Santa's Coming!

I am SO ready for xmas! Er, well I still have two presents to take care of but for the most part, I'm ready. Ready to spend time with family and friends. Ready to start baking desserts and xmas dinner. Ready for a glass of wine (or two).

Looking back I really thought this might be a "baby's first xmas" but that of course will not occur. It makes me sad. I only tried twice and I know I need a couple more attempts under my belt before I should give up all hope. I still struggle with my fears; do I have enough time for a child? Can afford this? How will this affect my job and my relationship with family and friends?

I can still walkaway from this.

But I won't.

I still have a closet full of baby items that I purchased during my naive days. The days were I felt invinsible. Man I feel so stupid for doing that, I just was so sure it was going to happen...fast. You live and learn I guess. So new goals have been put in place. Next year I will have a baby on the way and that is that. Just hoping I wont have to repeat this type of statement next year.

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I still couldn't get into the gyno any earlier so I made a visit to my internist. I do have a small abdominal mass. He thinks it just a large ovarian cyst. No explanation for the quivering sensation I feel in the area. No explantion for the feeling like I've done a hundered sit-ups and my abdominal muscles are sore. It's bizzare. I had a large ovarian cyst in June, and I don't recall feeling like this.

I guess I'm just going to go with the flo and enjoy the holidays.

I hope everyone has a great christmas!

gyno's office sucks

I can't believe the earliest appointment I can get is in February. WTH?

Keeping My Distance

The boss's party went well last night. Thankfully there was enough attendees to where an extra dinner table was needed so I chose to sat there away from the supervisor. I did make some genuine attempts to make conversation with him. I still stupidly hope I can get him to trust me enough to lessen his jealousy issues.

One of my co-worker and his wife brought their beautiful 2wk old baby boy to dinner. Another co-worker's wife just had their fourth child so the two ladies spent the most of the night discussing the birthing process and sharing parenting tips. I participated in the conversation and rather enjoyed hearing all the details.

The couple with the new baby are very aware of my efforts to become a mom. I think it was also very clear at dinner, after 2 glasses of wine, that I am not pregnant. As I was getting ready to depart from the party, the couple stopped me and apologized for dominating the conversation with baby talk. Although I appreciate their concern, I felt awful that they felt the need to apologize for showing their happiness over this new addition to the family. I really am super happy for them. Do I wish I was in their shoes? Hell yeah, but I don't want to be that selfish person that sucks the fun out of everything.

And now this is when you all are going to think I have lost my damn mind. In the last few weeks my mind has started to play tricks on me. My last IUI was in August. At the end of the 2ww, I got my period and have had it regularly since then, however the last two have included much more cramping but have been incredibly light. I really didn't put any thought into it but last week I started to get some unusual cramping and midmonth spotting. I've never had that before. The last two weeks I've also been feeling alot of fluttering sensations to what feels like constant gas bubbles in my lower pelvic region (I've never noticed that I have had this much activity going on in my abdomen). Although I've drastically changed my eating habits in the last four months I've only lost 8lbs and yet my pants have gotten tighter in the mid section to the point where I needed to go up a pant size. As I calculate all of this up, I started to wonder if that last IUI took after all (My head is playing games with me I swear). Half joking around about it to my mother, she reminds me that she had her period through out her pregnancy with my younger brother and that she didn't realize she was pregnant till she was four months along. What???? Please do not let me be the woman who is 5 months along and didn't know. I kind of freaked out Sunday night and took a home pregnancy test but it was negative. I actually breathed a sigh of relieve when I saw the results. I was on some pretty intense medication from the end of August to the end of October due to a lung infection which progressed into pneumonia. On top of that I've had a couple nights where I went out with friends for drinks.

With that idea out of the way, I've kind of started to panic about the development of a crazy large fibroid. With all the hormones I was given for the IUI, would that cause fibroid to grow? I plan on scheduling an appointment with my gyno in the upcoming weeks to get some of my questions answered. I really just hope my mind and body are playing tricks on me and there is nothing going on. I'd hate to have to go through surgery to get fibroids removed before I move on to the next IUI.

Good Review!

Hell Yeah!!! I'm on cloud 9 right now. I got 6 exceeds expectation and 2 meets expectation. How awesome is that! To put it into perspective, last year I only got 2 exceeds expectations and 6 meets expectation. Haha I feel like I'm back in high school showing my parents how well I did on my report card. Lets see how this all translate into some glorious $ cuz' this girl needs some baby money :)

I decided to be smart and spend the extra bonus money on new shocks. There was no point in buying some vials now when I still wont be able to use them until February.

37 days until the cruise! I am half looking forward to it and half dreading it. It will be fun to explore a couple of islands and get a tan but I'm not looking forward to siting in restaurants and bars by myself. Who knows maybe it won't be that bad but the last cruise, people in the bars seemed to mostly be in there early 20's or late 50's. Although I don't have a problem having a little fun with someone not my age, I seem to always get the attention of the creepy old guy who can't focus on face, only my boobs. Haha that just reminded me of that ridiculous line in House Bunny "Your eyes are like the nipples of your face" err...something like that.

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Shocks or sperm?

Bonus check is here folks! The majority of my money is going to pay off a remaining bill and go to the cruise fund however I still have a little left over. So should I be reasonable and get the new shocks and struts that I need for my car or should I be unpredictable and blow it on some man juice? Hmmmm....

Dark Day

I cannot even begin to express how sad it was to hear about Paige's loss. Please make sure to visit her blog to help her get through this tough time.

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It's been a dark couple of days. It's just all a sad situation. Crazy supervisor has become so desperate for attention from the bosses he's progressed from flat out lying about ideas that aren't his to dressing up and trying to crash meetings he is not even invited to. It normally would just irk me but he's getting so clearly desperate I actually feel bad for him. I think I'm starting to watch someone become unraveled. Maybe I shouldn't feel bad for this guy, afterall he made this mess for himself.

We have a xmas dinner at the boss's house next week. It's normally a good time to get together and not talk "business" while enjoying the bosses wife's amazing cooking skills. However this year I cringed when I got the e-vite. The whole idea of having to spend non-work time with the supervisor is not what I would consider a "good" time. It's not even him I care about so much, but his wife. Undoubtly he did not tell her the REAL reason the intern got fired, or how he nearly lost his job. I'm sure the blame was settled squarely on my shoulders according to him. Seriously, I cannot imagine him coming home and saying "Honey, the intern got fired today because the two of us spent too much time screwing and kissing in the office and on our lunch break. Oohhh and I might lose my job too but I will find that out on monday." shrug and sigh. end scene.


Last night was the first night in a very long time that I didn't dream of having a baby. Odd. In away, not dreaming and obsessing about it has taken some pressure off of me today yet it still made me feel a little sad, like my mind has given up on the notion.

Its in the mail!

Sunday night I sent out my resume and application for a promising new job. I kissed the envelope and stuck it in the mail box. Ironically, I got to work this morning only to find the goals and objectives form on my desk indicating the begining of our yearly review process. The third question asked "What are your goals for the upcoming year?" hehehehe. If they only knew.

Thankful

Although I didn't achieve my goal to be pregnant by this time of year, I'm still thankful for everything else I've archived in the last 12 months. I'm even more thankful for the wonderful and supportive family and friends I have. What would I do with out you?

I think change is in the air again folks! I'm applying for a new job that is closer to family and pays $20k more than what I make now. I think the best part of this job is it will allow me to do the type of city planning that I have always wanted to be a part of: redevelopment. Ooh and I actually have a real shot at this job! Just thinking about this gives me goose bumps. I haven't been this excited in a long time.

This potential change couldn't come at a better time. Ever since I won the big grant, my supervisor has started to make my life hell again. THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION! I DID NOT WIN THE GRANT IN AN EFFORT TO STEAL YOUR POSITION! I'm right back to square one with this guy. Why he feels so threatened by me is something I have a hard time comprehending. When it gets down to it, I'm a bit of screwball. One minute I have a genius moment and the next minute I'm the girl walking out of the bathroom with tissue paper dangling from the back of my skirt.

I recently relayed all the information I learned from my conference in Chicago to him and another co-worker. I also provided a list that I created of potential projects and jobs that we could go after in light of the recent shift in politics. He called my boss, where I was within earshot, and told him how HE had all these "great ideas" that will make us so much money blah blah blah. D-bag.

In other news, I finally found a promising international clinic for IVF. Its the Barbados Fertility Centre. Even with traveling expenses, doing IVF there was still significantly cheaper than it is here AND there's a vacation involved. How fantastic is that? I'm just trying to decide if I should try one more IUI first or go straight to IVF. The earliest I could do IVF is in August. Do I really want to wait that long? Damn I will be 34 years old at that point, another year lost. HMMMM....

Hope everyone has an excellent Thanksgiving! Safe traveling!

Cheaper IVF in Other Countries

A co-worker recently disappear for a week & 1/2 long vacation to Costa Rica only to come back with a new rack. I don't know her all that well, but I overheard her talking about how her operation was significantly cheaper there then it would have been here. Not that I'm in the market for new boobs (although a reduction would be nice), I want to ask her a million questions about how clean the facility was, how did she find out about this place etc., but I don't want to be that rude semi-stranger nosing into her life.

Her experience made me wonder if I can do IVF in other countries at a lower cost without increasing health risks. I found information on two clinics in Cyprus which seem to be legit and cheaper. More importantly they will work with single females and allow the use of donors (a few clinics in other countries would not allow it due to their laws).

So my wonderful fellow bloggers, has anyone else looked into going to another country for IVF?

Settling In

The move is complete, yippee!! There is so much space, I don't know what to do with all of it. My big puppy loves the staircase. He spent a good thirty minutes running up and down it, dropping his ball at the top of the stairs only to chase after it. Gotta love a dog that can play fetch by himself :)

I've been feeling pretty homesick the last few weeks and lucky for me, work is sending me to Chicago for a training seminar next week. This way I can quickly make the hour and half trek to the nort'woods to see the family once the seminar gets out. Yah der hey. I miss hearing the Wisconsin accent.

Still waiting to find out if we will actually get to work on the project that we won the monster grant award for but it looks like we are definitely in the lead for winning it. Of course you never know for sure until you sign the final contract. The wait has been keeping me up at night. Just winning the grant helps the chance of me getting a larger raise, but if we get the project I think the raise will definitely happen. The best part of the project is that it is cutting-edge-type of work for the midwest and I will get to put my name on it. Then my first step towards world domination will be complete. (haha jk)

How do people afford IVF?

I recently read on a fellow bloggers site that she is skipping IUI number 3 and going straight to IVF. I completely understand her frustration, I'm in the same boat and considered the same thing. However,after talking to my RE about going straight for IVF in August, I realised it would be really difficult to afford it. He said $10K minimum but could range to $13K. I know in the long run, statistics show better success rates with IVF opposed to IUI's, so I feel it is definitely worth the shot.

I guess my big question is how do you pay for IVF? Finance it, savings, second mortgage? Any thoughts blogging world? How did you come up with the funds for such an important investment?

Ready to move, take 2

I am so ready to move out of this stinkin' apartment! They have entered my apartment 2wice in the last week with zero notification. Very illegal. I thought it would be fun to play spy just to see why they were entering (because they are clearly not in there to fix anything), and caught the last illegal entry on video tape. Looks like the leasing agent was going through my drawers, (It appears like she didn't take anything). I'm feeling pretty violated at this point and cannot wait to leave. Next thursday is the big day and then Adios A-holes!!

I paid off another big bill this week, just leaving one more and then, with the exception of my car payment and student loans, I am DEBT FREE! hallelujah. That means I can enjoy my cruise in January and start trying again in February. I cannot wait.

The most amazing thing that happen this week is I won $1.5 million dollars this week. Seriously. The big grant proposal I struggled through in August, we won it! Beating out 1100 applications (225 completed applications). Of course this all goes to the city but in a long about way it might go mostly back to my employer (thus me) if we get awarded the project. I'm sensing a raise ;) It's really exciting and I'm still in absolute shock over it. If I get a larger raise off of this, baby making time might come earlier. Crossing my fingers.

Heartbroken

Another friend announced their pregnancy this morning. I'm rather shocked but mostly heartbroken. She's a really nice person, a fun person to be around and I'm happy for her. I think what I find disturbing is we had just had a conversation 2 months ago about me trying to get pregnant and although she was supportive of my decision she made it clear she never wanted kids, found children annoying etc. Why do people who really don't want children or people who shouldn't have a child become pregnant so easily?

I know in this situation the best thing to do is keep my mouth closed and help her as much as possible. When she was talking about her positive hpt, I could tell she was still freaking out about becoming a single mother. She's never held a baby before, changed a diaper, nada. She's still the typical mid twenties party girl. She will definitely survive, she's a strong person. Just deep down in side I wish it was me (just not under the same circumstances).

I'm still hoping to try my next round of IUI's at the end of November, but it's looking less likely to happen. To raise some funds, I've been picking up hours like crazy and have been selling my books on amazon. I love amazon.

New outlook

So I just found out I'm not going to clearwater after all. Kind of a bummer but I'm OK with it since it would have interfere with my moving plans. Instead they are sending me to Indianapolis to become certified there. It's a week long and close to friends, so I'm not complaining.

In other news, a co-worker and I had a very interesting conversation last week regarding continuing my education. I honestly would not have considered it. The idea of grad school and trying to work part-time just doesn't seem like a lot of fun, especially if I want to continue ttc. However, my supervisor feels that people should learn on their own and that there is no reason he should have to show me how to do things. Yet if I don't know how to do a task, he will not even give me a chance to try to crack it on my own. I really want to continue to acquire new skills so I can continue to move up in the company and increase my pay rate.

My co-worker was talking about how the company is paying him to go to grad school. Knowing the situation with my supervisor, he asked why I haven't tried to go to grad school. So out of curiosity, I tried to find a graduate program that I could do most of my work online. Of course there isn't any, however, there is a program close to our other office...the office I have been trying to transfer to for the last year. The office is within a 2hour drive of close friends and 4 hour drive to my family, which is way better than the 8 hour drive I do now.

By the next day it just hit me. This is something I really should consider. Possible free tuition. Move closer to family and friends. I would have more education than my supervisor. I could specialize in a portion of the field that our company lacks and has acknowledge as a need (plus I love the topic). The specialized topic would mean I would not have to work under my current supervisor. I loved college (maybe too much) and miss the midnight cram session and research papers(yeah, I know that is weird).

In typical Lorelei fashion, within 2 days of this conversation with my co-worker, I have already talked to our HR department and they thought the idea was great. I also set up my appointment to take the GRE and started studying vocab.

I decided that I will wait to talk to my main boss about it until I know I have the test scores to get in to grad school. I'm really jazzed about this but I do have some fears about it though:

a) the boss won't support me in my decision
b) I will graduate and then won't have a job because my current employer can't afford to keep two workers at a higher qualification (I've seen it happen before here).
c) I will give up on trying to have a family until after I graduate only to find out I can't conceive and will regret it. I would be 37 when I graduate.
d) Get pregnant and then not graduate
e) Get pregnant and not be able to enjoy being a mother due to the stress of money, school and work.

Does anyone know if you can receive more money for education if your a single mom? Grants, scholarships etc? In a perfect world, I would love to work a very limited number of hours at my current job while going to school and still have time enjoying my future child(ren). Ahhh utopia!

Nothing New

Nothing much to report. I move in a month and am really looking forward to having the extra space.

After talking to a few co-workers, I really realized I have a good thing going on here and am just oblivious to it. I'm so caught up on getting closer to my hometown, instead of trying to make a new life here. In other news, big boss man is looking at making me the official grant writer for our company. I have 9 grant proposals slated for the next few months. Its a lot, and a bit overwhelming but I'm up for the challenge. The best part about it is they might let me become a certified grant writer which means a week long training class and exam in Clearwater, Florida next month. The hotel is pretty fantastic; right on the gulf, 1/4mile from the beach, awesome pool, sexy cabana boys......sorry just drifted off :)

I just hope if I become certified, I can still continue doing planning work. It's my true passion and I can't imagine not continuing on my career path.

I'm still hoping to do a cycle in November, but I have somewhat lost my optimisim. I have started to reconsider becoming a foster parent and domestic adoption but I do want to keep trying IUI's. I wonder if my donor doesn't jive with me. Has anyone else change their donor after two cycles? How many tries should I do before I change donors?

Back on Track

I looked back at my old posts from the last month and am so thankful that I am finally out of that mindset. I went to this great workshop for the Safe Routes to School program yesterday. It reminded me how much I really love my career choice. It gave me so many wonderful ideas, I just felt so excited to get back to work. I haven't felt that need to jump out of bed and go to work in a very long time. Even better, I think I may have helped our company get a job in a community we have been trying forever to get work from. Crossing my fingers.

Everything is so clear now, its an amazing feeling. Out of my to-do list I made in my last post, I have already paid off one of three bills, lost 3 lbs, and planned a new vacation (a cruise with my parents in January). I talked to the nurse last week about the cost of IVF and am pretty sure the $10k min. is well out reach for me so I made an appointment with the RE to see if we can change the protocol I'm on and maybe address my low progesterone. I think I will try again in Late October or Early November depending on the money situation and what the RE says on thursday. OOH, and I think I might have already found a new place to live too! Its funny, but when I made that list last week, I really didn't know where to begin and honestly thought it would take me a few months to get it all together. Guess I was wrong.

What's wrong with me?

I started my period yesterday. I was disappointed but I also semi-expected it to happen. The last week has been hell! I was super stressed about getting this grant application finished by its deadline (got it submitted with 6 hours to spare) and then I was suppose to move yesterday but that went horribly wrong.

I had written an anonymous comment on apartmentrating.com regarding how incompetent the staff was and how rude the leasing agent was nearly 8months ago. The apartment complex has still not fixed the gaping hole in my ceiling caused by the water leak I had over 4th of July weekend. I really didn't complain about it because I knew I would be moving into a bigger apartment soon but I was really uncertain if I wanted to stay in the complex with all the maintenance issues I have had with the apartment. So when I broke away from work to sign my lease, the leasing agent was her typical bitchy-self, complaining about her co-workers and how stress she was. I tried to be sympathetic, told her I could come back later in the day if it was better for her. I definitely did not have the energy to hear all the negativity when I'm feeling enough of it in my own life. After I wrote out the check, and began reviewing the lease, she chose that moment to let me know she is not a rude person and she thinks that I lied about my issue with my apartment and that I shouldn't post lies on websites....WHAT????? I said to her "This is kind of an awkward situation, but I stand behind my statement I made on the website. You don't find confronting me like this is rude and unprofessional?" She told me she didn't feel like she was being rude, just making a point and that she was not incompetent. Mind you she smiled like a Cheshire cat through out all of this. So then I said, "may I remind you I have had a gaping hole in my ceiling for 2 months?" I then said I felt really uncomfortable about signing a lease for another 1yr and will simply move out of the complex at the end of October. The most amusing part was her begging me to reconsider because they had already re-rented my place and they wanted to be in the apartment in the next few days. Why would you be so rude to a customer, and then expect them to do whatever you say? HELLO CRAZY? The good thing is there fixing the hole today. Yippee. I'm tired of having insulation fall on my while I'm taking a shower.

I started spotting later on that evening and it was like one gigantic sign. Maybe this all happened for a reason. I've made a list of all the things I want to accomplish in the next 3 months:

1. I want to call the RE and talk about going directly to IVF instead of doing a third IUI. I am also hoping they can try to make sure there is not some other underlying factors on why I'm not getting pregnant.

2. Lose the 20 lbs I've gain the last three months from fertility treatments.

3. Pay off three more big bills

4. Plan a vacation (god knows I need to get my mind back into a better place)

5. MOVE OUT OF THIS DAMN APARTMENT!

Can I tell you how awesome one of my friend T is? He's awesome, he calls and texts me on a regular basis to see how things are going and has been incredibly supportive of the whole situation. I know he sometimes follow this site, so I just want to say thank you. I know I don't have a chance to say it enough, but it really means a lot to me.

So much going on!

What a busy week its been! My family came to visit this weekend and my dad got on my case about not answering my phone right away on thursday. I told him I was busy making a baby with the doctor and it just didn't seem appropriate to talk to my daddy throughout the procedure. He was a little embarrased but thought it was pretty funny. Ahh the modern day daughter.

Work has been chaotic, there is just not enough time in the day to finish everything that needs to be done and I refuse to spend more than 10 hours at the office in one day. Unfortunately I was assigned a project that is completely beyond my expertise. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have such a short project timeline (3 wks when this would normally take an experienced person 8 wks) I just hope that I can get my project done before the deadline so I don't let down our client. More importantly, I hope the stress of this project doesn't affect my chance of conceiving.

Strange, last time I had a lot of cramping in my ovaries (mostly caused by the large cyst I developed last cycle) and this time all my cramping is uterine. Crossing my fingers that it's a good sign. With all the recent BFP's occuring with my blogging friends, I really hope that all the good baby dust rubs off on me.

I have to say I am still kind of oblivious to this cycle. I forget about it all the time. I haven't had the same in-your-face side affects I had last time to constantly remind me. I just haven't had time to think about it. Hopefully by not obsessing over the baby making process, it will just happen.

What will this next week bring? I had my progesterone checked today and it was only at a 12 (should be 18). I gave myself the ovidrel booster already which means I have 10 more days to wait before I get my first beta. Lets hope that AF stays away!

Trying to Trick My Mind

I have my 3rd IUI scheduled for 11am today. I've been trying to remain focus on happy thoughts to reduce the amount of stress I have. My mind keeps drifting my days living in Barcelona. I can almost smell the Mediterranean air and hear the roar of the crowd from the soccer stadium. I sincerely think this was one of the happiest times of my life. Last night I dreamt that I was walking hand in hand with my daughter down Las Ramblas pointing at the little shops along the street and taking pictures of the two of us infront of the La Sagrada Familia. The thought of it all just seems so peaceful.

More Meds

I had my monitoring appointment yesterday. Normally there isn't anyone waiting in the waiting room and if there is, no one ever makes eye contact or speaks. Yesterday was completely different. There was 1 other women in the waiting room. I am so glad she initiated a conversation. It was so nice to talk to someone in person who was going through fertility treatments, who I could relate too. We talked for while about how the ovidrel really tricks you into feeling that your pregnant even though you aren't and how extremely each cycle can be even if you stay on the same protocol. One of the most important things she said to me was about not giving up hope and that all the tears, frustration and doubt was well worth it in the end. It was exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.

The last few days I have had some serious doubts about becoming a single mother. More doubts than I've ever had in the past. At one point I even considered calling the doctor and telling her I was going to just scrap this cycle and try again after xmas. I doubt whether or not I can emotionally handle being a single mom so far away from the rest of my family and good friends. I just don't have any kind of support network..at all. In the last few months I've really realized I want to switch jobs and try to move closer to home. I also want to really make sure I can financially handle this. But then I get so scared that if I wait any longer, I wont ever become a mother. It just stings every time I hear so and so is pregnant and when are you going to find someone to settle down with. Some moments I feel like I'm just pinned into a corner. It's a horrible feeling.

While I was waiting for the nurse to come into violate me with the ultrasound wand, I just thought about how ambivalent I've been about this cycle. The first cycle I was pumped and ready to go. This cycle, I feel like it doesn't even exist. Maybe its normal to feel this way after you've had a failed cycle, or this is a side affect of the meds, I don't know whether to even trust my thoughts right now.

I keep hearing in my head that it will all be worth it in the end and it keeps me moving forward with my daily injections.

The ultrasound showed that I have three follies on my right 14, 12, 11mm and three on my left all under 11mm. They kept me on the same dose and I will go in tomorrow to see if I am ready to go for my IUI's on Tuesday and Wednesday.

Goodbye Cyst, Hello New Cycle!

My monitoring appointment went really well this morning. They are doubling my dose of Gonal-F to 150. Hopefully I wont have to be on meds as long as my last cycle. I'm excited to do this cycle but I'm not as obsessed about it as last time. Most likely because I know what to expect but I am also cautiously optimistic. One try down and I only have two more tries before they move me to IVF. Crossing my fingers I do not have to resort to that. Just got to keep thinking positive baby thoughts.

It seems like every time I move, I need to redecorate a room. Well my co-worker mention a store called Kirkland's and told me they always have fantastic deals. I walked in and it was like shopping heaven (cue music as I enter the door). I think I could have spent a lot more money there if I had it available. I bought 3 huge pieces of wall art for less than $200. They're awesome! I can't wait to hang them up in the new place. That store really got my creative juices flowing so I decided to redecorate my bedroom for the next move. Using one of the pictures as inspiration, I bought a pale grayish/lilac color bedding set and a funky shaped dark purple lamp from target. I'm just searching for a contemporary looking mirror and a cool vase and I think I will be set. I wish I could paint the walls and add this awesome wallpaper that I found, but that's the downfall of renting :(

Good luck on your office move and new cycle Shannon! I'll be thinking about you!

It's baaaackk....kinda

So it finally started 5 days late. In the last few days, my mind has begun to wander to different extremes. The most ridiculous idea I had is: What if last cycle somehow mysteriously worked and I am pregnant. Wishful thinking. My mother gave me that idea. My mother was pregnant for three months before she found out she was carrying my youngest sibling. She had her period like clockwork for the first 2 months and then it stopped. My cousin didn't stop having her period until she was nearly 5 months, and then that's when she figured out she was pregnant. I guess it's more common than I thought. I guess I can't dwell on it for to long, I should be going in for my CD3 ultrasound on Saturday. I know this is really odd but I can't wait to start my injections. It just makes the process feel so much more real.

Moving into the bigger place in 25 days! Let the packing games commence! Best of luck to all the fantastic ladies that will be cycling with me this next month :)

Has anyone seen my period?

I have never been on BCP's for more than 6 mos at a time (I'm a rebel). I took them this last month to reduce the size of my cyst on my right ovary and stopped on Saturday. I figured my period would resume no later than Monday and I could start my next cycle. It's now nearing the end of Tuesday and there is nothing....no spotting... no cramps....no bloating...nothing. That would normally be a hallelujah moment but not this time around. If I don't get it by Thursday, I can't do this cycle due to a business trip that lands during the time frame of my approximate insem dates. Why does this have to be so difficult? I wonder if I'm going to get a period at all this cycle. Has anyone else gone through this before?

Game On

After reading a couple of comments from my last post (Thank you ladies), I decided to go ahead and do this cycle. I think moving during my 2ww would be a great way to keep my mind off of things.

I need to be honest here, I also want to do this next cycle because I have had four friends announce their pregnancies this week. Every announcement was more heartbreaking for me than the last. I am truly excited for all of them, I just wish I was a step closer to being called mommy. There are no amount of bills I can pay off or Caribbean vacations that I take that will satisfy this deep seeded need of having a child. Sometimes I start thinking about delaying my next IUI out of the fear of the physical, mental, and financial consequences associated with having a child as a SMC. I just have to continue to remind myself that problems always seem to work themselves out. So in the end I decided "Game on" or as a good friend told me "Suit up!" I should start my cycle around the 26th and I am so pumped for it (never thought I would say that about my period). Is anyone else cycling next month?

Just a little side question, has anyone else gained gobs of weight after being on clomid or gonal-f? I gained 12 lbs last month (I'm still working to lose them) and it all seems to be in my boobs, which is the last place I need excess weight.

Teeter-Tottering

The issue with my leaky ceiling has not been fixed yet. They can't figure it out. I don't know how this is possible, but that is what I've been told. I have had only one minor leak since my last post but now I have no ceiling in my bathroom. Glad I live in one of the most expensive apartment complexes in the city! They are letting me move out into a bigger place in 3 weeks and I can't wait. Half of me wants to just get the hell out of dodge but the other half is reasonable and figures this is a free upgrade (if you don't count the loss of my sanity and the constant fear of my ceiling caving in while I'm taking a shower).

But this situation brings me to another dilemma. I was suppose to start my next cycle on the 26th which means my next insemination will fall during my moving week. I keep bouncing back and forth on whether to delay my next try or hope that I'm not to stressed out that week and go for it. If I choose to delay, I will have to wait until the end of September due to my close friend's wedding. It's the wedding of the century and I can't miss it! lol. On the positive side, if I wait (and get pregnant at the end of September) I'll have a baby close to the 4th of July and will be able to pay off a student loan prior to being pregnant. I might actually pull off going on a cruise this January too.......hmmm (can't go on one after you are 24wks pregnant).

I just don't want to keep putting it off. If I put this one off, I'm missing another egg, another opportunity and I'm not getting any younger folks!

I'm Back

My vacation was great. I started with visiting friends in Chicago. They live downtown so when I arrived at 10pm, we decided to take my dog for a walk around Rush Street and the beach. It was nice being in a city that doesn't close up after 9pm. It really got me thinking about how miserable I am in my current location. I've been begging my boss to let me move into our other office, which is located in a major metropolitan area. Since the transition into the other office doesn't look possible, I think I might start casually looking for another job. When I moved here, I promised myself I would only stay 4 years. I'm going to hit the 2 yr mark in October. I can't imagine lasting another 2 years.

It was great seeing my friends, I miss being around them. I'm really excited for my best friends husband. He got a job opening a new restaurant with the winner from Top Chef. I think that's awesome! I really hope it starts to open up some new opportunities for them. They really deserve it after all the hard work they have endured to get to where they are in life.

My dog is so funny. He normally sleeps in bed with me, but since I was sleeping on the couch he insisted on sleeping on top of me. He weighs 92 lbs! Around 4:30 in the morning I could hear the tell tale signs of him getting sick (He was still laying on top of me). I didn't want him throwing up on the couch, or me, so I tried to quietly chase him into the kitchen. We circled the coffee table twice, pass the kitchen and straight back to the doorway of my friends bedroom where he threw up. I was mortified! I tried to clean it up but all I could find was some paper toweling and some water. I did what I could so they wouldn't step into it when they left their bedroom. Thankfully Sara saw it right away and helped me clean the rest of it up in the morning. Thank god my friends have a good sense of humor!

After Chicago, I went to the family cabin in the Nort' Woods of Wisconsin. Man do I miss every one's accents. Yahder ey! It's always fun spending time around the campfire, shooting the $hit. I went to the casino and won $50. That never happens so I guess I got pretty lucky.

Unfortunately the fire works got rained out and their was a ridiculous amount of mosquito's this weekend so we spent most of the day indoors. I watched "Edge of Darkness" for the first time. What a great movie. There was a couple times where I jumped out of my seat!

Towards the end of the trip, I went back to see my family in Milwaukee for a few days. Mom and I just sat around and talked. Of course no visit home is complete without a short shopping trip. I was very well behaved this time and spent $12. I've put myself on a very tight budget for the trip and was really proud of myself for not going overboard on this vacation.

I came back on Wednesday night to a flooded bathroom in my apartment. It seems like water is leaking from the upstairs apartments bathtub. When I got home there wasn't any water coming from the ceiling but the floor was wet and plaster from the ceiling was on the ground. The maintenance guy came to look at but said it could wait a couple days before they fixed it. He was dead wrong because last night most of the ceiling came crashing down and it looked like it was raining buckets into my bathroom. I called the maintenance guy 4 times and nobody ever came. Around 11pm the water slowed to a trickle so I finally went to bed. I still have no idea if they are fixing it today.

What a semi-depressing post! On the positive side 2 weeks before I start my next cycle!! I can't wait!

It's Just One of Those Crappy Days

Do you ever have one of those days where you just wish you could go back to bed and start the day over? I can't even cry about it because it's just so ridiculous I have to laugh.

My dog woke me up at 5:30 am this morning so he could get a belly rub,selfish bastard. He's famous for waking me up by licking my face or making loud sighing sounds. As soon as he sees that my eyes are open, he quickly rolls on his back with legs stretched out. It is funny to see, but really dog?? 5:30 am?? I ignored his requests and tried to go back to sleep but then he resorted to stealing my blankets so I just gave up and hopped in the shower. As I started to get into the shower, my dog puked all over my bed! I didn't even have time to get to him and move him to the floor. Gross!

Before I headed out to work, I tossed on some flip flops and took the dog for a stroll around the neighborhood. After I put the dog in the kennel, I went to work not realizing I was still wearing my flip flops. I walked into work and could hear the little sounds from my shoes. $hit!! There have been a lot of memos from HR in the last month about people wearing inappropriate things to work and flip flops were high on their list, so I ended up driving home to change my shoes. Thank god I only live 2 minutes from work.

I had my CD3 doctors appointment at 11am today. About 10 minutes prior to leaving, I found out that one of our clients was pissed about a project and now we have to smooth that situation over. I was so preoccupied with the situation, I forgot about the doctors appointment until my coworker reminded me. Instead of having 20 minutes to get there, I only had 7 minutes.

I still made to my appointment on time but then found out I have a giant cyst on my right ovary and wont be able to do this cycle. I have to be put on bcp's until it subsides. Grrrr.....

Now I'm on strict orders to not do a lot of strenuous activities. So much for some serious hiking, skiing, and tubing. On the positive side, I can still go shopping, drinking, and gambling..... ooh this is going to be a interesting vacation.

It just turned noon, I wonder what the rest of the day will hold for me?

1 Cycle Down, On to the Next

Got a very gory AF going on right now. I was a little disappointed at first but I am keeping my optimistic position on things and am ready to move on to the next cycle. I just figured that I've got my first 33% chance out of the way and I'm going to have better odds on this one. I already called in another order of my donor's vials which should arrive at the doctors office on friday. I'm still waiting for the doctors office to call me back so I can switch my thursday appointment from just bloodwork to an ultrasound and bloodwork.

I think I'm actually more excited about this try then the last. I know what to expect during the process which is comforting. While I would rather be pregnant right now, now that I know that I'm not, I can now have a glass of wine around the campfire this weekend too!! Hell yeah!

Thursday Can't Come Fast Enough

What a rollercoaster!! I haven't had a positive pregnancy test since two days ago, so I assuming that it was still caused by the ovidrel.

I've been having some of the most painful cramps I've ever had in my life the last 3 or 4 days. About 10 minutes before I left for my restaurant job last night, I noticed I was bleeding. Bright angry red and more than spotting. I declared to myself that this cycle was a bust and already started to make plans to call for two more vials of my donor. However, as the night progressed the cramps subsided. By the end of the night I stopped bleeding completely. This morning I was spotting again but that has stopped too. I should have started my period friday and by this time I should have a full-on period but there is nothing. I just wish I had that blood test sooner rather than later.

On to less neurotic news, 5 days till vacation!! I can't wait to see my family and friends. I really miss them.

hmmm...let the over analyzing commence

I decided to take another hpt last night before I took my dog for a walk. I know one of our fellow bloggers started to get a positive hpt on 10dpo so I thought I would give it the try for the hell of it. I almost forgot about it and then remember to take a quick peek at it before I left. I had the slightest pink line, I thought my eyes were deceiving me so I brushed it off and decided to take one this morning. This time I used the all so fancy clear blue easy digital. Within 40 seconds "pregnant". So what does any girl do when she gets a positive......she drinks four gatorade bottles and tries it again. This time I just used a cheapy dollar tree hpt. This one came out negative. Did I dilute it? Is it the ovidrel? Am I pregnant????

I'm going to give it another try in the morning but right now I'm a ball of emotion I can't concentrate on work. BTW, I walked into the office this morning and all I can smell is gasoline. I thought I was going to puke on the spot. Interestingly no one else smells it. hmmm....

By Popular Demand-My baby item list

Like most people in my family, I'm a shop-a-holic. As you've seen in past posts, I've already have made a dent in my baby item list. In a bizarre way, I guess it was a way to keep my mind off the 2ww. I figure if it doesn't happen this cycle it will happen in the next 3 months.

So I created a list of things I thought I would need. Some things are really "wants". To create the list I consulted with various friends and internet websites. A few of my fellow bloggers have asked for my list, so here it is:

Shopping List
1. Babywash/shampoo
2. Nail Clippers
3. Swing
4. Portable changing pad
5. Boppy
6. Co-sleeper
7. Adjustable Sling
8. Bibs
9. Diaper dekor/diaper genie
10. Diapers- box of NB
11. 10- onesies/sleepers, socks, cotton pants, seasonal clothes
12. 1-2 newborn hats
13. 4 swaddling/receiving blankets
14. Baby bath center
15. Alcohol (not to drink :)
16. Car seat/stroller
17. Baby medical kit
18. Disposable changing pads
19. Baby monitor
20. Gentle detergent
21. Glider/rocker
22. Diaper bag
23. Bouncy seat
24. High chair
25. 15-Bottles
26. Pack’n’play
27. Giant Pack of disposable wipes
28. 5-baby wash clothes
29. 2 hooded towels
30. Digital thermometer
31. 3-4 fitted sheets for crib
32. 5-7 lightweight blankets
33. 10 burp cloths
34. Crib/crib mattress/bedding
35. Baby lotion
36. Nasal aspirator
37. Infant acetaminophen drops
38. Infant-safe sunscreen
39. Breast pads
40. Lanolin cream
41. Milk freezer storage containers
42. Dishwasher basket for bottles
43. Bottle brush
44. Bottle drying rack
45. Pacifier and bottle sterilizer
46. Diaper rash cream
47. Pacifiers
48. Toys
49. Infant gas relief drops
50. Play mat
51. Tiny spoons/bowls (don't need for a long time)
52. Outlet covers
53. Sleep Positioner
54. Fisher Price Oceans wonders Aquarium Soother/Deep Blue Sea
55. Baby Food Processor
56. Baby Car Mirror

As you can tell I plan on breastfeeding and I hope to make my own baby food to save some money.

Hope this helps everyone!

I don't know if anyone else has heard of this but I was told ovidrel will be in your system for ten days. I had a shot of Ovidrel on the 13th and the 21st. I took a pregnancy test on wednesday morning to see if the ovidrel would still show up and it didn't. I don't think I gave the shot wrong because I have all the usual side effects. Has anyone else experienced this?

Getting a Little Nervous

I had my IUI's on monday and tuesday of last week and they seemed to go well. I was beaming of confidence all last week but I felt a little deflated today at my follow up appointment. Although my lining looked fantastic, my right ovary was still huge and my progesterone level was low (9 when it should be around 18). I'm taking another ovidrel booster tonight which should help except it could cause the cyst on my right ovary to grow. I'm still crossing my fingers for my BFP. I have a vacation lined up to see family over the holiday weekend and it would be fantastic to have some great news to share.

I am still buying baby gear like crazy! I had an initial needs list of 55 items and I only have 19 items left. The remaining are almost all big ticket items which I am hoping to find some at garage sales. I know this all sounds crazy and that I have completely jumped the gun. I have had quite a few pregnant girlfriends who waited until their 3rd trimester to do their shopping and then they were frantically trying to get everything ready at the last minute. My fear is that I will wait to long and not have the energy or ability to put up the new crib or paint. Plus I'm terrified that with the shorten cervix, I wont go full-term or be put on bedrest. I want to just kickback and enjoy this upcoming pregnancy (crossing my fingers).

Next appointment is July 2nd!

IUI#1

With IUI #1 under my belt, I am oddly calm today. I had a monitoring appt on sunday. The ultrasound showed that I had two follicles measure 18 and 20mm so I took my trigger shot around 5pm. I had my IUI this morning and will go in for #2 tomorrow and then the 2ww begins. I guess I didn't know what to expect, but the IUI was a pretty easy procedure. I just have a few cramps here and there. Not much fanfare involved. I thought I would be so nervous last night and wouldn't sleep, but again, I felt nothing but calm.

Yesterday I had to fight the urge to buy this really cute baby girl's outfit at kohls. It was so adorable, it just made my heart melt. I think I should post signs at local shops to prevent me from going into their baby section. If I keep buying things at the rate I am, I wont need to have a baby shower!

Still Waiting

After a quick moment in the stirrups, I am upping the dose again and scheduled to go back in on Sunday for more monitoring. I only had two dominant follicles on my right ovary: 14 mm and 15mm and my lining was at 9.6. I had a lot of small follicles on my left and a few smaller ones on my right. I'm surprised it's taking this long but I am OK with the wait.

I'm looking forward to a relaxing weekend. I think I may finally tackle the ridiculous amount of movies and TV shows that have been waiting for me on my DVR. How does it get up to 70% so fast?? Sometimes I think it has a mind of its own and just randomly records stuff. I wanted to record one episode of Great White Shark Expedition (Paul Walker as a deck hand. Hell Yes!!) and instead it has recorded 6 of the same episodes in the last two weeks.

Rookie Move

I was pretty confident I couldn't feel anymore bloated and swollen as I was yesterday. I thought that was a sure sign that I would be ready for my IUI. I was very very wrong. I had 3 eggs on my right 12mm, 10mm and 10mm. My left had one at 11mm. I'm waiting for the doctor to review my bloodwork and the ultrasound, but the nurse seemed pretty confident they would up my dosage and continue treatment for at least two more days, possibly more. I'm scheduled to go back in on thursday for a follow up. sigh......

I tried to take my dog for a walk yesterday, but after one mile I had to keep stopping because I had so much pressure in my lower back. I can't even begin to imagine what I'm going to feel like in a couple of days (or in a couple of months :) ). It's all for a good cause though so I'm completely willing to sacrifice my comfort for a chance at creating a new life.

I feel like I'm going to burst!!

Wow this gonal-f works! I wasn't quite sure after my first injection, but I have so much pressure in my abdomen and my lower back, I know the meds are doing something. I will be shocked if they tell me at tomorrow's monitoring appt to stay on the meds for another day or too. So, I'm guessing I will do the Ovidrel shot tomorrow and IUI on the 9th and 10th. I can't believe the day is almost here!

Piece of Cake

I started the Gonal-f injections last night. I was a little nervous that I wouldn't give the injection the right way, but it ended up being super easy. It didn't hurt at all. I keep waiting for the awful side affects but so far have had none.

After filing a formal complaint about my supervisor and the intern, things have finally gotten worked out. Two weeks ago they told the intern that work has been slow and they could not justify hiring another full-time person in my department. Unless we could produce more jobs between now and the time she graduates this summer she was told to start looking for another job. Of course she got mad and started to blame me. I overheard a couple of conversations between the supervisor and the intern that were pretty clear that they were planning on doing things in retaliation that would affect my job. So I finally summed up enough courage to go to HR regarding the matter. After two stressful weeks, it looks as though the intern will be let ago by next week (boss is out of the office) and the supervisor has been told that he will lose his job if his behavior continues. Since the complaint he has definitely shown that he wants to try to work things out. It so nice coming to work at not having to worry about how my supervisor wants to get his girlfriend ahead by any means possible or having to hear my supervisor and the intern talk crap about me. Big relief. I hope this marks the end of this negative aspect in my life.

So I allowed myself to look at baby clothes and necessities last night. I hope I'm not jinxing myself. I still know that my chance of this working on my first try is only 33%, but I cant help thinking and hoping that I will be pregnant by the time this summer is over. That just sounds like music to my ears.

I go in for my first monitoring appointment on Tuesday the 8th. The doctor will determine the status of my follicles. From there they might tell me to take more medicine or take the trigger shot. By next week I could be pregnant!

Cycle 1

I can't believe this cycle is finally here! I'm nervous but excited. I have to admit that I woke up to a full blown panic attack on Sunday night. It freaked me out so much that I ran through my finances again and talked to a friend to reassure me. So this morning I called the clinic and scheduled my CD3 baseline ultrasound for Wednesday morning. According my calculation, my first IUI should be on the 8th.

I was suppose to go home this weekend to spend time with my family, but I was so busy with work last week I never got around to doing dishes, laundry and packing. Although it would have been great to see the family, it was nice to lounge around the house for a couple of days. Of course I can't sit still for long so I picked up a few extra shifts at the other job.

A couple of months ago I met this really cute guy while I was walking my dog. He lives in my apartment complex. We run into each other from time to time, but lately he seems to be around much more often. Yesterday he asked me if I could join him for a drink. Like an idiot, I said no. What was I thinking?? I guess I just don't want to be put in the situation where I need to tell him about my little baby adventure I'm on. But damn he's hot!! Something to ponder.....

Man Juice has been ordered!

I placed the order on Friday. In ~2weeks I start the injectables.

I want to say I'm super psyched about the insem coming up but problems at work have taken the joy away from the occasion. My married supervisor and the intern have been in a relationship (of some sort) for a few years and it continuously affects my work. They are both young and have a lot to learn. I have tried to take the high road in the situation, being friendly, invite them out, etc., but the intern turns me into the butt of their jokes and continuously criticizes my ability to do my job. The supervisor eggs the intern on and they both act inappropriately in and outside of the workplace. Although I know I work really hard and have proven to upper management that I am worth keeping, my supervisor controls the assignments I receive. Projects are continuously passed to the intern because it is a "learning experience". The intern regularly refuses work that the intern deems to be below the interns station, so the supervisor has me do it. I don't mind because it needs to get done, but there is no way I would ever let an intern dictate what a intern will or wont do. I recently had a project that the intern was suppose to do work on. The intern chose to only do half and made the rest appear as if the intern had finished it. The client noticed before I did, making it a very embarrasing situation. Thank god the client loves our company and the client took it in stride. Upon addressing the situation with the supervisor, the supervisor made numerous excuses for the interns behavior, but never punished the intern. In fact, the intern got a really important project shortly afterwards. WTF?

There is two years worth of gory details which I will spare you from. I don't mind if someone doesn't like me, but I draw the line when someone sabatoges projects and prevents me from getting ahead because of hate. Upper management have been well aware of the situation but I think they are afraid to deal with it because it has to do with an affair. I keep my head held high but I am really getting worn down on the situation. I'm tired of crying about it and am afraid of how the stress of the situation will affect my ability to become pregnant.

HSG

So in the beginning of the procedure, when they put the catheter through the cervix, it just wasn't that bad. BUT when they started to put the dye through...OMG. I started to cry, it hurt so badly. The doctor said my scarring was making it difficult to get the dye through. 5 hours later, I am still having cramps. I'm just glad it's over with. Besides the pain, my results showed no abnormalities so I can officially start trying.. YIPPEE.

I gave my family my top three donor picks. They have named them: Mr. Dimples, Tall guy, and Freckles. Hilarious. Mr. Dimples is in the lead. It cracks me up to hear what characteristics are the most important to them. It seems the amount of body hair he has is a huge factor to them. I couldn't stop laughing because they were on the topic for about 30 minutes before we could move on. Beware of the Hair!

2 days to go

My life seems to be one endless countdown lately. Blood work was uneventful. I brought in my paper work for the RE to start up an account with my chosen sperm bank. Although he gave me a list of banks that they have used in the past, he said it would be okay to choose another. I think he needs to relay that message to the nurse. The first thing she said when I handed her the paper work was "you know this isn't on our approved list" Yes, I do. She told me it would take weeks for her to get to it. What???? I'm going to call the bank tomorrow to check on its status and to get some long profiles for my top 4. Can't wait to see them.

So I think the anticipation of getting to my CD1 messed me up. I spotted for four days (and I had my blood work done on my 4th day) and hit the mother load of all periods on the 5th day. I'm now on day seven and I do not see an end in sight. Can they still do a HSG if I'm bleeding? Will my blood work results be wrong? gulp...

This process has made me a little homesick. My only true friend here is going to be transferred to another office in Indianapolis. I'm excited for her, but sad for me. There's no one here that I feel I can share my news with. It sucks. I know I'm the perky girl that makes friends easily, but its rare to find one you can trust and know you will be friends for a lifetime.

Her moving has made me think about how I still wish I could leave this boring city. So I applied for a two jobs this week: One in Colorado and another in St. Louis. Gotta say the Colorado one sounds great. Although moving right now doesn't sound like a bright idea, I'm ready for a change. Maybe my change doesn't need to be so dramatic. Maybe I just need a vacation....somewhere tropical, or a little village in Italy. HAHA, I'm such a dreamer.

Exhaustion

I have been working like a mad woman lately. I've put in at least 60 hours at the day job and 15-20 at the restaurant. I'm exhausted and I need to slow down, but I want to put money away so I can have enough to take a larger maternity leave. Maybe I will try to leave a little early today and get a little shut eye before heading to the restaurant tonight.

Although I'm exhausted, I'm excited for my first lab work. I go in at 8:30 tomorrow. Next week I get my HSG done and then I will be ready to start next cycle. WOOT WOOT.

uggh...

Let's get this show on the road already!! I'm still less than a week away from CD1 but I wish it was yesterday. I'm so impatient, I just want to know what days I need to ask for some time off. How do people balance fertility treatments with work? I have meetings non-stop this next week and am trying to figure how I can sneak away for an hour or so to do blood work.

I nearly had a panic attack yesterday, when I realized I'm still a year away from paying off my car. Can I afford a baby and a car payment? I know it sounds funny that I just started freaking out about this now, but I guess I have nothing better to do than stress out. Then I remind myself that my cousin, 19, just had a baby and gets by just fine without a HS diploma and a job at walmart. Granted she has a boyfriend that helps, but still, I'm in a better financial situation then both of them combined and they still manage to make it work. Kudos to them.

During all my irrational thinking yesterday, I thought about waiting until august to start trying since I have two mini-vacations planned in the next few months and my IUI would potentially fall on those days. But then again, I just don't want to wait any longer. I've read plenty of SMC blogs that said they wished they didn't keep putting it off, that there would always be something that would make them think they couldn't do it now. I don't want to follow in those foot steps. I already told the family I wouldn't make it up for vacation 1. I hate to tell them I will miss vacation 2 plus I think I am going to need it as a mental health break:)

On to a different topic, I love to keep my patio door open so my dog can hangout on the patio when he wants. So, the other day I opened the patio door and proceeded to hangout on the couch while watching TV. All of a sudden, a bird flew in, circling my living room and went right out the door again. I barely had a moment to yell, it just happened so quickly. Needless to say, the screen will now be used for the rest of the summer. I hope the bird enjoyed the tour.

Bummed Out

So I went and saw the counselor yesterday. She gave a short spiel on choosing a donor, performed some blood work and other basic tests on me and then asked if I had any questions. For some reason, doc never mentioned to the counselor (she's a nurse too) that I needed an HSG and neglected to tell me that I couldn't get the HSG done during the month that I am TTC. $hit. I almost cried when she told me that, but then I sucked it up and decided it would be better so I can put more money away.

Now the earliest I can start is the end of May, which means I would have to miss my vacation with my family. Depending on how that cycle goes (crossed fingers) I won't have to miss 4th of July for another attempt.

And now for picking a donor......

Seems like another SMC blogger(Baby thoughts while reality bites) is going through the same dilemna. Who do you pick? How important are each aspect of the medical history? How do you know what Bank is the best? Should I only buy two vials or go and buy 6? It's comforting to see that I am not the only one having troubles with this big decision. I was all excited about "shopping around" for baby daddy juice, but now its a little overwhelming. At least I have another month to truly decide, but my indicisiveness is killing me!

On more positive news, I had to let my HR person at my real job know about my plans so she could help me answer some questions about my insurance benefits and how to go about telling my boss. I got such a great response from her, that it just made my day. When I tell my boss in a couple of months, I hope he has the same reaction.

Can I do this?

So I have to say that the conversation with the RE finally sunk in. I originally thought the chance of twins was around 7% and triplets was around .03%. Those are odds I am willing to play. Now that the RE said my percentage is more like 20% and 1-3%, I'm not feeling so confident. I have met plenty of single mothers who have done well with one child (even some whom have gone on to have another a few years later) and have managed. But two or three at the same time?

Needless to say, I have not gotten a lot of sleep the last few nights. On one hand the possibility of twins is exciting. I really want to have two children eventually so it would work out well in that aspect. Dressing them a like, watching the two play together, etc. But then I think of the health concerns that may pop up during a pregnancy with multiples. It scares me. Will I be brave enough to handle having my babies in the NICU? Will I be able to handle if all financially? Can I handle a long time on bedrest? I guess I jumping way ahead of myself, but I just like to be prepared as much as possible.

God, I sound neurotic.

To top it off, I have developed a mad crush on a co-worker. When I'm around him, all I think about having his lips on mine. We've worked together for a year, and honestly, we rarely talked until recently. I have no idea why I am suddenly so attracted to him now when 6 months ago I wouldn't even look in his direction. Maybe all this baby business is bring up all my sexual frustrations. Oh fun:)

First Appointment with the RE

I have some renewed faith that I am indeed doing the right thing. My appt went really well. I was slowly getting nervous while I was waiting in the waiting room but I was not as nervous as the couple sitting next to me (their first appt with the RE too). The husband was pacing the room back and forth while his wife would pick up a magazine, flip through it for a second, set it down, look at her watch, pick the magazine up again. I felt really bad for them and wanted to tell them it would be ok, but I felt it would be too personal so I continued to read the book I brought.

After 30 minutes in the waiting room, the nurse called me in and sat me down in a small conference room decorated with a fantastic plastic uterus and penis. She quickly went over some basic medical questions (allergies, past surgeries and such) and then told me the doctor would be in to see me.

The doctor was really friendly and outgoing. The last few nights I kept having nightmares that he would scold me for trying to pursue this dream. Definitely not the case. He assured me he had done this many times before. He then explained the procedure and discussed his plan with me. I will be using injectables (Ovidrel and Gonal F). While your in your 20's you ovulate around 9x's a year but once your in your early 30's that number goes down to 5 or 6x's a year. He felt that injectables were the best approach for me. He promised that there would be no "Jon and Kate plus eight" situations and that they would cancel the cycle if I had too many mature eggs. They said they will not do more than 3 cycles of IUI and if I am not pregnant by then that they would try another approach. The clinic has a success rate of 35% per cycle with this approach with a 20% chance for twins and a 1 to 2% chance of triplets.

Please god, NO triplets! Twins.......maybe manageable.

I have a meeting with the counselor Wednesday the 14th. She will go over the process of choosing a donor. The RE was very particular about what sperm banks they will allow. He explained that they will only allow me to use certain sperm banks because they allow the FDA to monitor (not required by law)and examine their collection and storage methods. It gave me some peace of mind knowing that.

After the meeting with the counselor it will be time to buy my "specimen". They want it at the clinic before I start my cycle. I will be inseminated twice per cycle. As was explained to me, they want me to buy unwashed sperm because it will have better numbers and motility. Yippee.

I have been on prenatal vitamins, but they also want me to take an extra folic acid (understand) and a baby aspirin (?). Thought that was interesting.

So the big plan....have the sperm delivered to the doc's office before the 28th of April. Call the doctor on CD1 to schedule an appt on CD3 to do all my blood work. If all goes well, I do an HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) on CD 7-11 and then I will be ready to do my first IUI!

After the appointment with the doctor, I had a meeting with the office financial counselor. I thought it would be a lot more money. So far (knock on wood) it looks like my insurance will pick up the tab on my meds, ultrasounds, blood work, and HSG.
My total cost out of pocket (minus the sperm) is around $770. I was totally preparing myself for $2000 a try. The counselor said that the sperm shouldn't cost that much because it will be purchased unwashed (they do it at the doctor's office lab). So right now I'm thinking around $1300 a try.

Out of curiosity, I asked what the total would be for a cycle if I didn't have insurance. The doctor has a package that covers the cost of the IUI and monitoring for $2000. I am almost positive that this package does not include medication which in my case is around $1000. Thank god for insurance!

I feel so much better now that I have a better idea of how this process is going to be.

I talked on the phone to a friend who I will be visiting around memorial weekend. While we were making plans for my visit, she reminded me that I might be pregnant by the time I get to visit her. Let's hope she is right!

So close!!!

7 days till the consultation! I've started compiling a list of questions to ask. Your input would be greatly appreciated. I'm so excited and I can't stop thinking about it.

I've also decided to start trying next month. Why wait? If it works on the first try, GREAT! If it doesn't, I won't feel like I wasted time, and then on to the next iui.

I've been stressing out on this project for work for about a month now. Yesterday was my big presentation. I didn't get a fuzzy feeling during the first meeting in February to introduce my introductory ideas but this last meeting was totally a HIGH FIVE meeting. The head hauncho kept saying "where did you get this idea? This is exactly what we need!!!". High five to me!! Whew...what a relief.

Big Questions

So I've been saving money for a while and I have a flexible health savings acct (with up to $2000) that I can sign up for at the beginning of May and can tap into in June. I've heard from many fellow bloggers that most RE seem like they want to get you started right away which means my first full cycle would begin in May (33 days!). I really hope the IUI works on the first try, but I am realistic and understand their are many ladies who have had to make multiple attempts before acheiving a healthy pregnancy So as you can see, I'm struggling with whether I should try right away in May and still invest in the HSA, or wait until I can use the HSA in June for my first insemination. Decisions, Decisions.

So funny, maybe not so funny conversation I had yesterday. As I've said before, all of my close friends and family know that I am starting fertility treatments and have been really supportive. Last year, I started a second job at a restaurant to A) Get to know more people and B) Pay off my debt, buy a new car, and start saving money to have a child. I thought it would be a somewhat wise idea (although now Im not so sure) to slowly let other people at my second job know about my upcomming IUI. Once again everyone who knows has been supportive, but one co-worker i broke the news too blurted out "I've worked with you for a year and never knew you were a lesbian!!" Silly little man. Just because your seeking fertility treatments, doesn't necessarily mean your a lesbian or have chosen the spinster life. After explaining my reasons, he was really sweet and told me I would make a great mom. Thank god for open minded people!!!

At my "real" job, I have not told anyone. Everyone is really nice, but are ultra-christian and I have a fear that I will be fired and ridiculed on the spot. Example of the strictness of our office: A co-worker had a project that was not going well and he screamed "shit". To me, it's not a big deal, whatever, continue with my day. However, that is not how it works here. My bosses wife came running into our cluster of offices and asked us to all pray for his soul. Gotta say, I had to laugh. Seriously? Pray for his soul? He didn't kill a man! So I know I'm not from the bible belt and maybe I just don't get it but can you imagine when I come in 3-6 months pregnant and I state that I got pregnant....on purpose....artificially. Ugh. I have this feeling that I need to make a back up plan just in case, unfortunately jobs in my field are not easy to find.

Sweet beginnings

April 7th will be my first appointment with my RE. I thought I would be nervous, but I've done so much research regarding single mothers by choice and IUI, I feel calm and confident with my decision. Then again, I've been looking into this for the last 6 years, ever since my doctor discovered I had stage 2b cervical cancer. I thankfully had a doctor who thought I was to young to have a full hysterectomy. I know I will still have problems trying to conceive and go full term, but I want to give it a try before I look into adoption.

I guess over the years I thought I would just meet the right guy and I would have my fairly tale fertility ending. Unfortunately, I have recently acquired a taste for insecure a-holes. I'm completely blind to the first signs of the impending doom that lies ahead. Of course, later when I'm analyzing the relationship to death, I see all the reasons it was bound not to work. Sometimes it's not him, sometimes it's me too. I'm always working on the next plan or the next big goal in my life. I'm a dreamer. I'm sure it gets a little tiring to others, but I just don't want to leave this earth without saying I didn't try or asking the "what if's".

I'm not opposed to meeting the right guy; it will always something that I hope will come my way someday. However, I spent a good portion of my late twenties asking myself if I should wait to have kids when I marry, or should I just do it now. In a way, I've been setting my life up to where I could just do it on my own. I finished college, got a great job that pays well, excellent health insurance, average credit score (hoping to improve).

My downfall may be that my job is 6 hours away from family. I've made a few friends here, but its a lot harder to make friends when your out of college. Most of my co-workers who are my age are married with children, while the single co-workers are all in their early 20's and want to go out and party all the time. Needless to say, I don't exactly know if anyone would truly be supportive of my decision nor help me with some of the logistics of being pregnant and single. I've started to look for a support group in my area, but still haven't found one. Who knows, maybe I will start my own...

So about a year ago I got serious with my baby making plan and started to put money away and started doing some research. My family knew I had talked about it briefly when I was 26 but I definitely was not in the right position to pull it off. I got to say it was pretty scary talking to my parents, siblings, aunts, and uncles. Much to my surprised, they are so excited about it! My aunts have been really into it. I've never seen three women get so excited about sperm donation.

TMI
In February, I had my first pre-conception doctors appt with my new regular gyn. She basically confirmed what I knew all along. When they removed the cancer, they took out a lot of my cervix. As she said "wow, they took out a lot of meat". Don't know why, but the way she said it made me laugh first,and instill fear last. She proceeded to tell me that she couldn't believe they did not make me have a hysterectomy.GULP. But as she proceeded to look a round, she confirmed that I had no trace of cancerous or precancerous cells. YIPPEE. Essentially, I have a short cervix. Doc was still pretty cool about it and told me to go for it. I just started to take prenatal vitamins and started to really watch what I eat (which is not easy for me to do).

Beyond the baby talk

I've been a blog lurker for over a year now and thought it may be time to start my own. I appreciate all the information, hope, and laughs I have gained from the various blogs I frequent. I hope this blog will be helpful, not only for me, but others who relate to things going on in my life.