I am no were closer to finding out what may be causing me to get so sick than I was a week ago.
After being on a heart monitor for 24 hours and finding out that the leads were put on incorrectly, I was waiting for a phone call to tell me when they were going to repeat the test. Instead I got a phone call saying that the test came back completely normal. How can this be when the nurse who took the monitor off said that without a doubt the test would be considered invalid because it was done incorrectly?
I questioned the nurse on the phone and she said there was nothing in the notes saying the test was performed wrong. I asked her for the results of the other tests the office had done and said she had no record of other tests being performed. I was trying to not lose it on this nurse, but I'm sure it was clear I was getting pissed. She said she would look into it. So I asked her when my appointment will be scheduled with the neurologist and she said they wont schedule that appointment until I visit again with my GP two weeks from now. Her response sent me over the edge, they promised me they would schedule me with the neurologist as soon as the 24 hour monitor was completed, now am left in limboland.
What scared me even more was her asking me if I am still having problems with my epilepsy. My what???? I don't have epilepsy!! She snarkly said "whoops, better fix that". Yes, Please!!
I think it is time to ask for my complete medical chart to review.
About two hours after I talked to the nurse, another nurse called from the same office saying they are going to set up my consult with a neurologist and that I should expect a phone with my appt time and date by the next day. Three days later I have still not heard anything. I have left two messages (one a day), and have heard nothing. I am so frustrated.
For those who say the medical system in the US is so great, I think I have some concrete proof that are system needs some serious work. I can't even imagine what my experience would be like without health insurance.
Thankfully, I have still been able to take care of Gavin without any major complications but I can tell my work is suffering. The tingling and lightheaded/dizziness feeling has affected my ability to move around quickly or do computer work. I want my life back!!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Friday, July 19, 2013
What Will the Future Hold?
Since my last IUI cycle, my health has gone down hill. Sudden bouts of nausea, tingling limbs, dizziness, and muscle weakness. There have been two incidents that have occured while I was out for a walk, one while doing dishes and another while I was in a meeting. I've been to 5 doctors, each with their own thought on what could be causing all of this but no diagnosis yet:
1. a drop in blood pressure caused by arrythmia
2. Hypoglycemia
3. High estrogen
4. MS
Three of the doctors (One of them being a cardiologist) recommended that I see a neurologist but my family doctor is adamant that my issue is not neurological and more likely to be heart related. My RE thinks it is No. 2 or No. 3. I am hoping it is none of the above and something more simple like a vitamin deficiency.
My family physician had me on a heart monitor for 24 hours which was a total waste of time and money. Since the incidents have been occuring randomly, days apart from one another, it just does not make sense to perform the test only for a 24 hour period. I was frustrated with having to do this in the first place, but even more frustrated when I got it taken off, they realized that two of the leads were in the wrong place. I'm now waiting to find out when they are going to repeat the test.
Until they figure all of this out, there is no way I can move forward with another IUI cycle. :(
On the brightside, I was offered a new job. However, this job comes with much more responsibility and tougher workload. I'm kind of afraid to take it with all of these medical uncertanties but then again the 40% pay raise makes it very appealing.
Funny yet sad: My son mimics alot of sounds, including when he hears some one cough. I was experiencing some serious nausea and vomiting last night. I told Gavin to hang out downstairs so he would have to see me hunched over the toilet. As I was puking my brains out, I hear Gavin downstairs mimicking the sound of me throwing up. If I didn't feel so crappy, I would have been laughing hysterically.
1. a drop in blood pressure caused by arrythmia
2. Hypoglycemia
3. High estrogen
4. MS
Three of the doctors (One of them being a cardiologist) recommended that I see a neurologist but my family doctor is adamant that my issue is not neurological and more likely to be heart related. My RE thinks it is No. 2 or No. 3. I am hoping it is none of the above and something more simple like a vitamin deficiency.
My family physician had me on a heart monitor for 24 hours which was a total waste of time and money. Since the incidents have been occuring randomly, days apart from one another, it just does not make sense to perform the test only for a 24 hour period. I was frustrated with having to do this in the first place, but even more frustrated when I got it taken off, they realized that two of the leads were in the wrong place. I'm now waiting to find out when they are going to repeat the test.
Until they figure all of this out, there is no way I can move forward with another IUI cycle. :(
On the brightside, I was offered a new job. However, this job comes with much more responsibility and tougher workload. I'm kind of afraid to take it with all of these medical uncertanties but then again the 40% pay raise makes it very appealing.
Funny yet sad: My son mimics alot of sounds, including when he hears some one cough. I was experiencing some serious nausea and vomiting last night. I told Gavin to hang out downstairs so he would have to see me hunched over the toilet. As I was puking my brains out, I hear Gavin downstairs mimicking the sound of me throwing up. If I didn't feel so crappy, I would have been laughing hysterically.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Not Getting My Hopes Up
I called my RE to see if we could see if they could give me an explanation on why I started bleeding so early. I am now spotting again and my tatas are so insanely sore, I wish I could run around work topless (but I will refrain). I think my hormones are just so out of wack my body doesn't know what to do. The nurse said injectable meds can cause some women, who typically struggle to ovulate, to experience a abnormal cycle but she also said it is very possible I am experiencing a late implantation. The only way to rule something out quickly is through a beta test. I'm waiting for the results as I type.
If it's positive, I will be cautiously amazed and excited.
If it's negative, I'm not going to be able to do another cycle for at least two months because they are going to do some investigative tests. I found out my progesterone check was 1.2 on 7dpiui which is flat out horrible and could very well be the culprit to all of my problems.
**********************
Got the call: Negative
I have an appointment on the 17th to start talking about additional testing.
If it's positive, I will be cautiously amazed and excited.
If it's negative, I'm not going to be able to do another cycle for at least two months because they are going to do some investigative tests. I found out my progesterone check was 1.2 on 7dpiui which is flat out horrible and could very well be the culprit to all of my problems.
**********************
Got the call: Negative
I have an appointment on the 17th to start talking about additional testing.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Waynes World
Do you remember the movie "Wayne's World" (yeah, I'm that old:). Especially the scene where the Garth and Wayne are playing street hockey and after a car would interrupt their game they would say "Game off", and "Game on" when they could play again. Yeah thats been me the last few days.
My "Period" stopped completely early Thursday, within hours of my last post. I got a negative pregnancy test on Friday morning, showing that the meds were out of my system and that, at 13dpiui I am not pregnant. Friday afternoon I went out for a quick pint of beer with a co-worker and then came home and took Gavin and the dog on a quick little walk. We had to shorten our walk dramatically because a stray dog was following us and I couldn't tell if he was friendly or viscious. Why risk it. Once I got home, I went to take the leash off the dog and immediately got a tingling numbness in my limbs and got so lightheaded and dizzy that I had to sit down. It took a full two minutes before I felt like I was ok to carry on. I kept thinking there has to be a reason why I am having all these weird things symptoms this week and there really is only one logical explanation.
Saturday morning I took a HPT and their was a faint pink line. Yippeee!!! Yeah not so fast. Sunday morning = fainter positive HPT. Sunday around noon, crazy bleeding again which has continued onto today. This morning I did NOT get a positive HPT. Blah.
So what does a girl do when she finds out she is not pregnant? Go shopping!! I took a different approach to retail therapy though and purchased an SUV, a Chevy Equinox. The payments are more than I wanted but it was something that I technically needed. My clutch was about to go on my Jetta and I just was not in the mood to deal with our shady VW service department. This was a great solution and I got to say it has made me feel better.
So I have to say car shopping with a toddler is REALLY hard. Getting the paperwork taken care of was a nightmare. The office we working in did not have a door to corral hum. Every five minutes, Gavin would take off, running through the show room, showing fellow customers his dance and gymnastic moves, and high fiving the salesman. Thankfully, everyone was really nice about it but that little man ran me ragged! I swear I ran a mile in that show room! At least I can say he had a lot of fun. He was smiling from ear to ear while making his momma chase after him:)
Maybe I have asked this before, but I can't remember. Has anyone else considered starting a webpage to show your gratitude to your child's donor and also to make it easier for other families that have children with your donor to contact you. I keep thinking of doing the DSR but I really do not want to blow $150 on it and thought this might be a better route. Any thoughts?
My "Period" stopped completely early Thursday, within hours of my last post. I got a negative pregnancy test on Friday morning, showing that the meds were out of my system and that, at 13dpiui I am not pregnant. Friday afternoon I went out for a quick pint of beer with a co-worker and then came home and took Gavin and the dog on a quick little walk. We had to shorten our walk dramatically because a stray dog was following us and I couldn't tell if he was friendly or viscious. Why risk it. Once I got home, I went to take the leash off the dog and immediately got a tingling numbness in my limbs and got so lightheaded and dizzy that I had to sit down. It took a full two minutes before I felt like I was ok to carry on. I kept thinking there has to be a reason why I am having all these weird things symptoms this week and there really is only one logical explanation.
Saturday morning I took a HPT and their was a faint pink line. Yippeee!!! Yeah not so fast. Sunday morning = fainter positive HPT. Sunday around noon, crazy bleeding again which has continued onto today. This morning I did NOT get a positive HPT. Blah.
So what does a girl do when she finds out she is not pregnant? Go shopping!! I took a different approach to retail therapy though and purchased an SUV, a Chevy Equinox. The payments are more than I wanted but it was something that I technically needed. My clutch was about to go on my Jetta and I just was not in the mood to deal with our shady VW service department. This was a great solution and I got to say it has made me feel better.
So I have to say car shopping with a toddler is REALLY hard. Getting the paperwork taken care of was a nightmare. The office we working in did not have a door to corral hum. Every five minutes, Gavin would take off, running through the show room, showing fellow customers his dance and gymnastic moves, and high fiving the salesman. Thankfully, everyone was really nice about it but that little man ran me ragged! I swear I ran a mile in that show room! At least I can say he had a lot of fun. He was smiling from ear to ear while making his momma chase after him:)
Maybe I have asked this before, but I can't remember. Has anyone else considered starting a webpage to show your gratitude to your child's donor and also to make it easier for other families that have children with your donor to contact you. I keep thinking of doing the DSR but I really do not want to blow $150 on it and thought this might be a better route. Any thoughts?
Thursday, June 27, 2013
Post Two: Luck Is On My Side
No I am not pregnant but I'm not as bummed about it as I was this morning.
I started stressing about how I am going to pay for another cycle. When I called my RE's office to tell them to cancel my beta, I asked if there was any way to get cheaper meds. My rockstar of a nurse said that just minutes ago, another woman dropped off 4 boxes of Gonal-f 300IU pens to donate and they are all mine if I want them! Hell yes I do!! Although they expire this month, she said they should still be good for another few months. Now I just need to come up with $1800 more instead of $3k. OMG this is totally doable. If all goes well I can start another cycle at the end of July!
Funny enough, after making my phone call, I was planning on returning some maternity clothes that I bought a few days ago. Since the hope is still alive, I gonna keep them!
Maybe some one can help me with this too. I still need a couple more pens of Gonal F and ovidrel. I found out that Towndrugstore.com is much more cheaper than Freedom Pharmacy. Has anyone had any experience with them?
Anna, to answer your question, Ovidrel is often used to induce ovulation but it can also be used as a progesterone booster. My doctor prefers this over progesterone suppositories.
I started stressing about how I am going to pay for another cycle. When I called my RE's office to tell them to cancel my beta, I asked if there was any way to get cheaper meds. My rockstar of a nurse said that just minutes ago, another woman dropped off 4 boxes of Gonal-f 300IU pens to donate and they are all mine if I want them! Hell yes I do!! Although they expire this month, she said they should still be good for another few months. Now I just need to come up with $1800 more instead of $3k. OMG this is totally doable. If all goes well I can start another cycle at the end of July!
Funny enough, after making my phone call, I was planning on returning some maternity clothes that I bought a few days ago. Since the hope is still alive, I gonna keep them!
Maybe some one can help me with this too. I still need a couple more pens of Gonal F and ovidrel. I found out that Towndrugstore.com is much more cheaper than Freedom Pharmacy. Has anyone had any experience with them?
Anna, to answer your question, Ovidrel is often used to induce ovulation but it can also be used as a progesterone booster. My doctor prefers this over progesterone suppositories.
The Torture is Over
The fat lady sang. On to the next cycle.
I still feel sick as hell but I guess I must have just come down with something or my body is just reacting poorly to all the meds I've been pumping into myself.
I guess you can never tell how bad you want something until you realize you can't have it. I've been pretty bummed all morning about it all but I also can't help but think that everything happens for a reason and this was not meant to be.
I still feel sick as hell but I guess I must have just come down with something or my body is just reacting poorly to all the meds I've been pumping into myself.
I guess you can never tell how bad you want something until you realize you can't have it. I've been pretty bummed all morning about it all but I also can't help but think that everything happens for a reason and this was not meant to be.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Another Day (8DPIUI)
It's pointless for me to test because my RE had me take an Ovidrel booster shot yesterday, so it would make a HPT positive no matter what. I am just going to have to agonize over these bizarre "symptoms" and hope like hell it worked. Sorry if it annoys people, it's just my process ;)
I was kind of excited this morning. It looked like my bleeding completely stopped overnight but as my morning has progressed, my bleeding has returned and a little bit heavier than yesterday. It still lighter than my normal period, but then again my cycles have been all over the place for the last year. I'm starting to pass what looks like long stingy tissue (TMI, sorry). I'm not cramping at all.
My extreme exhaustion is still here. I went to bed as soon as Gavin did (7:30) and woke up at 7am this morning. That length of sleep should totally have rejuvenated me but I still feel like I haven't slept in days. I also feel like I am getting a sinus infection, another symptom I had a few days prior to finding out I was pregnant with Gavin.
I have to admit, I have already accepted the defeat and am planning to sit down tonight and figure out how I am going to pay for another cycle. I already have a quarter of what I need but that still leaves me with a little over $3k to come up with.
I wish this whole process would be so much easier and cheaper.
I was kind of excited this morning. It looked like my bleeding completely stopped overnight but as my morning has progressed, my bleeding has returned and a little bit heavier than yesterday. It still lighter than my normal period, but then again my cycles have been all over the place for the last year. I'm starting to pass what looks like long stingy tissue (TMI, sorry). I'm not cramping at all.
My extreme exhaustion is still here. I went to bed as soon as Gavin did (7:30) and woke up at 7am this morning. That length of sleep should totally have rejuvenated me but I still feel like I haven't slept in days. I also feel like I am getting a sinus infection, another symptom I had a few days prior to finding out I was pregnant with Gavin.
I have to admit, I have already accepted the defeat and am planning to sit down tonight and figure out how I am going to pay for another cycle. I already have a quarter of what I need but that still leaves me with a little over $3k to come up with.
I wish this whole process would be so much easier and cheaper.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Oh God, What Did I Get Myself Into
Hello nausea
and dizziness
and pure debilitating exhaustion
I did not test this morning because I am still spotting and convinced myself sometime throughout the night that this is really a sign of the end. I actually don't think I can consider it spotting, more like an incredibly light period. Oh TWW how I hate you so.
But then again, I could barely get out of bed this morning because I am just so tired. At around 8am, I was sitting at my desk and felt like I was just going to hurl. I stood up so I could head off to the bathroom, and the room started to spin. I did not get all of these pregnancy related symptoms until much later, 6 weeks, with my first pregnancy. If I am pregnant, this is going to be a long first trimester. If I am not pregnant, theses symptoms are a cruel joke.
and dizziness
and pure debilitating exhaustion
I did not test this morning because I am still spotting and convinced myself sometime throughout the night that this is really a sign of the end. I actually don't think I can consider it spotting, more like an incredibly light period. Oh TWW how I hate you so.
But then again, I could barely get out of bed this morning because I am just so tired. At around 8am, I was sitting at my desk and felt like I was just going to hurl. I stood up so I could head off to the bathroom, and the room started to spin. I did not get all of these pregnancy related symptoms until much later, 6 weeks, with my first pregnancy. If I am pregnant, this is going to be a long first trimester. If I am not pregnant, theses symptoms are a cruel joke.
Monday, June 24, 2013
How I Loathe You TWW
I try so hard to not let the paranoia set in while on the TWW. But no matter how I try it creeps in.
I woke up Saturday with some mild pressure in the lower center of my abdomen. I know I felt that feeling shortly after I got a positive HPT when I got pregnant with Gavin but I know I did not feel it this early.
Sunday the pressure got more persistent, like I've done a hundred sit ups (It's been a LONG time since I've done that many sit ups but I vaguely remember the sensation ;). The day culminated with some horrible unmistakable round ligament pain.
I thought I recall my ovidrel making my ta-tas sore, but I haven't experienced it this go around until this morning. I could barely put a bra on. If we were close to the time where the bosses are considering bonuses, I would have considered going without.
To round out my growing, wishing and hoping symptom list, I started some light pink spotting about two hours ago.
I shared my symptoms a few minutes ago with the nurse at my progesterone check-up. I'm mostly concerned about the pressure in my abdomen and the fact that it isn't occurring near my ovaries rather all about two inches below my belly button. She said it could be a number of things:
Thanks to the availability of some seriously cheap HPT's, I think I am going to start testing on Friday (10dpiui). Wait, who am I kidding....I will probably start testing by tomorrow morning because the anticipation is killing me. Plus I think I read somewhere that some people get positive HPT's two days after they see implantation bleeding.
In other news, I taught my son to give me a kiss on the cheek a few weeks ago. But now he will jump into my arms and give me a quick peck on the lips. It so sweet, it just makes my heart melt. However, as adorable as it is, it is going to get us in trouble. My son has now started to kiss the girls at daycare. Yikes!!
I woke up Saturday with some mild pressure in the lower center of my abdomen. I know I felt that feeling shortly after I got a positive HPT when I got pregnant with Gavin but I know I did not feel it this early.
Sunday the pressure got more persistent, like I've done a hundred sit ups (It's been a LONG time since I've done that many sit ups but I vaguely remember the sensation ;). The day culminated with some horrible unmistakable round ligament pain.
I thought I recall my ovidrel making my ta-tas sore, but I haven't experienced it this go around until this morning. I could barely put a bra on. If we were close to the time where the bosses are considering bonuses, I would have considered going without.
To round out my growing, wishing and hoping symptom list, I started some light pink spotting about two hours ago.
I shared my symptoms a few minutes ago with the nurse at my progesterone check-up. I'm mostly concerned about the pressure in my abdomen and the fact that it isn't occurring near my ovaries rather all about two inches below my belly button. She said it could be a number of things:
- I am indeed pregnant and my uterus is expanding already
- My ovaries have a large cyst on both, a clear sign that I did indeed release at least two eggs, which has caused all the pressure.
- The meds have caused me to start my period earlier than normal and what I am experiencing is not implantation bleeding.
Thanks to the availability of some seriously cheap HPT's, I think I am going to start testing on Friday (10dpiui). Wait, who am I kidding....I will probably start testing by tomorrow morning because the anticipation is killing me. Plus I think I read somewhere that some people get positive HPT's two days after they see implantation bleeding.
In other news, I taught my son to give me a kiss on the cheek a few weeks ago. But now he will jump into my arms and give me a quick peck on the lips. It so sweet, it just makes my heart melt. However, as adorable as it is, it is going to get us in trouble. My son has now started to kiss the girls at daycare. Yikes!!
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Calming Down
It's taken me a full week to come down from all the craziness from last week. The injectables made it really difficult to process everything, making me just a big emotional mess. After I put Gavin to bed, I spend most my night still wondering why this all happened, did I do the right thing, should I do more to prevent this from happening to other kids. I don't know if I will ever know any of the answers to these questions.
Gavin seems to be doing well at the new daycare. He still has a hard time when I leave him but when I call an hour later he is totally OK. Last night he didn't even want to leave because he was too busy flirting with a little girl. I didn't realize I would have to start the whole "No dating until your 16" thing so quickly!
I had my back-to-back IUI's on the 17th and 18th. They both went so smoothly and uneventful. For the first time in 10 iui's, the nurse allowed me to watch her process the donor sperm. I'm a total science dork so this was right up my alley and really made my day. She said the process was taking a lot longer than normal and then told me that this was the most sperm she has ever seen in a frozen sample, causing it to to thaw more slowly. Even better, I found out I have three mature follicles (2) 23's and one 21. I am hoping that this means I'm about to get a nice big positive pregnancy test on July 1st. Then again I want to be pregnant but I don't want multiples!!
Trying for a second child is so different than my experience trying for my first. I'm just not on pins and needles, analyzing every little twinge and cramp like I did before. I'm not consumed by this cycle to the point that I have allowed myself to enjoy a glass of wine last night and on Sunday night. That would have never happened when I was trying for Gavin. NO WAY.
I guess in some ways, I am using some reverse psychology on myself. The cycle I got pregnant with Gavin, I kind of gave up a couple times, convincing myself it wouldn't work and that I should not even get my hopes up. That mindset kept me a lot calmer than my previous attempts. This time, I was so nonchalant that I actually forgot what time my IUI was going to be at on Monday. I had to call and ask for the appointment time again.
While the smooth sailing IUI's helped me get some reprieve from my recent sadness, being able to tell the world that I was one of the key players in helping a community win $19.5 million (YES, NINETEEN AND HALF MILLION DOLLARS!!!!) on Monday has made me feel like I'm on top of the world!!! I still can't believe it, but I can't think of a better community that deserve to win this money. They are one of the few cities that I know of that, even if the public, local business leaders, and elected officials disagree, they still stand behind and support each other in everything they do. I wish some of our state and federal government would take sometime and learn the art of compromise from these amazing people!
Gavin seems to be doing well at the new daycare. He still has a hard time when I leave him but when I call an hour later he is totally OK. Last night he didn't even want to leave because he was too busy flirting with a little girl. I didn't realize I would have to start the whole "No dating until your 16" thing so quickly!
I had my back-to-back IUI's on the 17th and 18th. They both went so smoothly and uneventful. For the first time in 10 iui's, the nurse allowed me to watch her process the donor sperm. I'm a total science dork so this was right up my alley and really made my day. She said the process was taking a lot longer than normal and then told me that this was the most sperm she has ever seen in a frozen sample, causing it to to thaw more slowly. Even better, I found out I have three mature follicles (2) 23's and one 21. I am hoping that this means I'm about to get a nice big positive pregnancy test on July 1st. Then again I want to be pregnant but I don't want multiples!!
Trying for a second child is so different than my experience trying for my first. I'm just not on pins and needles, analyzing every little twinge and cramp like I did before. I'm not consumed by this cycle to the point that I have allowed myself to enjoy a glass of wine last night and on Sunday night. That would have never happened when I was trying for Gavin. NO WAY.
I guess in some ways, I am using some reverse psychology on myself. The cycle I got pregnant with Gavin, I kind of gave up a couple times, convincing myself it wouldn't work and that I should not even get my hopes up. That mindset kept me a lot calmer than my previous attempts. This time, I was so nonchalant that I actually forgot what time my IUI was going to be at on Monday. I had to call and ask for the appointment time again.
While the smooth sailing IUI's helped me get some reprieve from my recent sadness, being able to tell the world that I was one of the key players in helping a community win $19.5 million (YES, NINETEEN AND HALF MILLION DOLLARS!!!!) on Monday has made me feel like I'm on top of the world!!! I still can't believe it, but I can't think of a better community that deserve to win this money. They are one of the few cities that I know of that, even if the public, local business leaders, and elected officials disagree, they still stand behind and support each other in everything they do. I wish some of our state and federal government would take sometime and learn the art of compromise from these amazing people!
Friday, June 14, 2013
Lost For Words
This is a post that has been in the making for a few days now.
Wednesday:
I walked in on my daycare worker slapping a 18 month old, her grandson, in the face on Wednesday morning.
I am still trying to get my head wrapped around it all.
I pulled into daycare at my normal time to drop off Gavin. As I was walking up to the house, another parent was coming out. We sat and talked in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I walked into the house. After signing Gavin in, I walked down the long hallway into the kitchen, which opens into the den where the kids play. I could hear the TV on in the background and I could hear the daycare person sternly saying no but other than that I didn't hear a peep. Considering their were five other kids in the house at that point, in retrospect, the quietness was odd. As I turned to view the entire den, I watch the daycare person pick the 18 month old up by one arm and brought him to the side of a long couch where all the kids were sitting. She slapped the little boy's hand twice and said no. The little boy just stood there, expressionless and not resisting her. Then she hesitated for a second only to slap him in the face twice. The slap was not hard enough to leave a bruise, but hard enough were it probably left a red mark on his face. The little boy didn't cry or move a muscle.
I stood there watching this all take place. She clearly did not know there was someone else in the room because when I said her name and asked her "Did I just see you slap {name} in the face" she turned around, startled by me. She didn't respond to my question. She stepped away from the little boy, and walked towards me. Their was this long awkward silence. Still just blown away by what I saw, I said "I hope you are not hitting my kid like that". She finally responded saying no and that she would never do such a thing. She grabbed Gavin out of my arms and told my son to say goodbye to me. I wasn't thinking clearly, at all, and walked out, got into my car and left. As I got to work (a three minute drive away), panic struck in full force. I told work I was taking the day off and went home to quickly started to make phone calls to find a new daycare facility. Initially, I kept thinking he's ok there for a few hours because there was no way she would hurt Gavin, but as time ticked by and I began to digest more of what I saw I just realized I needed to get him out of there immediately, why risk it. A co-worker called a few minutes after I left to pick Gavin back up and told me she had called the local organization that recommended my daycare worker to me to report what had happened. They said they strongly recommend me filing a complaint with child services. As I drove back to daycare I called and filed a report.
When I arrived back at daycare, the door was locked as usual. The daycare workers granddaughter answered the door and announced across the room that Gavin's mom is here. I didn't want to start an argument, I said I just want my son. The daycare worker started saying "I want to talk to you about this morning". She then proceed to say things like "How dare you accuse me of slapping my grandson after all I have done for you" and "I can discipline my grandson anyway I want to". I tried walking further into the kitchen to grab Gavin, but the Granddaughter scooped him up and would not give him to me. After repeatedly saying, I just want my son, the granddaughter finally passed him over. I continued to remain silent as she continue to say I'm ungrateful. My silence was making her so mad she started to say really rudely "Hello, hello, hello". What do you say to all of this?? It was clear she didn't feel a bit regretful for slapping the little boy. As I started to walk out the door, I finally spoke and said I will pay her for another two weeks and then we will just call this the end. I was trying to keep it together, but I just couldn't keep myself from crying. This is a person who I thought of as a family member, a surrogate mother for me and grandmother to my son. I trusted her. There have been a couple things here and there that made me go "hmmm..." but nothing enough to indicate that she was hitting the kids.
As I put Gavin in his car seat she continued to yell, "how dare you accuse me of this". I finally said very calmly, which surprises me considering I was 6 days into stims, to her that "I'm not accusing her of it, I saw you do it". As I started pulling away from the house, she was still standing on her porch watching us go.
But things are not so black and white and I don't want to make her into a villain (I know this might not make sense to some people). A few months ago, my daycare worker got temporary custody of her fourth grandchild. Her daughter is a severe drug abuser and has lost each of her children because of her drug addiction problems. The youngest, the one who was slapped, was severely neglected and abused prior to my daycare worker getting custody. She fought to get custody of this little boy so that he would not have to suffer in the foster care system. I know she had only the best of intentions when she tried to get this little boy. I just don't think she was prepared to deal with all the behavioral problems that he came with. For the first few months, he would not show any emotion. At 15 months he still only drank bottles, could not communicate in anyway other than an occasional grunt and did not respond to any type of communication. He has the high energy of a toddler, but zero social skills. On numerous occasions, the daycare worker said she wish that she could get him in to a therapist but when she talked to the social worker about it, the social worker said they wont consider it until he is much older. I noticed as time wore on, she was becoming increasingly frustrated, exhausted and overwhelmed. She began to have a shorter fuse with him and a number of the other kids. I also never saw her or any of his siblings give him hugs or kisses. They aren't a touchy feely family to begin with but considering the hell this little boy went through, this kid needs affection more than ever to feel safe and secure.
Adding to her anxiety, she has an adult son who is bed bound and unable to communicate (he has severe cerebral palsy). Just a week ago she opened up and told me as much as she loves her son, she felt bad because lately she has been asking why god could do this to him and how she gets mad when people say she should be thankful for having him. My heart really goes out to her.
It is NEVER okay for a kid to be slapped in the face but I am lost between trying to advocate for her to get help and trying to get the little boy taken out of the situation.
Thursday:
The boy's case worker called me this morning to get more of the details. I voiced my concerns for the boys safety and well being but also made sure to point out that the daycare worker desperately needs help and that she seems very overwhelmed by all the things that are not going right in her life. The case worker agreed with what I was saying but did not indicate how they were going to resolve the situation. After we talked for sometime, he started saying some other kids names (5-6 names in total). I told him none of the names sound familiar. My mouth hit the floor when he said those are names of the kids who have parents who have called CPS on her over the last few years.
Now I'm sitting here wondering how I could not know there was a history of this? She has no criminal record. If what he was saying is true, how could cps turn her grandson over to her? Were these claims found to be false? There are so many questions running through my head right now. I want to believe this is an isolated incident, but now I can't help and wonder what was going on in that house when there were no other adults to supervise? Gavin is such a happy kid I don't think she did anything to him, but then again he has not wanted to go there for the last few weeks. He has had a number of busted lips and bruised foreheads, but he is learning how to walk and falls a lot. At the urging of my sister, I took Gavin to the pediatrician to have him checked out and as I suspected, he showed no physical signs of abuse. but the doctor was quick to point out that that does not prove that it has never happened.
All of these thoughts are swirling through my mind and I cannot focus on work or anything else. I am an emotional mess and am crying at a drop of a hat. Damn meds... I'm sure it is amplifying all of my emotions ten-fold.
Thank god my co-worker got Gavin into the daycare that her child goes to. He started this morning. He cried for the first 30 minutes but I guess once they fed him two pancakes, he cheered right up and started playing with the other kids. I guess the way to my little man's heart is food:)
Friday
Ok, these meds are making me so Amanda Bynesish. I'm all over the place. Crying one minute, laughing the next. I'm a pure mess. I'm trying to get a grip on the whole daycare person and grandson situation, but find myself fighting back all of my sadness over the whole sordid event. Then there is the pure happiness. I just found out that I have been placed in "quarantine" by the State because I used my super-sleuth skills to find out that ...... oh wait I can't tell you until Monday. But it's big...and one of the coolest things I've ever accomplished in my career to-date. Man do I hate keeping secrets.
With everything going on I haven't mentioned my IF treatment. I went in to be monitored on Tuesday and I had about 6 follicles but they were all under 10mm. It was a bummer of an appointment but I suspected it. Normally by that point I would be bloated and sore but I had zero symptoms.
They forgot that I was using donor sperm on this cycle and forgot to tell me to order my sperm on Tuesday. So when I brought this to their attention on Thursday, they thought it would be best if I have it delivered on Monday. I said multiple times, "Isn't that going to be too late"? But they said no.
Fast forward to today and I feel so bloated I had to bust out my old maternity pants because even my fat pants didn't fit. I have a 17, (2)16's, 15 and a 14. Again, forgetting there is donor sperm involved, they tried to set my IUI up for Sunday. Yeah, we are going to be missing approximately 10 million necessary things for that to happen. So now the plan is to coast on a lower dose of meds until Monday. I am just praying this will not cause my eggs to over-cook or for me to ovulate too early.
Wednesday:
I walked in on my daycare worker slapping a 18 month old, her grandson, in the face on Wednesday morning.
I am still trying to get my head wrapped around it all.
I pulled into daycare at my normal time to drop off Gavin. As I was walking up to the house, another parent was coming out. We sat and talked in the parking lot for a few minutes and then I walked into the house. After signing Gavin in, I walked down the long hallway into the kitchen, which opens into the den where the kids play. I could hear the TV on in the background and I could hear the daycare person sternly saying no but other than that I didn't hear a peep. Considering their were five other kids in the house at that point, in retrospect, the quietness was odd. As I turned to view the entire den, I watch the daycare person pick the 18 month old up by one arm and brought him to the side of a long couch where all the kids were sitting. She slapped the little boy's hand twice and said no. The little boy just stood there, expressionless and not resisting her. Then she hesitated for a second only to slap him in the face twice. The slap was not hard enough to leave a bruise, but hard enough were it probably left a red mark on his face. The little boy didn't cry or move a muscle.
I stood there watching this all take place. She clearly did not know there was someone else in the room because when I said her name and asked her "Did I just see you slap {name} in the face" she turned around, startled by me. She didn't respond to my question. She stepped away from the little boy, and walked towards me. Their was this long awkward silence. Still just blown away by what I saw, I said "I hope you are not hitting my kid like that". She finally responded saying no and that she would never do such a thing. She grabbed Gavin out of my arms and told my son to say goodbye to me. I wasn't thinking clearly, at all, and walked out, got into my car and left. As I got to work (a three minute drive away), panic struck in full force. I told work I was taking the day off and went home to quickly started to make phone calls to find a new daycare facility. Initially, I kept thinking he's ok there for a few hours because there was no way she would hurt Gavin, but as time ticked by and I began to digest more of what I saw I just realized I needed to get him out of there immediately, why risk it. A co-worker called a few minutes after I left to pick Gavin back up and told me she had called the local organization that recommended my daycare worker to me to report what had happened. They said they strongly recommend me filing a complaint with child services. As I drove back to daycare I called and filed a report.
When I arrived back at daycare, the door was locked as usual. The daycare workers granddaughter answered the door and announced across the room that Gavin's mom is here. I didn't want to start an argument, I said I just want my son. The daycare worker started saying "I want to talk to you about this morning". She then proceed to say things like "How dare you accuse me of slapping my grandson after all I have done for you" and "I can discipline my grandson anyway I want to". I tried walking further into the kitchen to grab Gavin, but the Granddaughter scooped him up and would not give him to me. After repeatedly saying, I just want my son, the granddaughter finally passed him over. I continued to remain silent as she continue to say I'm ungrateful. My silence was making her so mad she started to say really rudely "Hello, hello, hello". What do you say to all of this?? It was clear she didn't feel a bit regretful for slapping the little boy. As I started to walk out the door, I finally spoke and said I will pay her for another two weeks and then we will just call this the end. I was trying to keep it together, but I just couldn't keep myself from crying. This is a person who I thought of as a family member, a surrogate mother for me and grandmother to my son. I trusted her. There have been a couple things here and there that made me go "hmmm..." but nothing enough to indicate that she was hitting the kids.
As I put Gavin in his car seat she continued to yell, "how dare you accuse me of this". I finally said very calmly, which surprises me considering I was 6 days into stims, to her that "I'm not accusing her of it, I saw you do it". As I started pulling away from the house, she was still standing on her porch watching us go.
But things are not so black and white and I don't want to make her into a villain (I know this might not make sense to some people). A few months ago, my daycare worker got temporary custody of her fourth grandchild. Her daughter is a severe drug abuser and has lost each of her children because of her drug addiction problems. The youngest, the one who was slapped, was severely neglected and abused prior to my daycare worker getting custody. She fought to get custody of this little boy so that he would not have to suffer in the foster care system. I know she had only the best of intentions when she tried to get this little boy. I just don't think she was prepared to deal with all the behavioral problems that he came with. For the first few months, he would not show any emotion. At 15 months he still only drank bottles, could not communicate in anyway other than an occasional grunt and did not respond to any type of communication. He has the high energy of a toddler, but zero social skills. On numerous occasions, the daycare worker said she wish that she could get him in to a therapist but when she talked to the social worker about it, the social worker said they wont consider it until he is much older. I noticed as time wore on, she was becoming increasingly frustrated, exhausted and overwhelmed. She began to have a shorter fuse with him and a number of the other kids. I also never saw her or any of his siblings give him hugs or kisses. They aren't a touchy feely family to begin with but considering the hell this little boy went through, this kid needs affection more than ever to feel safe and secure.
Adding to her anxiety, she has an adult son who is bed bound and unable to communicate (he has severe cerebral palsy). Just a week ago she opened up and told me as much as she loves her son, she felt bad because lately she has been asking why god could do this to him and how she gets mad when people say she should be thankful for having him. My heart really goes out to her.
It is NEVER okay for a kid to be slapped in the face but I am lost between trying to advocate for her to get help and trying to get the little boy taken out of the situation.
Thursday:
The boy's case worker called me this morning to get more of the details. I voiced my concerns for the boys safety and well being but also made sure to point out that the daycare worker desperately needs help and that she seems very overwhelmed by all the things that are not going right in her life. The case worker agreed with what I was saying but did not indicate how they were going to resolve the situation. After we talked for sometime, he started saying some other kids names (5-6 names in total). I told him none of the names sound familiar. My mouth hit the floor when he said those are names of the kids who have parents who have called CPS on her over the last few years.
Now I'm sitting here wondering how I could not know there was a history of this? She has no criminal record. If what he was saying is true, how could cps turn her grandson over to her? Were these claims found to be false? There are so many questions running through my head right now. I want to believe this is an isolated incident, but now I can't help and wonder what was going on in that house when there were no other adults to supervise? Gavin is such a happy kid I don't think she did anything to him, but then again he has not wanted to go there for the last few weeks. He has had a number of busted lips and bruised foreheads, but he is learning how to walk and falls a lot. At the urging of my sister, I took Gavin to the pediatrician to have him checked out and as I suspected, he showed no physical signs of abuse. but the doctor was quick to point out that that does not prove that it has never happened.
All of these thoughts are swirling through my mind and I cannot focus on work or anything else. I am an emotional mess and am crying at a drop of a hat. Damn meds... I'm sure it is amplifying all of my emotions ten-fold.
Thank god my co-worker got Gavin into the daycare that her child goes to. He started this morning. He cried for the first 30 minutes but I guess once they fed him two pancakes, he cheered right up and started playing with the other kids. I guess the way to my little man's heart is food:)
Friday
Ok, these meds are making me so Amanda Bynesish. I'm all over the place. Crying one minute, laughing the next. I'm a pure mess. I'm trying to get a grip on the whole daycare person and grandson situation, but find myself fighting back all of my sadness over the whole sordid event. Then there is the pure happiness. I just found out that I have been placed in "quarantine" by the State because I used my super-sleuth skills to find out that ...... oh wait I can't tell you until Monday. But it's big...and one of the coolest things I've ever accomplished in my career to-date. Man do I hate keeping secrets.
With everything going on I haven't mentioned my IF treatment. I went in to be monitored on Tuesday and I had about 6 follicles but they were all under 10mm. It was a bummer of an appointment but I suspected it. Normally by that point I would be bloated and sore but I had zero symptoms.
They forgot that I was using donor sperm on this cycle and forgot to tell me to order my sperm on Tuesday. So when I brought this to their attention on Thursday, they thought it would be best if I have it delivered on Monday. I said multiple times, "Isn't that going to be too late"? But they said no.
Fast forward to today and I feel so bloated I had to bust out my old maternity pants because even my fat pants didn't fit. I have a 17, (2)16's, 15 and a 14. Again, forgetting there is donor sperm involved, they tried to set my IUI up for Sunday. Yeah, we are going to be missing approximately 10 million necessary things for that to happen. So now the plan is to coast on a lower dose of meds until Monday. I am just praying this will not cause my eggs to over-cook or for me to ovulate too early.
Wednesday, June 5, 2013
CD3 or 4
My cycle has been all over the place lately so when I went to do my day 3 monitoring, I said something to the nurse. Aunt Flo ended this morning so she told me to consider this day 4 and since I had no cysts (Yippee!!) I can start meds tomorrow night.
Woot! Woot!! Here we go!!!
Woot! Woot!! Here we go!!!
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
Since My Last Post...
Gavin was so sick for a week, it made me realize how important it is for me to move closer to family. Within a day after my last post, Gavin's fever shot up to 105 again causing him to have a seizure. Words cannot even explain how terrifying it was but thankfully his condition improved within a few days and he is now back to his normal self.
Well, I shouldn't say "normal", because it seems like he has hit the terrible two's stage a little earlier than expected. He is really testing his boundaries lately so I had to give him his first time out. I figured I would take a tip from Supernanny and try to get him to stay on the first step of our staircase for a 30 second time out after he continually tried to open the oven door while I was baking. Oh the tears, screaming and kicking. After a few times of me bringing him back to the step, he calmed down and, much to my surprise, has not touched the oven since.
A week after Gavin started feeling better, we decided to attend a local event for mothers and mothers-to-be. Since I was all over the place with my decision to have another little one, I thought it would be a great event to attend to help me make up my mind. Of course how could I say no after being surrounded by newborns and pregnant ladies. I left the event with a great ol' bag of goodies including a bag of newborn diapers. I forgot how small those little diapers are! They are just so cute!!
I want to tell you that from that moment out I had definitely made up my mind but I still didn't feel 100% about my decision. If I had endless access to money, I wouldn't hesitate. But of course I am not a wealthy person; however, I am a resourceful and determined person. So I have made a promise to myself to start babysitting more often on the weekends so I can pay off my car earlier. Once my car is paid off, I will have more than enough to have another child and still have a large enough monthly financial cushion that I can feel good about. Having a plan has helped me to feel a little more confident about going forward with TTC #2. With that said, I am now CD 2 and am going in for my day 3 lab and ultrasound tomorrow. All those familiar feelings that go along with starting a cycle have come flooding back. I can't believe I'm doing this, but so exited to know that, if I'm lucky, I might be staring at a positive pregnancy test in just 30 days!
Well, I shouldn't say "normal", because it seems like he has hit the terrible two's stage a little earlier than expected. He is really testing his boundaries lately so I had to give him his first time out. I figured I would take a tip from Supernanny and try to get him to stay on the first step of our staircase for a 30 second time out after he continually tried to open the oven door while I was baking. Oh the tears, screaming and kicking. After a few times of me bringing him back to the step, he calmed down and, much to my surprise, has not touched the oven since.
A week after Gavin started feeling better, we decided to attend a local event for mothers and mothers-to-be. Since I was all over the place with my decision to have another little one, I thought it would be a great event to attend to help me make up my mind. Of course how could I say no after being surrounded by newborns and pregnant ladies. I left the event with a great ol' bag of goodies including a bag of newborn diapers. I forgot how small those little diapers are! They are just so cute!!
I want to tell you that from that moment out I had definitely made up my mind but I still didn't feel 100% about my decision. If I had endless access to money, I wouldn't hesitate. But of course I am not a wealthy person; however, I am a resourceful and determined person. So I have made a promise to myself to start babysitting more often on the weekends so I can pay off my car earlier. Once my car is paid off, I will have more than enough to have another child and still have a large enough monthly financial cushion that I can feel good about. Having a plan has helped me to feel a little more confident about going forward with TTC #2. With that said, I am now CD 2 and am going in for my day 3 lab and ultrasound tomorrow. All those familiar feelings that go along with starting a cycle have come flooding back. I can't believe I'm doing this, but so exited to know that, if I'm lucky, I might be staring at a positive pregnancy test in just 30 days!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Scary Weekend
Gavin has had three teeth working their way up for the last week. The last set of teeth to come in were accompanied by excessive drooling, crankiness and low grade fever. Gavin started to have the same symptoms again last Sunday so I didn't think that much about it. All week, his fevers never went above 100 degrees until Friday, when daycare called to say that his fever jumped to 103 degrees and he broke out into a rash. I picked him up and headed over to the doctors office. Gavin was his typical goofy self, laughing and giggling in the back seat like nothing was wrong. I felt a little silly taking him in, but the rash was a little weird looking and since he had strep just two weeks ago I thought their was a chance that it was back. But the strep test came out negative so the doctor just sent us home, telling me to give him motrin, tylenol and benadryl. After a few doses, his fever dropped back to 100 degrees by bedtime. I checked on him a couple times during the night and, while he felt a little warm to the touch, it wasn't anything to be overly concerned about.
All that changed in the morning when he woke up with another 103 degree temp. After a dose of motrin, the fever, again went down to 100 degrees. Once Gavin woke up from his nap, we began playing on the floor. Things were going well and we were having a good time until he suddenly stopped banging on his xylephone, got this blank look on his face and slumped to the floor. His eyes were still open and he was tracking my movement but he wasn't making a sound. As I quickly picked him up, I could instantly tell that he was burning up. I made the snap decision to race him to the ER. I can't even begin to express how terrified I was. As I placed him in his car seat, he seemed to become a little more alert which gave me a false sense that maybe I was overreacting. As I sped to the hospital, he again slumped into his chair, never opening his eyes or responding to me touching him or talking to him. I ran him into the hospital, were they immediately brought us back into triage.
My son is a flirt, and as I found out yesterday, able to flirt even when he is incredibly sick. He laughed and giggled with the nurses, which I'm sure made the nurses think I was lying about what I just observed. They took their time taking his weight and O2 levels. They finally place him on the bed and were blown away when his temp was 105.2. They quickly gave him more motrin and took him into another room to see the doctor. Even the doctor was a little taken aback by Gavin climbing and running all over the hospital room. The doctor decided to do a chest xray to make sure he didn't have pneumonia but said that his fever was probably just a virus and that if Gavin was really in danger, he would not be giving the doctor high fives or flirting with the nurses. Of course the chest xray came out negative so they sent us on our way once Gavin's fever got down to 102.
Since leaving, Gavin's fever keeps going into the 104 range and it is scaring me to death. I am aggressively keeping him on a motrin/tylenol rotation every three hours but it just doesn't seem to give him any relief. I feel so helpless and hate seeing my little guy so sick.
I am planning on staying at home with him tomorrow but I am down to my last three days of sick time. Since the first of the year, Gavin has had the norovirus which made him sick for 8 days, strep for two days and this illness has taken me out of work for a day and half. I am praying that he will stay healthy for the rest of the year. At this point, I can't imagine trying to get pregnant the rest of the year because if I have any problems during my pregnancy and have to miss work, they will probably fire me (We have a clause in our contract that will not let us take time out of work that is not covered by our sick and vacation time unless it falls under FMLA). I guess my hesitation to start trying again was a sign of things to come.
All that changed in the morning when he woke up with another 103 degree temp. After a dose of motrin, the fever, again went down to 100 degrees. Once Gavin woke up from his nap, we began playing on the floor. Things were going well and we were having a good time until he suddenly stopped banging on his xylephone, got this blank look on his face and slumped to the floor. His eyes were still open and he was tracking my movement but he wasn't making a sound. As I quickly picked him up, I could instantly tell that he was burning up. I made the snap decision to race him to the ER. I can't even begin to express how terrified I was. As I placed him in his car seat, he seemed to become a little more alert which gave me a false sense that maybe I was overreacting. As I sped to the hospital, he again slumped into his chair, never opening his eyes or responding to me touching him or talking to him. I ran him into the hospital, were they immediately brought us back into triage.
My son is a flirt, and as I found out yesterday, able to flirt even when he is incredibly sick. He laughed and giggled with the nurses, which I'm sure made the nurses think I was lying about what I just observed. They took their time taking his weight and O2 levels. They finally place him on the bed and were blown away when his temp was 105.2. They quickly gave him more motrin and took him into another room to see the doctor. Even the doctor was a little taken aback by Gavin climbing and running all over the hospital room. The doctor decided to do a chest xray to make sure he didn't have pneumonia but said that his fever was probably just a virus and that if Gavin was really in danger, he would not be giving the doctor high fives or flirting with the nurses. Of course the chest xray came out negative so they sent us on our way once Gavin's fever got down to 102.
Since leaving, Gavin's fever keeps going into the 104 range and it is scaring me to death. I am aggressively keeping him on a motrin/tylenol rotation every three hours but it just doesn't seem to give him any relief. I feel so helpless and hate seeing my little guy so sick.
I am planning on staying at home with him tomorrow but I am down to my last three days of sick time. Since the first of the year, Gavin has had the norovirus which made him sick for 8 days, strep for two days and this illness has taken me out of work for a day and half. I am praying that he will stay healthy for the rest of the year. At this point, I can't imagine trying to get pregnant the rest of the year because if I have any problems during my pregnancy and have to miss work, they will probably fire me (We have a clause in our contract that will not let us take time out of work that is not covered by our sick and vacation time unless it falls under FMLA). I guess my hesitation to start trying again was a sign of things to come.
Thursday, May 2, 2013
CD1
The day has come to start my first cycle and I just can't get myself to make the phone call to my RE. What happened? Last month I was so ready to start trying (but couldn't because of work commitments) and now I can't stop second guessing my decision. I want Gavin to have a sibling but I know adding another baby into the mix is going to turn our life upside down. I'm sure it will be a "good" upside down, but I can't get over how I will deal with the logistical issues like getting two kids ready in the morning, grocery shopping, traveling 6 hours to my parents house, etc. I want to wait until I sort out all of these anxieties but now I have all these meds sitting in my refrigerator inching it's way to their expiration date.
At first glance, waiting one more month before I start trying wont be the end of the world but then again I do feel like my body is still in the"Now or Never" state, after all, I'm not getting any younger. Going forward is such a monumental decision that doesn't just affect me, it affects Gavin as well, it's hard to know whether having baby two right now is the right decision.
The RE wants us to call on CD 1 but it's okay to call the first thing in the morning of CD 2. That leaves me with 17 hours to decide what I want to do.
At first glance, waiting one more month before I start trying wont be the end of the world but then again I do feel like my body is still in the"Now or Never" state, after all, I'm not getting any younger. Going forward is such a monumental decision that doesn't just affect me, it affects Gavin as well, it's hard to know whether having baby two right now is the right decision.
The RE wants us to call on CD 1 but it's okay to call the first thing in the morning of CD 2. That leaves me with 17 hours to decide what I want to do.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
He's Running!!
Gavin has been cruising around furniture since November. He would take a few steps here and there but for the most part he prefered crawling or being carried. Today, out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the dog trot from the living room into the kitchen. Gavin was standing right next to me but then turned around and just ran after the dog....like he had been doing it for years. OMG!! It took me a few seconds to digest what I was seeing. I'm so proud of my little guy!
As T42, I think I am going to stick with Dr. B. Just the thought of going back to Dr. G's office makes me sick to my stomach.
Dr. B's office gave me all the codes they use to bill insurance for bloodwork and ultrasounds so that I could see which ones my insurance covers. Everytime I think we have determined that they will cover them, somebody comes along and says they don't. Hopefully by using the actual codes, we can be done with this once and for all.
Thank you Bun In The Oven! I am definitely going to see if there is any bloodwork we can cut out if my insurance wont cover it.
As T42, I think I am going to stick with Dr. B. Just the thought of going back to Dr. G's office makes me sick to my stomach.
Dr. B's office gave me all the codes they use to bill insurance for bloodwork and ultrasounds so that I could see which ones my insurance covers. Everytime I think we have determined that they will cover them, somebody comes along and says they don't. Hopefully by using the actual codes, we can be done with this once and for all.
Thank you Bun In The Oven! I am definitely going to see if there is any bloodwork we can cut out if my insurance wont cover it.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Spoke To Soon - Big Decision Time
It's amazing how quickly this pre-fertility treatment roller coaster hits it's peaks and valleys. Today I got the phone call to go over the cost of treatment with my old RE, Dr. B. I was rendered speechless when the financial counselor told me my IUI treatment (with the cost of monitoring, bloodwork and two IUI's) would equal $3500. Granted, since my last cycle with Dr. B., he has stuck out with another partner and I knew that his costs would change a little bit but not by $2000. I stayed calm and asked her if she was sure this price was accurate, because if so, I would regrettably have to go to another doctor. She told me she wanted to make a phone call to check on the price and that she would call me back as soon as she got an answer.
As I hung up, my phone began ringing. It was the drug rep telling me that my medication will be waiting for me at my doctors office by the end of the day. CRAP!! I know I cannot afford to go through a cycle at Dr. B's office. Now what do I do? After the medicine ships they wont let you switch RE's.
My mind started racing. I called another clinic that had just opened up a month ago and they told me they charged between $450 (unmonitored cycle) to $1800. The earliest they could give me an appointment for was mid May. I have to use my meds by no later than mid june so I would be cutting it really close.
With mixed emotions, I decided to call back Dr. G's office to see exactly what a cost of an IUI cycle would be at his office. With all the same services as Dr. B's quote sans one IUI, the total was around $800. Since this is something that I could afford, and quickly, I decided to start asking more questions about the protocol they gave me and why they wouldn't move my dose up since we already know that dosage of gonal-f doesn't do anything for me. I thought maybe I should give them a chance, but that's when I found out they either A) lost the chart we sent over from Dr. B's office (And I swear that is why Dr. G was telling me that I was being overcharged and using a dangerous protocol when I was at Dr. B's office) or B) They never got my chart in the first place. She said they did not have any proof that the lower dose wouldn't work, so this is the direction they wanted to go with me. She then proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't feel in such a rush to do a cycle because my bloodwork was completely NORMAL!!! It just floors me because she told me last time we talked that I should move as quickly as possibly because I have incredibly low AMH and super high estrogen, which sent me into panic mode. While my AMH isn't great (.57) my FSH is 6.4 and my E2 was 33, acceptable levels. It took all my strength to not show how pissed I was. I then brought up the FDA labwork again. I told her I consulted with another RE in the area and how he said that all our hospitals in the area are FDA certified and that going to them would suffice (which I did have the labwork done on Thursday afternoon) instead of paying $255 in cash to ship and test the blood/urince up at the FDA lab located in the state capital. She nonchalantly says its okay to get the testing done anywhere I wanted. It was the final straw for me, I just told her I needed to take some time to decide how I am going to proceed.
Shortly after I hung up with Dr. G's office, Dr. B's office called me back and told me there was some misunderstanding and that the total cost of the IUI cycle would be $1950. It is still a higher cost over the two other quotes I got but it is significantly better than $3500.
So I now need to decide:
A) Continue with Dr. B, who I trust and love his staff, and suck it up and pay the extra cost.
B) Wait until my appointment at the new clinic so that I can save myself $200, risking that they might not be able to do my first cycle until after my mid-June cut off date and losing my free medications. Thankfully I know a lot of the nurses at the clinic, because many of them use to work for Dr. B, and I know for a fact they are great.
C) Return to Dr. G's office, where I can almost guarantee I will continue to get the run-around and a slew of mis-information but save myself over $1000.
Decisions, Decisions.
As I hung up, my phone began ringing. It was the drug rep telling me that my medication will be waiting for me at my doctors office by the end of the day. CRAP!! I know I cannot afford to go through a cycle at Dr. B's office. Now what do I do? After the medicine ships they wont let you switch RE's.
My mind started racing. I called another clinic that had just opened up a month ago and they told me they charged between $450 (unmonitored cycle) to $1800. The earliest they could give me an appointment for was mid May. I have to use my meds by no later than mid june so I would be cutting it really close.
With mixed emotions, I decided to call back Dr. G's office to see exactly what a cost of an IUI cycle would be at his office. With all the same services as Dr. B's quote sans one IUI, the total was around $800. Since this is something that I could afford, and quickly, I decided to start asking more questions about the protocol they gave me and why they wouldn't move my dose up since we already know that dosage of gonal-f doesn't do anything for me. I thought maybe I should give them a chance, but that's when I found out they either A) lost the chart we sent over from Dr. B's office (And I swear that is why Dr. G was telling me that I was being overcharged and using a dangerous protocol when I was at Dr. B's office) or B) They never got my chart in the first place. She said they did not have any proof that the lower dose wouldn't work, so this is the direction they wanted to go with me. She then proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't feel in such a rush to do a cycle because my bloodwork was completely NORMAL!!! It just floors me because she told me last time we talked that I should move as quickly as possibly because I have incredibly low AMH and super high estrogen, which sent me into panic mode. While my AMH isn't great (.57) my FSH is 6.4 and my E2 was 33, acceptable levels. It took all my strength to not show how pissed I was. I then brought up the FDA labwork again. I told her I consulted with another RE in the area and how he said that all our hospitals in the area are FDA certified and that going to them would suffice (which I did have the labwork done on Thursday afternoon) instead of paying $255 in cash to ship and test the blood/urince up at the FDA lab located in the state capital. She nonchalantly says its okay to get the testing done anywhere I wanted. It was the final straw for me, I just told her I needed to take some time to decide how I am going to proceed.
Shortly after I hung up with Dr. G's office, Dr. B's office called me back and told me there was some misunderstanding and that the total cost of the IUI cycle would be $1950. It is still a higher cost over the two other quotes I got but it is significantly better than $3500.
So I now need to decide:
A) Continue with Dr. B, who I trust and love his staff, and suck it up and pay the extra cost.
B) Wait until my appointment at the new clinic so that I can save myself $200, risking that they might not be able to do my first cycle until after my mid-June cut off date and losing my free medications. Thankfully I know a lot of the nurses at the clinic, because many of them use to work for Dr. B, and I know for a fact they are great.
C) Return to Dr. G's office, where I can almost guarantee I will continue to get the run-around and a slew of mis-information but save myself over $1000.
Decisions, Decisions.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Moving Forward And Not Looking Back
After screwing up my FDA lab work (infectious disease lab work) for a second time, and finding out that the doctor's office has lost the FDA paperwork sent by my cryogenic facility for a third time, I am calling it quits with my new RE. Filling out proper paperwork and labs should not be harder than going through a cycle.
As I shared my experience of the doctor's office with a co-worker, she reminded me to re-check which doctors are in our network, because we switched insurance companies again Jan 1st. I seriously was jumping up and down in my office when I found out my old RE, Dr. B was now back in my network.
Ever since Friday, things have just fallen into place perfectly. When I called Dr. B's office to set up an appointment, they offered to let me come in on Wednesday afternoon, which I gladly took. Walking into the office, it was like being welcomed back home. They are just so friendly, caring and compassionate. Dr B sat down and explained that he would not trust the low AMH numbers but he wanted to run the tests again just in case. Unlike the last doctor, he said it was important to do back to back IUI's because we are using frozen sperm which tend not to live as long as fresh (makes sense to me). Without me even telling him what protocol the last doctor wanted to do, he said he wanted to start me off at the gonal-f dose I was on when I got pregnant with Gavin and that to do anything less would just be going backwards. When, I left the house this morning, I got a phone call stating that they have everything place, with the exception of the infectious disease testing (which they said I could just get done at the local hospital and have my insurance cover it), and that I could start my first cycle anytime I wanted. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What is even more exciting is that five minutes before my appointment I got a phone call from the a drug rep that said I qualified for their free medication program! I will get one cycle of medication (up to $3000 worth) for FREE! I've been doing the happy dance all over the place:)
As I shared my experience of the doctor's office with a co-worker, she reminded me to re-check which doctors are in our network, because we switched insurance companies again Jan 1st. I seriously was jumping up and down in my office when I found out my old RE, Dr. B was now back in my network.
Ever since Friday, things have just fallen into place perfectly. When I called Dr. B's office to set up an appointment, they offered to let me come in on Wednesday afternoon, which I gladly took. Walking into the office, it was like being welcomed back home. They are just so friendly, caring and compassionate. Dr B sat down and explained that he would not trust the low AMH numbers but he wanted to run the tests again just in case. Unlike the last doctor, he said it was important to do back to back IUI's because we are using frozen sperm which tend not to live as long as fresh (makes sense to me). Without me even telling him what protocol the last doctor wanted to do, he said he wanted to start me off at the gonal-f dose I was on when I got pregnant with Gavin and that to do anything less would just be going backwards. When, I left the house this morning, I got a phone call stating that they have everything place, with the exception of the infectious disease testing (which they said I could just get done at the local hospital and have my insurance cover it), and that I could start my first cycle anytime I wanted. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
What is even more exciting is that five minutes before my appointment I got a phone call from the a drug rep that said I qualified for their free medication program! I will get one cycle of medication (up to $3000 worth) for FREE! I've been doing the happy dance all over the place:)
Thursday, March 14, 2013
The Pre-Infertility Treatment Rollercoaster
The good part of this month thus far:
Gavin and I went on our cruise! It was so awesome and relaxing. My parents joined us so they could spend some quality time with their grandson. We celebrated his birthday with a cake on he first night. After the waiters finished singing happy birthday he gave out high-fives and blew kisses. He's such a flirt! So many people in our family said not to take him, but I think he had more fun than we did (and I had a lot of fun). The staff on the Carnival Dream were fantastic and played with him every chance they got. I definitely spent more time in the cabin than I have had on previous cruises but we got a balcony this time so I could hangout their when Gavin was napping. I think one of the best things about taking him was giving him a chance try different cuisines and socialize with a wide array of people.
I applied for a program to get my infertility meds for free. It's an income based program and I am teetering on their cutoff threshold. I should find out whether or not I am accepted next week. Crossing my fingers...
I applied for the new hope IVF trial in NYC but was denied, I'm sure its probably because of my weight (They want a BMI less than 32) but if anyone is interested you should check out http://www.ivfclinicaltrial.com/
The bad part of this month thus far:
I broke my foot the day before we left for the cruise. The funny part of the story is that I broke it by tripping over Gavin's potty chair in the bathroom. Needless to say, potty training isn't going well for us ;) Thank god the first four days of the trip I could just rest and keep my foot up. Of course the easy access to pina coladas helped dull the pain too.
And then there is the T42 roller coaster. Right before we left for the cruise, the new RE provided me with my protocol for my first IUI with him. Admittedly, I'm not a doctor so I shouldn't be second guessing his protocol, but I really don't feel comfortable with it. He wants me to start on a low-dose gonal-f protocol (75iu). Considering that my cycle that resulted in the birth of Gavin began with 5 days at 200iu and then ended with two days of 225 iu, all to result in three good size follies, I doubt a low-dose protocol will stimulate my ovaries enough to create any follies.
Given the low amh (0.47), I don't feel like I have a lot of time to start all over with a protocol that hasn't worked in the pass. This is especially true since my insurance company will no longer cover the cost of my medication.
I should have been able to start my first cycle this past sunday but my cycle started 6 days early. I was bummed but it has turned into a blessing because I have been having serious issues with a miscommunication between my HR department and our insurance co. I was told that the IUI procedure and medication would not be covered by HR. I knew the IUI wasn't covered because it wasn't covered when I was trying to conceive Gavin and the medication coverage ended the same month of my last IUI. Prior to going in for my consultation with the new RE, I asked my HR person to call the insurance company to confirm what items the insurance co. would cover. She said it wasn't necessary because nothing had changed in the last two years and that the company would cover ultrasounds and bloodwork. So I went and submitted the information to the RE and went in for my initial bloodwork. I have not recieved a bill from the bloodwork yet which I wasn't worried about because my insurance should have covered it. Today I receive a call from the RE saying that they forgot to do my FDA labs and that I needed to come in and do the labwork and pay $225. I explained that this should be submitted to my insurance and the nurse told me that my insurance will not cover the testing. WTH? I decided to go to my HR person to find out the answer and she told me that nothing should be covered (which is clearly not what she told me two months ago) and that I should expect to receive a bill for my initial bloodwork. Unfortunately it was too late in the day to get a hold of the insurance company to confirm so now I need to wait until the morning to find out whether or not it is covered. If this isn't covered, it means my cost of the IUI just went from $300 (without the cost of DS and meds) to ~$2000. I guess I am going to be on pin and needles for the next 13 hours until we get this all straightened out.
To add to this shit-tastic week, my ditzy secretary backed up and hit my car on Tuesday. Thank god her insurance should cover the $3000 worth of damage along with the cost of the rental car.
I have been trying to do as much research on low amh as I can. I found it semi-reassuring that it doesn't mean I'm not going to ovulate or that it directly relates to poor egg quality. I think my goal for the next month is to focus on losing weight and de-stressing to see if that will help to improve my numbers. I also need to hope that my cycle begins around the 24th or I'm going to have to skip this cycle too because I have a conference to be at in Mid-april. Ugh, back on the rollercoaster and I haven't even gotten in the stirrups yet!
Gavin and I went on our cruise! It was so awesome and relaxing. My parents joined us so they could spend some quality time with their grandson. We celebrated his birthday with a cake on he first night. After the waiters finished singing happy birthday he gave out high-fives and blew kisses. He's such a flirt! So many people in our family said not to take him, but I think he had more fun than we did (and I had a lot of fun). The staff on the Carnival Dream were fantastic and played with him every chance they got. I definitely spent more time in the cabin than I have had on previous cruises but we got a balcony this time so I could hangout their when Gavin was napping. I think one of the best things about taking him was giving him a chance try different cuisines and socialize with a wide array of people.
I applied for a program to get my infertility meds for free. It's an income based program and I am teetering on their cutoff threshold. I should find out whether or not I am accepted next week. Crossing my fingers...
I applied for the new hope IVF trial in NYC but was denied, I'm sure its probably because of my weight (They want a BMI less than 32) but if anyone is interested you should check out http://www.ivfclinicaltrial.com/
The bad part of this month thus far:
I broke my foot the day before we left for the cruise. The funny part of the story is that I broke it by tripping over Gavin's potty chair in the bathroom. Needless to say, potty training isn't going well for us ;) Thank god the first four days of the trip I could just rest and keep my foot up. Of course the easy access to pina coladas helped dull the pain too.
And then there is the T42 roller coaster. Right before we left for the cruise, the new RE provided me with my protocol for my first IUI with him. Admittedly, I'm not a doctor so I shouldn't be second guessing his protocol, but I really don't feel comfortable with it. He wants me to start on a low-dose gonal-f protocol (75iu). Considering that my cycle that resulted in the birth of Gavin began with 5 days at 200iu and then ended with two days of 225 iu, all to result in three good size follies, I doubt a low-dose protocol will stimulate my ovaries enough to create any follies.
Given the low amh (0.47), I don't feel like I have a lot of time to start all over with a protocol that hasn't worked in the pass. This is especially true since my insurance company will no longer cover the cost of my medication.
I should have been able to start my first cycle this past sunday but my cycle started 6 days early. I was bummed but it has turned into a blessing because I have been having serious issues with a miscommunication between my HR department and our insurance co. I was told that the IUI procedure and medication would not be covered by HR. I knew the IUI wasn't covered because it wasn't covered when I was trying to conceive Gavin and the medication coverage ended the same month of my last IUI. Prior to going in for my consultation with the new RE, I asked my HR person to call the insurance company to confirm what items the insurance co. would cover. She said it wasn't necessary because nothing had changed in the last two years and that the company would cover ultrasounds and bloodwork. So I went and submitted the information to the RE and went in for my initial bloodwork. I have not recieved a bill from the bloodwork yet which I wasn't worried about because my insurance should have covered it. Today I receive a call from the RE saying that they forgot to do my FDA labs and that I needed to come in and do the labwork and pay $225. I explained that this should be submitted to my insurance and the nurse told me that my insurance will not cover the testing. WTH? I decided to go to my HR person to find out the answer and she told me that nothing should be covered (which is clearly not what she told me two months ago) and that I should expect to receive a bill for my initial bloodwork. Unfortunately it was too late in the day to get a hold of the insurance company to confirm so now I need to wait until the morning to find out whether or not it is covered. If this isn't covered, it means my cost of the IUI just went from $300 (without the cost of DS and meds) to ~$2000. I guess I am going to be on pin and needles for the next 13 hours until we get this all straightened out.
To add to this shit-tastic week, my ditzy secretary backed up and hit my car on Tuesday. Thank god her insurance should cover the $3000 worth of damage along with the cost of the rental car.
I have been trying to do as much research on low amh as I can. I found it semi-reassuring that it doesn't mean I'm not going to ovulate or that it directly relates to poor egg quality. I think my goal for the next month is to focus on losing weight and de-stressing to see if that will help to improve my numbers. I also need to hope that my cycle begins around the 24th or I'm going to have to skip this cycle too because I have a conference to be at in Mid-april. Ugh, back on the rollercoaster and I haven't even gotten in the stirrups yet!
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Caution: Things May Not Be As They Seem
First off...Gavin is turning 1 tomorrow! Yippee!! I couldn't help myself and decided to turn it into a week long celebration by giving him a small present each morning. It is starting with a book and then culminates in a Fisher Price Rock 'n' Roll Trike. He will never remember this but at least we are having a lot of fun.
As for baby number two, I feel lied too. The new doc got my hopes up only to receive my bloodwork back which revealed I have low AMH. My first doc was right after all and I need to use injectables. I've spent the last week depressed at the thought that while I might still have a chance to have another baby, this will most likely be my last one (If I'm lucky enough to conceive). I'm torn between asking to do IVF so I can freeze some embies or just to do an IUI. I'm trying to stay calm but its really hard to do when I don't feel confident in my decision. No matter which route I take, I am going to have to wait until April to go for my first cycle. I got the call this morning that the new doctors office forgot to do my FDA bloodwork (testing for std's) which is required when using donor sperm. The results wont come in for a week, causing me to miss this next cycle. I hope this isn't a sign of future issues with this new doctor.
For now I am going to focus on some of the tips to improve my AMH that I found on line. I'm hoping that by changing my diet, it will boost my chances. Crossing my fingers.
As for baby number two, I feel lied too. The new doc got my hopes up only to receive my bloodwork back which revealed I have low AMH. My first doc was right after all and I need to use injectables. I've spent the last week depressed at the thought that while I might still have a chance to have another baby, this will most likely be my last one (If I'm lucky enough to conceive). I'm torn between asking to do IVF so I can freeze some embies or just to do an IUI. I'm trying to stay calm but its really hard to do when I don't feel confident in my decision. No matter which route I take, I am going to have to wait until April to go for my first cycle. I got the call this morning that the new doctors office forgot to do my FDA bloodwork (testing for std's) which is required when using donor sperm. The results wont come in for a week, causing me to miss this next cycle. I hope this isn't a sign of future issues with this new doctor.
For now I am going to focus on some of the tips to improve my AMH that I found on line. I'm hoping that by changing my diet, it will boost my chances. Crossing my fingers.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Hello Stranger!
I am a horrible blogger! Work has been so crazy that by the time I have a free moment to myself, I just want to sleep. Gavin will be a year old in 24 days! He has been cruising around the furniture for the last few months but is now standing on his own and take three steps without assistance. He hasn't gotten any more teeth in (He has 4 uppers and two lowers). I weened him off the bottle and baby food last month to prepare for our cruise that we are taking at the end of the month. I was going to take him up to Wisconsin to have his first birthday with my family, but in Mid-December I landed a great deal on a balcony cabin that had a cruise date that happened to fall around Gavin's birthday.
I had an appointment to talk to my new RE in February, but I got a call in the middle of January to see if I wanted to come in early. Hell yes!! I nearly fell off my chair when the RE reviewed my chart and told me that my last RE should have not had me doing back to back IUI's and injectables. He said with my numbers, it was clear that the previous RE was just trying to get as much money off of me as possible. The new RE said that I should only be taking clomid, ovidrel and have one IUI done each cycle. Total cost: $525 (my insurance covers ultrasounds and lab tests). My previous RE was charging $1000 a cycle(Meds and IUI's). I was so thrilled to hear the cost that I have decided to start trying next month! I think the best part of only one IUI per cycle is the possibility that I can do more than 3 cycles (I only have 6 vials of Gavin's donor) if I need too. Baby fever is in full-effect!!!
Speaking of babies, my little one just woke up from a nap. Got to go!
I had an appointment to talk to my new RE in February, but I got a call in the middle of January to see if I wanted to come in early. Hell yes!! I nearly fell off my chair when the RE reviewed my chart and told me that my last RE should have not had me doing back to back IUI's and injectables. He said with my numbers, it was clear that the previous RE was just trying to get as much money off of me as possible. The new RE said that I should only be taking clomid, ovidrel and have one IUI done each cycle. Total cost: $525 (my insurance covers ultrasounds and lab tests). My previous RE was charging $1000 a cycle(Meds and IUI's). I was so thrilled to hear the cost that I have decided to start trying next month! I think the best part of only one IUI per cycle is the possibility that I can do more than 3 cycles (I only have 6 vials of Gavin's donor) if I need too. Baby fever is in full-effect!!!
Speaking of babies, my little one just woke up from a nap. Got to go!
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