. I just wished that, had he known she would be there, he would be sensitive enough to the issue to warn me. Not that it would deter me from going, after all the conference was about something that is near and dear to my heart. The warning would allow me to prepare myself mentally. Maybe I should have gotten the balls to just ask him flat out if he knew she was coming but I'm just afraid it is just going to start another war. Therefore I am venting to you.

I need to the face the fact that I will most likely run into her in a professional capacity in the future. I just need to come up with a better coping mechanism for myself. I know when she was let go, she was on the track to get physically violent with me, which has left me with these horrible nightmares of her hitting me or worse. I continually have flash backs to her belittling me and making me feel like I should have no self-worth. I'm toying with the idea of getting some help to deal with all of these emotions and fears. I know I need to prepare myself for future run ins and I wonder if talking to someone will help me feel a little more secure and self assured my skills. I think our medical insurance offers free counseling, I'll need to look into it.

In other news, I am patiently waiting for CD 1 to come around. It should have been here a few days ago but has yet to make it's appearance. I am cautiously certain the third time is going to be the charm. Hopefully the positive thinking will bring me a baby in December!

No comments: